Defeat

I wrote about being emotionally literate a few weeks ago. I am still on this topic in my mind. This past week, it became even more evident to me how essential understanding feelings and emotions can help me change my mood. After leaving my job, I was experiencing all sorts of feelings - sadness as there was a lot of people and things I like about that job, fear because what transpired to facilitate my departure was very scary to me, guilt for leaving my co-workers behind so suddenly, and frustration/anger at hearing what people were saying about me as a nurse without ever having a direct conversation with me about these events. 

While those feelings seemed to encompass everything that I was feeling, I still felt like there was something that I wasn’t addressing. I talked with various individuals who were incredibly supportive of my decisions and my actions. I worked through some DBT skills to keep my emotions in check and calm myself when fear got triggered in situations where it didn’t belong. I allowed myself to be angry and frustrated, knowing that these feelings were justified. So, why didn’t I feel any better? I was probably the nicest I had been to myself for a long time!! It dawned on me that I might be missing something.

I make no secret that I see a therapist. Right now, I see him every couple of weeks to once a month, depending on life circumstances. Some appointments, I am just checking in. Here’s what happened; here are the things that went well and not so well. Other times, I have a particular issue that I am seeking feedback on. And yet at different times, I come in with a whole load of stuff that I needed to give away. I forewarned my therapist about the events of the past couple of weeks. For one, I was indeed in fear, and it triggered a super irrational fear that I have held for years. It was starting to impact my daily life (I will write about this some other time). So, I plopped down on my favorite part of the couch and laid it all out there on Saturday. He was as speechless as others I have talked to have been. He offered support and validation that I was not incorrect and what others had to say about me was not necessarily accurate. I am entitled to my own feelings and perceptions.

Where things really took off for me was him asking me what I felt when I was alone at home. Was it fear, anxiety, depression, defeat? Oh, that word defeat. Yes! That was the feeling that I missed. I felt defeated. I told him that I thought this same way when things started to fall apart at the county. I was trying my most challenging, yet there were times when I was actively sabotaged or wholly ignored. My feelings about the situation were disregarded or downplayed. I vowed not to let myself get into this situation again. I think that was a tall order since I wasn’t in this situation a month ago. Everything changed over the past six weeks. While most of those changes were helpful, the last series of changes were detrimental to me. I was feeling defeated this week, asking myself, “why?”. Is there something wrong with me that makes it impossible for me to succeed at working at places long-term? Not necessarily, while I am by no means perfect, I also hold my integrity very tight, and the limitations of that integrity are firm. If I have to protect that which is of importance to me, I have to go. Some positions are more successful for me than others. This most recent position was quite successful until decisions were made that I had no control over. My protests went unacknowledged. I was told how I felt by people who were not present. The only person who gets to tell me how I feel is my therapist, and I pay him to do that!

So, why was a defeat so essential to recognize as a feeling. Simply, I know what I need to do to make myself feel better. Do something that makes me feel productive and worthwhile. For the first time in 18 months, I finally started painting and working on several projects that go abandoned so long ago. You have no idea how much installing a doorknob makes me feel empowered. I can also see the results of my work instantly. I am doing things I have never done before. All of the decisions are mine, and I get to do what I want! In the matter of 20 minutes at Menard’s, picking up some primer, I was already on my way to defeating the defeat in my life. Just like that, my mood has shifted to a different place that is much more tolerable than an absolute lack of desire to get out of bed.

Defeat is a powerful emotion for me. It lurks under the surface a lot of the time. Defeat will slowly undermine my self-confidence to the point of no longer feeling capable of making a decision. I let that feeling of defeat consume my life for over a year before I changed jobs. Nothing I could do was good enough. I was exhausted at playing the game of politics.  And, let’s no forget, the synonym to defeat…..failure. When the feeling of defeat isn’t addressed immediately, it will turn into thoughts of failure. I take my therapy time very seriously. I am not perfect, and there are things that I would like to change about myself. Other times, like now, I need someone outside of my experience to help me identify what I am feeling and how to move forward. And we did just that.

​So, after a pretty rough week, I am feeling back in the game. I passed my first quiz in pharmacology with 100%. I did all my homework on time. I got out on Saturday to be a part of life with my family. I am grateful for the significant shift in mood as I look to start my job search again. There is no shortage of nursing jobs out there. It is nice to have the opportunity to be selective.  
   
Thank you all for the support! Let’s get rid of defeat in our lives!