I cannot decide if my experience with the past few months of dating was more an issue of age or that of sobriety. I have absolutely no frame of reference with sober dating as I starting drinking long before I ever starting dating. Dating is a hell of a lot easier with liquor but it also can lead to that "Oh, Lord, what was I thinking?" much more frequently than when sober. Trust me, that thought did cross my mind a few times along with this little trip.

I was asked by one of my readers to give some pieces of wisdom I picked up on during my very first round of sober dating. Well, I am not sure that you really want that advice from me as I feel it was, overall, a huge waste of my time. At least I got to go out to dinner and meet a few new people that I would have otherwise never crossed paths with, I suppose. Anyway, as with anything out there, I did take away some lessons about life, love and pursuit of the perfect partner......

#1 Do any of us really know what we want? I had so many people who wrote me who hated smokers, drank like fish or wanted nothing to do with children. My profile stated the exact opposite. I opted to join the conversation but quickly realized.....bad idea which leads to #2
#2 Don't compromise. I started to get into that wishy-washy arena again...i.e. well, maybe it won't be that bad if I change...or maybe I can get over this....I realize there is  a certain level of compromise in every relationship. The point here is to never compromise on the "non-negotiable" things in life. If can't be around a drinker, I can't. I almost got myself convinced I could. Hey, I tried. Fortunately, I bailed before I hit the danger zone.
#3 Don't be afraid to be exactly who you are. If you are shy, be shy. If you are incredibly opinionated, be so. 
#4 Then, please, please, please be OK if not everyone likes you. I was fearing this when I started dating because who the heck likes to be rejected? Heck, I don't like be rejected so much that I can barely reject someone else because I know how they might be feeling - and it sucks. Interestingly, I did improve much in this area. Maybe my age has made me less tolerant for some things or maybe I am finally free of my drug that made me the neediest girl in the room. Either way, good. I am not for everyone but there is a good chance that I am for someone.
#5 Careful about what you blog about your dating experience....Ha!

If a future client ever came to me and asked about dating, I would at least feel like I have a chance of providing a reasonable answer based on this experience. I needed to make sure that I was whole first. I was with someone when I got sober and limped along in that relationship for another 2.5 years because I thought that was better than being alone. I ended up jumping into dating so quickly, I think I could have used a moment or two to make sure I was grounded in myself first. Overall, I think I managed to ride the waves on this one. 

I did realize one important thing about myself that will have to be a part profile in my future.....I really don't like texting. I don't mind it for quick chats with friends or an update about plans. But trying to have a conversation? Did you know that men become completely needy if there is not a response in 2 seconds from a text? OMG, back off! Hi. What are you doing? I am eating. Here I am? Why aren't you writing me? Did I say something? It has been three minutes since my first text. You hate me don't you.....I made the distinct mistake of giving out my number to a few people at one time. On average, I use 130 texts a month. Between these two guys, I had over 900 texts. Much of which was similar to the conversation above. I actually flat out told the last bachelor "I don't like my cell phone." I have never liked being available 24 hours at a flip of a switch. It is expected that people have their cellphones with them and will always answer or always text back IMMEDIATELY. Nope, I like the leave a message or send me an email and I will get back to you when I am in the space to do so. I almost felt harassed at points about this. And he also ignored my preferences and called 3-4 times per day which multiple texts in between. AHAHAHHWHHFDGFDSIG!  So, lesson learned. Now I am back on track to do 120 texts this next month.....

So the burning question now, will I do it again? I do have a match.com subscription until next March or something stupid like that. I updated my profile which now states, I am in recovery, I talk about it a lot. I hate cell phones and texting. The cats and I are a package deal. They will not be given up for allergies, hatred or any other reason. If you can't deal, then keep it moving. Now, I sound much softer on the profile but the message is unmistakable. I am will leave it up and see what happens but I am not active searching. I will not reply if I don't want to. Actually, I don't have to worry about that because no one really writes me on that site. Oh well! I had a discussion with my Higher Power in the shower this morning. I asked God where he wants me. Some days I really want kids, I want the family, I want the house and a picket fence. The next day, I can't stand getting contacted more than 2x a day by someone because I like to be alone and have lots of down time. I don't know what I want. I do know what I don't want is regret that I missed something. Then, God sent me my message today while I was seeking supervision about a care plan I was writing. I told my supervisor, "this guy is relapsing because he has so much unresolved grief....." My supervisor simply said, "What do the 12 steps teach us? We have to live life on life's terms. The more we try to interject our plans, our will, our interventions, the more lost we become in our own lives." I looked at him and said "Are you talking to me or about client?" He smiled and said, "Probably both". So, thanks God, for answering my question. I just have to let things happen. It's hard to not jump in the driver's seat, but I can do it. I have in the past and I certainly today. 

Thank you for all the support during this transition to this site. The blog entries that are currently transferred are the "Best of"....any entry that had over 100+ hits over it's life on the site :) 

Peace out!

For those of you who are joining me for the first time, I wrote a series of blog entries on my old site about my experiences with sober dating. In a moment of stupidity, I deleted them based on the experience I am about to tell you about. In summary of Sober Dating 1-4, I went through a series of experiences in which I was trying to decide what I was willing to do about my dates drinking and their personalities. I wrote about some of the potential bachelors with some details and what I thought about those details.  I had a series of bad dates, as most people will end up having. The final date on this journey was terribly interesting. One of my favorite things about being sober is seeing the world through clear eyes. 

So, the final bachelor and I had a series of conversations via email and text. I got some rather interesting questions over email before he agreed to me. I was kinda wondering what provoked his questions, so I gave a rather stern answer to "Do you think telling the truth is important..." or something along those lines. It's a totally loaded questions. What do you think I am going to say..."Lying is the best!! I hate telling the truth, trust is not important at all!" So I jump and wanted to know what he motives were for asking such a question - either he didn't trust me or he just assumes I am the same as all other women he has dealt with that lie. Either way, I am in pissed off by it. He tells me it was just a general question when he wrote back. He didn't mean to make anything of it. I just mentioned I didn't like to get into big philosophical debates about anything until I actually meet someone to see if it's worth having the conversation.

