ME ME ME ME - Selfishness in Addiction

I found it a little bit ironic when I entered treatment that people told me that I needed to start making my life about me. Mainly because my addiction was the most selfish thing I have ever done. I did nothing but think about me and my needs! When I think about my active addiction phase, I just shake my head at how selfish I really was. If you had asked me at the time if I thought I was being selfish, I probably would have been offended because this was really everyone else's problem. not mine.

What makes addiction so selfish is simple. Every decision, every action and every waking thought is about me and how I am going to satisfy me. How am I going to get my alcohol? I will be stopping at 8 different places because people might think I am an alcoholic, because, ya know, everyone always is thinking about me, even if they don't know me. Where am I going to drink? Who am I going to call when I start feeling bad about myself? How am I going to get this person to make me feel better? I am going to make an excuse for not coming so I feel better about the situation. In fact, I am going to tell them I am sick because I do feel kinda hungover. I am still going to drink tonight, but they don't know that. I am going to bail out on other people's events because it is not satisfying my need to drink. Go to a sober wedding? What the hell is the point. Never mind my friends are getting married, I can't get wasted, I am not going. Shall I continue on? Heck, I probably wouldn't have attended my own wedding if there wasn't alcohol present.

I think this behavior disgusted me the most. I think everyone at some point in their day is self-centered. But not like this. I had a one track mind and if you aren't standing somewhere near it, I probably wouldn't give you the time of day. It's was all about my need to drink. My time was either spent recovering from drinking, going to get alcohol, drinking alcohol and passing out from alcohol. Emotionally, because I feel bad, I am going to talk to people about only me and why they need to tell me I am awesome. Again, it is all about me because I am feeling bad about me.

I watch the show Intervention religiously. Before I got sober, I watched the show and thought "Oh my God, why does nobody do this for me? They don't love me like these people love their addict?" (me me me) Now I watch thinking, thank God I didn't get to the point that these families are at. Thank God I had a moment of clarity and got to the same place without having to me on this show. I would have been so embarrassed and horrified at watching myself be the way that I was.

What I think is soooooo amazingly confusing to people is how an addict can sit there and say "I really love my kids, I want to do everything for them", but turn around and choose a drink or a hit every single time. Children especially, but also family members are left scratching their heads wondering how could a person do that??? Because addiction is a terribly selfish disease, but that is the addiction talking, not the real person. The sober individual knows better than that. If they were not afflicted with active addiction, they would choose their families. When addiction is running the show, it all becomes about the drug, nothing else really matters.

I think my behavior was one of the reasons I didn't want to get sober. I didn't want to deal with the aftermath. I didn't want people to tell me all about the stupid things I did. I didn't want people to tell me that they were hurt. I felt so bad about it already. What if I had to make amends? Were people going to accept me anymore? Could I really convince them that I change? Could they ever believe another word out of my mouth? In my addiction mind, the answer was no, so keep on drinking. It's easier to assume that the whole world hates me anyway so I should just drink instead. I knew mostly what to expect in this situation. I knew exactly which place to go to, how to buy it, how to mix it, who to call when I was drunk, who I was going to turn into and lastly, I knew I was going to sleep at night. What if the world changed and it wasn't about me anymore? I was so obsessed with alcohol that I really believed that there was no purpose to life if I didn't have it.

I talked a little bit about holding people emotionally hostage. When people have a thinking disorder, including depression, anxiety, addiction, etc, holding people responsible for my happiness and success really does seem logical. It's the external world that makes me feel terrible, so it should be the external world that makes me happy. I hope I have made it pretty clear in my previous entries that this is never the case. It takes a great deal of self motivation to actually change the thinking patterns. And yes, that means I have to make recovery all about me. At least in recovery, I am not holding people hostage. I can be open and honest and at the end of all of it, I don't expect people to do anything for me. It's my battle to fight and I don't have to do it alone, but the bulk of the work as to come from me.

Now that I am sober, it is really hard to balance the "me" part in my life. I tend to go overboard to everything except me to make up for all the time I spent on me. But it is important to remember that if I spend the time on "sober me", I can be better person for the world at large. I still find myself over extending myself to others. I kinda get sick of dealing with me all the time. A good sign in some ways, but not monitoring correctly, it can be a dangerous sign too. There is a balance to be had. I just haven't completely found it yet. I suffer from "all or nothing" thinking in just about every area of my life. Balance is just something I have to learn more about.

I do enjoy talking with others about my addiction now. It feels liberating and I hope that I am providing some insight to those who know others who are suffering with addiction. I don't think that there is truly an addict that really loves themselves. They hate the decisions they make, but they can't figure out a way to make a different one. How can a non-addict possibly comprehend the decisions an addict makes? Take the chronic DWI recipient. How can that person make the choice to drink and drive again????? As long as the consequences didn't land them away from alcohol (say jail) the addict mind says, hey, you need to drink, if you have other plans, I am still running the show. Despite complete catastrophic consequences, people continue to do the same thing expecting a different outcome but it doesn't change. Again, the definition of insanity.

So, the goal this week is balance. I have taken a lot of "me" time during this week off. Doing my chores, going to the gym, reading my books and sleeping. It does feel good. I have appreciated that my more negative mind has been at bay. I am not beating myself up for what I "should" be doing. I am just doing the things that are going to make me calm and happy. Such a drastic change from just 2 short years ago when everything was about the bottle and, in turn, about me.

Peace Out
J