When It Stopped Working

Now that I am interning and going to school full time for addiction studies, I am constantly in some type of recovery talk at almost every moment of the day. In a discussion today, someone said, "....and then the alcohol stopped working..." I immediately nodded my head. Someone asked me "when did it stop working for you?" My immediate response was "who the hell cares, it just stopped working." I just shrugged my shoulders and let the conversation continue. It got me thinking....when did alcohol stop working?

I was talking to a good friend (KV) with whom I reconnected with recently. We went to high school together and she was there the first time I ever drank. We were rehashing memories and with almost perfect detail, I could recall every detail - what I drank, where I was at, what room I was in, where we were supposed to be and sadly I am pretty sure I remember what I was wearing. You know how annoying it is that I can remember all of this but I can't remember where the heck I put my car keys?  It's pretty annoying. 

At any rate, I remember that feeling that first time drinking. It was the best thing I had ever found. It was awesome. I felt relaxed and outgoing - something I really wanted to be. I was so self-conscious and hyper-aware of myself in high school and college. I pretty much had a degrading inner monologue going on at all times..."so dumb, God, really? Did you say that...you are so uncool, oh my God, it is no wonder that person doesn't want to be your friend". Alcohol took that all away and I could act stupid and feel like I had something to blame it on. So, as far as the socially anxious part of me was concerned, I was pretty well taken care of in high school.

Fast forward to college, alcohol got me out socializing and open enough to make friends, etc. But the use changed pretty quickly. Suddenly it was the reason and the focus of socializing. There was no reason in hanging out unless there was going to be some form of alcohol available. So, the relationship with alcohol changed my sophomore year of college. Then I left for Germany. I know there was a major shift in my drinking habits and the relationship. Now, I went abroad for a year my junior in high school to Austria. It was one of my toughest years of my life and the year after that (my senior year in high school). While in Austria, all I wanted was to be home with my family and friends. Again, I was hyper-aware of myself and felt so out of place. Fortunately, I had the BEST host family in the whole world. I think my host Mom and sister tried hard to make life good for me. My depression was just too deep at that time to really appreciate the opportunity. Additionally, my Dad has died less than 2 years before I left the country. I still had many unresolved feelings and grief. Then I separated myself from my friends and family for 9 months. It was tough. Upon my arrival back in the States, I realized that the world at home went on without me. I didn't like that. I spent most of senior year in a perpetual state of anger that things changed. It wasn't supposed to be that way.

Back to Germany. I became acutely aware of the experience I had while in Austria and I felt like the second time around I would be able to bury those demons in the past. On some level I think I did and the trip was better, but again, I really wanted to be at home with my family and friends. One of the best things that came out of that trip was my lasting friendship with NH. That friendship has meant the world to me and I wouldn't change anything for it. Although the trip was better, this was the first time that I started in consistent drinking and the act of drinking alone. I could gamble that I spent about 80% of the time there under the influence. I isolated quickly after this year and my senior year in college was about 50/50 of drinking alone or drinking socially with others. The tides were turning quickly and deep in my soul I was pretty panicked about this. I had hope that I would maybe, just possibly, grow out of this whole thing. Needless to say, that didn't happen.

Most of my social agenda for my 20s revolved around the use of alcohol. Many of my friends were in the same phase of life, and drink on we did! The drinking escalated at age 25 from wine and beer to hard liquor. I couldn't keep up the buzz after a bottle of wine anymore and beer had too many calories. When my ex-husband and I moved into the apartment around the time of our marriage, I, again, had another spike in my use. I was still having fun at some level and there were no major consequences. My ex-husband certainly knew about the amount I was drinking but I had him locked into thinking it was a phase and I would try to stop. I started to become aware of my ability to manipulate people. He was a #1 target to keep under control. He had direct access and the ability to tell people like my Mom or sister what was up. I can tell you, if my Mom knew all of this was going on, I would probably still be locked in a treatment facility. One of her many wishes for me was to NEVER have a struggle with alcohol. 