First date went well. Second date was fun. As per the general pattern of this dating round, the third goes down the drain. He FINALLY admits after a few comments here and there that were kinda snarky that he had been reading my blog in which he was mentioned but not by name. He had texted me for one of the first times while I was on a date with another person and I think I told him I was at school. I didn't feel comfortable saying I was on a date, so I fibbed. He saw my entry that night. So, he spend some time telling me about how I am liar. Additionally, my thoughts about him (which I still stand by my perceptions of our conversations at the time) almost didn't get me a date. According to him, I should be lucky that he is even talking to me. At that moment, when he was telling me all of this, I almost bought into all of it. In a minute, I will get to why I didn't.

We watched a few movies and I found his general demeanor to be kind of aggressive. He kept asking me questions, in an effort I think, to trip me up to confirm in his mind that I was lying to him. I have to admit, my felt sick to my stomach when I was being called out, but at least I took responsibility. I told him I was sorry that what I said hurt his feelings. I was just talking about my thoughts and perceptions. I also told him that I didn't feel comfortable at the time telling him I was on another date when he texted me. I felt about the size of pea. I also mentioned that I was surprised when I learned more about him and my perceptions were incorrect.

Immediately, the next morning, I sent a text stating that I felt I had done too much damage to any potential relationship and I would not like to see him anymore. Thanks and good luck. I talked to my girlfriends about what happened and they agreed it was better that I cut things off. I came home that night and started to get really angry about being called out, etc. etc. I decided to check my phone to see if there was any response from him. Nothing. Nope. Not a thing. That is what got me thinking about everything related to this situation in other terms. 

First, I think he had something to prove to me. He was constantly fishing for things but never told me, "Hey I read your blog, I am not what you think I am...." Instead, he was playing games around it seeing if I would figure it out. "I am an IT guy, you know, you can't hide anything from me." Well, guys, if you know my email address or are my FB friend, you can find my blog pretty easily. Anyway, I don't think he was actually interested in dating me for the long term since reading my blog but felt a need to defend himself against what I had said. (For those of you who missed those entries, I accuse him of needing to be taking care of potentially because of family issues and his own medical issues. In our conversations it sounded like he was addicted to pain medications.....all of which were untrue, but those were my perceptions at the time). He got his chance to prove to me that he was different than that. Good for you, I am glad you got the opportunity.

Now, he frequently questioned my truthfulness. I owned up to what I did lie about. He did not. So, I practiced my 12 step life to the best of my ability by admitting I was wrong and attempted to make an amend to him. He used it as a piece of power to change the dynamic of the relationship and I felt that the minute he finally said he read the blog. I should consider myself lucky that he went out with me was his general message after that. I knew in my gut that I would have to spend any time going forward proving to him that I was trustworthy. The one place I am 100% truthful is this blog. Hell, the guy knew what I was thinking about him verbatim before we met! Actually,I wish I some beforehand knowledge from time to time! Other than that, I did not lie to him. But there was no convincing him after that. I deleted those blog entries out of guilt. I wish I hadn't but so goes life. We make decisions.

Lastly, I have learned that maybe I am not ready for dating like I thought I was. Or, at least, online dating. I often saw men saying "I don't want drama, I want someone how doesn't do this or that or the other thing....etc". Then I was reading an article telling me that online dating is probably a bad idea since people don't know what the hell they want - probably me included. People get to be so unrealistic. There is no person out there that is 100% truthful. People tell white lies. People exaggerate. There is no such thing as a drama free relationship. 

Also, I learned from all of this is that I stayed truer to myself than I ever have. I put my foot down when I couldn't tolerate behavior or personality issues. I am proud of myself for that. I am also pretty proud of myself that I didn't let this last bachelor keep me down for very long. I had pretty serious guilt for about 24 hours. I prayed to God for forgiveness and the ability to forgive myself. He threw in the added insight that maybe, just maybe, I was not the only person at fault here. So, needless to say, I am out of the dating world. I think the message is pretty clear to me that I am not ready right now for dating. Whatever will happen will happen. If it was meant to be, it will be. 

There are two reasons for moving my blog at this point. The scenario above gave me the final push to do something that I have been wanting to do for a while now. Get my own site! There is a link above for my FB site. I will get my Twitter link up there shortly. So, thank you for visiting my site. Please bookmark me! Follow me on FB and/or Twitter  to find out about new blog updates. 

Peace out, yo!

Let me put the disclaimer right out there to start with: This is strictly my opinion and my opinion only. I have no research or whatnot to back up my own opinion.

There are programs out there like methadone maintenance programs to help me heroin addicts sober. I don't know off the top of my head how successful they are, but in the grand scheme of treatment and sobriety, every little bit helps. With the treatment we have today, there is still only about a 50%-50% shot at actually getting sober. I believe this to be the reasons that insurance companies are not always hyped about paying for treatment services. I have heard on average it takes people 4-5 times through treatment to really get it. If that is true, we need some help.

So, there are a couple of medications out there like Suboxone, Antabuse and a few others that are suppose to be the more "take a pill, magical" cure. Antabuse makes people projectile vomit if they are taking it and choose to drink. Suboxone is a drug to assist with cravings and if people relapse, I believe Suboxone decreased the "high" sensation that people get. There are side effects and pretty grave ones if you ask me, but if you are so chronically ill and dying from your addiction anyway, why not try? One of the bummers here is that you have to be taking it to work. If I really really want to drink today and I don't care about the consequences, you can bet your last dollar bill, I am not going to take my Antabuse and do whatever the hell I want. Again, the work of recovery comes in here whether it be AA, religion, Women in Sobriety, counseling, addiction treatment, group therapy.....all of these have been proven to work when the patient is willing!

