Recovery Month 2022 - Part 2

I noticed pretty quickly yesterday that my post got cut off. I am not sure what happened there. Alas, I will try to pick up where I left off in my last post! I believe I was "circling the drain". 

The hardest thing to explain about addiction is how I made my decisions. I was unhappy, miserable, and more depressed than ever had been. Yet, I fought the idea of going to treatment or stopping. I would start justifying things. "I can stop if I want to, but I don't want to." I would NEVER agree that I couldn't stop anymore. I would wake up in the morning - it's over, I am done. Yet 12 hours later, I am back doing the same thing, getting the same result, and wondering what I ended up screwing up this time around. Did I lose a friend? Did I screw up at work? Did I mess with my family? The answer was never good. It was like having a moment of clarity every morning and forgetting that clarity within minutes. I honestly couldn't explain why I kept making the same horrible decisions every day. The obsession was overpowering and I had little skill in mounting a response. 

I required a lot of external motivation and accountability in those first few years. After the first year, I started to let go of using alcohol. I was mad about it, trust me. I wanted to drink. I came close a few times. Because of the external accountability factors, I did not use. But feeling like I want to use all the time was pretty crappy too. Finally, I came to the conclusion that if I could give up just this one thing, I could have many more things. With the cat out of the bag with my family, they were going to hold me accountable and distance themselves if I was using. There was a large change in my group of friends. I had to leave many behind, yet I could make new friends that were more in line with the life that I wanted to lead. The thoughts of needing to change almost every aspect of my life was overwhelming. I needed that external structure and accountability to be there while I made those changes to my life. Like most alcoholics, I don't do change all that well. It was a lot at once. Obviously, I got there.

A few years in, I really was happy with this whole recovery thing. Physically I felt better than I ever had. I was working a good job. My finances were starting to come back into order. I had new friends that were supportive. I wanted to be able to do for others what the recovery community had done for me. So, like many people I went to grad school with, I decided that I was going to go back to be a counselor. Two weeks after my 2nd anniversary, I was back in school. In hindsight, I wish I would have waited until I hit the 5 year marker to make that decision. After being drunk for 18 years, two years of recovery is not a great deal of time. I was still in that "pink cloud" of recovery. Everything was great! Everything was wonderful! Let me be the support for the world!

Well, it was a hard lesson. I find myself battling back and forth with regret about that path. Regret is supremely unhelpful. I can't do anything about it. I can't change it. So why get stuck there? Because the experience was intense and likely changed me in both good and bad ways. I learned that working with people like me is exhausting, intense, and worthwhile. I found part of my job that fed my soul. I met incredible people with whom I remain in contact. What I regret is what happened to my confidence and the outlook on life. I became cynical and mean at times (never toward clients, but I found places to vent that frustration). I could barely get out of bed. I called in all the time. My anxiety and depression were at the highest I had experienced in sobriety. Ever. It scared me more than anything. I was well over 5 years of recovery at that point and everything got shaken to the core.

For those of you that followed by blog from 2018-2020, I discussed a lot about whether it was the work environment or it was the field I was in. I think the answer really is, both. I wasn't emotionally ready to do what I was doing. The environment was extremely intense with an administration structure that was unhelpful for me. For my recovery and mental health, it was time to move on. 

I am back in nursing now. I like it here. I feel confident here. I know what I am doing and if I don't, I know where to find help. I am working with individual clients in their home. I love it. I started homecare because it was flexible when I was in school. I didn't leave when I graduated. I also started in the education department in the hospital system I have been with for 13 years. I know that I could earn more money doing travelling nursing or whatever. However, I have never been this stress-free as far as my employment goes. I work a lot of hours and that is my choice to do so. Since I like what I do, it doesn't seem like "too much". I have chased money before and not once has it ever brought me happiness. In fact, at the end of my time in counseling, I felt like I had "golden handcuffs". I had such good benefits and pay that I couldn't take any sort of pay cut to afford how I was living. Well, I have been in this situation before, I can shave my budget down. And I did.

I have not given up working in recovery all together. Now that I have returned to nursing, I feel like I can see a vision a little clearer. As I start my 5th degree (I know.....it's a lot), I can see the end game now. I want to work in a college or university and teach behavioral health nursing. It is an area of nursing that I understand very well and, added bonus, I know how to teach people to talk with people. Whoop! Whoop! 

So, Happy Recovery Month 2022!
Thanks for reading!
​Julie