I have been watching a series of blogs regarding others who are struggling with addiction issues. Recently, it seems a lot of people have been questioning whether or not social media (FB, Twitter, etc) helps or hurts a person's chances of recovery. It's an interesting discussion and I have seen both sides well argued.

I joined facebook in 2007, basically to get away from watching my ex-husband on Myspace trying to whoo his girlfriend he had at the end of our marriage. I founds lots of old friends from high school, college, even grade school. It was fun to see where everyone had landed, what they were doing and where they were living. Facebook was the best thing for me when I was drinking. I could sit and act like I had a life out there! I had friends, see 500 of them! I wasn't isolating. I was doing friendship from home. Who needs to go out when you can just correspond over FB?

I was forced to unplug from everything in my first round of treatment. No cell phone, no texting, no computers, no nothing. I had to admit for a while I was really relieved. I didn't have to talk to anyone about where I was. I had a phone to make calls as long as I didn't mind 35 other women in the room enjoying the phone call with me. I got back into reading at this time. I think that was something really important I was missing in my life. I hadn't read a book in 5 years because I was too drunk to remember what I had read. Oh the memories.

So, when I got out and returned to my life in the computer, I have to admit, I had a really hard time. I saw others who were out drinking, or out dancing, picnics with beers, statuses with how rockin' last night was by the strength of the hangover today.....I felt like it was just more in my face than it would have been had I not been a part of facebook at all. It did help me identify a major resentment though - I don't like that I can't drink anymore! Keep in mind, however, that  I run into this stuff when I am out with my friends too. I had the friend who just can't have an Indian meal without a beer. I have been to parties where people were wildly out of control drunk. Everything I do is going to have a possible trigger associated with it. Either way, I can turn off the computer or I can leave my situation. Again, it's about choices.

In the past 6 months or so, I believe that social media has been really helpful to me. I have a twitter account. I have very few people that I actually "know" on there. The people who I choose to follow on twitter are people who have something to do with recovery. It is through twitter that I am learning about all the different ways to become sober. Different programs, different methods, other people's plans and successes. I also like the ability to tweet a short message and get an instant reply of those who are in recovery. It's kinda like a non-stop AA meeting, if you will.

Some of the folks that I have on my FB are people whom I have been in aftercare with or were in treatment with or folks I have met at AA meetings. I enjoy having them as a part of my daily life. I feel that I always have a connection with someone in sobriety whether I am out with friends, FBing with friends or tweeting. I even belong to closed groups on FB that deal strictly with recovery. All in all, I am finding additional ways to have support 24/7. Always important when you work nights....

I certainly understand how people are really annoyed with social media and becoming sober. I think the addict mind loves to come into play. I can scroll through 30 funny pictures of animals but the one thing I will remember is that picture someone took of their beer at a local bar I used to frequent. Ugh. I also let myself get upset when I see someone that I used to hangout with still "having fun" going out and getting hammered. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see certain people, places or things online that represent still very large triggers for me - even almost 2 years out from my last drink.

All in all, I have to say that despite these experiences, I do feel like social media has enhanced my sobriety. I have this blog to get my message out there. I have been able to communicate and reach out to people to whom I would not have been able to reach otherwise. I have my tweeters who follow my daily or weekly struggles. I have my friends who provide me feedback and comfort. Also, I like having the ability to occupy my time with family and friends. I like looking at other people's pictures. I like to see what people are up to. And, while I do come across the occasional trigger-type stuff, my positive experiences well outweigh the emotional bumps I get now and again.

I do recommend that people be somewhat careful with social media in early recovery. I did struggle in the beginning. Any excuse was an excuse to drink in the beginning. Seeing a Miller Lite ad on TV was a reason to drink. Seeing others drink or seeing pictures of people out at the places I used to frequent, that was right up there for reason's to drink. I did have to make some choices about who I was really going to connect with out there in the cyber world. Honestly, if you are one of my friends that posts 50% or more of the time about alcohol, you are probably not in my feed anymore. Sorry guys, but sobriety is number one. Interestingly, I did lose some friends after I started writing this blog. I suspect it had something to do with me being sober now. Oh well, their loss I guess. It is important, too, that if you are getting rid of people from your life, say your drug dealer, best not to be friends on FB. Cutting ties with people means social media too! Don't leave the door open, it's just too tempting.

One last component of social media and sobriety, one has to be really mindful of how they feel. Right out of treatment, I was so raw and hurting all the time, I blew FB way out of proportion. If I sent a request and people didn't respond right away, I took it personally. Also, when people deleted me, I was acting like an 8th grader and experienced almost devastation about that action. Now, I don't care so much. People are gonna do what people are gonna do. You don't like me? Better we are not friends then, whatever. Having liable emotions and low self-esteem were some hurdles in early recovery for me. I had to be careful about what I exposed myself to. I needed to really build my sober community, in person, at meetings. Having done this and gained several FB friends through people I have met in person at meetings, I believe now it is something to increase my success as a sober person.

To all my recovery peeps:  Recovery meetings online are great if there is no other way. I don't recommend them, however, as a sole source of meetings. Getting to meetings in the flesh are always better. For those of you who have questions about what topics are covered in AA or how meetings go, try an online meeting. It might be something to ease the stress of going to a meeting in person.