Here in lies the main problem with medication assisted sobriety: no medication, no pill can ever replace the work  that needs to be done in changing one's life. I just hope when people are put on drugs like this, they know that. If there was a pill to stop alcoholism, that would be wonderful, but we are far from that. So, there are some pretty hardcore abstinence advocates out there that don't believe if you are taking any synthetic time of drugs to assist with sobriety, you are not actually sober. I am inclined to disagree on this one. I take 2 anti-depressant which are artificially stimulating dopamine and serotonin in my brain, does that mean I am not sober? This is exactly what drug do, albeit on a much grander scale.....Additionally, I know opiate addicts who have had surgery and were prescribed opiates for pain management. They took the medications AS prescribed for the short term and immediately got themselves back to an abstaining standpoint. They do not lose their sobriety date in the eyes of AA. If an addict thought they had to suffer through surgical pain with tylenol....bad things start happening. It is when the drug starts to be abuse again (taken in higher doses, longer than prescribed, obtained illegally) - sorry you lose your date, time to start over.

I am of the opinion, good God, let's give a person any leg up we can to get them sober. The people I have seen in my treatment and in AA were, and still are dying from this disease. The annual cost of treatment, ER visits and the cost of nonproductive people are in the billions per year. A pill is in no means the end all and be all, but if it can reduce cravings and give a beaten down person a chance at getting sober, I say why not? I do think it should be short term in use. All those drugs unfortunately can be abused or sold on the streets. If I remember correctly, doctors have to receive a special certification to prescribe methadone and suboxone because of their abuse potential. Yes, it should remain highly restricted and not the first line treatment. In reality, the number of suicides, overdoses, etc related to substance abuse is on the rise way faster than the treatment accessible to people.

Personally, I would have liked a medication to help me get past those first 6 months. I got put into a monitoring program - that was probably one of the most helpful things to get me to a clearer mind. The brain is just really whacked out in the first 6 months. No matter how much I, personally, desired to be sober, I just couldn't get past my own addicted mind. I was still obsessed and making excuses left and right for why I needed to drink. I needed some major consequences. I got them, eventually. I fear to think what would have happened to me had I not taken the path that I did. I honestly think I would have attempted to move out of state and continued my drinking binge farther for the people who cared about me. If I had been offered a 3 month supply of a drug to help take craving off of the table, I would have taken it. If I had been offered a drug that made it impossible for me to feel drunk, I think I would have taken it. I don't really care if you think that I am sober or not doing this, I would have been trying to do what I thought I needed to do to stay sober.

Anyway, I will get off of my soapbox for the time being. Hope all is well with my readers out there, again, as always, I am grateful to have you.

XOXOXOX

Oh boy, I tell ya, I never have a dull minute in this recovery process. So, I started my internship today and I adore it. We started our group by reading the 24 Hours A Day reading for September 4th. I believe the message was more about relying on a Higher Power to keep myself calm in most situations. Interesting, it talked about not becoming intolerant of people who do drink can drink normally. A few in the group were able to be more honest than I initially was being with myself about this piece of the reflection. Am I intolerant of my friends and family who can drink normally?

In short, that answer is a big fat YES. Now I know how my ex-husband felt when he would see that I had been drinking all day when he got home. He was intolerant of my drinking. I was fine with it. Now, I get annoyed when people pull out that bottle of wine for dinner. My God! Don't they know I am an alcoholic! I hate alcohol now! Get it away! Well, that is something I would hope that I believe but it really isn't. What I really mean is "I love alcohol, I miss it and I am jealous that you get to have it and I don't." So, my jealousy evolves into a resentment and my resentment turns into intolerance. More dangerously, it puts me in the position of being the victim. Danger! Danger!

Interestingly, I have smoked around people who have quit. I have no problem smoking. I admire the fact that they quit. (I am in a harm reduction phase in regards to this....2 cigarettes a day....getting there.) Anyway, people were tolerant of my drinking and I should be tolerant of their drinking too. I think the world starts to get very small for me when it comes to alcohol. I don't (I am 150% serious here), I don't know HOW you can just have a few sips of beer and then walk away. It's a travesty! It's a waste, hurry up with that glass of wine, it's time to order another. Since this is my personal view on this topic, I just assume the world around me feels the same way. Well, the fact of the matter is a majority of alcohol users are not abusers and addicts. Why should people have to act "special" around me because I am really mad I can't any???

I think I have successfully avoided all situations in the past 3 or years to not be around alcohol. On one level, I believe if it is around, I will just drink, I have no self-control. Hence, my house is alcohol free. My sister has beer at her house. I seem to be fine around that. So, what am I so afraid of?? It took me so damn long to get control over this disease, I am terrify my secret desire to partake in alcohol will override my ability not to do so. In the meantime, I think I have almost created a phobia for myself. I am completely terrified of being around alcohol at all. I don't think I have to be. I think my sober self is much stronger than that now. While I may want or desire a sip, I know better, I can't. I have created my own intolerance of uncomfortable feelings. That's what got me into addiction in the first place.....

The end of the reading of the day reminded me that I cannot be intolerant which is interesting time given my new extracurricular activity of dating. My profile is very aggressive about the non-alcohol piece. "I do not drink alcohol and I do not like to be around it....I don't want to be your sober cab and life cannot revolve around alcohol....if you social life is bars and dance clubs, I am not for you." I am starting to wonder to what extent I have scared away relatively normal people. I believe I do need to be honest, but should I be showing such an aggressiveness toward those who really do "socially" drink. My dating site seems to think I am intolerant and told me as much. "Consider changing your preferences to include 'social' drinking in order to attract more matches." I have been generally giving this the finger every time I read it. I want someone who doesn't drink. At all. I want them to do what I want them to do. What about people who drink 2 times per year? Could I not be around them? 2 days out of 365? Really? Who is intolerant? ME. And I guess today I realized it.

So, what to do, what to do? Is there anything to do? Can I remain intolerant? I could, but I may start to build a small world for myself if I am not willing to get outside of my comfort zone (within reason, of course. I don't need to "test" myself at the local liquor store). Can I reasonable sit and have a non alcoholic drink on a potential date in which the person across the table has one? Probably. Could I work on becoming more tolerant? Again, probably, but I like my view from up here where there is absolutely no temptation and I can talk all the AA I want without judgement. Well, fact of the matter is, liquor is legal and it's bound to be around at any function I go to. Hell, even church serves up some wine for breakfast!

