Humble Pie - Would You Like Ice Cream With That?

I was having a conversation with my new boss about 2 weeks ago. We got talking about how I came to learn the position that I am in. I answered honestly - basically by getting yelled at by everyone. Back when I first started, I felt like my whole world was going to fall apart when I was getting feedback like that. I would even get to the point of tears at time. I just assumed that if they had anything to say, that meant I was totally incompetent. That is pretty much how I had reacted to any criticism for the previous 10-15 years. I made the comment to her “Well, my ego doesn’t allow me to care so much about the yelling anymore….”

It sounded kind of weird coming out of my mouth. I know what I meant by that. Since I finally embraced my sobriety, I am able to take criticism now. I have stopped getting hung up on being perfect. I am human, I make mistakes. Every single person in the world has made a mistake or two. Furthermore, when people start getting heated by something, it is easier for me to say, OK, lesson learned, let’s move forward. I will do my best to pay attention in the future….blah blah blah. 

So, for the past couple of weeks and in the past couple blog entries, I don’t think that I was portraying this very well. I am starting to feel competitive and superior in ways to others. I have been complaining that I don’t think that school is very challenging. I have been talking about fellow classmates in a not so wonderful light. I have been focusing only on myself, how the world is affecting me, how work is affecting me, how life is effecting me. Ironically, when I was checking out my blog stats today, the #1 all-time most read entry in this blog is ME ME ME – Selfishness in Addiction. I read it this morning, yeah, I think I have a case of the “MEs”.

I have been kinda restless, not in a good mood, over dramatizing people, places and things. I have not been inclined to contact my therapist or my psychiatrist. I know all these moods and things have something to do with me. I have been super concerned with anything that applies to me and to me only. I haven’t been able to get outside of my own head. I am searching for reasons inside my own head to explain why I feel like I do. I now realize that I am feeling this way because I am stuck in my head. I am not seeing the greater possibilities here. I am not seeing or appreciating all that is good or going normally.

I took a quiz this last week. I had studied and was relatively confident in my performance. The grade was posted yesterday and, although I got an OK score, I was certainly expecting something different. The first thing I said to myself is “it’s the teacher’s fault. It’s easy to understand when she is talking about it but she obviously isn’t teaching well enough if I did this poorly on the quiz….” Let us take a minute here and pick this apart. Oh good God, where do I start:
1.      The teacher’s problem? Uh, no. Either the way I prepared for the quiz was not adequate or I don’t have a good understanding of the material. Teacher’s problem? I don’t think so.
2.      I actually improved my score by almost 10% points from the last quiz. Yes, I would like to do better, so let’s wait and see what the problems were. It was still more than a passing grade
3.      Not teaching well enough BECAUSE I did poorly? Oh boy, apparently I am omnipotent in my eyes. I should just be able to waltz in and get an A. This school isn’t that hard right? Maybe I didn’t want to eat my words that school is more challenging than I first thought.  Maybe I don’t want to admit that all my classmates are equally as talented because I disagreed with them on some other level about something totally different.
4.      Lastly, I thought (my reasonable brain) for a second that maybe I should make an appointment with the instructor to talk about the concepts that I am not getting. My not-so-reasonable mind jumps in with “it’s the instructors…..fault….not mine”. NO NO NO NO. Good God, get over yourself already. Perfection is unachievable – put your tail between your legs and ask for help.
Yikers, I am sure glad I am catching on to this now. I am leading myself down a not so wonderful path. I am doing it, me alone….Fortunately, the remedy is pretty easy. It’s time to start reading again. It’s time to hit a meeting and GET OUTSIDE OF MYSELF. Sitting inside my own head, convincing myself of my own perfectness, etc. is what help me achieve such an epic level of alcoholism. I guess I am learning my anxiety and depression can activate my ego too. Do you know what “they” (being mental health professionals) have to say about Narcissist? They are actually totally 100% self-conscious about themselves with 0 self-esteem and major depression. Hmmm….someone thinks they are better than everyone else, have everything everyone else wants? Not happy? Not surprised. I wouldn’t call myself a Narcissist just yet, but I was getting there!

One of the most important areas of my recovery is trying to stay outside of myself. I need to be connected with the world outside of me. I have decreased my praying and meditation (claiming that I am too tired, yet I will play Facebook games for an hour or two) which in turn has decreased my connection to my Higher Power. I think I was starting to substitute that fulfillment of life with my ego. It does not work. I know this from very deep and personal experience. As my ego starts to inflate, the less room I have for the things I need like relationships with God and friends/family. I suddenly cannot see what good and right. I am blinded by only that which is wrong or perceived to be wrong. 


Well, I refuse to live like that. So, I won’t. I will be praying to God today. I will admit that I am an alcoholic and I am powerless over alcohol. I will admit that I am not perfect. I will admit that I can’t do much about the future or the past. I will attempt to be in the present and be grateful I have the opportunities I do. As far as my next quiz goes, I think I will make an appointment with my instructor and see if she can help me get a better understanding of the material. Too bad my ego will be bruised. Ha! I hope it deflates to about ¼ of its current size.

Onward ho all! One day at a time….

XOXOX