After our marriage and a move into the condo, I started making life decisions based on the convenience to drink. I wanted to work evenings for 2 very important reason (or so they seemed): 1. I didn't want to be around my husband anymore and 2. By the time I would get home, I would have the opportunity to drink without all the nagging. I wouldn't say that my drinking was making me happy anymore. I picked fights with my ex-husband and started having stomach problems. In my little addicted mind, I started to blame my drinking on him, the house, the job, the air we breath, the leaves on the trees....ANYTHING could be the reason why I drank. 

In 2007, when my divorce was finalized, I went on a epic 3 month binge. 90 straight days of drinking. I was celebrating now! Ultimately, it lead to overdosing on pills and landing the in ER about a year later. Maybe it was then, that night that it stopped working for me. I told my therapist, when I was sober I didn't feel like I was "FEELING" anything, but when I drank, I was able to cry and be sad. Well, there is a difference between a sobbing drunk girl and feeling the emotions of mourning and sadness. It was at that time that I convinced myself that I needed to drink in order to feel. Hmmm...ass backwards actually.

In 2009, I had a decent boyfriend, I had a home to live in that was remodeled by my aunt and uncle, I just bought a new car and I had a job that I wanted. Those were the main reasons I convinced myself that I drank......now I was a sobbing blathering idiot most days of the week despite having everything I wanted in life.  I had moved up from 0.25 liters of rum to nearly a liter at each sitting. I drank that liter in about 4-5 hours. I lost 60 pounds because I couldn't eat, I would throw up in the morning and mostly, I would just forget to eat. It started churning in my head that maybe it was this drinking that was making my life miserable. But the idea of going the rest of my life without a drink? That is just not possible, I am going to try to control my drinking. I used to work 12 hour shifts in 2007-2008. I would be able to not drink between those shifts. By 2010, it was no longer possible not to drink in between shifts and I honestly felt like I was dying when I needed to work for 24 hours on call. I had to be sober for those calls. It was becoming torturous. 

After entering treatment for the first time in 2010, I fought the battle internally. All I wanted in the world was to go back to how it was. I was way beyond that point now. I couldn't go back. Actually, I hadn't been back to where I wanted to be with my drinking since my sophomore year of college. It's weird to think that all I wanted in the world was to drink, yet I complained I didn't have anything in the world. I made my bed, now lie in it. If you want to drink, you don't get the world. If you want to be part of the world, you have to stop drinking. Damn you logical brain, damn you......Maybe on some level I thought the world would never take me back. Again, I became hyper-aware of myself. I hate being so aware of myself. It's not that I am hyper aware of the good things about myself, I am hyper aware of the acne I still have at age 37, the fact that I have gained a bunch of weight in school, my gray hair, etc. etc. Oh, and I went a little crazy on shaping my eyebrows...try not to look them next time you see me. I am super aware they are uneven for the time being.....

Back to the original question, when did alcohol stop working for me? Did it stop working in college when I stopped using socially? Not for my purposes I guess. Did it stop working after my divorce? Maybe, I thought my divorce was going to fix everything. It just got worse. Did it actually never work for me? Maybe. It hijacked my life so quickly and became of such an obsession that I can't say that relationship was ever normal or functional. After re-reading this, I think alcohol stopped working for me my sophomore year in college. I believe that to be the point where the addiction shifted. I was definitely abusing alcohol. As we say in the business, abuse is standing on the edge of the cliff, addiction is jumping off and you can't ever get back on the ledge again. You stay permanently as dependent once that threshold is reached. I would gander that age 19 is when I fell off that cliff. That's a pretty rapid progression of the disease right there. I would have fully qualified as an alcohol two years even before being legal to drink. Yikes.

When I see really young people in treatment or in AA, I will always hear the long-term chronic addicts and alcoholics plead with them to get it straight now. I am inclined to say the same thing. If you could spare your life of the drama that 10-20 years of chronic drinking can save you, DO IT. Please. You need to....it's only going downhill from here. Trust us. 

Peace out!

J

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