If you ever had the opportunity to see a documentary about the life of Albert Einstein, I highly recommend it. The guy was amazingly weird. It's no wonder that AA adopted such a pertinent quote for someone that wasn't quite right like the rest of us addicts!

I am so very grateful to be done with school. Very very glad. I think I may have underestimated the amount of stress school was creating in my life. All in all, however, I have to admit that I am extremely lucky to have had the opportunity to go back to school, continue to work for an organization that I have a lot of loyalty to and get to do some of the things I really like to do. 

I didn't take a whole lot of time off, but I did take a few days to get my home back in order. I spent several hours cleaning and doing laundry. Never underestimate the power of a clean home! I went back to work and started back right where I left which is kinda nice. There was no learning something new, actually teaching other stuff I already know. Teaching is one of my favorite things to do. 

So, back in my high school years, one of the most memorable and favorite things I ever did was participate in speech. I competed in the original oratory group. Best place ever - I get to talk about whatever I want to a group of captive people who can't leave. They have to listen to me argue a point without saying anything to the contrary. Yup, best ever. A special shout out to fellow Prepster Speech Team members who read my blog - yeah, we rocked it.....

Since that time, I have always seen myself up on a stage talking. It is something that I have always wanted to do. Over the years, I just have not been in the right place to be doing something like that. I got a little taste of that again when I started going to AA meetings and having the opportunity to talk in front of groups about my testimony and what addiction has meant to me. I think that experience is what attracted me to consider going for my master's in addiction studies. I have talked in past blog that I really feel like there is something big for me in this field. When I think about that, I see myself on a stage....educating, changing a life in the room, making a difference with advocating for treatment and letting people know that recovery is possible. 

During my internship, the counselor I worked under did not care to the do the lectures. Usually they were scheduled twice a month to speak. I was super excited about the prospect of presenting. while he was just fine if someone else wanted to volunteer to speak. It was a few months before I was given a chance to present. We were sitting in a meeting and the director of the program says, "well we have an all staff meeting today. What are we going to so this afternoon with the clients?....Julie? Could you do something...you are a nurse, teach them about health or something?" Ahhh...sure? I volunteered. What's the worse that could happen? I could make a total ass of out myself? I had done that for the 15 years of drinking....I would just have to do it sober and deal with it! I put a 60 minute presentation together in 2 hours and went on my way to present. I got lucky - most people are fascinated by what I have to say about health and addiction. I show them what is happening to them when they use, what happens when they stop and what is going to happen to them if they don't stop. I had a lot of audience participation and people coming up to me afterwards asking more questions. It a way, it's kinda what I dreamt about. 

I was invited to come back after I was done with my internship to speak at a family night this week. I worked for about two weeks on my powerpoint. I thought I would spend all this time preparing, but I was the one who made the powerpoint and choose the topic so I thought, I will just talk when I get up there and see what happens. The topic of my presentation "Are you Addicted to Your Addict?" I used the diagnostic criteria we use as clinicians to diagnose addiction and flipped it over to the family. So, for example:
Criteria #5: In addiction: Persistent desire OR one or more unsuccessful attempts to cut down or control use

• Using beer instead of hard liquor
• Trying to only use on the weekends
• Marijuana maintenance program (fellow alcoholics know what this means....)

Criteria #5: For Family: Persistent desire OR one or more unsuccessful attempts to control or stop the use of the addict in your life

• As the family member, you dispense the drugs to the addict to try to control use - lock up opiates, moderate alcohol intake
• Drive the addict to the bar to prevent drunk driving
• Begging an pleading with the addict to stop/reduce use

So, all together there are seven criteria we use to diagnose addicts in the DSM-4. (I still need to get up in the DSM 5 - I will, I will....my Mom was kind enough to get me the book for Christmas this year!) I took each of the criteria and flipped it over to the family members. My point was to show the family why it is that they need to get into their own recovery. Their behavior has become out of control and in the recovery, both the family and the addict have to change. 

I made the comment to a few people that this was the first time I had presented this one. I got such tremendous feedback and I stuck around for 2 hours after the fact to answer questions. Yup, this is what I wanted to do and this is what I wanted to be. A person with knowledge about a topic that can reach out to others and open their eyes to something new. I have this opportunity with my part-time job to not only present but be PAID to present! AHAHAHAHAHHA......now all those times of annoyance and stress with school seem totally worth it. I have credibility because I am in recovery, however, I have even more because I am an educated addictions specialist. Whoa....I think I kinda blew my own mind. 

I had expected at this point that everything would be status quo - get a job, earn some money, do something new, keep learning. While all of this is happening for sure, I like I rekindled the little flame I had when I went into this. I think I had lost my flame for a while and was struggling to continue to push through with that flame hidden. Well, talk about throwing some gasoline on that fire now. I have a much stronger burning desire. When I first started nursing school, I had this vision of standing with a patient and providing education and  help when it was needed. About 2 years in, it dawned on me, "hey! I am actually doing this....right now..." I remember feeling so conflicted at the time because I was drinking so heavily and I blamed it on not doing what I wanted to do or being good at what I did. I realized that I was doing well but I was just miserable because of the drinking. I didn't have the opportunity to appreciate the blessing I had in working with others. Well, this time around, it was exactly a week after school was done, I experienced the same moment - me, on a stage, reaching out and touching lives while educating them about something I am extremely passionate about. And what a moment it was. 

