Distorted Thoughts

When you think about it, we really don't have much choice other than to move forward in life. Time is always moving forward whether or not we want it to. There are times when I got stuck in the past or stuck in place; yet, time continued to move forward with or without me. The more time got ahead of me, the more miserable life seemed to be. I experienced this concept very clearly when I returned home from studying abroad for a year. I wanted life to be right where I left it - my friends, my life. I was shocked, saddened, and angry that life had moved entirely forward without me. I spent a year missing everything at home, only to find out that people still lived their lives and moved forward while I was gone. It was a concept that was profoundly changing for me. 

In my years of active use, I would become increasingly upset at the notion of life moving on while I was sitting at home doing nothing. I think I even had a therapist tell me at one point that I was the one that wasn't living life. There was no reason to carry all these resentments about other people moving on when I was not choosing to move forward with my own life. Very true, I agree. Also, moving forward with life doesn't seem as easy as it sounds. The first complexity is: How? How do I move forward? I clearly remember what I felt to be my biggest obstacle was financial. Money makes the world go around. How can I rebuild the life I want if I don't have any money? The other part of "how" is knowing what to do. How do I live life now? Does life actually have to change? Do I substitute what I lost, or do I learn to live without it? 

The second complexity, for me anyway, is feeling like I deserve to move forward. Because there are things I have clearly done wrong and people I have genuinely hurt, I feel a need to punish myself for a long time. Part of that punishment is keeping myself from being happy and content. I am not always convinced that I do that consciously. It has been a pattern that I have noticed more in the past few years. The pattern has been there for a long time; I am just coming into some level of awareness about it. I have been told, by more than one person, that the biggest challenge in my life is me. I was told this in a very blunt way in 2016. While I felt it was true, I didn't know (and still don't know) how to get out of my own way. Well, it is coming into clearer focus. It's this whole conundrum of whether I "get to" or "should"' move forward. Have I punished myself sufficiently yet for the past? Have I felt enough guilt? The biggest question: If I do move on from my mistakes and harm to others, does that mean I am no longer taking responsibility for my actions? Let me see if I can explain this concept a little better.

I feel horrible about situation A. Situation A happened over 10 years ago. If I let it go, I feel like I am taking the easy way out. I am just letting myself get away with bad behavior and bad actions. Oddly, if a friend or family member was explaining this exact situation, I would say, "Oh boy! You have suffered enough. The only way you would be taking the easy way out is if you didn't change your behavior or learn what you needed to learn!" I can't seem to grant myself the same opportunity/advice. That whole "letting go" part of recovery can be a challenge for me. In quiet times, I will have a memory of a time when I did something entirely stupid. Instead of maybe just saying, "Hey, brain, that happened a long time ago," I will get stuck jumping back to that time and experiencing the embarrassment or shame all over again for probably the 10,000th time. At times I wonder if the people who were involved in that situation even remember it. If they do, do they think about it as much as I do? 

At this point, I will experience my black and white thinking. For some reason, I developed this belief that once someone does wrong by another person, that is it. No forgiveness. Banishment for life. I was very quick to do with other's who I felt had wronged me. One mistake or bad day, my perception of them would change, and I didn't want anything to do with them anymore. I have lost a lot of relationships over the years for reasonably minor things. All of that was me. Because I reacted like this, I assume that others function this way. Therefore, there is no forgiveness for me. Nothing more moving forward. I feared that my mistake or error would forever alter the way people thought of me, and I would no longer be likable. 

I have spent lots of time trying to understand this pattern and break this belief of mine. I have no idea where I picked it up. It wasn't from my family because I did enough stupid things over the years, and they are still all talking to me. In fact, they all love me. I have had a few very close friends who have confronted me on things, accepted my apology, and still love me too. Yet, in the back of my mind, I question why they don't think of me as different or in a worse light? When push comes to shove, I don't like feeling like an idiot. I mean, really, who does? But, therein lies the problem: a mistake = I'm an idiot. That can't be accurate every single time I do something incorrectly.

I started a new job in May. I hate starting new jobs because I am not perfect at what I am doing out of the gates. Every job has a learning curve. I know that, but I hate it. The transition to this job was one of my rougher experiences, which is odd because I also picked up things quickly. I would absolutely lose my mind when I would make small errors (nothing life-threatening, of course). I found myself beating myself up and thinking, "this person thinks I am an idiot." I started getting myself so worried that I didn't even want to go to work. I did. But, I was anxious on my way in. Here is the kicker: none of the people I am working with right now care. They know that I am pretty new and don't know everything after a shift or two. They are all OK with walking me through tasks. What the heck is wrong with me?

I have distorted thinking. Let's be real; everyone has distorted thinking at times. My therapist tries to keep me more present when we talk about stuff like this. I tend to either want to have a diagnosis for why I feel so reactive and negative or want to know why the hell I think this way. A diagnosis is not going to change anything. What if it was called "Reactive Dysmorphic Syndrome"? Does that change anything? What if I could pinpoint that in 3rd grade at 12:32 pm this concept entered my mind because of a kickball incident. Does that change anything? No. What matters is I have developed this belief of "no forgiveness" or "no mercy" at some point. This same belief is causing me issues with developing the relationships I want. This belief is very strongly present right now. It is making an anxious mood wander into a more depressive territory.

What I took from therapy this week was a frank discussion about chronic low self-esteem. I am able to identify about 30% of the good things about myself and 150% of what is "wrong" with me. During my career years of counseling, my self-esteem took a hit. A huge hit, actually. I had hoped that once I left the field, this self-esteem stuff would fade away. It has to a certain extent. I don't feel like I am faking it when I am working in nursing. Either I know it, or I don't. School is showing I know my stuff. I didn't use to have a lot of negative thoughts about myself as a nurse. Now I do, and I don't know what happened. My distorted thinking has wandered into my professional life as a nurse. When I was getting sober, nursing was the only thing I had that I was still reasonably decent at. I was not a good daughter, I was not a good sister, I was not a good friend, I was not a good girlfriend, etc., etc. But, I was still an OK nurse. From 2015-2020, I was working transplant, and while I had frustrations at times, in general, I felt pretty damn competent. In fact, transplant was the only thing I felt good about for a long time.

The environment during my counseling years is obviously still with me. Maybe I have just become so accustomed to feeling bad about my work performance that I am creating a place in my brain to keep it alive. This idea that I need to suffer, whether for personal or professional reasons, is super frustrating. It's me standing in my own way about some expectation of repentance I can't achieve or won't let myself achieve. So back to, did I suffer enough? Did I beat myself up enough? Will people cast me aside for minor concerns? Yes. Yes. No. Intellectually I get this all 100%. My emotions are a little more stubborn. I can say that I am grateful to see the pattern and to see the thought distortions. I have done a lot of this work in the past around thought distortions. It's hard work and apparently also never done. Now that school is done for the quarter, I will be spending some time to see if I can get my thought process to reflect reality more accurately. 

I feel ready, though, to move forward and hopefully get out of my own way. I am feeling ready for some things to change right now. I am starting to get tired of spending all of this energy on things that don't really matter right now or in the bigger picture. I want to enjoy life more than I am allowing myself to right now. 

Give yourself a break today, for me, OK?
​Julie