Finding Victory

nI had the honor of meeting another woman in recovery through a mutual contact not too long ago. She is so very kind and texts a motivational saying to a group of women in recovery. This one came across my phone a little while back and it got me thinking. I completely agree, I was not created to suffer. What defines victory? How do I define worth or quality of life?

Being a nurse for as long as I have been, I have thrown around the concept of "quality of life." When I worked in hospice, my "job" as it were was to create comfort and dignity in the final months, days and hours of someone's life. My goal was for them to be at peace, free of pain. I took great pride in my work in that area. The hard part, though, is when I was working in that area of medicine, I was honestly feeling jealous of my patients. Deep down as the darkness of addiction grew in my life, I was battling to find any hope of getting away from it. I had determined at that time that there was no way. I was dying too. I wanted the same dignity I was trying to provide to my patients. I was also suffering from a lot of suicidal ideation (think about dying but not actually planning to act on those thoughts) at that time. I wanted life to end especially in the way that I was experiencing it.

It is clear that my quality of life was totally diminished during my active addiction years. The quality of my life has increased exponentially since getting sober. What I have learned about myself these days is that I need to be on the constant path of something new to remain excited about life. I was excited about recovery for about 2 years. I was then super excited about getting my masters degree and spread recovery across the land. I was then excited about my TedX talk. Then I was excited about my new job. That was four years ago. 

There is a distinct difference, for me anyway, between depression and feeling lost. I quit drinking 3155 days ago today. In those 3155 days, I have learned more about myself than I ever could have dreamed. I knew that I was capable of certain things. I had the opportunity to many things that I never could have done without being sober. I am a pretty awesome aunt and I would have so many regrets if I didn't have each and every memory of them I do today because of being sober. I also learned, partially, about what makes me tick. I have a longing and a yearning always inside my heart. What's next? Should I be doing something different? What's the purpose in all of this?

I am a huge purpose person. The darkness of my years in active addiction HAD to have some purpose to me. If I couldn't "do" something with those experiences, I don't think I could survive. Those years were painful. The loneliness and emptiness I felt in those years can not be adequately explained by the vocabulary I currently have. What I do know now is that every time I talk about recovery, the recovery skills I know and what I experienced in those years helps someone else. That experience allowed me to connect with others. I especially felt this when I was working with the women at the jail. I feel their pain, I know their pain. I can offer maybe a glimmer of hope that something different is possible. 

So, as I sought purpose in my early recovery years, I went right where a lot of people end up: Substance Abuse Counselors. At the time, I was apply around for several different masters program. I actually studied and took the GRE. I started studying for the GMAT. I found programs in business and health administration that didn't require those tests. I went to open houses. When it came to the actual applications for MBA programs, MPH programs and MS programs, I just could not answer the question about why I was thinking about going into this field. Money I guess. More employment opportunities. I could move up into the world of supervision, administration, etc. The essays did not feel authentic. Well, when it came to answering the question about why I was applying to do a masters program in addictions counseling, I filled up 2 pages before I even noticed that I was well beyond the word limit of the essay.

I reflect on this decision now and I understand why I did what I did. I was finding purpose. It felt like a calling. Now, I am still feeling a calling. I just cannot quite figure out what the next step. I have looked at PhD programs and know that more schooling is not the right thing. I am still tired from school from the last round and that was five years ago. I tend to live for "the next big thing". That part of me has not been satisfied for quite some time. I still haven't figured out what I need to quiet that down. I did start teaching and was able to teach for several semester before the school shut down which was heartbreaking. Teaching felt very natural and again, all of those years of going through hell to be the nurse I am today served a purpose. I was quite sad when the school closed as I don't see that opportunity coming around again any time soon.

I still work transplant nursing. Quite honestly, I love it. I just cannot do it full time because it is physically and emotionally exhausting. The types of shifts we work are 12, 24 or 48 hour shifts. If it's a busy day - NO SLEEP! I am no longer able to bounce back from that like I did in my early 30s. So, I take a shift every so often to keep my thrill seeking side quiet. I get a rush from doing the job so that serves as a victory in my life. In the past year, it became also the spot I liked to return to because I felt competent. I am responsible for a lot and I clearly know my stuff. I work well with the  staff and there is a ton of mutual respect. In fact, I talked with them about coming back full time while I was interviewing around. I opted not to go that route although several of my team members were excited about the idea.

So, back to the original thought behind this post. What is victory/purpose in my life? There is so much in my life that is amazing. I have a great family. I have a great job with great benefits. I have a part-time job that satisfied a part of my soul that was often a dangerous part of me when I was active with addiction. What is my life missing that keeps me so restless about the next thing? I wonder at times if I am not living in the moment and really grasping the full extent of how my needs already being met. I believe this to be the next phase of my recovery. What is the purpose going forward? Part of the answer that comes to mind is leaving the field of counseling. It's an idea that I have toyed with from the first job I got in the field. Honestly? I told myself if it didn't work on where I currently am, I would leave the field. This is about as good as it ever is going to get so if I don't like it here, I don't like working in the field. 

Part of me think that I am seeking my victory/purpose/worth in the wrong spot. Why does it have to be related to my career? I had always been obsessed with my career. Even at my 5 year reunion from high school, I made myself sound very important when I was working for a telecommunications company. "I am a logistics coordinator." Basically I sat around and earned too much money to do very little work. In hindsight, I had it pretty good but I was more concerned about the title and portraying I had power there. I have been down this rabbit hole before and I never did find what I was looking for. I get an instant nod of respect from people when I say I am a nurse. I get some kudos for working in the field of substance abuse. People respect the patience and empathy we show to clients that can be hard to work with because of what they are experiencing. I have had a lot of success in my career and something remains missing.

That leaves my personal life. I am generally pretty happy in my personal life. I know tons of wonderful people and am very busy keeping up with all those amazing people in my life. My favorite thing is taking my niece and nephew out to explore the world. I do get great satisfaction when I am crafting with my niece or watching the excitement when my nephew is doing something with Minecraft. For the past 2 years, I have been crowding my personal life with more work and that did not seem to quiet down the restlessness. I hope to be able to use some recovery principles to be able to identify what I am missing in my life. Writing and speaking are areas that have fallen to the side. Now that I am back to just 2 jobs, I hope to reconnect with these more to see what I am might be missing.

Peace!
J