Death Throes of Addiction

For those of you who know me fairly well, I am totally obsessed with cosmology, astronomy and anything to do with space. I have watched almost every single documentary that Netflix has to offer on the subject. I have been watching Nova on PBS's site for the past several months. I love learning about anything to do with the subject with my most recent interest being in black holes. 

If you ever watch a program on the subject, you will constantly hear...."the death throes of a large star will result in a black hole". I just love the term "death throes" because it is a quick and violent process that leads to the creation of something that only existed in theory not too long ago. Now it is something scientist believe helped to form the galaxy we reside in. Black holes are deadly but serve this enormous purpose in our universe.

As I was watching the 3,000th episode on PBS about black holes today, I was thinking about a situation I have seen with addicts who are nearing their bottom. In my mind, I call it the "death throes of addiction". With a star, the core converts to iron which stops the fusion process. The star, then collapses upon itself under intense weight of its own gravity. The gravity is absolute and creates an object so dense, light cannot even escape. Hence, black hole. It warps the space-time continuum. To me, this kind of describes the process right before people get into treatment and/or recovery.

Fusion and gravity are in constant battle with each other and this star exists based on the two forces pushing against each other. Fusion pushing out, gravity pushing in. Eventually something has to give and gravity tends to be the universal winner in this battle. Addiction sort of plays out in the same way. In an addict's life, addiction is one of the forces in life. It is pushing hard and serving a purpose to some degree. Other things in life retain enough strength to keep life intact. But, eventually, at some point, that balance become distorted and addiction will eat up everything and eventually destroy everything else. Addiction will create it's own black hole in the person's life. I remember describing to someone, years ago, what my life looked like right before I started my journey of recovery. "Dark, it was always dark." When I look back at that time, I can only see darkness. All my memories are from the night, dark outside, dark inside. No light ever seemed to escape. I was unable to let anyone in and I certainly wasn't going to let anything out about my situation. It's dark and lonely place to be. 

Eventually, I started losing my health, started to lose the little sanity I had left and then my employment was going to be threatened. These were the remaining things in my life that were preventing me from a full collapse into a black hole, as it were. Addiction was about to swallow me whole and I might have hit the point of no return. For many of my fellow addicts and alcoholics, the point of no return is death. Death by our own hand or from complications of our drugs. We are losing too many people to the black hole of addiction. Addiction eats up our lives and, much like a black hole, eats of everything around us too - relationships, jobs, housing, abilities to function, etc. 

In the minutes before a black hole is created, there is a huge explosion. In that explosion, there is not much left except for this black hole. That explosion reminds me of my treatments, etc. before I finally got sober. I was kicking and bucking and wanting things to go back to how they were before anyone knew the problem. I wanted to go back to the star when things were enough in balance that my life existed. The problem was, I was far past that point. I was living in the past, far enough that I was not focusing on how bad things had becomein the present. Basically, I was worse off than I gave due credit to. I was convincing myself that I could back to regular drinking - I would just stop doing the stupid stuff that was getting me in trouble. I would somehow try to get the forces back to make my star/life active again. But, much like an exploding star, there is so going back. What's done is done. 

A professor at my grad school once said "if treatment does one thing, it ruins your drinking." He was totally right on the money with that statement. My drinking had be ruined after that first stint in rehab. When I did relapse, I didn't enjoy it anymore. The guilt was overwhelming. I hated the fact that there were people I couldn't talk to if they knew I was drinking again. Because of the education I received, it ruined my experience of drinking now. I knew about the dangers. I knew what relapse meant. I had been introduced to the community of people who could help me stop and I just basically gave them the finger and went for the bottle. When I think of the term "death throes", this is what I think of. That time between admitting there is a problems to actually embracing the idea of getting sober. There is still the pull and tug going on, but it is going to be a huge explosion at some point, it's just a matter of time. 

I have watched many of my fellow addicts go through this process. I pulled together 1 month here, 3 months there, but I was never really committed to the process of actually staying sober. Not everyone has to hit a dramatic bottom, but there is something that we have to hit in order to make a decision to live a life without drugs or alcohol. For some, it's losing a child, losing a job, losing relationship. For others, it's having no where else to go. For me, it was the threat of losing my nursing license. Whatever it is, it's something we needed to have happen in order to move forward with recovery. I like to think that I will always have the little black hole, known to me as addiction, in my life. However, that very dangerous, deadly thing also has the power to create. When I look at pictures from the Hubble Telescope, I see these tremendously beautiful clusters of stars revolving around a black hole. Scientists believe that almost every galaxy houses a black hole at the center. There is a purpose for these dangerous beasts, much like I believe addiction serves a purpose in my life now. 

I was an isolated star, being pulled and pushed at the same time. Addiction won out. I had an explosion happen in my life. Now the power of the addiction is being turned into the creation of something really beautiful. In my galaxy of my life, I have my recovery community, my friends, my job and a future. I must be on guard that my black hole could grow at anytime and swallow up everything that is now housed in my galaxy of life. I hear stories of other who are in the death throes of addiction. The cat is out of the bag now, addiction is trying to continue to pry the remains that are left of life. It is probably the toughest time in addiction. Once we know what addiction is and how it works, it is hard to go back to using with that knowledge. All of the lies we told ourselves to justify what we are doing are basically proved wrong. We have that information now, but our addictions will literally attempt to convince us otherwise. 

Anyway, this was my attempt to draw that parallel. Not sure if it makes a great deal of sense, but it does to me. Tonight, I am saying a prayer for all of my brothers and sisters who are suffering from active addiction. This time of year is hard of many people, sober or not. Depression can run deeply at this time of year. I know the temptations of wanting to use or looking for someway to deal with the pain. I can only recommend reaching out.

Peave

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