Certainly something to give some thought to. No decisions are going to be made today. I am always amazed by the "readings of the day". Just went I don't think I have anything more to write about recovery, that little book, in the matter of 14 sentences, reminded me that the pendulum swung the other way and maybe a bit too far. The goal is to be center. As with most things, this will be easier said than done.

So, I am sure you are dying to know - I have been seeing someone for about a month now. Not sure what the future holds. My goal is to go out with a few other people before making any type of decisions. As of this point, very few people have yet to contact me. I am not surprised. No alcohol plus some snotty assumption on my side that I would be abused as the designated driver probably doesn't sit well with most folks. Ugh...Cindi, I know you are reading this so I think you are going to have to help me write a better profile :)

Peace out!

Super Cool....this last blog has really generated some very interesting conversations both on and offline about my topic of choice. I think I have even a clearer position on this whole ordeal. So, I have found people who have lost significant amounts of weight who make "carbs" or "sugar" the enemy. Ever heard a recovering alcoholic make alcohol the enemy? (If you have ever read this blog, than the answer is YES.) I have had relationships that felt like addictions in which I made the other person the enemy as well. How could this person possibly have any friends? I can stand up here in my alcohol-free world and tell you the horrors of alcohol just as a newly skinny person can tell me the sugar in my cheesecake is going straight to my hips. It's easy to sit on the other side and not understand why the person across the table doesn't see that my enemy should be their enemy too.

There were clearly two camps with regards to my argument in the last blog. First the "DAMN STRAIGHT - you stay away from alcohol and don't do anything that would put recovery at risk" folks. Then there were the "UMMM - you are never going to be able to do anything if someone around can't have a beer. You have the problem, not me..." people. I eluded to this in my previous entry as well. My world can get really small if I am only allowing myself to partake in certain activities. I have really wanted to go to a ballgame, but I used to drink at those so I have said no to invitations for that. I got invited to a football game, didn't want to go to that either because what if the people around me are drinking. My favorite band is in town, but I am not allowing myself that opportunity. Guess what this reminds me folks? Trying to live my life drinking all the time. I wouldn't go to any function in which I couldn't get wasted. In both cases, I am sitting at home, feeling a little sorry for myself that I "can't" participate in any of this.

Fear is getting the better of me here. I went out to dinner on Wednesday in which my guest ordered a beer. I ordered a diet soda and we talked for 3 hours straight. Was that beer on the table a distraction to me? No. Did I jump across the table to try to drink it? No. Someone spilled a beer in the elevator, did I jump to the ground and try to lick it up? No. This behavior is exactly what I am expecting of myself. Or I am assuming I am weak enough in my own recovery to not to be able to handle that. Well, guess what, I did. Not everyone in the world approached the alcohol the way I do. I just don't believe that I can exclude myself from so many experiences because of my problem. Being in recovery is about learning a new way to live without my substance of choice. I think it would be fun to go to a baseball game. I am thinking that I am totally capable of doing that. Who cares if the guy down the way is having a beer? My diet pop will be just fine, thank you very much.

I realized in going out on Wednesday that I was starting to shut down my world so much more than I really needed to. I still need to exercise some caution, no doubt. However, there is no need to make my scope so narrow because alcohol may or may not be present. The whole discussion in my last blog and this one were basically affirmed on Wednesday. I had this conversation with my date. He was also in agreement with me about creating a small world for myself or creating such a strict environment that I may act out with a sense of rebellion because I am quarantined to certain activities. I did share that my real issue with the whole deal is that I just miss being able to drink. For the most part, it is becoming a perfect way to throw myself a pity party. No wonder many of my evenings are spend alone. I was trying to live by a ridge set of rules. I couldn't even come up with any ideas of what to do other than clean my house and watch TV. Oddly, that was exactly the agenda when I was drinking.

I have really learned a lot in the past two weeks. I am going to be making the effort to reintroduce myself to some activities I have put on the "DO NOT DO" list. Not sure what that will exactly be at this moment. I am so dang busy with life right now, I may need to wait until the break to explore. In the meanwhile, I will continue to working on gaining more confidence in myself. I think I have denied myself a lot of credit. I have started to let fear be the guiding force. Remember what GI JOE used to say in our Saturday morning cartoons? "Knowing is half the battle...."

Peace peep....J

Happy Sober Birthday! #3 - Is Sobriety Easier Now?
Today marks my 3rd year of sobriety. I went to the office of my old boss who was in charge when I went into treatment both times in 2010. I told her it was my sober birthday to which she asked me how long it has been. When I answered 3 years she suddenly stopped looking at her email and turned around. She said "Really? It's been that long? Does it get easier?" I blurted out "yes, it does get easier"....which after thinking for a while about I am not sure this is necessarily so. It definitely changes over time, but easy is not a word often associated with recovery, getting sober or stopping addictive behavior.

As far as alcohol goes, my recovery is running pretty smoothly at the moment. So, in this sense it does feel easier than say 2 years and 11 months ago when the whole world felt like it was falling apart and I was just angry and annoyed all the time. At the three year marker, I am still experiencing many things for the "first time sober" which causes some anxiousness in me. I believe this to be truly healthy. If I ever believe for one second that I am greater than the power of alcohol, I am a goner. Relapse city, don't pass go, go straight back to treatment, addiction is winning. In these new situations, I struggle at times. I feel as though it takes me longer to figure out how I want to react or if I reacted, did I do it correctly? Did I get the outcome I was looking for? As with anything new, the answer is usually "no" as I am still in somewhat of a learning curve regarding life on sober terms.