I had over a dozen people compliment me or come and ask me questions about this presentation. I could answer with such confidence. I knew exactly what I was talking about. I didn't have a moment of nervousness. I just talked and had a conversation with 80 people about addiction and family dynamics. They were glued to the presentation and the clients told me they liked the way I presented it because now their family member "get it". The family members were able to understand some of the symptoms their addicts were experiencing. I talked at length with a woman about her husband and her child - both suffering from alcoholism. I did not have to offer any advice, she just wanted to tell me that it was nice to know that she wasn't alone. We talked about fellowship and the power of others. 

In this profession, I feel like I provide hope. I don't provide answers. I don't tell you exactly what to do. I want to welcome you in the door and help you find hope. You can recover and I can show you the way people have achieved this and assist you with finding the path that suits your needs. I can listen and provide to support the family who is suffering from addiction as well. I can provide hope that the family can be healthy again too. I will never tell you it will be easy but I will tell you that it can be done. And, at the end of the day, I believe in you. I have this little rush of adrealine as I write this tonight. I feel like I saw a glimmer of hope for me too. It is always wonderful to have lofty dream. At times in my life I set that bar too high and wound up disappointed. Not this time. I thought this idea of talking on stage was a pipe dream. I may not be packing the Xcel Center just yet, but reaching out to 20, 30, or 80 people and offer nothing but a message of hope and recovery this week might have just made my Top 5 of greatest things I have experienced. 

I am currently in the last week of my internship which will be completed on Friday. I finished up with semester classes on Monday. Guess what? It's almost over...this journey of trial and error, success and failures. It's done, well in 48 hours, it will all be done. 

I haven't been the most model student for the past two semesters. I found myself taking advantage of relaxed policies and lack of consequences for my behavior. I am, however, finishing strong. What I had completed in the past 2 weeks was what I used to do. I didn't want to go to class or to work or to my internship and I did anyway. There was no arguing with myself or talking myself out of not going, I just did, whether I wanted to or not. Boy, I missed this "me". A LOT. Where did it go? More importantly, how did I get it back in case I lose is again in the future?

When my therapist and I were trying to working through these issues of noncompliance and lack of caring about much of anything, she asked me what kept me going for the past several years. There was an element of hope and excitement that I felt like I lost. I was so excited to start school and became quickly disappointed with the experience. So, I lost that drive and excitement right there. The further along in my program. the less and less competent I felt about myself choosing to become a drug & alcohol counselor. I questioned myself over and over again - did I make the right decision? If I didn't- what do I do now? 

I think if I had to do the whole process over again, I would maybe have allowed myself a little more time in recovery before I started school. I think I failed to realize the personal impact this particular master's program would have on me. I knew that I would be staring myself in the face everyday, so there was no real surprise there. Throughout the course of the academics, it became another journey to know myself. I don't think I was ready for that. My school told us in our orientation, "you are not here to become a glorified sponsor, you are here to be trained as a clinician." That didn't strike me as too odd since I hear about that same thing when I entered nursing school. The caring and kindness is the reason many of us were there, but we were there to learn a series of skills to provide specific care to individuals.

I feel like I travelled a personal journey while in nursing school. I was just naturally good at the academics in those classes. I was an absorbent sponge and sucked up every last detail I could about anything related to nursing. I found myself getting excited of having a career where I could be a kind person and get paid for it too. Sounds romantic, doesn't it? Well, a fairy tail would be a good description of what I learned the minute I graduated from nursing school. Welcome to nursing, here are your 30+ patients, you have 1 week for orientation which is little to nothing. You will pass approximately 450 pills first thing in the morning. You have no time to sit and talk with people because you just don't have the time. Sigh....it was a hard lesson and I think in the long haul it made me have a tougher skin when it comes to patient care. It's not that I don't care, I just have to be efficient and I can't do that AND be the kind a gentle person I had dreamed of being. 

I guess I sort of forgot about this experience as I entered this phase of my life. My recovery is something so deeply personal. I nearly died from alcoholism. If I were still drinking today like I was then, I would be in BIG trouble. It was the darkest secret I kept under wraps for more than 12 years. I destroyed most everything around me to keep this secret and felt a sense of reawakening when I finally got into treatment. That moment of clarity and hope is a feeling that I hod on to dearly. I never want to forget what it is like to reach out for help and when I did, I was met with 100% full and absolute support. I never want to forget what it felt like to regain hope after having lost it. I want to remain proud of what I accomplished when recovery is not what happens in so many cases of addiction.

So, maybe I had this romanticized idea of what I thought I could so in this program or with this education. I did not feel down when clients left or relapsed. I certainly never took that personally. I guess I just never understood exactly what made me so upset for the past 2 semesters. I am proud of my recovery and I will never not talk about it. It's what I live on a daily basis now. It is now intertwined into the fabric of who and what I am today. Part of the issue, I think, is that maybe my recovery wasn't at the right place just yet to engage in something so personal. I  have written in previous blogs that I feel like I have something big to offer in this field. I told myself in treatment a million times, I am never going to become a counselor. Why the heck would I want to take care of people just like me? The calling came after a year of recovery. I fy eel a constant need to continue to grow. Schooling was my next big adventure. I had always wanted my masters. Honestly, I looked at 10 other programs before actually looking into this one - MBA, MBA in healthcare administration, MA - Organizational Management, MA-Healthcare Structure, going back to RN school, etc. etc. Oddly, when it came time to fill out the applications, I could never answer the essay questions about why I was pursing this education. I wondered if they would accept "Because I want a master's degree....." and no plan beyond that. 

