Discipline versus Regret

I was cleaning out my bag 'o everything the other day. If my house looked like my bag, I might qualify as a hoarder. I shoved everything in there with the idea that I will get back to them such as "Fill out our survey and tell us how we did!" or a mail-in-rebate. Good grief, I don't know why I kid myself that I have time or stamps.

What I do shove in my purse that I eventually get back to are things that strike my interest to write about. I pulled out the bulletin from a church service with all my notes scribbled all over. There were some many items in this little 15-20 minute sermon that really caught my attention. So, I guess this would be part 2. My previous blog entry was Wisdom versus Consequence. Today - Discipline versus Regret.

Discipline and Regret have addiction recovery written all over it. In the previous blog entry, I spoke about internalizing the wisdom of the people who came before us in recovery. Well, what the people in recovery are going to tell you is that they go to meetings, they work the steps, they have a sponsor, they sponsor other people and created and sustained to recovery-oriented relationships. Those who return to AA or treatment after a relapse will often times tell you that they stopped doing what they were recommended to do to sustain recovery. Now, this does not necessarily mean that everyone has to go the route of AA. In the absence of AA, as a clinician I am going to tell you about the same in that you need to build structure in your life, seek mental health services, get new friends, ditch the old one, find recovery-based activities and continue in treatment. If you are interested in AA, I am going to tell you, go to meetings, find new friends, build structure, etc. etc. You get the point. 

Whatever the post-treatment or early recovery scene looks like for a person, it requires a certain sense of discipline. On the whole, addicts don't like this. Discipline means that we do something every day whether we want to or not in an effort to keep stability. Hmmmm.....let's think about this one for a moment. Me, as the addict, what do I think of discipline? I think it is hard and boring. There is no excitement to "high" to have here. Structure sucks, mostly. I get bored. Yeah, I don't think I am alone in some of the feeling here. My guess is, addict or not, you may identify with some of these feelings. Addicts by nature are quite impulsive, may display thrill seeking behaviors and surely enjoy instant gratification. When I sit down with someone in early recovery and talk about this need for structure and discipline in order to maintain recovery, they look at me like I am speaking Sanskrit. "What is this foreign concept you are talking about? I have to motivate myself?" Bare in mind, we have been under the influence of drugs creating our motivation to keep us moving on. We don't have that anymore, now it is up to us.

Time and time again (and believe me, I did this too), the advice/wisdom of those who came before us falls upon deaf ears. I always felt I would have a will and a way; I just needed to get some time away from liquor and I would never use again. Let's see, that lasted all of 60 days. Now we move on to regret. The very first time I was in detox, the drug and alcohol counselor doing my assessment educated me about the HPSP nursing monitoring program. While the enrollment was voluntary, she highly recommended I get signed up. I shook my head calming, looked at the information and said "Hell no. 3 years of tracking? That means I can't drink again. Nope, not gonna do it." So I put the brochure in the back of the folder. My counselor came up to me and started talking about how HPSP works and that she could be my point of contact, blah blah blah. I didn't have the heart to tell her that there was NO WAY I was doing this program. Then, she went on vacation and I never looked back. 

Upon discharge, I was asked to consider sober living. Nope, not gonna do that, I have my kittens. Well, how about aftercare one day a week. Yep, I can do that. Can you stop working nights? Nope, love it too much. Could you get a roommate? Nope. Don't want one. Well, please attend some meetings, will ya? Yeah fine. I attended a total of 5 meetings in the first 60 days out of treatment. I dropped out of aftercare after 2 meetings. I had a sponsor but never bothered to call her. No step work, just grinning and bearing this life of "sobriety."

