I Am Intolerant of Normal Drinkers

Oh boy, I tell ya, I never have a dull minute in this recovery process. So, I started my internship today and I adore it. We started our group by reading the 24 Hours A Day reading for September 4th. I believe the message was more about relying on a Higher Power to keep myself calm in most situations. Interesting, it talked about not becoming intolerant of people who do drink can drink normally. A few in the group were able to be more honest than I initially was being with myself about this piece of the reflection. Am I intolerant of my friends and family who can drink normally?

In short, that answer is a big fat YES. Now I know how my ex-husband felt when he would see that I had been drinking all day when he got home. He was intolerant of my drinking. I was fine with it. Now, I get annoyed when people pull out that bottle of wine for dinner. My God! Don't they know I am an alcoholic! I hate alcohol now! Get it away! Well, that is something I would hope that I believe but it really isn't. What I really mean is "I love alcohol, I miss it and I am jealous that you get to have it and I don't." So, my jealousy evolves into a resentment and my resentment turns into intolerance. More dangerously, it puts me in the position of being the victim. Danger! Danger!

Interestingly, I have smoked around people who have quit. I have no problem smoking. I admire the fact that they quit. (I am in a harm reduction phase in regards to this....2 cigarettes a day....getting there.) Anyway, people were tolerant of my drinking and I should be tolerant of their drinking too. I think the world starts to get very small for me when it comes to alcohol. I don't (I am 150% serious here), I don't know HOW you can just have a few sips of beer and then walk away. It's a travesty! It's a waste, hurry up with that glass of wine, it's time to order another. Since this is my personal view on this topic, I just assume the world around me feels the same way. Well, the fact of the matter is a majority of alcohol users are not abusers and addicts. Why should people have to act "special" around me because I am really mad I can't any???

I think I have successfully avoided all situations in the past 3 or years to not be around alcohol. On one level, I believe if it is around, I will just drink, I have no self-control. Hence, my house is alcohol free. My sister has beer at her house. I seem to be fine around that. So, what am I so afraid of?? It took me so damn long to get control over this disease, I am terrify my secret desire to partake in alcohol will override my ability not to do so. In the meantime, I think I have almost created a phobia for myself. I am completely terrified of being around alcohol at all. I don't think I have to be. I think my sober self is much stronger than that now. While I may want or desire a sip, I know better, I can't. I have created my own intolerance of uncomfortable feelings. That's what got me into addiction in the first place.....

The end of the reading of the day reminded me that I cannot be intolerant which is interesting time given my new extracurricular activity of dating. My profile is very aggressive about the non-alcohol piece. "I do not drink alcohol and I do not like to be around it....I don't want to be your sober cab and life cannot revolve around alcohol....if you social life is bars and dance clubs, I am not for you." I am starting to wonder to what extent I have scared away relatively normal people. I believe I do need to be honest, but should I be showing such an aggressiveness toward those who really do "socially" drink. My dating site seems to think I am intolerant and told me as much. "Consider changing your preferences to include 'social' drinking in order to attract more matches." I have been generally giving this the finger every time I read it. I want someone who doesn't drink. At all. I want them to do what I want them to do. What about people who drink 2 times per year? Could I not be around them? 2 days out of 365? Really? Who is intolerant? ME. And I guess today I realized it.

So, what to do, what to do? Is there anything to do? Can I remain intolerant? I could, but I may start to build a small world for myself if I am not willing to get outside of my comfort zone (within reason, of course. I don't need to "test" myself at the local liquor store). Can I reasonable sit and have a non alcoholic drink on a potential date in which the person across the table has one? Probably. Could I work on becoming more tolerant? Again, probably, but I like my view from up here where there is absolutely no temptation and I can talk all the AA I want without judgement. Well, fact of the matter is, liquor is legal and it's bound to be around at any function I go to. Hell, even church serves up some wine for breakfast!

Certainly something to give some thought to. No decisions are going to be made today. I am always amazed by the "readings of the day". Just went I don't think I have anything more to write about recovery, that little book, in the matter of 14 sentences, reminded me that the pendulum swung the other way and maybe a bit too far. The goal is to be center. As with most things, this will be easier said than done.

So, I am sure you are dying to know - I have been seeing someone for about a month now. Not sure what the future holds. My goal is to go out with a few other people before making any type of decisions. As of this point, very few people have yet to contact me. I am not surprised. No alcohol plus some snotty assumption on my side that I would be abused as the designated driver probably doesn't sit well with most folks. Ugh...Cindi, I know you are reading this so I think you are going to have to help me write a better profile :)

Peace out!