As my sobriety time continues to accrue, I don't think I will ever say that I find this whole process easy. It just seems to change and morph over time. My challenges change, my priority change, my distress tolerance changes. I have been inclined to tell people that after 12 months of sober, everything changed and "it got easier". The depression certain had lifted so that "felt" easier. The cravings were not nearly as strong, so again, that was easier. After glancing back at years two and three of this blog, yeah, I am not so sure it got easier after the first year at all. Instead of just barely holding on, I now had to turn my focus to rebuilding my life and getting to know myself again. "Know Thyself"....so much easier said than done at times! The shift in the goal in this phase of my recovery definitely had ups and downs; however, I had significantly more ups than downs so the whole recovery process felt less intense. It can be taxing at times, to figure out who I am, what am I and what should I do when I grow up? Wait a minute, how do I grow up? I am missing about 14 years of life here....gotta make those years up and quickly! Fortunately, life has a way of dumping lots of challenges my way in order to keep that process moving at a brisk pace.

As far as the nicotine goes, OK people, I have to fess up. It's not going very well at all. The first 11 days were a breeze! Yeah! Easy peasy. Why was I scared of quitting? Then, stress, craving, addicted thinking all sort of got in the way. I am disappointed in my progress thus far. I am letting my addictive mind get the best of me and I am just caving in without a fight at all since, on some level, I feel I can do whatever I want. I want to smoke, so it shall be....ugh. I am going to have to regroup on this one and maybe up my support by actually enrolling in the phone program and get some additional support. Since 07/15/2013, I have smoked 8 cigarettes which is definitely a significant improvement, but I know, deep down, this is an all or nothing ordeal. I can't "almost quit". I will be back smoking a pack every couple of days in no time if I keep the door open as I have in this past month. Have to be honest as this is part of my program. I just don't like having to admit that I am struggling. What an interesting reminder as to the beginning of my sobriety from alcohol. Same "confidence" regarding my desire to quit, sailing through the first couple of weeks thinking these were so easy, falling off of the wagon and never really making it back on for quite some time. The cycle is repeating itself!!! Boooo for addiction!!!!

I got some work ahead of me now. But for the next couple of days, I am going to focus on the celebration around this birthday. My mom is going with me to my old home group in Minneapolis to get my medallion. I have the most supportive mom out there when it comes to this! How truly grateful and lucky I always feel about this in my life! We are going to bum around for the day, check out some sights, etc. Then on Sunday my sister and I are going to participate in the Challenge Addiction 5K in St. Paul. What fantastic days I have ahead of me. My favorite people in the world are my family. My addiction really strained my family and it just makes me to invigorated to have them by my side. I am happy they know the truth. I am happy that I can be honest. Most of all, I am just glad that when I spend time with my family now that it is quality time. I am not distracted by thoughts of needing to get home and drink or barely making it through a function because I am hungover. I never would have thought 4 years ago that I would be here sober, nor would I have expected my mom to be by my side get a medallion, nor would I have thought my sister and I would be participating in a 5K together - challenging addiction. My niece and nephew (my super favorite little people) will be at the finish line for us. I just don't think it can get any better than that!

I had a record month on this blog. 1,100+ reads in the past 30 days. You guys are amazing out there and I appreciate your continued support of this blog.

Much peace & happiness to everyone tonight!

​I have had a few close friends ask me if I had relapsed since I seemed to have a couple of major issues going on in the past several months. I started thinking, hmmmm, why didn't I relapse. Not because I want to....just curious about why my mind didn't go down this path. My first thought "WHO CARES?? I didn't!". I just wanted to spend a little time dissecting something that went very right for a change!


There are times that I fantasize about alcohol playing a different role in my life - mainly a positive role.  I think maybe some day I could have the "glory" days back. However, I have really come to terms and maybe really accept that this will never be possible. Maybe even down deeper I know that I never really had any glory days with alcohol. I thought I enjoyed my time but in reality, the situation was far different. If I were to pick up a drink right now, the only feelings that come to mind are shame, guilt, annoyance, failure, sadness and hopelessness. I am not thinking that I would feel better, it would lift my spirits, etc. No matter how bad I felt in the past 2 months, taking a sip would feel 1,000x worse.


I had some really vivid using dreams about 3 weeks back. I woke up in a panic and feeling ashamed. Even in my dreams I wasn't having fun. Maybe these feelings and dreams are my subconscious battling it out while I get my beauty sleep. But even here now, I feel like my sober mind has control of the situation. If my addict mind were winning, I would wake up thinking, dang I was having some fun, let me try to relive that dream in reality and see what happens.


I am saddened that my school is on hold for the semester. If I drank, I would be out for 2 years. In MN the law states that drug and alcohol counselors must be free from substance abuse issued for 2 years or more. In the event of a relapse, the clock starts over and I would not be able to practice or attend school to practice for 2 years. My addict mind thought at times, well no one would need to know about it right? Well, I suppose but I have been trying to be honest in my daily activities and I think I would be so guilty and remorseful if I didn't turn myself in. Additionally, I still have my current career in which the public is entitled to a sober, competent nurse. I spend many years not being at my best and I had to claw my way out of the trenches to get here. Was that battle for nothing? Was I just faking it? Did I not mean what I said? A drink just isn't worth it.


I felt so depressed when my medications were not working correctly. When I was studying about the biology of addiction, I learned that the way the chemical interact with the brain create anxiety and depression. If I drank, I would feel more anxious and depressed AND feel guilty and hopeless and annoyed and worthless AND not have the opportunity to be a stimulating environment of school or work that make me happy. Nope, not desire to run down that road again. While I had indicated that I was having some suicidal ideation with the medication change, I was feeling perplexed by the thoughts since I am not interested in hurting myself or others. I am not interested in ending my life. I got things to do and places to be. If I introduce alcohol here, I would no longer be confused, I would starting planning the next steps. Again, this is not proving to be a reason to relapse.


I graduated after 33 months of intense monitoring from the nursing board. I am FREE! I can do whatever I want, right? I did my time. (Quite frankly, all I really want is a lemon poppy seed muffin....) I feared the day of my completion. In my mind, the only thing keeping me sober was this accountability. Right? Well, apparently not, it's been 10 days and there have been no trips to the local liquor store or the local bar. If I took that first drink, I would be obligated to report myself and go through the program all over again. That is what I would look forward to now that I am "free"....Yeah, I did my time and for that I am grateful. My new inspired goal is to never have to enroll again. Not drinking is pretty helpful there.


