Why Didn't I Relapse

​I have had a few close friends ask me if I had relapsed since I seemed to have a couple of major issues going on in the past several months. I started thinking, hmmmm, why didn't I relapse. Not because I want to....just curious about why my mind didn't go down this path. My first thought "WHO CARES?? I didn't!". I just wanted to spend a little time dissecting something that went very right for a change!


There are times that I fantasize about alcohol playing a different role in my life - mainly a positive role.  I think maybe some day I could have the "glory" days back. However, I have really come to terms and maybe really accept that this will never be possible. Maybe even down deeper I know that I never really had any glory days with alcohol. I thought I enjoyed my time but in reality, the situation was far different. If I were to pick up a drink right now, the only feelings that come to mind are shame, guilt, annoyance, failure, sadness and hopelessness. I am not thinking that I would feel better, it would lift my spirits, etc. No matter how bad I felt in the past 2 months, taking a sip would feel 1,000x worse.


I had some really vivid using dreams about 3 weeks back. I woke up in a panic and feeling ashamed. Even in my dreams I wasn't having fun. Maybe these feelings and dreams are my subconscious battling it out while I get my beauty sleep. But even here now, I feel like my sober mind has control of the situation. If my addict mind were winning, I would wake up thinking, dang I was having some fun, let me try to relive that dream in reality and see what happens.


I am saddened that my school is on hold for the semester. If I drank, I would be out for 2 years. In MN the law states that drug and alcohol counselors must be free from substance abuse issued for 2 years or more. In the event of a relapse, the clock starts over and I would not be able to practice or attend school to practice for 2 years. My addict mind thought at times, well no one would need to know about it right? Well, I suppose but I have been trying to be honest in my daily activities and I think I would be so guilty and remorseful if I didn't turn myself in. Additionally, I still have my current career in which the public is entitled to a sober, competent nurse. I spend many years not being at my best and I had to claw my way out of the trenches to get here. Was that battle for nothing? Was I just faking it? Did I not mean what I said? A drink just isn't worth it.


I felt so depressed when my medications were not working correctly. When I was studying about the biology of addiction, I learned that the way the chemical interact with the brain create anxiety and depression. If I drank, I would feel more anxious and depressed AND feel guilty and hopeless and annoyed and worthless AND not have the opportunity to be a stimulating environment of school or work that make me happy. Nope, not desire to run down that road again. While I had indicated that I was having some suicidal ideation with the medication change, I was feeling perplexed by the thoughts since I am not interested in hurting myself or others. I am not interested in ending my life. I got things to do and places to be. If I introduce alcohol here, I would no longer be confused, I would starting planning the next steps. Again, this is not proving to be a reason to relapse.


I graduated after 33 months of intense monitoring from the nursing board. I am FREE! I can do whatever I want, right? I did my time. (Quite frankly, all I really want is a lemon poppy seed muffin....) I feared the day of my completion. In my mind, the only thing keeping me sober was this accountability. Right? Well, apparently not, it's been 10 days and there have been no trips to the local liquor store or the local bar. If I took that first drink, I would be obligated to report myself and go through the program all over again. That is what I would look forward to now that I am "free"....Yeah, I did my time and for that I am grateful. My new inspired goal is to never have to enroll again. Not drinking is pretty helpful there.


So, why else didn't I relapse? I don't drink because I love my niece, nephew and my whole immediately family. I want them to be proud of the life I am leading. I want to be a role model and I want to be there with them and for them. I don't drink because I don't want to feel lonely again. I like spending time alone but I am by no means lonely. I have a cell phone full of numbers and group of loving friends. I don't drink because I don't want to be sick and tired all the time. No doubt I am tired, but I am always tired. When I was drinking I was to the point of sleeping at my desk, unable to keep my eyes open with a throbbing headache. Yeah, that was no fun.


Most importantly, I don't drink anymore because my life depends on it. Since I am addicted to alcohol, I will never start back at the beginning. When addicts relapse, we manage to down further and faster than ever. I will die from alcohol if I drink again. I will either die from an overdose, an alcohol-induce psychosis that will lead to my death or some other unfortunate scenario of liver disease or drunk driving. Is any of this worth trying to decide if I can have my glory days back?


Back in the day, I feared accepting some of these facts. "It's so extreme....I am different....I make better decisions....." Nope. I have the disease of alcoholism. I am currently in full remission but I am still chemically dependent. I will remain in full remission as long as I do not pick up that first drink. That is my job and I did my job when the going got tough. I am proud that drinking never crossed my mind and I am even prouder that I can write this entry about why. Some days it's just as important to why things are working. It's working because I am making a daily commitment to my sobriety. The decision has become automatic in the morning. What more could I ask for?


Peace out!
J