When I found this program, I immediately went to the essay section. Guess what, I answered all three questions in about 15 minutes. I felt driven, compelled even to get into this program. Again, because I believe I heard a calling. I still feel that calling today but the calling sometimes gets drowned out my own voice of insecurity and fear. What God did for me today was reissue that calling in a louder way than my own voice could ever overpower. The counselor that I worked under had a mini-graduation for me today. Each of my clients went around the circle and said something to me to encourage me on my journey forward. "Julie, there is such an authenticity about you...." "Every group when we come in you are smiling and it's hard to be in a bad mood...." "I feel like you are down on our level, grabbing a shovel, helping us dig through our shit..." "We are really going to miss you....." "You are just the real deal...." 13 men brought me to tears in my final group with them today. I have been plagued by my own insecurities and self-doubt to have realized that I do have an impact on these guys. I don't solve their problems, I don't rock their foundations in life, I deal in hope. Even though there were days I hated driving there, I never let them know that. I greeted them with a smile and wanted them to know that I cared even if I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I thanked them all and went home for the first time tonight feeling a sense of revival about  

I have always had a fascination with religion. I grew up in Catholic household, attended church on Sunday and once a week at my tiny Catholic school called Holy Spirit. I was confirmed and baptized as Catholic. I learned many strong lessons in this faith that have guided my sense of integrity to date. "Love they neighbor as thyself" being one of the most important lessons. Also, God is a forgiving entity  and not a vengeful God. 

In some of the very first AA meetings I went to, there was always a gentleman that introduced himself as a grateful alcoholic. I have to admit I scoffed the first few times I heard this. Who in their right mind is grateful for this mess? I finally asked him one day in a first step meeting - why are you grateful? He told me that because of his alcoholism he had the opportunity to look deep into his soul and have an understanding of himself and the world around him. Because of the 12 steps he lives a life a peace and serenity that those without a problem may never get to have.

I was watching a YouTube video tonight that got me thinking about glorifying lifestyle, glorifying drug use, etc. etc. So the video is of Onyx and Biohazard (yes, I know, how terribly 90s of me...) from a song called Judgement Night. Judgement Night is movie that came out when I was living in Austria. A guy in my group had the soundtrack with him there and I borrowed it from time to time. If you go and find that video, you might be surprised that I am listening to it. It's basically rap and it's pretty graphic. I am not exactly sure if I even like the song, it just gets stuck in my head from now and again. When I watched the video tonight, there is a sense of glorify gang lifestyle. I immediately starting thinking about all the things in my life that have seemed glorified to me, especially in the arena of drugs and alcohol. 

I hit google to find myself a nifty little picture to use for my blog and the image above came up. I had seen this picture several months ago when I got an email from one of the 1,000 drug and alcohol listserves I belong to alerting me to these shirts that were for sale through Urban Outfitters. They were asking me to sign a petition to tell this company to stop glorifying drug use and remove these shirts from the market. I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to write about tonight with regards to glorifying use, but now as I listen to more songs and YouTube and wade my way through the 1,000+ photo google spit out when I typed in "glorification of drug use pictures", I had lost my original sense of indignation I had about the topic in the beginning. 

Now, the picture of above, I don't support this at all. Kids at that age shouldn't even know what these drugs are. Xanax and Vicodin mixed together can kill you. Adderall is horribly addictive and overprescribed. Xanax, for that matter, is also overprescribed and opiates are WAYYYYY too available. Do I think they should make T-shirts glorifying these drugs....no. However, then we need to look at everything else out there. Shot glasses were a staple of my glassware collection up until about 25 when shots were a joke. How many birthday cards make some swipe about going out and getting wasted to celebrated. Oh, let's not forget all the TV shows out there like Breaking Bad and Weeds in which the foundation of the story is the drug culture. 

My original train of thought when I grabbed this topic tonight was to talk about the guys I work with right now. Most of my guys are products of the criminal justice system. Some of my guys have spent most of their adult lives incarcerated. I have guys in their late teens and early 20s with 3 different probation officers and the threat of 25+ years of jail hanging over their heads with they don't complete treatment. When they are outside of the treatment groups, these guys glorify everything from the drug use to gang affiliation over to living the life of an incarcerated individual. In my opinion, most of these guys just don't know what else to do. It's all they have ever known. They also suffer from "jail mentality" in which they are trying to assert their dominance in order to have the power. I don't look at them the same way I look at a company who distributes shirts like these. These guys are about survival. If they aren't from the jail mentality, they are certainly of a street mentality (again about survival, not about being "cool" or "awesome" like my teens to see these behaviors as). These mentalities are hard to work with because group therapy, in particular, is about developing a cohesive group of people who are willing to get vulnerable with each other and work on the core issues that keep them in this cycle. Surprisingly to me, the hardest, "years in the pen" type guys are the ones who have the power to drive change in my groups. They command respect. They get it too. You know that saying...."If Mom isn't happy, then no one is" ? The same concept applies with some of my toughest clients. If they want to change, you all better want to too....if they don't, they generally won't assert authority. They will just sleep through the process or walk out the door. So, that dude on the street with tattoos on every inch of his body and looks like he could beat someone up with his eyes? Yeah, that guy....is my greatest asset. He can drive more change than I ever could. My job becomes to manage the chaos......