So, why else didn't I relapse? I don't drink because I love my niece, nephew and my whole immediately family. I want them to be proud of the life I am leading. I want to be a role model and I want to be there with them and for them. I don't drink because I don't want to feel lonely again. I like spending time alone but I am by no means lonely. I have a cell phone full of numbers and group of loving friends. I don't drink because I don't want to be sick and tired all the time. No doubt I am tired, but I am always tired. When I was drinking I was to the point of sleeping at my desk, unable to keep my eyes open with a throbbing headache. Yeah, that was no fun.


Most importantly, I don't drink anymore because my life depends on it. Since I am addicted to alcohol, I will never start back at the beginning. When addicts relapse, we manage to down further and faster than ever. I will die from alcohol if I drink again. I will either die from an overdose, an alcohol-induce psychosis that will lead to my death or some other unfortunate scenario of liver disease or drunk driving. Is any of this worth trying to decide if I can have my glory days back?


Back in the day, I feared accepting some of these facts. "It's so extreme....I am different....I make better decisions....." Nope. I have the disease of alcoholism. I am currently in full remission but I am still chemically dependent. I will remain in full remission as long as I do not pick up that first drink. That is my job and I did my job when the going got tough. I am proud that drinking never crossed my mind and I am even prouder that I can write this entry about why. Some days it's just as important to why things are working. It's working because I am making a daily commitment to my sobriety. The decision has become automatic in the morning. What more could I ask for?


Peace out!
J

A few months ago, I was having a discussion with a family member of a newly sober spouse. She was having a hard time understanding why he was acting the way that he was. He was as miserable as when he was drinking and he was irritable, cranky, annoyed and depressed. "Nothing has changed..." was her comment to me. Well, some things have changed but she is kinda right, the mood and outlook on life don't change immediately. It's call Post Acute Withdrawal (PAWs) and it will make a person think that their drug of choice HAS to be a better alternative to living like this. I went through PAWs three times, I get it.

On a chemical, neurological level, the brain has been altered by the introduction of a substance. I will stick with alcohol because I know this one best. Most substances including alcohol work on the dopamine in the brain. This is the brain chemical that makes us happy! So, most substances increase the amount of dompaine available in the brain, giving a "high/euphoria" that a person has never felt before. Without the substance a person would never feel like this because the brain is not wired to create dopamine levels this high. The first high is always the best because it is a virgin unaltered brain. With every subsequent use of the drug, the brain is trying to get itself back into homeostasis (somewhere in the middle). I introduce alcohol, I start getting high but my brain has already started to decrease the normal amount of dopamine made trying to get back to center. Hence, I am not as "high" as I was last time. Ever heard the "chasing the high"? It's true. Very very true.

So, what happens when we stop using. Well, although the brain has an amazing ability to repair, it takes time. After the initial phase of acute withdrawal is complete, the PAWs will start to set in. The brain literally feels like it is dying now because the dopamine levels are so low. I was irritable, cranky, annoyed, depressed, listless. I even said to myself in to my first 60 days of sobriety the first time around "Holy crap, if I am going to feel this bad, I should just drink, at least I had something to cope with.....". PAWs lasted for about 12 months for me. I have heard figures as low as 6 months and as long as 18 months for the brain to stabilize itself again. I suppose it does matter how long the use has been going on and what drugs were being used.

The first year of sobriety is a mine field because of PAWs. The brain is trying it's hardest to ramp up the chemicals again, the addict brain just has total free reign and a person like me who enjoys the immediate gratification of getting high has to figure out something else to do. I relapsed a total of 6 times in my first 6 months of trying to be sober. I had learned about PAWs in my first treatment but didn't give it much attention because I was feeling pretty decent and I was also taking antidepressants. In reality, my antidepressants didn't give me the full effect until after a year. I think they functioned as a weak bridge until I got to a year.

At six months of continued sobriety, I started DBT. I was amazed when I started because I was the only one with substance abuse issues. Others in the group suffered from anxiety, depression, bipolar, personality disorders. I connected with the depression and the anxiety folks pretty quickly. I have that as well. However, it only took about 2 sessions before I identified with every illness in that room. I felt like I was crazy at time. I forgot stuff all the time. It took me longer to respond in normal conversations. I felt like I was in a daze. Nothing felt fun or of interest. I was really irritable and snapped at people a lot of the time. DBT was exactly what I needed at that point to start to deal with these behaviors. In my individual DBT sessions, we really worked through these symptoms in the context of PAWs. It's expected, but that is not a license to go out and be a big jerk until my brain has returned to its normal state.

If you ever hear people in early recovery talk about 90 in 90 (90 meetings in 90 days), part of that is really related to the PAWs symptoms going on. People have greater success of staying sober if they are fully engaged in meetings and connecting with a fellowship. When I started reading the research around success post treatment, the 90 in 90 along with engagement with treatment services for 18 months increased the likelihood of sobriety at 1 year, 2 year and 5 year. Our current insurance situation does not really allow this to happen except for the 90 in 90. I believe that MN is one of the most active AA areas in the nation if not the world. We have a HUGE fellowship in MN. In fact, I can't tell you how many people have met at AA meetings who have moved from other states to MN to try to remain sober. I am spoiled, the network is vast and encompassing.

I was very privileged to have stay engaged in counseling, DBT and other services because of my nursing license and monitoring requirements. I wish that everyone would have the opportunity to engage in any services that would help support recovery including sober living, DBT, individual therapy, trauma services, mental health services, intensive long-term treatment. I played the lottery last week and decided that if I had won (which I did not...booooo) I would love to set up scholarship funds at treatment centers to give long-term treatment and support to all kinds of people, especially families. Well, I will keep playing the lottery about every 3 months like I normally do and hope someday that I can set something like this up!

Anyway, PAWs is real and it is probably the hardest time in recovery. I know it was for me. Fortunately, I am well past this point and had the opportunity to get through it with a lot of support.

