Wisdom & Consequence

If you ever had the opportunity to see a documentary about the life of Albert Einstein, I highly recommend it. The guy was amazingly weird. It's no wonder that AA adopted such a pertinent quote for someone that wasn't quite right like the rest of us addicts!

I am continuing on in my spiritual quest these days. My roommate from my Honduras mission trip invited me to join her at her church this evening. There were quite a few members on our trip that were from this church so I was interested in seeing what they had to offer. I rather enjoyed myself. No fuss...no muss...just a bunch of people gathered to listen to the words about how we can work to be stronger in our faith and more so, how we can continue to strengthen our relationship with God. My roomie said at one point "I giggled when I saw the topic tonight...." Rightfully so. "Stuck in a Spiritual Rut" was the topic tonight. It's moments like these that I realize that God has a sense of humor. I had been talking with her about my spiritual rut and how I wanted to start on more exploration of faith.

There was so much the pastor touched on tonight that just nicely paralleled with my journey in recovery. In the tradition of the 12 steps, we are to give our will and lives over to God as we understand Him and listen for what our journey will be for the day. We are to develop a relationship with a power greater than ourselves so that we might be restored to sanity. In other words, we are in a constant spiritual quest to keep ourselves out of our way. The power greater than ourselves is the way many of us got to the point we are today. The pastor spoke about building a strong foundation within our souls. When we have provided nourishment to our souls, we are better equipped to get through life's up and down battles. His message is what I have been trying to explain to the addicts that I work with right now and maybe to some degree, what I am trying to convince myself in my own recovery.

When I think of my full journey thus far in recovery (even before I actually stopped drinking), I think of the few months leading up to my final moments of living in denial. I avoided the whole "God thing" like a plague. I believed in God the whole time but I ignored any relationship until I was suffering under the consequences of my own decisions. I lived in the world of denial that I liked doing what I was doing. I liked not having to go to church. I liked everything about my life, drinking included. The further down I spiraled down the whole of addiction, the more my soul began to hurt. This is how I describe that "hole" in my life that I was trying to fill. I tried to fill that hole with work, with booze, with bad relationships. I tried everything but that nagging annoying dull ache of a thing just wouldn't go away. It was several years into my recovery before I started feeling that "achiness" again. I now realize that this ache is my soul asking for some nourishment. 

As I was moving toward the thought of reaching out for help, it was like my soul was screaming out "you have to do something. You are better than this. You can be more than this. You don't have to do this." There were times in the 15 years of drinking that I heard this "sane" part of my brain talking. If you ask most alcoholics, they knew LONG before they ever asked for help that they were powerless over their drug of choice. We can prove that over and over and over and most of us did on a daily basis. Most folks are not in denial about that piece. Most folks, me included, are just not totally convinced that we need help to stop. Or we are not convinced that we want to stop. My soul was on board - I was emotionally and spiritually corrupt. I was starting to struggle financially and physically my body was giving up. Maybe my moment of clarity was not only God thumping me on the head but also an effort of the soul to muster up enough hope for me to believe for just one moment that maybe, just maybe, if I make a different decision tonight, I can change this.

The pastor told us tonight that there are two different ways of teaching. One - wisdom - following the examples of those who came before us. For me, I automatically think of the Big Book and AA meetings in my life of recovery. Two - Consequence - taking that road others warn you not to take because they know where that path leads. You learn by dealing with the injuries sustained on this path. I immediately equated this with my experience immediately after my first treatment. Yeah, yeah, I know - go to meetings, get a sponsor, don't hang out at bars. I get it. Then I walked out the door. Failed to call my sponsor, went to one meeting. 30 days later - back to drinking. I failed to follow the wisdom of those who came before me. When I finally coughed up the truth about relapsing, everything I had done was something someone else had done too. Our journey, in this regard, is not unique. Addicts who relapse start to get inside their own heads, start making excuses not to do what they need to do for their recovery, they don't participate in recovery activities and they start to play with fire even though there is a great possibility of getting burned. 

