Comparison

Photo by Vanesa Giaconi on Unsplash

I had a rough couple of weeks in terms of getting stuck on my own head. It is probably one of the most annoying things I can do to myself when a bit of depression hits. I remember having all of these super deep philosophical debates when I was in college with friends. I loved doing that! When it is me against me, though? Not so much. Down the rabbit hole, we shall go.....

There are always going to be times when I experience distorted thoughts, grief, loss, or depression. When I am struggling, sometimes I feel well enough to start using some skills to take care of myself. At other times, I just don't want to do anything. When I look at all the skills that I learned over the years, one of the most challenging was "COMPARISION." This skill comes out of the DBT world and is pretty specific in its application. I can tell you that I used it incorrectly in the past few weeks, and it got me nowhere. 

Comparing is what I think drives many people into a depressive state. Facebook would be my #1 example of causing significant distress in life if we don't carefully watch. I could look at the people who got married and started families and somehow coin myself a failure. I can look at where my high school, college, and graduate friends are now and think, "at least they have it together to be working in the field," or feeling like they have a better job. I taught most of my clients during my years of counseling about social media in general. It's not real. It is highly edited and photoshopped with gross omissions of the real story. As long as I can keep this frame of mind in place when I am looking, I generally am OK with social media. I can tell; however, there are times when I have been on too long.

After experiencing loss, I think it is natural to question things. On a semi-conscious level, I was taking down the list of good and bad things that have happened over the years. I started getting stuck about the way I have gone about things. I have been all over the place with my career. I have had difficulties with maintaining a consistent work history. It seems that I can only stick with something for about 5 years before I get restless again. While I can understand that none of this is necessarily bad, when I am in a more fragile state, that's all I can think about. The million "what if's" that could have taken life in a different direction. What if I hadn't gone out of state for school? What if I had majored in something else? What if I hadn't gotten married? What if I had been able to get sober sooner? This, unfortunately, is where comparing things gets me. The grass is greener on the other side. Then I get there, and I don't think it is all that green. Where's the next spot?

Comparing is supposed to be used in a totally different way as a skill to combat negative thinking patterns and depression. Comparing is not saying my experience is better or worse than anyone. For example: "I should just suck this up because children are starving everywhere, and at least you have a roof over your head and food." While that is true, I am certainly not going to be in a mood to do something about child hunger if I am constantly belittling my own experiences. It's not about right or wrong or too much or too little. Comparing is used to say things like, "I am doing better today than I was yesterday." "I put more effort into doing something this time around than the last time I was experiencing a downturn in mood." "12 years ago, I was not sober; today I am." It's more of an internal comparison. Any other use of it can be dangerous. And, comparing might not be the skill ever for some people. When comparing, it seems to be easier to compare the negative aspects of my reality and situation than it is to say, hey, one little thing IS better today. You ARE going to get better, little by little.

I got stuck in my head. Pretty significantly. I write this not to shame myself; instead, chalk up another lesson in the Julie Depression Episode Guidebook. In my early years of recovery, I learned that one of the foundational pieces to the recovery base is getting out of one's own head. That is why we do services. That is why we come together to talk to each other, whether it is about recovery or not. That is why we preach unity to hold each other up when those times become more intense. I think most addicts and alcoholics will tell you that being in their heads is a perilous place. All the reasons I need/have to relapse are right there. Self-esteem takes a hit because I have 1,200 reasons to give you on why I am not a good person or worthy of a bit of grace or forgiveness. Low self-esteem turned into the Regret Game, as I like to call it. The shoulda, woulda, coulda scenarios that will drive most people mad. That tumbles into seeking out more regrets about the path that life took. 

When I am in a better headspace, like now, I can easily see that going down that rabbit hole was never going to fix anything. I am now feeling like everything I have ever done has served a purpose, and it was meant to be. When my mood starts to decline, all of this can get easily tossed out the window. I did meet with my therapist, and he commented that I was truly stuck in my head. And that happens. And that is OK if I am willing to at least see that is what's going on. The answer is often much simpler for me than I have some new raging disorder that has rendered me non-functional. At the base of most of it is self-esteem. When I start to question things or start to lose passion in something, I start to compare. I start to second guess myself. I start listing out the reasons that I don't deserve what I have worked for. Part of that, in my opinion, is my addiction brain just testing the waters to see if there is a shot. Fortunately, I am coming up on 11 years of recovery soon, and I remain steadfast in pushing that temptation back. The next phase, I guess, is to learn not to firebomb my self-esteem instead. 

I think I came upon a perfect storm of complex feelings, justifiable sadness, and grief, along with the general stress of starting a new job, doing school, and working 2 jobs. I have to say I am pretty proud of coming around faster than I usually do. I was able to focus on some things that I could change and started turning myself toward the future instead of staring at the past I can't change. As weird as it feels, I did start saying a few nice things to myself. I do understand the power of my words.

Thanks to everyone that checked in on me. I have a few weeks of break from school now. I am working a lot; however, with the intention of socking away some money, so I don't have to work so much with this upcoming quarter. I am down to two quarters left to get this elusive RN done. I hope to take the boards ASAP when I am done and see what the future holds. As always, I have a lot of ideas.

Keep taking care of yourself and each other.
​J