Accepting an Apology

I ran into a situation last week that is sitting on my mind, almost a week after the fact. There was a situation in which I received some rather negative feedback for really no other reason than the other person failed to ask me what I meant when I made a blanket statement about an experience. (Sorry to be so vague, I want to be careful around some of the details....) I was shocked and taken aback, not to mention I was embarrassed that this little altercation happened around my friends. 

I was at home later that night thinking, I just don't want to be around this person anymore. Well, I don't really have a choice other than to be around this person so I was trying to figure out what I was going to do about it. I ran into the person again, just as I expected and the interaction ended up in an apology to me. I offered my side of the story that I wasn't allowed to articulate the day before. I said "thank you, I appreciate that...." There was another effort later in the day to make sort of a peace offering. Again, I said thank you. I did appreciate the gesture. Shouldn't I be satisfied with that? Isn't that the best case scenario? I was wrongly focused upon, the other person recognized that, apologized and even made one more gesture to ensure I knew he was sorry? Apparently not....

I was recently facilitating a group on making amends. I try to remind folks that saying "I'm sorry" doesn't really mean much coming from an addict, even if we really mean it this time. Most addicts have burned enough bridges or worn enough people out by the constant "I am sorry"s that those words in particular ceases to really mean much. I advised my group it is better to tell people exactly what I did wrong, I want to take responsibility for those actions and I want to move forward and show the other person through ACTION, not words that I am trying my hardest to be the person they believed I once was before alcohol took me in the wrong direction.  I sort of wonder if I have applied my interpretation of "I am sorry" to everyone, not just addicts, in that it just doesn't really mean that much to me. I look back over the past maybe 10 or 15 years. I don't accept apologies very readily. That is not terribly fair of me because I so desperately want people to accept my apology. Why can I not accept one from someone else? I have been thinking about this for a little bit now and I wonder to what degree it has to do with my inability to let go of anger. 

So, there were some complications with my school regarding some extra classes I had taken a few semesters ago in order to get an additional license to my LADC (LPC). There was a change in the program and these extra credits I paid out of pocket for were applied to the LADC portion of my degree and left me 2 credit short to get the LPC licenses. It's all very confusing but the bottom line is that there was a change in the degree which had nothing to do with me and I was left these credits short. I was pissed. Really really pissed. I got a flippant response from the school when I was trying to figure out what happened. After a rather heartfelt note to the Registrar about my level of disappointment in the program along with a meeting with the Dean, my advisor called me back and offered me a possible solution and offered an apology for me being in this situation. It seems more likely to me in this situation that I didn't take the apology very seriously since the first response to me was "well, that's just what happened. Good luck..." 

However, now, I got the apology that I felt like I deserved both from the school and in this other situation; both of which I am not interested in accepting. When I talk with my therapist about this undercurrent of anger in my life, she keeps telling me that there is anger that is certainly justified but it's ineffective anger. There is the anger that motivates me to try harder or get out of a situation or put distance in a relationship that needed some. But what is this anger doing for me? Nothing really. I sit here mad, the school is continuing on and I suspect the person in this other situation has probably forgotten and moved along as well. On some level, I guess I believe that this anger will help me keep distance so that I don't get hurt again. If that is it, it's just a little part of the anger. Quite honestly,I like being in the power position. If I know that someone is trying to get in my good graces, I have the upper hand in the situation. I like being there, who doesn't? But again, what upper hand do I have? None really. Like I mentioned in my last blog, there is just something righteous to me in my anger that I just don't let it go very readily. 

I am old and wise enough now not to use this anger for anything. In the past, I might have continued to push and push to get Lord only knows what out the situation. Engaging further in either of these situations will not do me any good. It is time to move along, past this anger, but I am just not ready to do so. I hadn't seen my therapist in about 8 months. When I came back after this time period, after about 20 minutes her comment to me was "you are angry. Wow." For the life of me I spent the next 30 minutes trying to pinpoint exactly what it was that was making me so mad. Well, with an inability to let go of anger, it really could be just about anything. 

I guess I have to ask the question - if I am going to remain mad, I have to decide what it is that would make me "un-mad" and offer that to the other person so they have the opportunity to bury the hatchet, right? Ha...not really. But it's an interesting questions. If the school gave me 15 credits of free education, would that be enough? I would be happy about that but probably use my anger to justify some form of entitlement. If this other person offered to buy me lunch for a week, would that be enough? I would probably make up some excuse about not needing lunch so it really doesn't seem like much of an apology. Ugh. I am frustrated right now. I gotta figure something out because it is starting to get a little miserable around here. I am crabby and annoyed most of the time. 

Anyway, it was a long week and a terribly fast weekend. I better get to sleep, it's gonna be a long day tomorrow. Take care all my faithful readers!

Julie

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