When people ask me what the hardest thing in early recovery is - I will easily answer that staying motivated to do what I need to do in order to be sober. This is a highly disciplined list of things to do - meetings, working the steps, making amends, acknowledging weaknesses, therapy, groups, aftercare, outpatient treatment. When I spent that summer relapsing, I wanted my family to be proud of me being sober, but that seemed about it for motivation. I knew the cat was out of the bag as far as my drinking was concerned. There was no more hiding out and drinking. I couldn't seem to muster the internal desire to stay sober. I think I was worried about failing. I remember wishing the whole time I was in detox that I had never said anything about needing help. In a way, I still felt like that for the spring and summer of 2010 while relapsing. I wanted to stay sober but I certainly didn't want to have to work for it - geez!

So, I spent the whole summer in a period of regret. I regretting drinking again. I regretted my behavior. I regretted having invested so much into my treatment, only to be back out drinking in a couple of months. I had no hope that I would ever be able to stay sober unless something externally motivated me to do something. I used to get so anxious when I went in for my physical that when they took my annual blood samples for labs that I was going to have liver problems. Each time I didn't, that seemed to be a license to continue on. I must have a liver of steel or something. I kinda had it in the back of my head that if my health took a turn, then I would be willing to stop. That would provide me with the much needed motivation to quit drinking. 

God really has my number. Every night that I was drunk, I would beg through prayer to help and make it stop. By morning, it was "God just get me through the day...". I was always asking and crying and begging; never bothering much to listen. Well, God said "if you can't listen, I will just shout in your face". The psychiatrist that was overseeing my detox #4 admission flat out told me, "If you don't sign up for HPSP right now, I am reporting you to the board of nursing. There are two ways out that door. Your choice." Thanks, God....because I picked up the phone and it saved my life. I had external motivation to the extreme. Now I was all willing to do whatever it took to save my nursing license. I even went beyond and signed up for a 15 month DBT course with weekly counseling for 3 years. Talk about some serious discipline. Well, guess what - I have very little regret during those 3 years. I got sober. I have a sponsor. I have lots of sober friends. I sponsor people. I got my master's and am now working in the field (and I love it). Discipline = putting in small pieces of effort daily to stay the course of sobriety. No discipline = relapse = regret AND major consequences. I finally had my time to listen and internalize the message of those who came before me so I could not have consequences that I would seriously regret down the road.

I was so terrified of leaving the HPSP program. Would I still remain disciplined after the external motivation was gone? In a way, I knew I could easily slide back. One of my motivations to go into this particular field was to have a level of accountability. If I relapse, I cannot practice as a counselor for 2 years. 2 years!!!! I can go back to nursing and while I like that, I wanted to move on from there. 2 years people! Being sober for as long as I have been to date, I know that I could not lie if I relapsed. The guilt would eat me whole. Whatever would be left of me after that would be eaten up with regret. I actually really fear for myself should I ever relapse. I think it would be epicly bad in all sorts of way. Apparently, that is enough for me to stay on the current course. Not to mention, I would be disappointing so many people around me. Now, I know that I would have tons of support in an event like that, but I would feel so ashamed of choosing liquor over all that I have today. 

I think I am actually going to put together a lecture for my clients on these subjects. How do we build up this discipline? How do we motivate ourselves? If I treated my sobriety like I treat my diets for weight loss, I would be hosed. Most of my clients kinda treat their sobriety like that and they are off the wagon before they know it. In the field, we warn people against the "treatment high". Statements like "I am so ready to go home and try all my new skills!" scares us to no end. People who have a healthy fear of going home are often the ones that stay motivated for longer periods of time. That does not mean one needs to live in fear of their drug for the rest of their lives. If someone has a beer around me, I don't fall into the fetal position and beg for my Mom. However, it is MORE than healthy to stay away from it, knowing oneself well enough to say "I can't be around it." 

I had a most marvelous weekend with an old college friend. He has been in my life since 1996 and I am always grateful for NH. .His visit reminded me so poignantly how some true relationship in life will never fade, regardless of distance or time. He also reminds me that friendship is the key to success and happiness in life. Thank you NH for the special visit - I owe you one, now, out to NY :)

XOXOX
Julie

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