I Am A Nurse

I Am A Nurse
In the fall of 2010, I was sitting in a circle with my fellow outpatient alcoholics and addicts. It was my graduation day. I was really excited and I was hoping to hear some nice things from all the people with whom I had spent the past several months processing my life on a daily basis. Usually when people graduate from these programs, I like to talk about how inspirational the person was to our group or how their honesty is something that we should try to achieve. Instead, I was a little disheartened and saddened when two people in a row  told me that I needed to find out more about myself because nursing isn't the only thing in life. They told me I relied on being a nurse and my only identity in life far too much. Of course I did, it was the only thing at that point that I was good at or could be proud of.

When I first started taking anti-depressants in 2004 as my nursing school was coming to an end, I felt like I was some sort of failure because I shouldn't be a nurse with anxiety problems or depression problems. In my mind, nurses are people who are tough and go-getters. Nurses know how to take care of people and thus know how to take care of themselves. They are educated in living better lives. We know what makes people sick and what doesn't. I held all nurses on the highest pedestal because of the nature of the work nursing is. I held myself to this standard as well and always fell short, in my own mind, because I was a drinking, smoking, stressed out, overweight, depressed 20 something with a life falling apart.

I remember commenting to my Mom when I got out of my inpatient treatment, "you would not believe how many other nurses were in there with me." It was my Mom's friend who actually reminded me, "nurses are just people. You were in treatment with other people who happen to be nurses". Likewise, I was also reminded that those who are in care-taking professions often have the least clue about taking care of themselves - case in point, me.

Because I carried this belief that nurses would know better and be above all of this, gave me an extra bag of shame to carry around. I have watched people die from alcohol-related complications, I have watched family members drive themselves crazy with guilt and shame about not being able to care for their loved one. I preached to the patients and the family members the same that taking care of ourselves is the only way to get through situations. Get some help, talk to a therapist, talk to our social worker, get hooked up with community support groups. I could dish it and dish it, but when the same advice was given to me? Nope. Not a chance.

The main reason I forced my identity to be only that of a nurse and nothing else is because I was really behind the 8 ball when it came to knowing anything about myself. I was good at being a nurse. I took good care of my people. Others had good feedback about me, give or take. I graduated with honors from my program. It felt like it was the only good thing about me. People seemed to respect me when I said I am a nurse. Also, I felt like people instantly respected me when I wore my uniforms around. It was the only time I had a sense of pride.

It was a dangerous place for me to only have nursing as my sole aspect of me. I started to believe that the responsibility of everything was mine. I never micromanaged people, mainly because they would not have listened, but I sure was loud and obnoxious about my feeling regarding the type of care they were giving. I started to believe that I was the only one capable of doing my job. I took on extra tasks and jobs because no one could do it better than me. When was I knocked off my high horse every do often, I would be absolutely devastated. Usually I would leave the job within the month.

Likewise, most of the positive feedback I got in my life at that point was from the people with whom I worked. Whether it was co-workers or my patients, I started to need to hear it all the time. If I wasn't complimented everyday for something, suddenly I was unappreciated. It was like I had an addiction to needing to hear things. I could never validate myself because of all of my shame I carried about being who I was when I wasn't there that I needed and desired everyone at my work to tell me I am great. As I am slowly learned now, true validation comes from within. I don't mind a compliment now and then, but I don't need it because I know I do good work. I love my patients and what I do. I do what I do, however, to give an internal satisfaction of knowing I made a difference in someone's life. I don't do it demanding you tell me exactly how super great I am.

I was so annoyed with my group that they didn't really say much to me other than I needed to find something else about myself. In hindsight, they were right about needing to find another identity. My favorite part of DBT class is when we started talking about our value system and what makes me, me. I read so intensely the  ideas given by my readings to figure out what I believed. Apparently, I have lots of different beliefs. Now, almost two years later, I have a much better handle on myself and what I believe. I do still carry a sense of pride being a nurse but it isn't the only thing about me anymore. I am a aunt. I am a friend. I am a concerned citizen. I am a volunteer.

I am proud to be a nurse. I am proud to say that I am a recovering alcoholic. These two things can coexist. I know that I am not the only nurse out there who wishes this addiction didn't get us. I know I am not the only nurse in recovery either. One of the area that I would like to possibly explore in grad school is working specifically with healthcare professional who need assistance with substance abuse. I just feel like being in this profession and having an addiction is not widely accepted. I believe that healthcare professionals carry extra shame about the behavior. Additionally, I think healthcare professionals need to learn a work/life balance that is really difficult when the demands on us are so high.

Thank you to my group in 2010 who annoyed me enough to pursue a new identity. I have one now, I made you guys proud!