After I started writing the first paragraph this blog, I was having a problem focusing so I decided to take a bath. While there, I started thinking about all the things that seemed glorified in my life. Drinking and drugs were definitely glorified in my high school experience especially when I went to Austria for a year where it was legal to drink for someone my age. And as we are all aware, no good story starts out with "While I was eating a salad.....". In my personal experience, travel abroad was something that was very glorified to me. I used to listen to the stories from the other groups coming back and thought "yeah I need to have stories like that too....". Yeah, I have some funny stories from that trip, but many of my stories are really kind of sad. Stories of severe homesickness, sadness, depression. My expectation for that trip was greatness. I saw glimpses of it. I didn't want people to know that I didn't "have the best time of life" while I was there but you would have never known that from how I talked about it. Same with my trip back to Germany a few years later. I felt that I should really like this idea of living abroad. Again, my expectations were dashed when I had almost the same experience. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be back with my friends and family. Hmmm.....

My senior in college, I was filling out an application to become a Fulbright Scholar in Germany. This would have been another year abroad. My advisor at the time was proof-reading my essay. He looked up and said "this is kinda shit for you. What's up with that?" I just shrugged my shoulders and he then asked me why I  was applying for this. "I don't know, I should because I can probably get it and people seem impressed by it." He looked at me and asked me again if I really wanted to do this and it was OK to say that I didn't. I teared up a little bit. "Julie, if you need permission, here it is. Go home. You don't have to do anything. Go home and be happy. Do you want to go home?" I never looked back again. I never ever for one minute regret my decision not to apply and go on. I have had a few people I know go and they LOVED it. That is great! I wished I would have the same experience but I just didn't. When I talk about these experiences now, people tell me how lucky I am that I got to do all that. Yes, I am, but it is wasn't right for me and it accelerated my alcoholism in the span of a few months. 

In my 20s, I glorified the hell out of alcohol use. Everything was either related to alcohol, because of alcohol or interesting because of alcohol. I never felt much out of place about this. I had a pretty active social life. Many of my friends were not married and we were all about having a good time. It was pretty easy to hide dysfunctional drinking patterns in this phase. I used the glorification of use to normalize my relationship with alcohol. I made sure that others around me had a great time while using too. Yippeee, the alcoholic does not stand alone!

Ultimately, was my use driven by the glorification of others? Others are always going to be talking about stuff. It's was I choose to listen to and choose to build my expectation of fun upon. I watch Breaking Bad - meth use is not really of all that much interest to me....Weeds - great show - doesn't make me smoke weed. I see the glorification of use from a much different lens these days. I try to help my guys see that when others are wandering around glorifying their use, they are trying to normalize it and also to assert some dominance. "I did more of this than you....You will never be as addict as me...." Blah blah blah. If you don't want to listen to it because you are trying to change, then don't. Walk away. That is their disease talking. If you engage, your brain will engage and I can bet that you will be in my office telling me that you are triggered. 

Is there too much glorification of use? Yeah, of course. My question would be is how to draw the lines in the sand about preventing it. When a prevention specialist came into one of my classes last year, I did not give her the time of day. She was talking about prevention techniques and being politically active against stuff like the Xanax shirts. I blew her off, honestly, because at that moment, I didn't believe that prevention is possible. There is nothing that anyone at any point would have told me that would have convinced me not to pick up that first drink. My Mom warned me about the strong family history of alcohol problems. I had the D.A.R.E. guy come and talk me to in the 4th grade. Nothing and I mean nothing was going to prevent that first drink. Now, that is me....there are people who can be prevented from walking down this path. The question for this blog - does attempting to stop the glorification in the media, for instance, work? How do we move to define the acceptable nature of drug use or gangs or jail. Is it OK on TV as long as we throw a disclaimer out there saying "if this were real, it's actually pretty bad?". As you can probably tell, I remain a bit on the skeptical side mainly because I lack the appropriate knowledge to make an argument other than what I know from my own life. 

Well, I hope you have all enjoyed one of my more disjointed blogs to date. Maybe in a week or two I will re-read this one and have a clearer idea of what I really wanted to say. I just know that I still glorify some of my use. It's like when my therapist was counseling me through my divorce - she said it hurts to think about the past relationship with your ex-husband because not all the memories were bad. Break ups would be a lot easier if the total relationship was crap. I agree and I still feel that way about my use. Oh, there were some good times for sure. However, at this juncture, when I look at the reality of my use and the use of others, I think of Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse. We all knew they were using...and we lost them. When I see the Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus, I see them sitting with Lindsay Lohan at some fancy treatment center in California. I see nothing fun or glamorous about their use. Maybe, now, in this 24/7 world, we don't just see the pictures of awesome fun at the party, we see the aftermath via mugshots, passing out in the bathroom, looking like crap at the end of the night. I just see the glorification of use another defense mechanism in my world. It's an attempt to minimize the impact of use and an excellent way to deflect responsibility. 

I would say about a year ago, I wrote a blog entry about self-pity and the parties I tend to throw for myself on occasion. Well, apparently I am back again asking for my pity party - table for 1 please....So, here's the deal:

Since last fall, I have been struggling with my motivation. I called in sick more for my internship last semester and this semester than I have for my combined working career of 20 years. I have been working with my personal treatment team (my primary care doctor, therapist and psychiatrist) trying to figure out what's been going on here. I have had medication adjustments, got myself a zoomy new therapy light box, found out I have low vitamin D levels and started up therapy again now that I have insurance. This has been going on, now. for about 7 months. Where am I at today? I think I am sitting in an extremely long, drawn out pity party for myself, among other things. But, mainly, that. 

