Whatever Will Be Will Be....

Life has really become a delicate balance of trusting that the greater universe is making happen what needs to happen while also trying to actively engaging in change. There are some situations in life that I can easily look at and say "well, that's just the way things need to happen..." Usually these things are the easier situations in life. Maybe the hardest situations being those in which I experience some disappointment, but no real disruptions in life. The more difficult ones are the situations that feel unfair and become disruptive. It only seems well after the situation has past that I can see how the greater role plays out to get me to where I need to be.

In my efforts to be more mindful these days, I am really trying to approach life in general as, "whatever will be will be..." I think I have taken an active enough role in changing my thoughts and thinking that I can really be allowed to get let things progress in the way that they were meant to be. It's been a struggle, no doubt. There are people, places and things that make it so hard to just say "hey, let's let this play out and see where it lands....". My struggles with guilt also seem to sneak in during these times. I feel like I SHOULD be doing something or offering suggestions or try and take control. Ugh, I know exactly where this lands me - feeling lost, out of control and frustrated. On the flip side of the coin, though, it is hard to get to that point of acceptance and say "well, this sucks, but their must be a greater purpose here".

This next phase of my journey is going to have a lot of these struggles. I just hope that I have practiced enough to be able to see what I need to see and experience what I need to experience. This part of my recovery is so different than my first 2 years. I felt like I was always having to fight in those first 2 years. I was fighting urges, dreams, thoughts, memories, stress, apathy, depression, anxiety, change. It was just one thing after another and most of the time, many things all at once. Now that things have evened out some, I feel like I have turned a corner of some sort. It's a good one, it just really different. In case people have gathered from my previous blogs, I don't like change all that much. I am glad, on some level though, that I don't need to have a battle. I think I have been creating some battles within myself just because I have become accustom to it. My therapist, along with others in my care team keep telling me that I am doing well. I believe that, just not all the time. Creating mountains out of mole hills in an effort to keep the norm.....sigh....

I went to a friend's wedding yesterday. I was really excited to go, mainly, because I knew there were going to be quite a few people there that I hadn't seen in so many years. I really had a blast. There was no social anxiety, there was no craving for alcohol, there were many laughs and new memories created. I felt good and confident in the person I have become. It was such a change. I was quite scared to go. The last time I saw a lot of these people, I was still married and was drinking so heavily. What if I didn't remember being a total jerk to them? What if they really don't like me because of who I was? So, my brain starts moving in the wrong direction. I jumped into my "OPPOSITE TO EMOTION ACTION". I started feeling fear, I looked in the mirror and said, whatever will be will be. Take a shower and get your ass moving, don't forget their card and let's do this. Ironically, I got terribly lost and ran into someone else that got lost going to the wedding. They figured it out and I was able to follow them. I never would have figured that out. See? The greater universe at play. I was meant to be there, I looked fear in the eye and said too bad, I am on my way.

It just dawned on me that having control in a situation while having the greater universe at play can actually co-exist too! I was really thinking that these two things were quite separate and could not coexist. Well, there you have it, they can. I got myself rolling and the universe took care of the rest. What a day!

In 4 days I will be celebrating my 2 years. In 3 weeks, I will be starting grad school. In 2 years I will be a counselor. Wow, 4 years ago, all I wanted to do was die. What was I thinking? Life is good to be buried under ground! :)

XOXOX