Hope everyone had a good Memorial Day weekend. Bless all those who have been, are and will be in the armed forces. Thank you for your service.

Peace out

I was having a conversation with one of the clinical folks at my school. He does several presentations weekly about spirituality to newcomers to the AA/Al-non system. He told me that my Higher Power has always been working in my life, I was just too busy to notice when I was using. I think that to be pretty accurate. Today was one of those Higher Power moment. I think I was just getting too caught up in the future and my Higher Power found a sneaky way to get me back to the present.

With the change of the semesters coming up, it has been difficult to stay in the present. Today while I was in class, the presenter asked for 8 volunteers to do a family therapy demonstration. Normally I really don't like the conflict in these settings, but since these people were fellow students and we had some guidelines to run by, I thought it might not be so bad. I don't mind volunteering for most of the demonstration. It is part of the goals for myself to be more willing to stretch myself and put myself in uncomfortable situations. I picked a winner tonight!

So when we were outside of the classroom assigning relationships,etc, I got volunteered to be a therapist in this situation. I had no idea what I was really supposed to be doing, but I figured it would be like an individual therapy session to some degree and I can certainly hold my ground and at least ask some questions. Well, with a family of six sitting in front of me, my fellow classmates let it rip and started arguing with each other. I imagine this could be a pretty typical presentation in a family situation. The presenter didn't seem to be to concerned.

For the first time, I just had no idea what to do. When the group quieted down enough for the therapists to talk, I had no clue! There was this problem and that problem. Do I point out the relationship issues I am currently detecting. What the hell am I supposed to be doing??

Why I believe my Higher Power put me there at that moment, was to get me out of planning my life after school. I have been plugging along and I have pretty much my grades where I want them to be. I am excited to have this semester finished. I have lofty thoughts of what I want to do when this is all over. I look at jobs daily and do research about PhD programs or private practice. Well, guess what, I can dream and love the future all I want, but I need to be here, right now, to actually learn stuff!! I don't think I was getting arrogant to think that I know it all, I think I was depending on next semester to be more relevant to me right now. I am glad that my HP was able to sent me a little hint.

I have to admit that I was pretty proud of myself for not totally panicking in that situation. I grab a few people after the class and mentioned how uncomfortable I felt. They did too! Whew! When I said something in the class about this, the presenter told me that I was personalizing the awkwardness of the family. I think I actually disagree, I think I was feeling uncomfortable about not having the instinct to know what to do. I haven't spend any time learning about family therapy so this was coming out of left field as far as I was concerned.

I have also realized in the past two weeks, so much about this family dynamic. We talked to today about how an addict can disrupt the whole family system, so much so that the family system almost becomes dependent on the addict to stay sick. The patterns around the addict are just like the addicts pattern around the drug. I saw this very clearly in my clinical placement last week.

What I am still trying to grasp is how this situation is for the parents of an addict. I don't have children so this is just all speculation on my side. If I did have a child who became an addict, I think you could give me all the education in the world and I would probably still function in the same "save the person" role. It appears to be that the generation behind me is coming in with more opiate abuse along with benzodiazapine abuse as well. Alcohol will certainly kill, so I am not downplaying the struggles of alcohol addiction. But what remains different with the opiate and benzo population is that people are DYING. They are literally walking out the door, relapsing in 2-3 days and overdosing. I think parents of an addict tend to be very aware of that since all you have to do is open up the paper or watch the news and there is likely coverage on the topic.

So, as a parent, what do you do if you child is so wrapped up in benzos, meth and opiates and the addict doesn't quite grasp that this is a life or death situation. The chances of them dying on an overdose is HUGE right after treatment or 3-6 months of sobriety. Possibly the only reason they haven't died is because the parents are stepping in. Wouldn't you though, if this were your child? I would feel such empathy for parents if they expressed to me that they could not just "give up" on their child or see their child die because this time they were not their to save them.

What I know and understand of the addict side of things is that recovery is only possible if I have the right type of motivation. Whether this is internal or external, it doesn't really matter. Originally, I was externally motivated by the monitoring program - stay sober or lose your license. Since then I have become internally motivated to have a quality sober life, and so on. I was talking with a mother of addict recently and she was carrying the burden of all this child's anxiety and distress. I see an opportunity to start getting healthy by not taking on his emotional issues, but she looked me straight in the eye and told me there was no way she was going to set the boundaries that this program was suggesting. It was too much and she would feel too guilty to sit on the sidelines and watch him die. If he did die under her watch at least she would have the knowledge that she did everything possible to try to save him.

I think about her a lot since I have met her. I know what the "right" thing to say is. She is totally enmeshed with this kid. He is old enough to be on his own and make his decisions. She needs to step way back and let him hit his bottom without her assistance. She needs to kick him out of the house, etc. But looking at the pain in her eyes, it was hard to tell her what I know to be the way to get the addict to stop. What if she did do this? What would her life be all about if he got into recovery? If she doesn't find some form of recovery, she, herself, could be a huge relapse trigger. She is literally addicted to him. Let's look at the criteria for dependence to a substance:
1. Tolerance -  Parent become tolerant of their addict - "next time I am not going to bail him out of jail..." Next time comes, parents post bail. "I would never let him back in my house if he stole money...." He pawned all the jewelry and he still lives with you....
2. Withdrawal - The kid is in treatment and she is still calling him 3 times a day and she can't handle that he is having a difficult time in treatment. She is attempting to visit or call at every minute. If he calls another family member, she will contact the other family member for an update.
3. Larger Amount of Substance Used than Intended: A parent will "only search on the streets" until 9pm. Then 10pm rolls around...now it is midnight. "Tomorrow I am not going to do this.." Back out on the streets at 5pm.
4. Persistent or Unsuccessful Attempt to Stop or Reduce: Parents will promise other family members that they will not do certain rituals around the addict like searching for them on the streets. They do it anyway. The parents, like us addicts, yell, "I can't do this anymore!" yet we find ourselves back in the same spot the next day.
5. A Great Deal of Time is Spent Getting, Using or Recovering from Substance: Ever seen an addict's mother? She is totally exhausted, thinking 24 hours a day about what to do. There are sleepless night and panic attacks. There may be frequent trips to the ER or the doctor to manage anxiety.
6.Important Social, Occupational or Family obligations are reduced or given up because of the Substance: Ever heard of a parent losing their job because they were constantly calling in sick? What about the other children in that family, do you think they are getting quality time with the parents?
7. Use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by use: The parents might not know that hanging too close to the addict is causing all the problems or exacerbating the problems within the family construct. Once they are provided education though, they are aware that not changing their behavior as well can be detrimental.