I make absolutely no secret about the fact that I am in recovery in every aspect of my life. At work, at school, at my internship, at home, among friends. I nearly killed myself and every relationship around me. I made a decision to get sober and managed to climb out of a very deep hole and get my life back. I am proud of that and it is part of who I am now. A few recent acquaintances asked me to share some of my testimony recently. I don't really find my story all that interesting, per se, so I decided that I would  I talk about the last few days leading up to treatment and the first day after I discharged from detox to treatment:

"I stepped onto the floor and was greeting by the peer leader. She showed me where we eat and where the laundry was. The whole time my lip was quivering and I was using every last bit of energy to fight  back a well of tears. Finally, the dam broke and I stood in the middle of the hallway crying with 3 people trying to reach in for a hug trying to comfort me at a very vulnerable moment. 
I was pulled out of the first group meeting and sat with an intake counselor who was helping me to develop a treatment plan. I told her that my aunt and uncle helped me remodel my condo to make it a better place for me to live and I screwed that up. I was given everything in this world - a loving family, education, intelligence - and look where I landed. I also had a good job and I was blowing it. I just basically suck....At this point, she turns to me and says 'Client uses 'self-pity' as a defense mechanism'. For some reason that stung me...."

As I was talking, I must have made some funny face or something because it was brought to my attention that my tone and facial expressions changed immediately after talking about the self-pity diagnosis.  In my mind at the time, I was right - I was given everything to succeed and I failed. I failed to care for many of the gift that were given to me. I had done some pretty shady things. However, like my friend Helen Keller is quoted above, it's a bad enemy for every reason. It belittles an experience. It reduces my role in the world. It minimizes any hope for the future.  Even though I know what self-pity can do on one or two levels, it's still a defense mechanism that tends to resurface at really inopportune times, like these past 6-7 months. 

Defense mechanisms  are just a habit used by me to protect me from what I don't want to deal with right now. As I started meeting with my therapist again, she noted a tremendous amount of anger in our first 10 minutes together. Nothing in particular, just everything, just life, I guess. When I met with her two weeks ago she was after me to talk about the termination of my relationship with ALBK that ended after 5 years. She believes this breakup to be the real source of my anger. I didn't have the opportunity to make the appropriate closure. There is some truth in that, however, I was the one that ultimately ended the relationship and I had been unhappy for a year or more. I stuck in the relationship because I thought maybe things would change if I waited a little longer. I also stuck around because I thought it was better than being along. Ironically, my life is virtually the same without the relationship because we were never able to see each other and I used to avoid his phone calls so I wouldn't have to talk with him. I went to all my functions and engagements alone then and now. I just don't have to make excuses for why he isn't there. Do I miss him? Yes, he was a good friend and he was part of the people who were part of me getting sober in the beginning. If he walked back in the door, would I take him back? I don't think so. There are some things in the world that are better as all or nothing. I can't handle a 20%-30% relationship. It actually makes me ache more for the 80-90% that isn't there.

Anyway, we talked this week. She asked me about a time when things felt good and happy for me. Not to say that there hasn't been great times between now and then, but the most recent time of consistent self-happiness was in February 2012. I was applying for grad school. I was sponsoring people. I was in DBT and using those skills. I was hopeful about starting a new path in my career. Most of all, I think I looked at myself as more of a "whole person" not just one thing. I had been trapped for many years in wrapping myself into the identity of being a nurse. Being a nurse was about the only thing I had left besides by family at the end of my drinking. I got feedback time and time again in treatment and in recovery that I needed to look at myself in other ways. That's not all that I am. I was encouraged to explore other things about me. In February 2012, I was a daughter, an aunt, a sister,  a woman, a sponsor, a woman in recovery, a future grad school student and a transplant nurse. I felt like I kinda had it all. I was more than one thing and I had my life spread all over the place so that various parts of my soul were being fed from every which way.

As I started school, I started narrowly focus my attention again. I had to sacrifice (for the greater good mind you) time with my family, my time with AA. I could no longer sponsor people because there are ethical issues there. I had given up possibly the best job I ever had for school. I have been tremendously disappointed by this experience in school and in my internships the last two semesters, I have started to have a crisis of faith if I made the right decision. Since January 2013, I have been triggered frequently by the class content and now I am very triggered by my internships. After being a successful nurse for the past 10 years, I feel like I am kind of a crappy intern. At least, that is what my self-pitied mind is framing this experience as at the moment. So my therapist asked me if I was starting to pigeon-hole myself into this one area as a gauge of my overall success in life. Yeah, maybe, kind of. 

Now, I don't like NOT being good at things. I have been relatively fortunate in my life that I can sit down and do most anything as far as jobs. I learn quickly, computers are super-duper for me and I am usually able to get along with co-workers very well. I picked up on nursing very quickly. My former boss at my current job made a comment to me at one point "yeah, well you walk on water around here...." Yeah, that was actually kind of true. I could do no wrong. I was the pinnacle of all there was on nights for abdominal transplant. Hey, who doesn't want to feel that way? Who doesn't want to feel so successful? What is the phrase that I am looking for? The higher up and the longer the fall down? Something like that, you get the point. 

