How's It Going?

Since my last blog entry, quite a few things have changed around here, which at this point, feel like really good changes. For one, I started my first job as a CD Counselor with a small outpatient group of women. This has been going very well. I am still working for the same facility that I interned at this fall. I know that I struggled while I was there this semester. However, I interviewed with a different group and felt like I would be a great fit with the management and with the program. The way I have been greeted and welcomed into this program has been absolutely amazing. It is such a positive atmosphere.

This was the first 2 weeks of working two part time jobs that make full time hours. This first week was really rough. I did exactly what I thought I was going to do. I got up on Monday at 8:00 and then stayed up too late in the night because I didn't need to go to work until 2:00pm. I had a moment of genius last Friday. I have been really spoiled with not having to work 5 days a week for a long time. So, I thought....if that is what I want, I can make that happen. So, I will have 3 long days of 12 hours and then one 8 hour day. That gives me 37 hours between both jobs and 3 day weekends. Once I get moving,  I am totally OK with the longer day. When I spend too much time sleeping or changing my sleeping schedule, I get messed up really quickly and it makes  it  hard to get up when I need to get up. So this week was the new schedule and I had an attitude change of 150% for the better. I feel better, taking my medications regularly and at the same time along with having a nice schedule that gives me the down time that I need. 

So, this morning, I went down to my car to get my pop. I had a smile on as I hopped down the stairs. I kinda wondered what this was all about. Last week, I was thinking that I wasn't going to stay with my nursing job. Maybe it was time to move on now and one of my co-workers I don't see very often was reinforcing this message to me. I was thinking that maybe I had made a mistake taking the counseling job. I had been looking for an assessment position or intake coordinator position before I took this one. Now I had taken a direct counseling position that I wasn't sure I even want to do. I started worrying if I was making enough money and blah blah blah.

Now this week, it's a totally different story. Suddenly the money isn't that big of a deal because I am still earning about the same amount of money as I was before and I have a schedule that wouldn't be possible at a lot of other places. So, part of the reason things are better is because of the schedule change. The other part of this deal is that I have responsibilities at both places. When I work only here or there, I don't feel like I really "own" anything. Now, I fully realize that almost everyone in either place is replaceable including me, but when I don't own anything, I don't feel needed or effective the way I want to be in my work environment. I am motivated by feeling like I am needed. I know my internship needed me but I also knew that there were so many other people available to do the few little assignments that I had. I managed to consistently show up at work because I knew the work that I did on that one day needed to get done and I felt like I couldn't miss. I am not sure why this is such a powerful motivator. 

I had expressed concern to my therapist last month that since I was 16, I hardly ever called in sick. What happened to me? Part of it is that I don't have to hear anyone's disapproval since I can text and email that I am not coming in. Not good for me...I realized recently, I realized some of the major motivators to show up for work when I was drinking was not have people mad at me. I know when someone calls in sick, it sucks for the shift and we all start complaining about that person. I was motivated by people not doing that to me. I didn't want anyone to be mad at me for any reason. So I showed up because of other people's opinion of me. As I got sober, I still held on that "everyone needs to like me" thing so I think that continued to motivate me. Then, when I changed to a job in which I worked a week on, week off....yeah, I hardly worked so I wasn't burnt out. 

I changed to part time and school. Normally I love school. I think there were a couple of things that played into my difficulties. One, I was disappointed by my school experience so the motivation to drive 60 minutes 1 way several times a week when I am not happy with that. As far as internship time, I was insecure and intimidated by the whole process. The people who supervised me didn't really enforce my fear that they might be upset with me. Additionally, I don't care as much now about what people think about me. However, I am still concerned about being appropriate in a work environment. I think there were some other underlying issues that I have been working through, setting me up for a better success now going forward. The biggest blessing this year has been my health insurance. Having mental and chemical health issues, insurance companies wouldn't touch me with 100 foot pole. But now, I was able to get back into see my therapist and doctors to get my health and mental health issues address. I think I might be just getting some positive kickback from  being able to see my providers and not have the stress of not having enough cash to pay for a $300 visit. 

So, how's is it going? Well. I am very happy to be able to report that. One of the things I get to do in my new CD counselor job is program development. Basically I have this awesome opportunity to teach the skills of CBT and DBT skills I have learned over the years. I love teaching. I know these skills can help lots of people. I will have the opportunity to do this starting next week which is so motivating and exciting for me. I have been working on some presentations that I want to give. WIth the kind and support supervisor I have been assigned to, I am back to feeling like I really make a difference out there. This is what I had wanted to do since the beginning. I don't care if people like me or not, if there is something that they can learn from what I know....that is what I want.

Tomorrow, I will be participating in a 5K for my nephew. I am really excited to get out and walk. 

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