I honestly think a lot of family member would not like to look at themselves as an addict in this situation since the addict has nearly destroyed their sanity. I find the whole concept to be very true. It is an interesting dynamic to contemplate. I am particularly interested in this topic now since I think the whole family needs treatment when there is addiction present. I have known alcoholism and addiction to be considered a family disease. I just don't think I ever fully understood to the extent this affects the family system.

Anywho, just had a lot of thoughts on the drive home. I still haven't titled this blog at this point. I am not sure I intended to right this entry with a purpose in mind. I will figure out something soon!

Good night all,

With this weekend retreat that I just completed, the concept of Beginner's Mind was very key. Our presenter wove this concept into just about everything we were doing without outright saying it. The retreat was about meditation mainly. I have to admit, I was a little surprise when we didn't actually meditate together. He taught us some hints and tips about how to sit and how to prepare to meditate. We had lots of candid conversations of our issues with meditation. Here are my issues:

1. I can never keep my mind quiet, I am always wondering and wandering
2. I have ringing in my ears and it seems louder when I try to meditate - makes it annoying so I stop
3. I kinda, sort of don't really believe that meditation does much, at least for me. I never feel like there is an enlightenment of any kind or a spiritual connection
4. I drink far too much caffeine and eat to much sugar to stay still

For all the reasons I mentioned above, I need to meditate. When people in the group were throwing out similar complaints and reasons, he just told us to keep an open mind. Really, we have nothing to lose by trying, right? I am not scared of meditation per se, but there is something that keeps me from it, like maybe it would help more than I expect it would. He mentioned to me that if I make that judgement call and close my mind to the idea, I am more likely to go out of my way to make it not work for me so that I am right. This statement sort of blew my mind. It really didn't have much to do about meditation at that point, it had something to do with how I run my life. 

I know, for a fact, I am 100% judgmental. In fact, when I was in DBT, we talked about judgmental thinking. It closes our minds to the possibilities. I was supposed to track my judgments for a week and report the following week what happened. One of my classmates went out and bought a clicker so she could count her judgments. She came back the following week and told the class that "this stupid ticker only went up to 999, I hit that in two days." I am so glad she was so honest. I'm sure I was right up there with her. This judgmental stance is a habit along with a defense mechanism. I use it to keep a distance between myself and others. I don't trust people right away and if they rub me the wrong way, I will make a judgment AND try everything in my power to justify that judgment. I am going out of my way to prove that I am right.

I am almost lost out on some really great friendships because of my judgments. I am grateful to those who broke this down and proved I was totally wrong. That is when my ego gets in the way or I put myself in a place of denial that I ever felt that way about the person. As far as the habit part of this goes, I am in a nasty, ugly habit of judging almost everything I see. Examples: I see an email from someone that I did something wrong at work - I assume they are a total idiot and I didn't do anything wrong. I sat in our group at the retreat and saw a younger person there, I assumed that she must be there because she was forced to go - this is for more mature people, not young adults. A person that I had relatively little contact with for several years came back into my life - a much happier/stable individual. I had assumed with instability as a personal disorder and her subsequent happiness to be BiPolar. Why do I never think "judge not lest ye be judged"?!?!

The concept of Beginner's Mind is to always remain in the non-expert mode of life. Never believe you know everything about anything because you close your mind to new possibilities. Judgments are such a huge way to close the mind to the world at large. I have now made my judgement of you, I have the final say, done! I am slowing realizing that I need some more work in this area. The habit is still a piece of it but I would have to say it is more to do with defenses. I am not always the most willing and open-minded person in areas of my life. Because I have opened my mind to recovery, I believe I am getting better there. Other places, not so much. I had a field day of judgments when I sat down in classes last semester. In my mind, I was picking out which people I might like, which people wouldn't make it and who I thought was too young to be there or not knowledgeable to be there. Holy cow, when did I become the admissions coordinator to the grad school?! Again, I nearly closed myself off from friends and study buddies because of this. I still find myself quite distant from my cohort. I don't like group projects and I don't like studying in groups. I get annoyed with easily and filled with judgments. 

I think I need to go back and do some more soul searching about judgments. I feel like I was more open and willing a year ago than I am today. My eyes were opened at this retreat. As I am moving forward in my career, I need to be able to bypass some of these judgments. I need to hold close to my heart that everyone is fighting a battle. Each person deserves respect and dignity. Interestingly, I was able to do this more the most part with my patients as a nurse. I have guiding ethical principles in my career and personally to never treat someone differently as a nurse even if I don't particularly care for them on a personal level. I am a nurse and I have a job to do and duties to perform. Every patient will get that from me. Maybe that is why I have so many personal judgments. They are all pent up from work....

All in all, I think my judgments lead me to believe that I am an expert in certain areas of life. This can be a dangerous position. If I already know everything there is and have an opinion about every last aspect of life, what more can I possibly learn. I am only 36 years old. I really know very little. I lived almost half of my years under the grips of alcoholism, I don't know that I was learning much about life other than to make it miserable for myself. I guess that is why I was interested in writing a blog. I have a long way in this journey and I was hoping by writing that I would discover more and learn something from my fellow bloggers and readers. I most certainly have which makes me think it is kinda lame to be so judgmental all the time (that was a judgment against myself by the way). But, like GI Joe said "knowing is 1/2 the battle". Time to do some working on willingness.

Keep a Beginner's Mind!