My Truth

It has been an interesting couple of weeks since my last post. The contents of my previous entries were made known to my superiors which set a series of actions in motion. I was shocked when I was confronted with my own words in my professional setting since my blog is very much about my personal processes. Alas, I took it as a moment of empowerment. I talk with my supervisor about how unhappy I was; how burned out I was. There were offers to change up my job to other things that I used to like to do. As we continued our planning of restructuring our department, I still was not able to find my light or passion to continue moving forward. My feelings have not changed despite knowing that things would change as soon as January.

It was uncomfortable for me knowing that my superiors knew of my unhappiness. My biggest issues with my unhappiness was really trying to find something that would make me happy again. The pressure was placed back on me to find that, and quickly, so that changes could be made. My words were used against me especially in context of why I can compartmentalize what I do in nursing and not what I do with counseling. I don’t know why and I couldn't answer that question. I wish I knew because I would be a lot happier in general if I could finish my shift and leave it all behind knowing that the next shift has my back.

I worked myself up so much it tripped a migraine that had me in bed for nearly two days. I finally left the house after three days of sleeping and trying to feel better to meet with my therapist. He was shocked about the series of the events from the previous week I saw him. He let me say my peace about everything from nursing, to counseling, to writing, to future and the need to make a decision as soon as possible. I felt increased pressure to make a commitment to either staying or leaving. I re-read my own words and felt at peace for the first time in a long time. I made the decision to resign. I did so on Tuesday.

I have talked in a previous blog about to contradictory things existing together. Well, this holiday week was totally full of that. The resignation process was completed with in 15 minutes of my arrival on Tuesday. I found myself very emotional about the situation. What I am not entirely sure about is whether it was sadness or relief. I think it was a bit of both. There are things that I am really going to miss about my work. I will miss the connections with and progress of clients. I will miss my co-workers A LOT. It was the hardest thing to tell them prior the rumor mill hitting them first. Most of the people know that I was struggling whether through this blog or with personal conversations. Lots of people were worried about me as it was apparent that my health was turning poor and my ability to keep up was fading.

Now that I have made this decision, I started reaching out to figure out the next adventure. I was interviewed and hired within 12 hours for a nurse position at a treatment center near to my home. Never in all of my years as a nurse, did I ever think of working in a treatment center. Part of that was the fact that I was drunk myself so working in a treatment center would be pretty challenging. What I remember is that when we were doing our clinical rotation in nursing school, my absolute, 150% favorite rotation was at the Anoka Regional Treatment Center which is a long-term mental health facility. I was assigned to a male unit with severe behavioral and mental health issues. I thought I would be scared. I was not. I was able to sit and talk with each patient and hear their stories. I was asked to complete a chart review while there and I selected a very complex patient who I read all about before meeting. When I met him in the day room, he was totally different than I expected. He was human. He was suffering with severe mental health issues. He wanted to get better and go home. This experience was a profound one that I have never forgotten.

When I started with transplant, I had forgotten about these experiences. It never dawned on me that I could move into chemical dependency/mental health as a nurse. I missed the boat there and maybe misunderstood the calling. However, I don’t regret getting my masters degree as that I was goal of mine. I carry my regret in getting such a specific degree that offered only a few different paths. I gave the counseling gig 5 years. I think that is a reasonable attempt to work in the field and see if it’s truly my calling. Now I feel like I have found a better connection to the field in a capacity in which I feel confident to perform my work. I never did find that confidence in counseling. I felt like a fake. I tell you all this great advice and follow none of it myself. I didn’t feel authentic with my clients. I felt like I was trying really hard to put on a show. I did that for years when I was drinking and it was exhausting.

I have been hired part-time in that position. I will continue with my work with the transplant team. On Monday, I have an interview to work as a causal staff with a pediatric home care company. As I scrolled through all the ads for LPNs, I saw many that reminded me of places that I didn’t like working at prior to starting with transplant. Part of me wonders if I would be better at these positions now because I am actually sober. However, I thought, why not try something new? If I don’t like it, I just don’t pick up. I have surprised myself over the years about being pretty decent with kids. Also, it’s something very different, something I have never done and I have a base level of skills to be successful.

Looking at these options, I will be working a few different jobs which is something that I like to do. It will allow me flexibility in my schedule to have more control. My income will match what I am making now if not slightly more. I will also be afforded the opportunity to continue to pursue completing my RN degree. I will find out more about that in a few weeks. While it may seem crazy to some that working 3 part-time jobs, I am most excited about this. Having the ultimate control of my schedule, working the hours I need to or want to is incredibly empowering. I hoping for a little more time off and having the opportunity to get back into nursing skills.

While part of me doesn’t know if this whole situation was ideal, I am feeling relieved. I really don’t feel that if I limped along for a few more months or one more year, things would feel any different. The hardest part is leaving people behind. I hope that I will be able to maintain these friendships throughout the years ahead. Most of all, I need to get back to me. I used to laugh a lot more. I used to have more happiness in my life. I used to be more connected with others. I opted to marry my job in the hopes of filling a hole in my overall purpose. While I might have served a purpose for some things and at certain points, deciding to allow my work to consume my whole life has left me feeling emptier and lonelier. I felt less hope. I felt my recovery start to shake. I watched my physical and mental health continue to decline despite a clear understanding that they were declining.

In some ways, this feels like my divorce. I tried so hard to be someone I thought others would want to have around. In all that effort, I lost who I really was. I remember my ex-husband saying to me the day after I asked for a divorce, “Wow, this is the most of ‘you’ I have seen in along time.” I feel that way today. I started diamond painting again after having stopped for several months. I organized my craft things because I have events that I will be going to. I went out and window shopped like I had done every weekend for the past 5 years. I am reaching out to others to do things. I feel like me again. My therapist noticed a distinct difference today when I popped in to catch him up my decisions. “You look good.” I wasn’t angry the whole session. I wasn’t there to release a whole bunch of stress. I was there to talk about how to manage my time in a way that is effective and keeps me true to myself. While my divorce was hard, it was the right decision. I feel that way now about my job. I got so far down into it that I could no longer see the light. While I was at the bottom arguing about whether or not the light existed, I never saw how far down I had really gone into this hole.

Initially, I was frustrated and upset that my blog information came seeping into my professional life. That is a risk that I run writing my truth and sharing with others. I have been blogging for about 8 years and this is the first time it has happened. I have been cautioned in the past that my words could come back to haunt me. So, I guess they did on some level and I am upset by that. However, in the long game, I spoke my truth. I needed to honor my truth. It didn’t maybe happen on my timeline, but it happened. I am feeling a great sense of relief about it all. I truly appreciate the support of all those who reached out to me in the past few weeks and also the support of my family who offered thoughts and some prayers as I made this journey.

The big take away from this all: If I choose to go the path of not being authentic, I will suffer. If I choose not to honor my own feelings or experiences, I will suffer. The active alcoholic in me was constantly dodging and weaving around the truth of my life at that time, I suffered. When I got married and tried to be something I wasn’t, I suffered. When I struggled in this field to deal with the trauma I see on a day to day basis, I started to deny my own experiences and feelings. I started to turn the blame on myself. “There is something wrong with me. I am not strong enough. I don’t feel right here but I should because I am good at it.” And……I suffered. Recovery was this amazing process of finding myself and honoring me for me. I started to go back into old behavioral patterns and it was a glimpse of what life is like when I don’t do what is right for me. There is nothing wrong with me. I am who I am and that doesn’t include being an addictions counselor. It does include the opportunity to share recovery in a way that feels most authentic to me. 

​Julie