When I first started my internships, I was really happy with my first placement. It wasn't very different from what I was already doing in my nursing. I felt helpful to the counselor because I was able to help her with the medical stuff. They were ready to offer me a job at the end of semester. Then, I became engaged in conflict at my next placement which ultimately led in my having to leave the school for the semester and terminating the internship. For the first time in my adult life, I felt mentally ill. I know that I suffer from mental illness but I have worked really hard to keep these symptoms under control because I just can't go back there. Well, my "questionable mental health" that caused me to withdraw made me feel broken. Now, every time I login to my school account, I get reminded that I had to leave that semester because it states permanently on my records "W" (Withdrawn). You know that show - Orange is the New Black? Well in my world - W is the new letter for F (Failure). I limped through the summer back at work after I withdrew. I struggled and I was thrown the highest level of negative feedback I have ever received in any job, ever. My motivation to go on was strictly driven by a need to make ends meet financially until I went back to school. Ultimately, I felt really rejected by a few co-workers who asked me to leave the group I had helped for the summer. My work ethic was questioned. The nurse in me was questioned and I never really got over that or beyond that.  A few people I thought were friends, were not. I had been betrayed and it just hurts.

I stated the next semester with a chip on my shoulder and a bad taste in my mouth. I wasn't really held accountable to anything. My internship was really casual. My job hours were very reduced. My classes were not my favorite and there was no real consequences if I didn't go. So I didn't. I used to pride myself on my work ethic and my ability to self-motivate. I lost that in the fall semester and I have yet to really regain it again. I had hoped with my new placement that I would be happier. Instead, I was incredibly intimidated by the clients, HORRIBLY insecure about myself, my skills and my abilities. Sadly, I am late to my internship nearly everyday I am there and the battle to get out of bed for it has become a significant chore. I just don't wanna go. I don't feel like I am very good at it. I tried to be on my best behavior and not engage in any conflict. I have been repeatedly in trouble for the most random things while my inability to show up on time is never an issue?!!?!? 

Just like of my last pity party, I am upset because of the following reasons:
1. I am not instantly good at what I am doing.
2. I have become hyper-aware of myself and cannot see past the bad
3. My work ethic is now what I had been accused of in the summer and that just makes me mad at myself
4. I have placed my entire sense of self-worth on something that takes years to master (counseling)
5. I have, again, lost my identity. Now I struggle to make the right decision (i.e. show up) and I am starting to see some old drinking behaviors and attitudes reemerging. I am attempting to do whatever I want to do while minimizing the consequences to myself. I am not taking ownership of my own behavior. I am stuck in a cycle of all-or-nothing/black and white thinking. 

My friend, KG and I were hanging out this last week. I mentioned to her that I was acting like an alcoholic, I just wasn't using at the moment. The above mentioned list is exactly what I look like when I am using. For those of you who had to field the "Julie Drunk Phone Calls" - does this sound familiar? It's all the stuff that I whined about when I was using. They were all the reasons I used as my excuses to drink.  "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me I guess I'll go eat worms...." I think that is my theme song for alcoholic Julie. Ironically I was holding a group about "Dry Drunks" today. I almost wanted to say, if I don't get back into my recovery life soon, you will have a dry drunk standing in front of you.


Lastly, on my tirade here, I have lost my sense of gratitude. This is the one component that I had ingrained in my recovery in February 2012. I was new enough in recovery to remember every last second of my drunkness. I was SOOOO grateful to just be different. In going around groups in the morning, I often ask people to name one thing they are grateful for today. When it came back to me I ended up staring at the ceiling thinking "well, I am pretty grateful that this damn internship is almost done...." and I actually said "I am grateful for...ummm....let's see....well....yeah the sun out...whatever."  What? I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for these goofy kittens next to me. I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for this blog. I am grateful for another day of sobriety. I am grateful to have a flexible job. I am grateful that I am feeling financially secure right now. I am grateful for my niece and nephew. I am grateful for my loving friends. I am grateful for a nice place to live. While I have every right to be grateful to get done with school and my internship, I should NEVER EVER struggle with coming up with a list of 10 things in less than 30 seconds that I am grateful. I have life. I am sober. I am lucky. 


Ending on a serious note of gratitude....I am grateful that this experience with school is almost done. I can make it now. I know that I can. After writing this, actually, I feel 100x better. I need to reconnect with myself and my recovery again. I am pretty mad at myself right now. Maybe it is time to figure out that being mad at myself isn't really helping all that much. Maybe it is time to start my step 3 work - Make a decision to turn my will and life over to God as I understand Him. So, I will ask God to take the burdens of my heart tonight to make room for gratefulness to enter. I think I have crowded this heart with anger and resentments. I forgot to leave enough room for gratitude. Maybe this pity party is starting to come to end tonight.....

Peace!
Julie

Now that I am interning and going to school full time for addiction studies, I am constantly in some type of recovery talk at almost every moment of the day. In a discussion today, someone said, "....and then the alcohol stopped working..." I immediately nodded my head. Someone asked me "when did it stop working for you?" My immediate response was "who the hell cares, it just stopped working." I just shrugged my shoulders and let the conversation continue. It got me thinking....when did alcohol stop working?

I was talking to a good friend (KV) with whom I reconnected with recently. We went to high school together and she was there the first time I ever drank. We were rehashing memories and with almost perfect detail, I could recall every detail - what I drank, where I was at, what room I was in, where we were supposed to be and sadly I am pretty sure I remember what I was wearing. You know how annoying it is that I can remember all of this but I can't remember where the heck I put my car keys?  It's pretty annoying. 