XOXOX

Julie

I found it a little bit ironic when I entered treatment that people told me that I needed to start making my life about me. Mainly because my addiction was the most selfish thing I have ever done. I did nothing but think about me and my needs! When I think about my active addiction phase, I just shake my head at how selfish I really was. If you had asked me at the time if I thought I was being selfish, I probably would have been offended because this was really everyone else's problem. not mine.

What makes addiction so selfish is simple. Every decision, every action and every waking thought is about me and how I am going to satisfy me. How am I going to get my alcohol? I will be stopping at 8 different places because people might think I am an alcoholic, because, ya know, everyone always is thinking about me, even if they don't know me. Where am I going to drink? Who am I going to call when I start feeling bad about myself? How am I going to get this person to make me feel better? I am going to make an excuse for not coming so I feel better about the situation. In fact, I am going to tell them I am sick because I do feel kinda hungover. I am still going to drink tonight, but they don't know that. I am going to bail out on other people's events because it is not satisfying my need to drink. Go to a sober wedding? What the hell is the point. Never mind my friends are getting married, I can't get wasted, I am not going. Shall I continue on? Heck, I probably wouldn't have attended my own wedding if there wasn't alcohol present.

I think this behavior disgusted me the most. I think everyone at some point in their day is self-centered. But not like this. I had a one track mind and if you aren't standing somewhere near it, I probably wouldn't give you the time of day. It's was all about my need to drink. My time was either spent recovering from drinking, going to get alcohol, drinking alcohol and passing out from alcohol. Emotionally, because I feel bad, I am going to talk to people about only me and why they need to tell me I am awesome. Again, it is all about me because I am feeling bad about me.

I watch the show Intervention religiously. Before I got sober, I watched the show and thought "Oh my God, why does nobody do this for me? They don't love me like these people love their addict?" (me me me) Now I watch thinking, thank God I didn't get to the point that these families are at. Thank God I had a moment of clarity and got to the same place without having to me on this show. I would have been so embarrassed and horrified at watching myself be the way that I was.

What I think is soooooo amazingly confusing to people is how an addict can sit there and say "I really love my kids, I want to do everything for them", but turn around and choose a drink or a hit every single time. Children especially, but also family members are left scratching their heads wondering how could a person do that??? Because addiction is a terribly selfish disease, but that is the addiction talking, not the real person. The sober individual knows better than that. If they were not afflicted with active addiction, they would choose their families. When addiction is running the show, it all becomes about the drug, nothing else really matters.

I think my behavior was one of the reasons I didn't want to get sober. I didn't want to deal with the aftermath. I didn't want people to tell me all about the stupid things I did. I didn't want people to tell me that they were hurt. I felt so bad about it already. What if I had to make amends? Were people going to accept me anymore? Could I really convince them that I change? Could they ever believe another word out of my mouth? In my addiction mind, the answer was no, so keep on drinking. It's easier to assume that the whole world hates me anyway so I should just drink instead. I knew mostly what to expect in this situation. I knew exactly which place to go to, how to buy it, how to mix it, who to call when I was drunk, who I was going to turn into and lastly, I knew I was going to sleep at night. What if the world changed and it wasn't about me anymore? I was so obsessed with alcohol that I really believed that there was no purpose to life if I didn't have it.

I talked a little bit about holding people emotionally hostage. When people have a thinking disorder, including depression, anxiety, addiction, etc, holding people responsible for my happiness and success really does seem logical. It's the external world that makes me feel terrible, so it should be the external world that makes me happy. I hope I have made it pretty clear in my previous entries that this is never the case. It takes a great deal of self motivation to actually change the thinking patterns. And yes, that means I have to make recovery all about me. At least in recovery, I am not holding people hostage. I can be open and honest and at the end of all of it, I don't expect people to do anything for me. It's my battle to fight and I don't have to do it alone, but the bulk of the work as to come from me.

Now that I am sober, it is really hard to balance the "me" part in my life. I tend to go overboard to everything except me to make up for all the time I spent on me. But it is important to remember that if I spend the time on "sober me", I can be better person for the world at large. I still find myself over extending myself to others. I kinda get sick of dealing with me all the time. A good sign in some ways, but not monitoring correctly, it can be a dangerous sign too. There is a balance to be had. I just haven't completely found it yet. I suffer from "all or nothing" thinking in just about every area of my life. Balance is just something I have to learn more about.

I do enjoy talking with others about my addiction now. It feels liberating and I hope that I am providing some insight to those who know others who are suffering with addiction. I don't think that there is truly an addict that really loves themselves. They hate the decisions they make, but they can't figure out a way to make a different one. How can a non-addict possibly comprehend the decisions an addict makes? Take the chronic DWI recipient. How can that person make the choice to drink and drive again????? As long as the consequences didn't land them away from alcohol (say jail) the addict mind says, hey, you need to drink, if you have other plans, I am still running the show. Despite complete catastrophic consequences, people continue to do the same thing expecting a different outcome but it doesn't change. Again, the definition of insanity.

So, the goal this week is balance. I have taken a lot of "me" time during this week off. Doing my chores, going to the gym, reading my books and sleeping. It does feel good. I have appreciated that my more negative mind has been at bay. I am not beating myself up for what I "should" be doing. I am just doing the things that are going to make me calm and happy. Such a drastic change from just 2 short years ago when everything was about the bottle and, in turn, about me.

Peace Out
J