Walking Away

A women spoke about her story tonight of feeling really inadequate. She had asked God for the opportunity to a mother and when she got there, she experienced all sorts of issues. A past that resurfaced to haunt her present, depression that gripped her being, the loss of friends who could not understand her anymore and an inability to connect with her child because of all these issues. Her words were very powerful and there were parts of her story I could so very related to. 

After my divorce, my drinking escalated to new and bewildering heights. At least when my husband was living with me, I had to make some reasonable effort not to drink every moment when I wasn't working. I would have to wait a few hours until he went to bed or whatever. Well, after getting him all moved out and being on my own, I finally felt free to do whatever I wanted. This is when I started "I can stop drinking anytime I want, I just don't want to" train of thinking. The reality at that point was that I couldn't stop drinking, I just didn't want to actually have to admit that. 

For about 3 years, I would drink into oblivion just about every night. I would turn from a happy-go-lucky buzzed individual to a massively depressed, suicidal epic mess within about an hour. I was hurting so badly. As much as I told everyone how happy I was to be divorced, I was devastated. I had failed at marriage, I had failed to stop drinking when I promised him I would, I failed at life as far as I was concerned. There is so much more acceptance to being married than there is being divorced. I was also mourning a dream. I had thought I could change and that he could change. Neither of us changed and we resented each other like hell for it. I didn't necessarily want him back, I wanted to acceptance and security marriage brought to me. I wanted to know that there was someone that loved me because I didn't feel very lovable anymore.

I cried most every night for 3 years before I went to bed. The world was spinning and I knew how badly I was going to feel in the morning. I debated most nights if I should throw up before I feel asleep because I probably wouldn't be so hungover in the morning. I hate throwing up though, so I wouldn't and still be relatively intoxicated the next morning. I would cry at night and ask God why he was still keeping me alive. I didn't like this life anymore. Why wouldn't He help me? Couldn't He see my pain? I cried and cried and decided that God was no longer listening. I knew of AA and I would never go because of that whole "God thing". God had abandoned me. 

Or at least this is what I thought. I had a moment of clarity to make a call to my mom and ask for help. That was a God moment. I had been building up the courage for a few weeks to do something. I had tried the route of taking my own life. God wasn't having any of that. On the morning of February 8th, 2010, I called for the first time and told my mom I needed treatment. Even though I had been drinking for about 12 hours and had consumed over a liter of hard alcohol, I was totally clear for 2 minutes to make that call. For 2 minutes I had some courage and resolve that something was going to change. 

I tried to resist the spirituality of recovery. I really wanted to do things on my own. Interestly though, I did keep praying even though I would swear up and down that I wasn't going to have God as a part of this recovery deal. I had a lot of external motivators to keep me sober until I got this whole thing figured out. Tonight in the sermon, our pastor was taking about Moses hurling excuse after excuse to God about why he shouldn't be the one to go on a journey to save the chosen people. It just reminded me of hurling all sorts of stuff at God about why won't You make this all go away. The message I took away is what I finally came to believe about my recovery. If we are willing to listen and answer the call, God will stick by us to get us on the right path. For all those years I cried and asked God why He didn't care about me and why I couldn't be sober, He heard. I just was unwilling to take 2 minutes to listen to the answer. He stuck certain people in my life and certain situations at opportune times. I didn't listen. I didn't want to change. I wanted an easier way out. 

Well, finally, I got that moment and it started my road to recovery. I stumbled a lot after 02/08/2010. Each time I fell, I am became a little more willing to change something. The very last time I landed in detox, I had the biggest war going on inside my head. I wanted to be sober but I was already planning to drink. I was borderline psychotic when I was admitted. I was hearing voices and I was really sick from all the alcohol consumption. Dr. Amer was my doctor the first time I was in detox and he saved me a bed in treatment when the place was full. When I returned, I sat beside my bed in a chair. He grabbed my hand and told me first that I was going to be ok. He wanted to know what was going on. I believe my response to him was "I screwed up." He told me it wasn't that, he knew I could get better. After I had cleared the alcohol and returned to a normal state, he talked to me about the monitoring program for nurses. He had spent enough time with me in detox to know that nursing was everything to me. Nursing was me. I had very little else. 

While he was telling me about this program, I was trying to figure out how to wiggle my way out of it like I did the first time when I was in treatment. He asked me what I wanted to do. "Give me the phone before I change my mind." I enrolled even though 85% of me was not on board with this plan. God was louder than my addiction in that moment. God put Dr. Amer there because he was so kind and loving to us addicts in our worse times. On the way out the door, he shouted. "What's the plan Julie?" "Stop drinking, Dr. Amer." "Yep, hope to not see you again!" I haven't seen him since August of 2010. 

​ It was about a year into my recovery where I started letting some of my resentments as God go. I had a few from many years ago. When my dad was really sick and dying from cancer in our home, I really believed that if I prayed hard enough, everything would be okay. Well, he died, that wasn't ok with me. I struggled through depression and anxiety for a long time and I didn't get why when I prayed it didn't go away. I spend the larger part of 10 years yelling at Him about my drinking. What I finally learned about working with God is that I had to start listening. Sometimes the answer to my prayers is "no" and there are reasons for that. Sometimes the answer is "yes" but the path isn't 100% clear. The path is my journey to experience. Sometimes, the answer has been in front of me the whole time, I just got too busy to see it for what it really was. God had been talking to me through all those years. I didn't really care for the answers or I wasn't ready to do the work required of me. 

I am so grateful for the church I have been attending for the past couple of years now. It is a fantastic reminder of how important spirituality to my recovery. I need to refocus sometimes and get connected. The more I turn inward, the less I am willing to listen. I get so focused on me that I exclude any notion that maybe what I am feeling or experience isn't really about me or my perception of what is happening is not really true. Well, I got reconnected big time tonight and all these memories that flooded back during the sermon gave me some major strength tonight. It reminds me that recovery is way more than just not drinking. It is engaging and valuing the experiences -- good or bad -- as a roadmap for the future. Even in my hardest times sober, it is nothing like the depths of despair I experienced while drinking. 

Wishing everyone peace tonight!
​J