At any rate, I remember that feeling that first time drinking. It was the best thing I had ever found. It was awesome. I felt relaxed and outgoing - something I really wanted to be. I was so self-conscious and hyper-aware of myself in high school and college. I pretty much had a degrading inner monologue going on at all times..."so dumb, God, really? Did you say that...you are so uncool, oh my God, it is no wonder that person doesn't want to be your friend". Alcohol took that all away and I could act stupid and feel like I had something to blame it on. So, as far as the socially anxious part of me was concerned, I was pretty well taken care of in high school.

Fast forward to college, alcohol got me out socializing and open enough to make friends, etc. But the use changed pretty quickly. Suddenly it was the reason and the focus of socializing. There was no reason in hanging out unless there was going to be some form of alcohol available. So, the relationship with alcohol changed my sophomore year of college. Then I left for Germany. I know there was a major shift in my drinking habits and the relationship. Now, I went abroad for a year my junior in high school to Austria. It was one of my toughest years of my life and the year after that (my senior year in high school). While in Austria, all I wanted was to be home with my family and friends. Again, I was hyper-aware of myself and felt so out of place. Fortunately, I had the BEST host family in the whole world. I think my host Mom and sister tried hard to make life good for me. My depression was just too deep at that time to really appreciate the opportunity. Additionally, my Dad has died less than 2 years before I left the country. I still had many unresolved feelings and grief. Then I separated myself from my friends and family for 9 months. It was tough. Upon my arrival back in the States, I realized that the world at home went on without me. I didn't like that. I spent most of senior year in a perpetual state of anger that things changed. It wasn't supposed to be that way.

Back to Germany. I became acutely aware of the experience I had while in Austria and I felt like the second time around I would be able to bury those demons in the past. On some level I think I did and the trip was better, but again, I really wanted to be at home with my family and friends. One of the best things that came out of that trip was my lasting friendship with NH. That friendship has meant the world to me and I wouldn't change anything for it. Although the trip was better, this was the first time that I started in consistent drinking and the act of drinking alone. I could gamble that I spent about 80% of the time there under the influence. I isolated quickly after this year and my senior year in college was about 50/50 of drinking alone or drinking socially with others. The tides were turning quickly and deep in my soul I was pretty panicked about this. I had hope that I would maybe, just possibly, grow out of this whole thing. Needless to say, that didn't happen.

Most of my social agenda for my 20s revolved around the use of alcohol. Many of my friends were in the same phase of life, and drink on we did! The drinking escalated at age 25 from wine and beer to hard liquor. I couldn't keep up the buzz after a bottle of wine anymore and beer had too many calories. When my ex-husband and I moved into the apartment around the time of our marriage, I, again, had another spike in my use. I was still having fun at some level and there were no major consequences. My ex-husband certainly knew about the amount I was drinking but I had him locked into thinking it was a phase and I would try to stop. I started to become aware of my ability to manipulate people. He was a #1 target to keep under control. He had direct access and the ability to tell people like my Mom or sister what was up. I can tell you, if my Mom knew all of this was going on, I would probably still be locked in a treatment facility. One of her many wishes for me was to NEVER have a struggle with alcohol. 

After our marriage and a move into the condo, I started making life decisions based on the convenience to drink. I wanted to work evenings for 2 very important reason (or so they seemed): 1. I didn't want to be around my husband anymore and 2. By the time I would get home, I would have the opportunity to drink without all the nagging. I wouldn't say that my drinking was making me happy anymore. I picked fights with my ex-husband and started having stomach problems. In my little addicted mind, I started to blame my drinking on him, the house, the job, the air we breath, the leaves on the trees....ANYTHING could be the reason why I drank. 

In 2007, when my divorce was finalized, I went on a epic 3 month binge. 90 straight days of drinking. I was celebrating now! Ultimately, it lead to overdosing on pills and landing the in ER about a year later. Maybe it was then, that night that it stopped working for me. I told my therapist, when I was sober I didn't feel like I was "FEELING" anything, but when I drank, I was able to cry and be sad. Well, there is a difference between a sobbing drunk girl and feeling the emotions of mourning and sadness. It was at that time that I convinced myself that I needed to drink in order to feel. Hmmm...ass backwards actually.

In 2009, I had a decent boyfriend, I had a home to live in that was remodeled by my aunt and uncle, I just bought a new car and I had a job that I wanted. Those were the main reasons I convinced myself that I drank......now I was a sobbing blathering idiot most days of the week despite having everything I wanted in life.  I had moved up from 0.25 liters of rum to nearly a liter at each sitting. I drank that liter in about 4-5 hours. I lost 60 pounds because I couldn't eat, I would throw up in the morning and mostly, I would just forget to eat. It started churning in my head that maybe it was this drinking that was making my life miserable. But the idea of going the rest of my life without a drink? That is just not possible, I am going to try to control my drinking. I used to work 12 hour shifts in 2007-2008. I would be able to not drink between those shifts. By 2010, it was no longer possible not to drink in between shifts and I honestly felt like I was dying when I needed to work for 24 hours on call. I had to be sober for those calls. It was becoming torturous. 

After entering treatment for the first time in 2010, I fought the battle internally. All I wanted in the world was to go back to how it was. I was way beyond that point now. I couldn't go back. Actually, I hadn't been back to where I wanted to be with my drinking since my sophomore year of college. It's weird to think that all I wanted in the world was to drink, yet I complained I didn't have anything in the world. I made my bed, now lie in it. If you want to drink, you don't get the world. If you want to be part of the world, you have to stop drinking. Damn you logical brain, damn you......Maybe on some level I thought the world would never take me back. Again, I became hyper-aware of myself. I hate being so aware of myself. It's not that I am hyper aware of the good things about myself, I am hyper aware of the acne I still have at age 37, the fact that I have gained a bunch of weight in school, my gray hair, etc. etc. Oh, and I went a little crazy on shaping my eyebrows...try not to look them next time you see me. I am super aware they are uneven for the time being.....

