My Enemy Should Be Your Enemy...Or??

Super Cool....this last blog has really generated some very interesting conversations both on and offline about my topic of choice. I think I have even a clearer position on this whole ordeal. So, I have found people who have lost significant amounts of weight who make "carbs" or "sugar" the enemy. Ever heard a recovering alcoholic make alcohol the enemy? (If you have ever read this blog, than the answer is YES.) I have had relationships that felt like addictions in which I made the other person the enemy as well. How could this person possibly have any friends? I can stand up here in my alcohol-free world and tell you the horrors of alcohol just as a newly skinny person can tell me the sugar in my cheesecake is going straight to my hips. It's easy to sit on the other side and not understand why the person across the table doesn't see that my enemy should be their enemy too.

There were clearly two camps with regards to my argument in the last blog. First the "DAMN STRAIGHT - you stay away from alcohol and don't do anything that would put recovery at risk" folks. Then there were the "UMMM - you are never going to be able to do anything if someone around can't have a beer. You have the problem, not me..." people. I eluded to this in my previous entry as well. My world can get really small if I am only allowing myself to partake in certain activities. I have really wanted to go to a ballgame, but I used to drink at those so I have said no to invitations for that. I got invited to a football game, didn't want to go to that either because what if the people around me are drinking. My favorite band is in town, but I am not allowing myself that opportunity. Guess what this reminds me folks? Trying to live my life drinking all the time. I wouldn't go to any function in which I couldn't get wasted. In both cases, I am sitting at home, feeling a little sorry for myself that I "can't" participate in any of this.

Fear is getting the better of me here. I went out to dinner on Wednesday in which my guest ordered a beer. I ordered a diet soda and we talked for 3 hours straight. Was that beer on the table a distraction to me? No. Did I jump across the table to try to drink it? No. Someone spilled a beer in the elevator, did I jump to the ground and try to lick it up? No. This behavior is exactly what I am expecting of myself. Or I am assuming I am weak enough in my own recovery to not to be able to handle that. Well, guess what, I did. Not everyone in the world approached the alcohol the way I do. I just don't believe that I can exclude myself from so many experiences because of my problem. Being in recovery is about learning a new way to live without my substance of choice. I think it would be fun to go to a baseball game. I am thinking that I am totally capable of doing that. Who cares if the guy down the way is having a beer? My diet pop will be just fine, thank you very much.

I realized in going out on Wednesday that I was starting to shut down my world so much more than I really needed to. I still need to exercise some caution, no doubt. However, there is no need to make my scope so narrow because alcohol may or may not be present. The whole discussion in my last blog and this one were basically affirmed on Wednesday. I had this conversation with my date. He was also in agreement with me about creating a small world for myself or creating such a strict environment that I may act out with a sense of rebellion because I am quarantined to certain activities. I did share that my real issue with the whole deal is that I just miss being able to drink. For the most part, it is becoming a perfect way to throw myself a pity party. No wonder many of my evenings are spend alone. I was trying to live by a ridge set of rules. I couldn't even come up with any ideas of what to do other than clean my house and watch TV. Oddly, that was exactly the agenda when I was drinking.

I have really learned a lot in the past two weeks. I am going to be making the effort to reintroduce myself to some activities I have put on the "DO NOT DO" list. Not sure what that will exactly be at this moment. I am so dang busy with life right now, I may need to wait until the break to explore. In the meanwhile, I will continue to working on gaining more confidence in myself. I think I have denied myself a lot of credit. I have started to let fear be the guiding force. Remember what GI JOE used to say in our Saturday morning cartoons? "Knowing is half the battle...."

Peace peep....J