Inadequate

 Every time I go to church these days, I am inspired to get back to this blog and write. The church I attend doesn't necessary speak directly about recovery; however, every time I go, I feel more centered on my recovery and renewed to keep the days moving forward. I had several weekends booked and haven't been able to get to church for one reason or another. I can tell that I need this as much as I need my AA meetings. Church is something that feeds my soul, raises my consciousness and motivates me to continue on this journey.

The last couple of months at work have been tough. My client load snuck up on me. I was so focused on getting people in, I just forgot to stop when I should have. I will always say "yes" to an appointment even if it means I scheduled no break for lunch. I can say that I at least stopped taking on projects! That's a step in the right direction. In addition to a higher caseload, the situations of folks seem to be more complex. I feel this great sense of powerlessness to help. I want to help in the worst way. The reality is, I can't. I don't like that part of my job. For the past few months, I started to wonder if I am really equipped to handle this career. I felt the steam coming out of my ears and feeling some burnout coming on. After tonight's sermon, though, I am thinking what I was/am struggling with is a sense of inadequacy. 

I am a sensitive person. I am not sure that I always show this part of me. I want to be the fun, outgoing, "everything is awesome" or "complain with humorous sarcasm" person. In reality, there are times when I come home from work and sit in the dark looking over the day wondering if there is hope. I have loads of hope for myself, so no worries there. Being in recovery and then working in the field can be really difficult because I know where these guys are, what they are feeling and the confusing nature of how they got to where they are. I see shame, I see guilt, I see hopelessness, I see anger, I see resentments. On a few days, I see hope, I see great strides, I see things click for people. Those are amazing days. Other days I feel myself taking on the pain and anguish of all the other stuff because I am not sure what else I can possibly do. 

All of this came to a head earlier this month. I was sitting in a staffing, not able to concentrate. I was really in left field. Two coworkers expressed concern that I didn't look good. I had a fight break out in a group earlier in the week which required the jail staff to intervene. It shook me more than I was willing to admit. The day moved along with some of the toughest individual sessions of my career. I didn't know what to do or to say in these sessions. I didn't know if I made things worse by not being able to respond the way I thought I should have. This carried over into the next day. Finally day 3, I broke after a particularly heart-aching situation came into my office. I ended up tearing up with this person because, again, I didn't know what else to do. I left work early and called my mom. 

I took a nap on that day. I was up late that night because of this nap. I started searching online for other jobs. I didn't think I belonged in this position even though it has been a dream position for me. I had lost my confidence which has always been a little shaky in this field anyway. I was thinking that at least with nursing, I can put a ace bandage on, I can give some medication, I can call a doctor, I can do something. When I used to work in hospice, I had a great passion of letting my patients die with dignity and comfort. As a counselor, I am sometimes watching a person commit a slow suicide and try as I may, I cannot say the magic words to stop it from happening. That can lead a person to feel pretty inadequate.

I am so glad that I went to church tonight. During the past 2 months, I have been disconnecting from God. For whatever reason, when things get tough, I stop praying. That's when I need to pray the most, gosh darnit! I start to turn inwards and pick myself apart. When I turn inwards, everything starts to become about me. In reality, it isn't about me. I am trying to control things that I can't control. I am assume a great burden than I need to do. It's okay to feel and it's okay to be concerned. I just cannot take on all the struggles and worry of the problems around me and think I can handle it. In reality, I am more of a guide for people in this field. As I am acutely aware, my recovery is up to me. I seek out guidance and assistance when I am stuck or need a push. As a counselor, I am not the person who can solve all the problems. Each person who sits in front of me has a path they are look to go down. Even if I don't think it's the right path, I am there to support their journey and at least see the various options/paths available. Whatever they choose to do, is what they choose to do. It's not about me. Nor is it a reflection of my abilities or knowledge.

This begs the question for me, do I need to feel inadequate? I am pretty confident in my knowledge and understanding of addiction. I have a clear understanding of my treatment philosophy. I know exactly how I want to approach my clients. So, to answer this question. No is the easy answer. Where I will need some more help and awareness is to keep the boundaries of my worry and concern. 

I am working on all of this and learning the distinct value of self-care. I can't just say I am taking care of myself, I really have to take care of myself. 

Peace! J