Next Steps

Photo by Sebin Thomas on Unsplash

It feels good to be writing again. I guess I need to be more aware that there is a therapeutic value to this process. I started my blog almost 10 years ago now. I wanted to share what it was like getting sober. It was challenging and exciting all at the same time. I was feeling motivated to share my story and my experiences with the world to hope that those suffering from addiction might feel like they are worth it too.

​In August, I will be celebrating 11 years of recovery. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I was ever going to get that far. I remember for the first 2 years, I would say, “please just let me know where I am in 5 years. If I am still sober, then I know this was all worth it.” Getting to five years was huge, and I was so excited. I couldn’t believe it. And, all of those tough times were VERY worth staying in recovery for. Most of the time, those hard times were not as tumultuous as being an active user. I didn’t feel that way at the time; however, as I got through those toughs days and learned that I could get through them, the pain of the feelings started to fade in intensity.

The following five years of recovery have been quite interesting. There were only a handful of times when I thought about really going back to drinking. I was always able to remind myself that I definitely have another drunk in me, just not sure that I have another recovery. For how far I had progressed in my using years, my death would be quick and very painful. Not only that, but also I had become a fierce advocate for recovery. I wouldn’t want my legacy to be that I died from a relapse on alcohol. Maybe that is a little selfish, but I have to say, whatever works to keep the “plug in the jug,” as we say in AA.

I think recovery changes over time. The initial years were basically learning how to function. I needed to learn how to socialize without alcohol. I needed to learn to communicate without alcohol. I needed to learn how to deal with emotions and thoughts in a reasonable manner. I needed to relearn how to live life. It was certainly a challenge. I, now, can’t see how I was living the way I was. I rarely ever feel like I am missing out on something because I am not drinking. I have chosen to not partake in some situations now and again. However, I was protected that which I hold most dear, which is my recovery. So whatever I missed? It’s A-OK with me that I did.

Once I got a handle on living life in a new way, I rode this wave of motivation to save the world from addiction! It was a decent thought, and I know I was not the only one who was feeling this way when we started studying to be addictions counselors. What I can say is that I was so incredibly grateful for my own recovery. I wanted to help other people find theirs if they were looking for it. Much like when I started nursing, there were all these ideas of what I would be able to accomplish. And, much like nursing, we can only do what we can do. We can’t force help on people. We can’t want something for them that they don’t want. I used to call it “Super Nurse Syndrome” when new nurses believed that they were the only ones capable of taking care of our patients. I had it for about a year and realized quickly that it’s a team effort. I don’t work 24 hours a day, and yet people are still alive when I return.

When it came to counseling, I thought I would have a better check on that syndrome. I did to a degree. I tried hard to remember that if I took credit for people’s successes, then I would have to take credit for the lapses and failures. It wasn’t my journey, after all. I was just a guide of sorts. I never quite learned out to fit that into the work I was doing. I can distance myself from nursing. I couldn’t distance myself enough in counseling. It nearly drove me crazy. I was despondent for that on a lot of levels. I had hoped for more out of the experience. I made some fantastic friends throughout my days in the field. I learned a lot about myself and the recovery process. I also know that my mental health is more than just about self-care. It’s about doing something I feel go at and productive at. I never got to feel that way with counseling.

As I came back to the nursing world, I jumped back into what kind of drove me nuts about myself in nursing. Frequently changing jobs. Since leaving counseling, I have had three jobs in about 18 months. Two of the situations were really unavoidable changes, in my opinion. It was for my safety and my scheduling needs that I needed to move on. All legitimate reasons. I keep trying to remind myself that when I was nursing while using, I was transferring jobs because I was close to being caught for drinking. I was also not doing such a great job, so before I could be confronted, I would leave. One job I got laid off from, which wasn’t my fault. They hired me thinking they were going to get a huge contract, and that contract never came through.

It makes me nervous as I am about to finish school about what my next steps are. I have less than 6 months of school, and I plan to take the boards immediately after I graduate. I have some ideas, and being in school has definitely spurred some old passions I had in my earlier career. I still think about continuing on for additional education so that I might be able to teach someday. I feel very drawn to that. As I look forward to the next level of my nursing career, whatever that may be, I feel like my recovery remains in a more vital place coming up on year 11. Since my mental and chemical health is so intertwined, I renew my efforts to focus on my mental health to ensure my chemical health.

I am an emotional person. I am a sensitive person. I am empathic to a fault. My compassion for others can drain all of my energy. As I look toward this next step, I want to be mindful of what I chose to do. I am always attracted to highly emotional positions. I live for the high of the great times and struggle with what to do with the low times. I wonder what the right path will be for me. I remain hopeful it will be more evident to me over the following months. I know that all of this work will be worth it. It always has been, even if the result wasn’t exactly what I expected.