When I counsel people in early recovery, I do like to spend some time of the spirituality piece. This does not mean that I speak about religion. Religion has very little place in my spirituality. Spirituality, to me, is about my relationship with God as I understand Him. It is this relationship I need in order to keep my addiction in check. I give God my problems and open my soul to other possibilities. Instead of my addict-self demanding things from God, I now ask Him to keep my mind quiet so that I might hear where I need to go and what I need to do today, in this moment. I know that God was there all the while of my drinking time. I would say "Why would you do this to me, I hate this, you won't help me. I want this, I want that." Meanwhile even if God were trying to talk to me, I was in no condition to listen or see anything positive in my life. If addiction teaches an addict anything it is that nothing is my fault. I am unhappy because of you. I am unhappy because the sky is blue. Addiction told me = if I had this, if I had that, if I weren't married, if I didn't have this house.....blah blah blah, then I would be happy. I was far from ever thinking that my own behavior is what was truly making me miserable. 

Anyway, when I address spirituality, I do tell people that our spirit is bankrupted by this disease. I have done and said things I am not proud of. I have manipulated and lied to get what I want. I ignored my core values and choose my alcohol over the relationships of others and meaningful connections with others. I constantly tried to convince others that I was doing so well when all I wanted to do was stay in bed all day. It was at these times, I would blame God for everything around me. Why, God? Why do You hate me? It's not until we change our perception of the world around us and re-frame our relationship with God. Instead of demand - ask. When you ask, be prepared to listen. Ask for forgiveness. Ask for a guiding hand in your day. Ask for help to see one or two great things about the world today. Then, give outside of yourself and experience the world on a different plane. When I sit next to someone in their first week of recovery at a meeting and offer words of hope and encouragement, my soul is finally being fed. When I get up in the morning and take that extra 5 minutes to read my daily meditation, my soul is being fed. In the throws of active addiction, my soul was not fed, it was constantly being drained of all resources. When I wanted and needed more, it was empty and therefore, I was empty and back looking for the bottle to try to replenish an empty spirit. 

When I give people recommendations for aftercare, I am often met with some cynicism. "Why do I have to do that?" etc. etc. Basically, I am requesting someone to learn from those who have gone before them. I am asking them to treat my words and recommendations as wisdom. If a person chooses a different path, I often think about the potential of relapse. Having been there myself quite a few times, yeah, I see what the future could possibly hold for them. One day I turned to the counselor that I was practicing under and said "I think he needs to go out and relapse." I caught myself by surprise. I don't wish relapse on anyone because 1. it is painful 2. this might very well be death for them. However, some people need convincing that they need to change their behavior in order for this to work. They want to walk out of treatment and "be fixed". Or they believe there is a level of willpower that will sustain their sobriety.  Some just need to see that it truly isn't that easy and they will need more support than they think. 

I spend many years learning my consequences. All in all, I have to say that I got pretty lucky considering all of the consequences I could have had with the level of my drinking. I do frequently thank God for that one. I could have ruined everything several years ago and not have been able to do what I am doing today. In fact, if I had things my way back in the day, I wouldn't be alive. I did not want to learn from the wisdom of others. I didn't want to hear it. I had my own plan and that is what was going to work. I was going to get out of treatment, go back to work and believe that I never really ever wanted to drink again. Yep, 60 days sober, relapse, pulled together another 90 days, relapse, 2 more weeks - back to detox. God handed me a rather large consequence in that round of detox. He gave me a decision. Pull it together or lose my nursing license. I was fortunate enough to have had an option. I didn't talk to God for about 6 months after that. "You took away my ability to drink...." is what I thought. It wasn't until 2 years in I finally realized, I can drink, I just have to deal with the consequences if I did. So, finally in August 2010, I stopped learning my consequence and surrendered to the others who has gone before me. I also surrendered my will and life over to God. He knows as many others do, if you put me in the driver's seat in this life, I will be making a fast beeline for the ditch. I have entrusted this Higher Power with my recovery and therefore my life. 

There were several other things that the pastor touched on tonight that I would like to write about. It will have to wait for another night, however! What I did realize tonight that my spirituality, my faith and my recovery are all the same to me. When I am seeking out more from my spirituality, it is because I feel some sort of restlessness in my recovery. The pastor started out tonight talking about how people can become complacent in their faith and therefore become stuck in a rut. That is exactly what happens in recovery. If I stop searching for or desiring growth in my recovery, I start to let addiction creep in again. As the AAers put it, I become "restless, irritable and discontent." It's a recipe for disaster in my world. Fortunately, I feel like I am engaging in a period of significant growth so my soul is feeling happy and warm at the moment. 

Julie

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