The Difference

Usually I write blog post around my birthday. I love birthdays. Holidays are great; however, to me, a birthday is a special day for each person. I don't care so much anymore about what age I am. I am finding as I grow older, age is just a number. For the record, I am 43. Last year, I was just coming back from New York after my birthday and was super crabby about coming home. I posted a meme about "42" from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:

Deep down I was hoping for a really good year as 2018 had its series of difficulties for me. I also think a part of me knew that I was going to be making some really big decisions in this year. Honestly, I had no idea I would end up where I did. Let's explore.

At the beginning of 2019, I wanted to work in corrections. I missed working with the women in the jail. I have some of my best memories from down there. I felt like I did really good treatment there. I felt like I made a difference. I had been out of the jail for about 6 months and I was really missing it. I didn't care for the job I was in. I was pulled in so many directions with no consistency. When I asked for it, things got worse. I was starting to play both sides of the fence. That got me in trouble a lot because both sides had a lot of meetings together and it was clear I wasn't on anyone's side when it all came right down to it. So, I suddenly see a job posting working at a medium security prison. A treatment case manager position that would help inmates secure transfers to treatment and sober living upon release. I was so excited. This sounded amazing - no groups, no individuals....case management.

I was recommended, as long as I was looking, to start applying elsewhere too. "You never know!" I got the interview at the prison and just about jumped out of my skin. The interview went amazingly. Then the calls started coming in en masse. I was scheduled 2-3 interviews every Monday and stopped finally at 8. I got offers for 8 out of 9. Guess which one I didn't get....the prison. (As a total side note, it sounds like I dodged a bullet with this one anyway, but I was still disappointed before I knew that.) Anyway, with this process, something changed. After April, when all of the offers were declined and I decided to stay, I was more unhappy than ever despite the fact that I made the decision to stay.

Fast forward to 2020: I cross-trained at another clinic today within the system that I work. I work at an all men's facility part-time right now. I cross trained at a methadone clinic for some extra hours. I had NO idea what this was going to be like. They were flexible shifts and a bonus per shift to do this. (Man I missed nursing with bonuses and shift differentials,) I thought, "why the heck not? The worse is that I say after Day 1, no thanks. I am not bound by anything." My current nurse manager made me write down on a post-it note: "I will not let them poach me for their clinic. CR likes me better and I will stay here." I laughed and obliged. I scheduled myself for 3 days of orientation. I have never done anything like this and thought that 3 days was a little skimpy. However, on day 2, they offered me a full-time position. I let them know I was not interested in a full-time position; they came back and offered me a part-time position. I told them that my Nurse Manager was not going to let me be poached and I wrote a "contract" with her saying as much. The shift lead said "you just smile all the time and you are so good with the clients. Are you really sure you don't want to come here? You look happy." 

Now, that is not something I have heard in a long time. The latter half of 2019, I was approached by several different people at work on several different occasions asking if I was OK. "You look sick." "Wow, you look so tired." "Do you feel OK?" I would go and look at myself in the mirror during a bathroom break and I would just look at myself and say "yikes, I don't look good." I even have a good before and after picture to illustrate my point. The first photo is from mid-2019 and the second was the weekend after my last day:

Can you tell the difference? I added the stars to the top one to make me sparkle a little bit for a facebook profile photo. I look like the life has been sucked out of me. The current picture, yeah, I am grayer and I still have circles under my eyes, but I look alive and have some excitement in my eyes. I felt very alive and present that day too. So, the lead nurse was right. I do look happy but it's not because of working at the clinic. It's just how I am right now.

I smile at every client I work with at both places. I ask how they are and make small talk. They find me to be "really nice" and "don't mess with her though..." which is important to me. That's about boundaries. It's not that I wasn't nice to my previous clients. I just didn't have the energy to be "happy" or look happy. I don't even have to try right now. My default mode is smiling. Saying Hi to strangers and make small talk with cashiers. I really missed this part of me. I like talking to people. I like having friendly interactions. With all the chaos and negativity in the world, do we really even know what a simple smile can do for someone? Or treating each other with a little respect? God, I missed "this". Whatever "this" is defined as. Maybe it's just me being me or me being happy and doing more positive things. I don't know. I used to have it, I lost it and now it's back. 

So, what's the difference? I hear similar comments now that I had previously. Currently, I am being offered possible promotions, full-time hours, more hours, more perks....I have been there for 3 weeks. My nurse manager said "they are going to see what I saw and try to steal you. Absolutely not." The difference right now seems to be the genuineness that I feel when they say these things. I believed it from my previous co-workers, but not from management. The positive feedback that I got seemed rare at that level and often felt forced. I would hear "good job" but I rarely believed that. I don't feel like I sought a lot of approval from management and at the same time I really needed it. When I critiqued about every move I made, I stopped knowing what move to make. Make the same move on two different days and the reactions would be total opposites. "I did this worksheet with a client....." Way to think outside the box, what a great idea! The next day, why are you doing that in session, that should be homework. I started to feel that the tables would turn in order to maintain a level of control. I began to develop serious self-doubt. It's still lingering right now, although it is falling to wayside more quickly than I would have thought.

I am back where I feel good. I am not the best nurse in the world, but I am a damn good nurse. I am smart and capable of a lot. To be recognized so rapidly in this environment has been almost shocking. I spent the first year of my last position wondering which day of the week they were going to fire me. I didn't even decorate my office the first year because I literally thought everyday was going to be my last. It slowly got better as I gained more skill in my craft. However, it never got as good as it is right now after being with my current employer for 3 weeks. I feel heard and appreciated. I got up at 4:00am for three days in a row this week and didn't really mind (WHAT?!?!). I had a great experience at the methadone clinic. I will continue to pick up a few shifts here and there. I was back back at my facility today for a staff meeting and I was greeted like they hadn't seen me in 10 years. "You're home!" I have been there....seriously....three weeks. 

 Additionally, I accepted a position on the Board of Directors for a local non-profit. I feel like a serious grown-up here. I had a meeting on Monday night and was so energized by the ideas around the table. I will have the opportunity to participate in some things I really love to do like public speaking. I will take a couple of hours a month to help support this non-profit I very much believe in. Had this opportunity come any earlier, I would have had to decline because of a lack of energy and will. That would have been sad. Several of the board members commented after I introduced myself  with "WOW. What haven't you done. You are a great addition." 

So, the biggest difference is how I feel about myself within my job situation. I will never change. My job is a huge part of me and my identity. I have been counseled about this and warned about this; however, my purpose in life is work. I often call myself the childless mother. I have that innate motherly instinct to take care of others. Because I don't have children, I put most of my energy into work and put that instinct/desire to good use. It's when the balance is lost and my job takes over everything is when I get in trouble. I know that now - very clearly in fact. Today, when I shut down my station at the clinic, I chatted with a couple of folks for a few minutes, hopped in my car and started to think about what I was going to write in my blog. I thought about successes in my day for a few minutes and leave the "not so successful" moments behind just as quickly. (An example....changing out a methadone bottle and spilling it all over the place.....ugh! They told me that is their version of hazing. Everyone does it at some point. Glad day 3 was the day for me.)  Anyway, I just don't take it home. It is the most freeing thing I have experience in a long time. 

So, while year 42 was pretty rough, in a lot of ways, what I posted for my birthday meme was true. 42 - the answer to life, the universe and everything. The answer was to get my life back, put my universe and relationship to it back in place and watch everything change. Year 43 has great promise thus far. So, here's to many more days of random smiles and a balanced life. I am super, crazy busy; it's MY kind of super crazy busy that brings me great joy.

Peace,
​Julie