Happy Sober Birthday! #3 - Is Sobriety Easier Now?

Happy Sober Birthday! #3 - Is Sobriety Easier Now?
Today marks my 3rd year of sobriety. I went to the office of my old boss who was in charge when I went into treatment both times in 2010. I told her it was my sober birthday to which she asked me how long it has been. When I answered 3 years she suddenly stopped looking at her email and turned around. She said "Really? It's been that long? Does it get easier?" I blurted out "yes, it does get easier"....which after thinking for a while about I am not sure this is necessarily so. It definitely changes over time, but easy is not a word often associated with recovery, getting sober or stopping addictive behavior.

As far as alcohol goes, my recovery is running pretty smoothly at the moment. So, in this sense it does feel easier than say 2 years and 11 months ago when the whole world felt like it was falling apart and I was just angry and annoyed all the time. At the three year marker, I am still experiencing many things for the "first time sober" which causes some anxiousness in me. I believe this to be truly healthy. If I ever believe for one second that I am greater than the power of alcohol, I am a goner. Relapse city, don't pass go, go straight back to treatment, addiction is winning. In these new situations, I struggle at times. I feel as though it takes me longer to figure out how I want to react or if I reacted, did I do it correctly? Did I get the outcome I was looking for? As with anything new, the answer is usually "no" as I am still in somewhat of a learning curve regarding life on sober terms.

As my sobriety time continues to accrue, I don't think I will ever say that I find this whole process easy. It just seems to change and morph over time. My challenges change, my priority change, my distress tolerance changes. I have been inclined to tell people that after 12 months of sober, everything changed and "it got easier". The depression certain had lifted so that "felt" easier. The cravings were not nearly as strong, so again, that was easier. After glancing back at years two and three of this blog, yeah, I am not so sure it got easier after the first year at all. Instead of just barely holding on, I now had to turn my focus to rebuilding my life and getting to know myself again. "Know Thyself"....so much easier said than done at times! The shift in the goal in this phase of my recovery definitely had ups and downs; however, I had significantly more ups than downs so the whole recovery process felt less intense. It can be taxing at times, to figure out who I am, what am I and what should I do when I grow up? Wait a minute, how do I grow up? I am missing about 14 years of life here....gotta make those years up and quickly! Fortunately, life has a way of dumping lots of challenges my way in order to keep that process moving at a brisk pace.

As far as the nicotine goes, OK people, I have to fess up. It's not going very well at all. The first 11 days were a breeze! Yeah! Easy peasy. Why was I scared of quitting? Then, stress, craving, addicted thinking all sort of got in the way. I am disappointed in my progress thus far. I am letting my addictive mind get the best of me and I am just caving in without a fight at all since, on some level, I feel I can do whatever I want. I want to smoke, so it shall be....ugh. I am going to have to regroup on this one and maybe up my support by actually enrolling in the phone program and get some additional support. Since 07/15/2013, I have smoked 8 cigarettes which is definitely a significant improvement, but I know, deep down, this is an all or nothing ordeal. I can't "almost quit". I will be back smoking a pack every couple of days in no time if I keep the door open as I have in this past month. Have to be honest as this is part of my program. I just don't like having to admit that I am struggling. What an interesting reminder as to the beginning of my sobriety from alcohol. Same "confidence" regarding my desire to quit, sailing through the first couple of weeks thinking these were so easy, falling off of the wagon and never really making it back on for quite some time. The cycle is repeating itself!!! Boooo for addiction!!!!

I got some work ahead of me now. But for the next couple of days, I am going to focus on the celebration around this birthday. My mom is going with me to my old home group in Minneapolis to get my medallion. I have the most supportive mom out there when it comes to this! How truly grateful and lucky I always feel about this in my life! We are going to bum around for the day, check out some sights, etc. Then on Sunday my sister and I are going to participate in the Challenge Addiction 5K in St. Paul. What fantastic days I have ahead of me. My favorite people in the world are my family. My addiction really strained my family and it just makes me to invigorated to have them by my side. I am happy they know the truth. I am happy that I can be honest. Most of all, I am just glad that when I spend time with my family now that it is quality time. I am not distracted by thoughts of needing to get home and drink or barely making it through a function because I am hungover. I never would have thought 4 years ago that I would be here sober, nor would I have expected my mom to be by my side get a medallion, nor would I have thought my sister and I would be participating in a 5K together - challenging addiction. My niece and nephew (my super favorite little people) will be at the finish line for us. I just don't think it can get any better than that!

I had a record month on this blog. 1,100+ reads in the past 30 days. You guys are amazing out there and I appreciate your continued support of this blog.

Much peace & happiness to everyone tonight!