Mind of Addiction

Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay

Today will be an entry inspired, yet again, by YouTube. I have been following a couple of stories on this platform. Mainly I watch all sorts of "drama that isn't mine" kind of content. I stumbled on a commentary channel where the host reacts to full episodes of "My 600 Pound Life" from TLC. The woman they were following for this particular episode displayed was quintessential addiction behavior. The most common question I get about my experience with addiction is why I did/acted the way that I did. I was watching the people around this woman asking nearly identical questions. "What is wrong with her?" "Can't she see she is going to die?" "Why doesn't she even change a little when she says she is so miserable?" 

So, let's take a few of these questions and I will try to answer them from my experience. Addiction may look different from person to person. There are some general commonalities most people with addiction display or do as a part of the addiction process. 

Seriously? Can she not see how much she is hurting herself and everyone around her?
The simple answer is "yes". I can see that I am hurting myself, I know that. I am hurting people around me, I know that. In my mind, I just didn't want that to be true. I had a lot of health side effects from excessive, chronic alcohol use. Constant GERD, headaches, blurred vision, dehydration, low potassium, abdominal pain, gastric distress, vomiting, swelling of liver, etc. Every time I would go to the doctors, I would have a near meltdown that this visit was the visit they were going to tell me that I was in liver failure. I would get a semi-clean bill of health, I would go straight to denial saying what I was doing wasn't that bad. 

My marriage took the brunt of my use. I was able to lie to just about everyone else about what was going on. I was always playing a game with the best way to defuse anger with me or my behavior. I became pretty savvy about hiding things. I made drastic changes to my work schedule to spend the least amount of time at home with my former spouse home so I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. I said all the things addicts say: "I will stop now." "I won't do that again." "I will get some help." I made a few steps in that direction, Yet, as the relationship continued to deteriorate, I figured I didn't need to change because it wasn't going to save that relationship anyway. In my mind, I was happier drinking every day than being in that relationship.

Then the denial set in. Changing would make any difference. I liked drinking. I wasn't hurting anyone anyway. I think at the base of all that denial was the sheer terror of what it would take to change. I didn't know what life would be like without alcohol. I believed I would have no friends or be able to have fun. Yet, my friendships were falling away because I trapped myself at home to drink. I wasn't having any fun anyway. Regardless, I didn't want to change. I was too scared to change. I was too afraid to admit I was addicted, lonely, scared, and not sure I was capable of that kind of change. 

What is it going to take to get you to change?
I sure let a lot of stuff go before I was willing to make the change and get help. I did make the decision on my own at first. In was in late 2009 I was feeling some motivation to change. I tried to say something at my annual physical. I kid you not, this was the conversation: "Is there anything else you want me to know?" "Ummm....yeah, I drink about a liter of hard alcohol daily or nearly daily." "OK, I will put down alcohol abuse on your chart, Anything else?" I went on a huge bender after that because in my mind, she said I was OK. My labs were normal. Around this time, I got a new job and I was super excited about it. I was noticing missing out on things with friends because I was so physically ill all the time. I was really getting tired of the cycle. 

Even though I reached out, got into detox, and transferred to treatment. I was not very sure that I wanted to change. I found myself seeking out reasons not to listen to parts of treatment. I overreacted to certain situations so I could give myself an excuse not to attend sessions or activities. In retrospect, the alcohol was cleared out of my system, but all of the skewed thinking and behavior was well intact. I was surprised that I pulled together 60 days before relapsing given how sick my thinking still was. 

Everyone's turning point is different. I don't believe that people have to hit a hard bottom to get help. I felt like my moment of getting help was out of personal desperation because alcohol was causing so many emotional problems and physical problems and alcohol stop answering my problems. I wanted to help but it was hard to sustain that amount of change. I stopped treatment about 3 sessions after my inpatient treatment. Without the support and structure, I went back pretty quickly. I personally needed to have some external motivation. I didn't feel like my life was worth changing for myself. The external motivation did come and I do credit it for holding my feet to the fire to make long-term change. (HPSP)

Why can't you stop?
I wish I knew that answer. I literally don't understand how people can stop when using alcohol. Compulsion is a strange deal/experience. I absolutely knew that when I started drinking I was going to stop until I went to sleep or passed out. I absolutely knew that alcohol was not healthy for me. I absolutely knew that I might die by alcohol overdose. Yet, none of that mattered in the moment. I could not see any consequence in that moment of pouring a drink. Whatever thoughts that I had that I shouldn't do this would be quickly justified. I know that I was driven by stress and emotion. After a while I was driven so much my the physical withdrawal symptoms. One of the hardest withdrawal symptoms for me was anxiety. I was crawling out of my skin and on the verge of panic at any moment. Even looking at an alcohol bottle would start calm that anxiety and for a glorious 15 minutes, I would feel "normal". I stopped shaking and I wasn't buzzed yet. I was just calm. Well, since I couldn't stop when I started, it was quickly spiral to full on drunkenness within 1-2 hours.  That desire to continue this pattern was stronger than any logic, any consequence. Nothing else mattered. I really did feel bad and guilty after the fact. If I angered someone or hurt someone, I felt horrible about it. Even feeling this guilt and sadness after almost every drinking episode, I still drank full well knowing that this was going to be the outcome. Toward the end, I didn't understand what the hell I was doing anymore.

In the future entry, I will try to answer some more of these "what the heck is going on with you" questions from my perspective. If you have a specific question that you have always wanted to ask an addict, shoot! I don't mind. It may not be the answer everyone will give, but it will be from my experience. 

Thanks for reading!!
​Julie