Regrets

Image by Tumisu from Pixabay ​​​

If I remember correctly, I have touched on the subject of regrets here and there especially when it has come to making some big decisions about changing my life's direction. As I mentioned in my last blog, I try not to get stuck in regret because there is nothing I can really do to change what has happened. On some level, regret is healthy for me. If I feeling regretful about something, I find it important to know why. Was it something against my value system? Was it something impulsive? Did I spend enough time thinking about? Most importantly, did I not listen to myself when I had major doubts about that decision? Exploring regret can be important so I can learn what I need to learn from that situation.

Some situations, though, leave me feeling regretful about actions I did not take or parts of my life that I let pass by. These are the times I want to be careful about regret. Yes, learn something from it, but don't get stuck here. Well, for the past few weeks, I got "stuck there." "There" isn't super easy for me to define at the moment other than I know that I was hit upside the head with grief. In that grief, I started down the rabbit hole of regrets about words left unsaid, actions not taken, and honestly, just wondering why things happen. 

I met with my therapist because I knew I was getting stuck. If I stayed there much longer, I would probably be looking into a relapse of my depression. The depression I feel today is situational and at the same time a long-term thing. I lost my Dad at 14. I lost an amazing friend in 2004. I lost my marriage. I lost a major relationship. I lost another friend in 2021. And now one of my best friends in 2022. When a new loss comes down the pike, I feel like the loss and pain from all of these other situations comes flying back leaving me wonder if I hadn't dealt with previously. Is that why the compounding grief has returned? Or is this just the deal?

So my therapist asked me a month ago, "what is your goal with grief?" I spun on that question for a few weeks. Is there a goal to be had? After weeks so stewing on it, he tells me that there really isn't a "goal" to strive for because loss changes life. If there is goal, it might be to learn to live with grief and not fight it every time it surfaces. Maybe I just don't know how to live with grief. I've said it before and I will say it again, I don't understand grief. I don't get these feelings and what I am supposed to do with them. I cry. I don't feel better. I think of the happier times; I end up getting kind of mad. When I think of those times, that it what I want right now. I want that person with me. Here. Now. Then these feelings would go away. That, sadly, is not the reality, so I am in place to figure out how to "accept" all of this.

Acceptance was likely the most powerful thing that happened to me when I was getting sober. I had to accept that life was going to be different now. I had to accept that some things I destroyed were no longer fixable. I had to accept that a different life was needed. I needed to accept change. Although it was hard and scary, acceptance became less scary and even helpful when I saw the number of positive changes that were occurring in my life because I finally accepted that I can't drink normally. I will never drink normally. If I want to live, I need to stop. In retrospect, acceptance changed the game and helped me to put everything in its place. I even had a 12 step plan to work through all the regrets of my past actions!  

Acceptance is part of this grief process too. I need to accept that KG is gone. I can't help but think about all the times she was such a rock for me when I was finding my way through a divorce and sobriety. I feel regret that I was not as good of a friend back to her. I feel regret for all those things we were going to get on the schedule in the next few months. Now it's too late. I am sad that my friend is gone and there is nothing I can do about it. At this time, I feel like if I weren't sad and grieving every moment I wouldn't be doing justice to just how important she was in my life. How do you just go on? I feel if I don't hold on tight to this grief I will lose her and all the others whom I have lost. I am not in a space to feel like living a happy life honors them in any way. Me feeling some level of pain feels more appropriate. 

My therapist, of course, had many suggestions of way to honor her memory and the memories of the others that I have lost. I know he is right, that's why I pay the man. But, I am not ready for that. I am not ready to be 100% OK with all of this and have life move forward as if nothing happened. By just moving on, I, again, feel like I am saying "I am OK without you." I'm not. Currently, I am not able to reconcile these things in a way that makes sense for me. It's a process, I get it. The process is incredibly frustrating though.

On the healthier side of all of this, I know I can't stop my life. I will continue to pile things onto the "regret pile" if I let other relationships weaken or stop pursuing goals. The people whom I have lost would be annoyed if I did that. I believe all of their souls are at peace now with each of them struggling with different battles while here. If they are at peace, shouldn't my grieving heart appreciate that....even just a little? Personally, when I go, I want people to tell goofy stories and laugh their asses off about fun adventures, my ridiculous stories, or obsessive love of cats. I don't want anybody's life to stop because mine did. After 30+ years, I am sure my Dad would feel that. "Onward, Googs!" (That was my nickname). RC has come to me and let me know that we were cool. I had major regrets with him. 

These more recent losses, though, are very fresh. It took me probably 10 years to come to a good place with my Dad. About 12 years to be at peace with RC. The pain of those losses does come flying back with new losses. 2020-2022 have been crappy years for losses. I know so many people who have experienced devastating and crippling losses. I have talked with some folks about this whole grief process and how they appear to have adjusted so amazingly. Well, come to find out (I am inserting a little sarcasm here), what I see on social media isn't a 100% reflection of anyone's life. Even my own page reflects that. What appears like effortless transitions are really people still working through their grief and searching for the same thing I am. Peace. Understanding. Acceptance. 

So, part of my process of not getting stuck in regret is writing. So I am doing my best to muster some energy and courage to speak my truth. I am OK. I will be OK. I am just very, very sad and wish my friend was here to give me a hug. She would tell me I was going to make it. I've been through tough times before. I can do it again. Today, though, I don't want to be strong. I want to know why she is gone. I want one last conversation. I want one last hug. One last laugh together. I can't have that and it makes my heart hurt.

Love to everyone out there <3
Julie