Grief

Photo by Mike Labrum on Unsplash

I have really been struggling with writer's block for the past few months. I have probably started at least 20 different entries and just stopped a few paragraphs in, feeling lost about what I really wanted or needed to say. I am not usually a person short of words. However, at the moment, it feels like the cat has my tongue. As I was driving to work tonight, I felt compelled to speak a bit more about grief. It seems like the topic that is creating my writer's block, and hopefully, I can tell you why.

I completed my mental health nursing course for the quarter along with the clinical placement. I believe I was feeling a little triggered by both of these classes. I remember this happening when I was taking my graduate classes as well. Because mental health and addictions are so personal to me, it's difficult for me not to take things so personally or to back up and look at things from a clinician's perspective. It was a much-improved experience this time around. When I was in LPN school, we had a guy in my clinical setting that refused to believe that mental health existed. He felt that everyone was acting, being lazy, or just being stupid. A good friend of mine spoke about her experiences, and he was insulting with his response. I took that class and clinical back in 2003. Fast forward 18 years, and there is a great deal more understanding and compassion about mental health and more about addiction.

Being triggered isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, that is what I spent the first five years of my recovery figuring out. What are my triggers? Once I know them, how do I deal with them? As I am coming up on 11 years of recovery in August, I would have to say my work and investment in this topic were worthwhile. I can still be surprised from time to time about things that trigger me. I really wasn't expecting this class to be an issue. I think it has more to do with the timing. Had I took this last quarter as planned, I don't think it would have affected me the way it did this quarter. Why you ask? Loss. Grief. 

One of the topics that we covered was about grief and loss. Apparently, we are predictable to a certain point. There are stages of grieving, and specific behaviors indicate the stage of grief someone is in. It is fluid. A person can go back and forth between the phases. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Seems pretty simple, right? "I can't or won't believe it." Then, "I am super mad about it, and someone or something needs to be held accountable." Moving on to "Well, if I can get something to change, I will change or give up something." Well, that didn't work, so we move onto "My life will never go on. I can't do this. I am too upset to function." Lastly, we accept the world as it is now. We may never stop feeling sadness or anger; however, we know that whatever we are grieving is now gone, and we will need to find a different way through life.

The year 2021 has been full of some very tragic losses. When I heard about what had happened to these individuals, my heart broke for the families, children, parents, siblings, friends, and colleagues. Because mental health and addiction played a role in some of these losses, I feel compelled to say something. But, I can't find the words or the right topic. Do I talk about mental health? Do I talk about addiction? Do I talk about grief? Will I be offending others by talking about what I know about these issues? Is my experience even relevant? How arrogant am I that my experience is even remotely close? As I was writing my other 20 entries, I started to ask these questions and got lost. I closed the post down and ultimately erased it.  

Here's what I know. Mental health is challenging. Addiction sucks. When I hear about the deaths of people I know related to either of these issues, I go through the stages of grief. I sort of stop in the depression place. Initially, I was in a bit of denial. There was just no way. I moved onto anger pretty quickly. Losses related to mental health and addiction make my blood boil. I know that dark, empty place of depression. I know what trauma feels like. I know the battle with alcohol and drugs. I feel this renewed desire to start counseling again. That was my motivation for going into it: To spare people this pain. At least from my vantage point, addiction and mental illness are painful at times. It takes a lot of work to find remission and stay in recovery. What about my brothers and sisters that didn't make it? I feel guilty. How did I make it through when the people who succumb to either felt stronger than me (from my perspective)? Although I understand some of it, I don't know how each individual is experiencing mental illness and addiction. If these were so easy to predict, we would be able to provide treatment that has more success rate than 50%. 

I think what it comes down to: I feel helpless with these most recent losses. I don't want to bury another friend. I don't want an amazing family I know to suffer this kind of loss. Was there something more I could have done? Is there something I could say or do now to make things better? Obviously, I have a lot of questions. And very few answers. These types of answers get into a more philosophical realm that will likely not provide much solace. So, I am feeling kinda stuck in this depression place of grief. I don't deny the losses or what contributed to the losses. I am done being angry at alcohol and stigma for the time being. That anger serves no purpose. I don't really bargain much because I just can't in this scenario. So, I am sad about these losses. I am sad for all of those who are closest to these individuals. I am sad that these individuals suffered the way they did. 

While acceptance isn't possible today, maybe acceptance will come as the days move forward. I know those who are experiencing the most grief are learning how life works now. It will never be the same. I wish it could be for them. I keep the family and friends in my heart, praying everyday for healing and comfort for them. I guess at the moment, that is what I can offer.

So, thank you all for hanging with me on this post. I am not sure that it makes sense, but I need to start writing again and I think getting some of this stuff out will help me to start moving forward again. 

​J