Life Changes

There's an ongoing joke in the world of AA about substance addiction. "I hate the way things are! I also hate change!" While most of us smile or giggle a bit when we hear that, I know I had been stuck in that rut for many years. When I got out of treatment the first time, my sponsor at the time quoted the above saying, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." One thing I have learned about myself in recovery, if I get testy, annoyed or angry about something said to me, it's because whatever it is.....it's true. My brain can be pretty stubborn, especially when addiction is rolling around activated because I am not working some part of my recovery.

I thought about this saying a lot in my last few months of my decision making process to change jobs. It was strange how similar the process was about leaving my job and deciding not to drink again. In both situations, I was really concerned about what my future was going to look like. Without drinking, was life even possible? I knew life beyond my job was possible, I just wasn't sure I was ever going to find the mix of people I worked with and a similar opportunity in the future. With treatment, I was a voluntary admit. I made that decision to go in. I was terrified and feeling so ashamed of myself. I panicked and pushed through. I had a moment of clarity and jumped on whatever that intervention was to look at something different. I labored about this decision to leave my job and then one day, actually one email threw me over the edge. I jumped on that moment of clarity and resigned the very next day. 

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I wasn't really taking good care of my recovery. It's a weird concept to look at active addiction when a person isn't using. I think my addiction gets super aggravated by stress. I read nightly about what the symptoms of chronic, long-term stress looked like. I knew my health issues were related to stress. I knew that my mental health decline was due to stress. I kept reading all of this blogs and articles about the anxiety, depression, lack of motivation and practical inability to function which results from prolonged stress. I check every box of every quiz about symptoms or experiences. Yet, I pushed on and on because change is hard. And scary. And ironically, stressful. 

Here are some of the health signs I found about chronic stress: 
*Low energy.
*Headaches.
*Upset stomach, including diarrhea, constipation, and nausea.
*Aches, pains, and tense muscles.
*Chest pain and rapid heartbeat.
*Insomnia.
*Frequent colds and infections.
Check, check, check, check, etc. I had all of these. These issues then turn into the emotional symptoms of chronic stress:
*Feeling you can't get things done.
*Moodiness.
*Anxiety.
*Restlessness.
*Lack of motivation.
*Irritability.
*Sadness or depression.
Again, check, check, check, check, etc. 

What does addiction look like for me when I am not drinking? I focused on this for the first 2 years of my recovery because I have to admit, addiction is a sneaky bastard. There are little shifts here and there. Suddenly, I just walked 10 steps closer to the liquor store before I realized it.
*Irritability - This isn't just crabby, this is aggressive and mean
*A Clinical Case of the F-Its - I don't care, I don't want to care, why bother, this sucks, everything sucks
*Thinking about drinking and if I could get away with it. Normally if I think about drinking, that is something fleeting and I let go of it right away. "Wow it would be fun to have a beer, but no - Diet Pepsi please!" When addiction is active for me, I jump on that bandwagon and actually start to think in more detail about if I could really do that. I went to visit a friend last week and we both talked about how we thought about relapsing as a way to get out of our jobs. That folks, is addiction thinking and it's not good.
*Disregard for Values: One of my absolute favor things about recovery was finally getting in touch with the things that were important to me. I got an assignment after being sober for 7 months. "List your values." OK. Um family - I dig them. Work - I need money and something to give me purpose. That is all I could come up with. My therapist and I did some major work around this and by year one of consistent recovery, I knew exactly what was important to me, what my boundaries were and what I could no longer compromise on. When addiction is alive and well, I start to disregard these things. First the shifts are subtle, letting cleaning go, not caring about what time I showed up to work. Then the disregard evolved into lying by omission to others about where I was at. I developed a lot of absenteeism from work. The addict part of my mind just said "people are gonna freak if you are honest....so don't." I didn't. I stopped valuing my recovery. Boom. Danger Zone. Red flags. 

That's what it looks like to white knuckle sobriety. I am not happy about much. I am not grateful about much. I stopped caring about the things that mean the world to me. I convinced myself to isolate when I know the opposite is what I need. I thought about giving up recovery because "it's hard and I don't like it..." (so says my addict brain). I was becoming so short-tempered and angry all the time. I could barely stand myself. I think this is one of the reasons I tried to sleep so much. No thinking. Yet, dreaming was an issue too. I was dreaming about all sort of shenanigans to get into trouble. No rest for the weary I guess.

Fast forward to today. Wow. I have been more socially active in the past 3 weeks than the prior 5 months. I am working less hours, earning the same amount of money. I ACTUALLY HAVE TIME TO TAKE CARE OF ME. I have still not perfected what I need to take care of me. I do know that everything above isn't it. I returned to recovery readings. I have re-connected with some AA buddies. I have started to breath again. I am shedding fear and taking on a huge change. It has paid of 10,000 fold for me. I feel like my previous job and state are now year ago. As I mentioned in my last blog, I am still holding on to some resentments. That will just take some time to heal. When I go into work, I am  not tortured or anxiety ridden. My commute is 10 minutes and I am home in a flash. I have the energy to do something after work, not crawl immediately into bed and not sleep for 8 hours. I was truly unaware that this change would have this level of impact on my life. It was terrifying. It was exciting. Three weeks in, I am happy to say it was totally worth it. I miss my work family a ton. I will maintain those friendships the best I can. They are important people to me. 

When I was in counseling, I often told the people that I worked with that some of the best amends are you living a good life. I think about how my family was so relieved and happy when I started to get into recovery. I wasn't so sad anymore. I wasn't unhappy. I wasn't changing jobs every 2 minutes. I was focused and available. I wasn't in the hospital, the psych ward or the detox centers anymore. There was no need to worry about me the way they had in the past. I think anyone that knows me and cares about me would agree: The only thing people have ever wished for me is a good life and happiness. Because my hope is returning, along with my energy, I feel like I am on the fast track to getting back to my values and my happiness. I am not fighting with myself anymore. I am not thinking about drinking anymore. I am ready to be brave and try things I haven't done before (like chemistry ugh). 

I don't think changes have to be as big as the one I recently made to have a huge impact on one's life. I saw how little changes brought me back to a place of guilt and shame. Little changes can be so helpful to starting to turn in a different direction. Say something nice about yourself. Tell yourself that you are successful (because you are!!!). I have been told on more than one occasion that I am my own worse critic. I am exceptionally hard on myself which has contributed to a significant loss of confidence. Each day of the last 3 weeks, I have made some steps to gain that confidence back. I am so tremendously happy to be back in nursing. Things are falling into place and I am feeling like I am in a place to be grateful for it. I started praying again. I have located a new church that I would like to try. I have reconnected with my recovery community. I am getting rigorously honest about where I was and where I want to go. My God, this feels amazing. Sometimes, I am just no aware of how bad things had become until I step away. 

Wishing everyone a great February!
​Julie