I ran into a situation last week that is sitting on my mind, almost a week after the fact. There was a situation in which I received some rather negative feedback for really no other reason than the other person failed to ask me what I meant when I made a blanket statement about an experience. (Sorry to be so vague, I want to be careful around some of the details....) I was shocked and taken aback, not to mention I was embarrassed that this little altercation happened around my friends. 

This week has been a test of patience quite honestly. The week started off good with a day off on Monday in which I was able to accomplish a lot of little things except getting oil changed. I just couldn't do the whole snow thing at 7:00am rush hour drive. That reminds me, I need to get that rescheduled. 

My internship was going relatively well this last week. I find it interesting now that I have been there a litte more consistently, I have noticed a reoccuring theme in our discussions regardless of the topic at hand - ANGER. The first couple of times I would talk about how anger seems to me the only emotion available immediately after the detoxification period. Addicts haven't felt anything for several months, years or decades. In fact, most of the time, addicts don't even know how to define their feelings. So it comes out as "I am mad/angry". I felt that way for about 6 months. Angry, about everything. 

We weren't really getting anywhere so I did a mini-presentation about "Anger as a Drug". It perplexed the group in the beginning..."I don't need this, I don't do this....". The presentation was mirrored after my own experiences with anger post-divorce, post-alcohol consumption, post-detox, etc. There were a few things that I liked about anger. It made me feel righteous on some level, especially when people would tell me that I was justified in my anger. There was also something kind of powerful about anger as well. Instead of feeling nervous, etc, I felt angry, full of adrenaline and....well...powerful. I felt as though I could say or do anything,

In the terms of anger as a drug, I described a slow build up of unexpressed emotions. There is a sense of irritability and annoyance with everything, not just the situation a person might be angry about. At some point, something needs to give and the anger comes out as lashing out or sabatoshing a relationship or fights with someone else. In the situation, for a minute, it feels good. The anger is getting released. There is a sense of control over something. Ahhhh......Then, just like having picked up a drink, there are more consequences and more issues to deal with now than before. As the situation defuses, now there is a sense of remorse and annoyance with self. Then, the cycle begins again, I hate what I did, I suck and now I am getting mad again....only a matter of time before the cycle repeats itself. Apparently this was a good description because it launched into an hour long discussion about using anger as a substitute for addiction. 

So, yesterday, I was angry. I have a situation with school that is leaving me short credits for a mental health licensure I really wanted. The school has been changing the program a lot and since I started there have been many changes which left me short of credits. Sadly, my school was aware of the situation last fall and failed to alert me to the situation.  I cannot take the credits I need this semester. This situation has woken up all the old grudges I have been carrying. I have been talking to my therapist about this anger. She reminded me once that my favorite DBT skill in the beginning 2010 was "Radical Acceptance". In essence, coming to a point of acceptance with a situation. Acceptance does not mean I like it or care for it. I just need to accept this situation and start the process of moving forward. In my past experiences, this skill was tremendous helpful in getting me to "move on" from a lot of things a few years ago. I used to hate when people would tell me that I needed to move on....I wanted to know "How do you do that??" Well, radical acceptance was the finally the answer I had been looking for.

Fast forward to 2014. Radical acceptance is like the first, second and third steps of the AA 12-steps. I have to do this more than once and usually on a daily basis. I wake up everyday and remind myself that I am powerless over alcohol and before I stopped drinking, my life had become unmanageable. I have to stay in the mindset of believing that my Higher Power will restore me to sanity and lastly I need to turn my will and life over to the care of my Higher Power. Apparently, except when it comes to this situation. This most recent issues drudged up a whole slew of feelings that I have not accepted yet. I have merely let them simmer under words of "whatever will be will be." Now, all those old feelings from last summer coupled with a new reason to be angry have set me in a spiral of bad thinking. (***Please note: I am not talking of relapse here. I am committed to my sobriety....). The hard part about the first 3 steps and radical acceptance, it needs to be done over and over. It's just not a one-time deal. That frustrates me, of course, I just want to have to do the acceptance-thing once and be done with it. Sadly, I can go from a place of acceptance to a place of unacceptance and allow the anger back into my life. 

That famous saying: "Resentment - I take the poison and wait for the other person to die". That is exactly what I am doing right now. I refuse to move past this anger. I feel justified. I feel righteous. I feel right. On some level, I feel like I lose that intensity if I just accept it. I feel like I am backing down from the "man" so to speak if I move on. On another level, I will have this school's name forever attached to me. It was something that I was supposed to be proud of. People will always ask about my education, especially in this field, etc. I just don't feel proud about this experience. I feel angry. I feel justified and righteous. I just do not want to give it way, not right now. In the stage of change, I know that I need to change but I remain in this pre-contemplative standpoint. I know there is a problem. I know what I need to do to fix it or at least attempt to fix it...and quite frankly...not even remotely interested. Nope. No thank you. I would rather sit in my little corner and wait a little longer to see if the other person suffers. Meanwhile, I sit in the corner and suffer under the weight of my own thoughts.