Dear Alcohol

I have been encouraged to write this for a while. Not better place than here. This is my goodbye letter to alcohol:


Dear Alcohol:

You have been the worse lover of my life. I have had some "not so hot" relationships in the past, but, you, you really take the cake. Do you remember when we first met? I was 15, at a house party. I got my first taste of you. I had thought about you long before this. I wanted to drink because I thought it would be a cool thing and give me the edge I needed to be a bad-ass. After I got my first taste of you, I was in love with you. I thought about you a lot of the time. You made me feel so confident and goofy. I was happy and funny. I could live without you for periods of time, but I couldn't wait to get my hands on you again.

Then, as the years went on, I thought about you more and more. When I finally got to the point when I could have you whenever I wanted, you took hold faster than I realized. You kept me isolated and somewhat happy. At least I didn't have to feel I guess. Somehow, I made it through college drinking almost everyday by my senior year. I guess I was lucky I was young, it would have been a shame to leave college with so little to go. You started to influence my abilities to work. You became a need now.

I really believed that I would outgrow you. I thought one day I would get sick of you. I just didn't. New stresses in my life, new social lives to create. I just couldn't get enough of you. Then I started to hide our relationship. I knew that others wouldn't approve if they knew what we had. I hid you in my crate of nylons in the back of the closet. I hid you in my backpack. At times, I had to hid you in my car. I still wanted and needed you. I was starting to choose you over everything.

I went back to nursing school and got away from you a little bit. By the end, however, your claws were in my brain and my body. My husband at the time found out the extent of our relationship. He wanted me to stop but even he was no match for you. I needed just 1 more year with you, to get over you. I needed to get a new job or new friends or a new car or buy a house. I had this life that I wanted. You just kept hanging around. I thought you were relieving all of my pain. Little did I know, you were just making it worse.

Once my divorced was finalized, you and I had it made. I didn't have to justify my relationship with you to anyone anymore. But the suddenly you stopped making me happy. You abused my mind, soul and body. You killed my spirit. I started thinking of suicide all the time. You made me cry, night after night. I woke up in the morning and still felt you. I even smelled of you. I wanted to die because of you. You had this unbelievable hold on my mind. I hear you whisper my name in the dead of night...."are you lonely, I know you, I care, just take me, it's OK, no one knows". All those lost hours of listening to you.....and 1 horrible night when I decided I would rather die. I overdosed on you and pills. 10 days in the psych ward and I still sugar coated our relationship.

I started to lose my life. You made me so physically ill. I couldn't eat anymore, but somehow I could still drink you. You bankrupted me financially. I had to change jobs because of our relationship. I became paranoid that people would find out about us. Some people picked up on our relationship and I banished them from my life. I continuously chose you. You convinced me that we were OK. For moments in time, you would help me stop shaking. You would take the edge off of my nerves. I could relax for a minute or two.

The morning I chose you leave you was so painful. I called my Mom at 6:00am on a cold, snowy February morning. She drove 80 miles to find me un-showered, unkempt, crying and embarrassed. There was no hiding now. There was no turning back. You and I were exposed. My Mom took me to the ER. It was 7:30 am I blew a 0.26 on the breathalyzer. I couldn't stop talking. I was swept away to the detox unit. I didn't know I could literally die without you. I knew emotionally I felt like I was dying without you, but physically, you could have killed me too.

 It took 5 days to detox from you. I had a questionable seizure. I fell. I couldn't go to the bathroom without assistance.  I was dehydrated, malnourished. I sat in the detox center, locked in like a caged animal. I wanted to get away from you so badly. Yet all I wanted to was go back to our old relationship. We could go back to the good times right? You could start making things better and more fun, right? I made a smart decision and went on to treatment from there.

I couldn't stop obsessing about you. I loved you and hated you at the same time. I thought of you every waking minute. You voice was so loud. There was no life without you. What was I thinking? And just like that, you crept back into my life. Your grip was even more powerful than before. You laughed at my weakness. You rejoiced in my sorrow. When I cried, my eyes stung from crying alcohol tears. I was no longer hydrated enough to produce tears. Even as you laughed at me, I still needed you. I couldn't get you out of my mind. Why would I stick around for the abuse? I had to reach out again to my Mom and friends. They were not happy when they found out I went back to you. They would do anything to help me stay away from you, but they will no longer tolerate you hanging around.

God had to step in. You were too powerful for me. He step up walls and barriers to keep you away. I wanted you back but everyone was telling me no. It was unhealthy to be together anymore. I just wanted you to take me away, just one last time. I wanted the opportunity to prove to people that you weren't lying to me. I could control you. I could have a life with you. Why didn't people understand what you had meant to me? You made my life so aggravating for the first year. I wanted you out, but I couldn't stop thinking about you!

Each day I am getting stronger of body, mind and will to stop your advances. You call from time to time now, but I don't pick up anymore. I have too much to lose now. I lost so much because of you - my pride, my self-respect, my brainpower, memories with family and friends. Although you provided immediate relief at times, I have better ways now. You should see the things I have done without you. It's amazing. I know you think that I am still weak and one day you will get me back. But you are not going to today. I said NO today, so take that.

I pray each day that your influence will continue to fade out of my life. I will never forget you, maybe one day I will  even forgive you, but life is just better without you. I can't do it anymore. Alcohol, you are the worst lover I ever had.

JT