It's been a long time since I posted. For that I sincerely apologize! I started a blog entry about a month about the process of house hunting. That is a whole separate discussion from my post tonight. I have some serious thoughts about that process! If you are searching for a house, let me know and I will say a prayer for you. It's a tough market out there!
Tonight I went to church which is still one of my favorite places to do a little "me" time. When I am there, I am mindful and challenged. I call my church a "God loves everyone" church. They bring up topics that everyone associated with faith has thought about but may have felt like a bad person for thinking about it. Tonight we talked about religion and how religion can really negate the purpose of faith. Again, this could be a whole blog entry in and of itself. I had often wondered how my desire to be a good human and the fact that I screw that up on a near daily basis can fit into the perfection that religion often promotes. I got some answers tonight. After grabbing some post-church dinner with my faithful friends/church goers, I was heading home. I had thought about stopping at Home Depot to look at flooring and painting. I stopped at my bank first to cash a check I have been holding onto for several weeks. After I pulled out of the drive thru at the ATM, I looked up and saw Big Lots. I decided I wanted to go there to look at furniture and some decor item. (I did purchase a place, by the way.) I wandered through all the aisles as I normally do when I don't have much else on my agenda. Fabulous deals are available at Big Lots. As I was going through my final aisles deciding if I really needed to buy to laundry baskets (the answer was no), I heard a woman having a rather passionate conversation with a friend. She had somehow put the conversation on speaker and couldn't turn it off. I heard things like "he needs to go to treatment", "I can't handle this anymore", etc. For a second, I thought, no one wants to talk about this in public, I will let her be. I turned the corner and I caught her eye. She scurried away and I decided to follow her. She was going to call her friend back to get off of speakerphone. She hung up the phone and starting pacing in the laundry soap aisle. I pushed my cart along side of her said, "I know this isn't any of my business. I just wanted to you know that you are doing the right thing." Her eyes welled up with tears. "What do you mean," she asked. "I'm sorry for being nosy, it's just that I am a substance abuse counselor and a person in recovery. You are doing the right thing." Her friend called her back and she asked me to wait a minute. She told her friend that she would call her back in a minute and proceeded to ask me a lot of questions about what she should do. As we talked, she told me twice that she believes in God and that God put me there just for her. "You came here for a reason, so did I. We needed to meet." My eyes began to well up with tears to know the power of reaching out to someone who is hurting and even though I can't do anything for her except offer my support and a hug, we will be forever in each other memories for having a "chance encounter" when it was so meaningful and needed for both of us. To this day, I still struggle with the ultimate purpose of this journey of recovery. Don't get me wrong, I have done a lot in this journey and I have followed several paths with it. I work in the field now. I write about addiction and recovery. I have spoken at several events in the past five years. Right now I don't feel like I have fulfilled my purpose yet. Tonight felt more like my purpose than working in the field. Now that I have written that statement, I am not sure what to think. I have thought a lot about my work in the field of addiction treatment and my own personal recovery. Did I make the wrong decision? Am I disappointed? Am I happy? Is this the calling? I really can't say a definitive "yes" or "no" to any of those questions. This week at work was a tough one. I am slowly reducing my caseload as I transition to a new position. Pretty much all of folks left had a really bad week. Relapses, jail, MIA, Children Protection involvement, warrants, probation violations etc. etc. After my last appointment on Friday, I sat next to one of my coworkers and said, "Wow. That was a tough week. I am starting to wonder....." At that moment, another substance abuse counselor wandered over. "I was just telling her how crappy this week was for most of my clients. I am starting to wonder about my efficacy." This counselor has been in the field for a long time and chuckled. "As if it's your fault." I really needed to hear that. While I know it's not my fault or my doing, it's hard not to question myself. Was there something else I should have seen or done? When I was sitting on the cruise back in January, I started reading a book I got for Christmas about writing a book. One of the exercises was to write out my concepts and ideas on notecards. Chances are that I would have several ideas of which only a few really belong in the book I am desiring to write. Oh yes, that was very correct. I have enough ideas and concepts for about three books. I settled for the topic I would like to address first. As I have been working on this book, I have essentially gotten myself into a corner. I have a lot of things to say without any conclusion - a "call to action" sort of thing. It's like asking someone, would you recommend your car and proceeding to tell them the good, bad and random things about it and saying, "probably not but not a 'no', sure but maybe not." Honestly, this is part of my addictive personality that is both good and bad. I can play both sides of the fence so very well. Early in my recovery, I discovered this about myself. I was challenged by a counselor to have an opinion. She asked me a straight question. I started in with the "well, it depends...." and then started asking her questions to get her opinion. She knew what I was doing and led me in one direction. So my conclusion was her "opinion" as I understood it during our conversation. She proceeded to tell me that she actually felt opposite of that and I immediately changed my answer in an effort to have her "like me", "agree with me", "not to offend" kind of thing. She could see that I was squirming all over the place when I realized that I had agreed with her because of her and not because I carried any distinct opinion about the situation. This personality trait can come in really handy at times. As a general way of living though? It kinda sucks. I was given an assignment about values and what was important to me. I wasn't allowed to ask anyone about any of it and I had to present it in group. When my group members had different opinions or different goals than myself, I had felt somehow that I had failed. She watched me do the same thing in the group setting to get the opinions and slowly shift my own. "Not so fast," she would say, "what happened to _________? Why is that no longer important? Because Mary doesn't have that on her list?" She was forcing me to get off of the fence and take a stance on something. "If that's important to you, Julie, it's important. To you. And you are the only one that has to know and believe it is important." In essence, what is important to me is important. Period. End of discussion. My value system is not up for debate. I don't have to rigid and I don't have to be flexible. It's a "both, and" kind of thing when I love my world of black and white. The first step of recovery is admitting that there is a problem. So, there it is - my "problem" so to speak. I am on the fence about my journey. I feel validation and fulfillment with what I am doing. AND I am also feeling like what I am doing right at this moment is not "it". My black and white world is starting to gray. There are many areas in my life I have moved into the gray. Recovery is still very black and white. Either I am all in or all out. However, that "all in" is about my decision to not use drugs and alcohol today. My life is different. My life in recovery is different. My life requires a level of flexibility that I am currently feeling challenged by. Basically, I want answers. What is this purpose? My chance encounter was very helpful for me tonight. Something about this encounter has triggered ideas and thoughts. It help me put words to this restlessness that has been going on for a couple of years now. It's one thing to be restless, it's another thing to know what it's about and where to go. I know it has something to do with purpose. I know that I am feeling burned out. I know that I need spring ASAP. I know I need to finish this book. In order to complete any of this, I need to come to a conclusion. I need to get off of this fence of indecision and fear. I have long been told by various entities in my life that I am the one holding myself back. There is nothing I can't accomplish. However, nothing gets accomplish if I don't start, don't try or don't decide. Lots to think about tonight. Peace, JT
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AuthorJust a girl in the world trying to live a sober and happy life. Archives
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