The Grateful Alcoholic

In some of the very first AA meetings I went to, there was always a gentleman that introduced himself as a grateful alcoholic. I have to admit I scoffed the first few times I heard this. Who in their right mind is grateful for this mess? I finally asked him one day in a first step meeting - why are you grateful? He told me that because of his alcoholism he had the opportunity to look deep into his soul and have an understanding of himself and the world around him. Because of the 12 steps he lives a life a peace and serenity that those without a problem may never get to have.

I was driving up to school this morning. I have had a lot on on my mind for the past few weeks. An ad came on the radio and the voice actor sounded just like this guy from my meeting. I immediate thought - hey! Maybe my grateful alcoholic friend is a voice actor! As the ad continued on, I thought about many of things he had said in our meetings. He approaches his life constantly from a standpoint of gratitude. I feel like I have lost some of this gratitude in my life recently and I thought about this for the remainder of my ride to school this morning. 

I am currently stressed about whether a job opportunity will present itself. There are many implications to me if it does - an acceptable salary, good benefits, an environment I have worked in for the past 5 years. I just have no way to know for sure if this job will be approved. Meanwhile, I have another potential offer coming in this week. It is a company that I have been eyeing since I started school. I like what they do. I was disappointed when I got the benefits and salary information; however the job itself sounds like my kind of work. I would be like a recovery coach for families and addicts all around the country. I would have the opportunity to be working around others who like what they do and do what they love. The environment seems so positive. Also, they have many opportunities within the company. So, my dilemma has been, do I forego this opportunity and hope the other position will be approved or do I jump at this opportunity and say good-bye to the company I have been with for 5 years now. 

I sent my Mom an email about my feelings and thoughts about this dilemma. I am glad I did because she reminded me that maybe it is time to pray to God and ask Him what He thinks. There are pros and cons to each position. Maybe my Higher Authority can toss a stone into the cup to weigh the scales in one direction. So, I kindly asked God this morning for His thoughts. Then this ad came on that reminded me of the guy who is the most grateful human being I have ever met. So grateful, he embraces his disease as the best thing that ever happened to him. I took this as a sign to step out of my current mindset (which is stress out about the unknown) and try to find a different perspective. Obviously, I was leaning toward choosing the perspective of gratitude. It made me a little happy and very grateful to be in a dilemma of having 2 job offers. That's a good thing right? Yup, it is. I am grateful for a possible opportunity to rejoin my old team members in transplant again. I am very proud of my affiliation with transplant. I am grateful they are looking so diligently into the creation of this position just for me. Likewise, I am grateful that the other company is willing to take a new grad and train me. Although the pay, etc is not exactly what I had hoped for, money isn't everything. Could I pay my bills with what they offered? Yes. Would I have health insurance? Yup. Those are kind of my basic needs and they would be met. Beyond that, I would have this amazing experience to touch the lives of many through this position. 

I pulled into school this morning to take one of the most intense tests of my school. A 4 hour, full comprehensive program assessment of counseling theories, ethics and research knowledge. I had been studying for weeks and I was not one bit nervous. I am grateful to have had this dilemma in my life to keep my mind preoccupied instead of stressing about this test! I feel like I am channeling my AA friend here. I chatted with my Higher Power all the way to school and entered the school with a sense of calmness that I would not have expected given the weight of this exam. So my stressing dilemma lead to be do what I needed to do for both this test and my dilemma.....talk to God. So I am grateful to my Mom who reminded me talking to God is always a great option, I am grateful to the man who is grateful for everything and I am most grateful to my Higher Power for giving me some sense of normalcy before a major exam.

I believe to that I am a grateful alcoholic. Because I am an alcoholic, I had to work my butt off to get sober and to stay sober. I am proud of that, as I should be. I know how hard I can fight when I need to fight. With the help of my family, friends and God, I saved myself from myself. Because I am an alcoholic, I am getting my Masters Degree. I searched and applied for Masters programs in the past. Then that fateful question came up "How would you like to use this degree for your future?", I could never answer it. I stopped the application and never finished. I knew I wanted my Masters but never knew in what. Because of my alcoholism, I had a new calling in life. Everyone is capable of sobriety. Everyone is deserving of recovery. I, now, have the opportunity to do a 12 step every day (Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs). I carry the message and also have the opportunity to model my behavior to reflect the the integration of the steps in my life. 

I look back and how I tried to avoid the steps because of that "whole God thing". I hear that a lot with my clients now. Now, it is the one thing that I depend on to get me through the day. I am pretty open with people about the fact that I walked away from God the first opportunity I got. No more church, no more praying, no more anything religious. Well, my life took a dark turn for many years after that decision. At the end of drinking, I was praying to God to kill me somehow. I asked and asked and asked. What He gave me was a moment of clarity. It was one of the best gifts I have ever received in my life. Instead of praying to die, I started praying to live. I was asking God to help me be better. I was asking God to talk my problems because I was too overwhelmed. I asked God to take my transgression of past and defects of character away from me. I asked for forgiveness and asked for help when I looked at forgiving myself. Because of my alcoholism, I learned how to do this and I learned to trust in this Higher Power. It is the beauty of the 12 steps and because of my alcoholism, I know and live the 12 steps to the best of my ability. For that, I got a life worth living. I am getting my Masters degree. I passed my licensing exam to become a Drug & Alcohol Counselor. I got sober to become an awesome nurse who has the possibility to have a position created just for me because of my loyalty. Because of my alcoholism, I was reintroduced to God who provided me with hope which fed my strength which carried me to 3 1/2 years of sobriety. 

Hi! My name is Julie and today I am a grateful alcoholic.

(As a quick comment, I found today's picture on Facebook. I posted a comment to the poster on the board and said "....and it is worth it, My worst day in sobreity is still 100x better than my best day drunk." 

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