Let me start off this blog entry with one statement: I love my therapist. I hadn't seen her in a while. I popped back in this week per the request of my doctor. It had been 9 months or so since I saw her last. In giving her the fast and nasty summary since I withdrew from school in May, I realized a few things. Yeah, I kinda have a lot of stuff going on and, wowser, I am one pissed off little lady at the moment. 

Here is the brief synopsis provided to her: 
1. Withdrew from school - very mad, very angry, still holding a major resentment that I refuse to give up on.
2. 5 year relationship with my significant other terminated - had a complete lack of closure and one small form of communication since August. 
3. Dating disaster - losing my faith in humanity among other things
4. Stopping attending classes regularly, stop attending my internship regularly, started to have negative thoughts that were starting to feel oppressive. Called in, got a medication change, couldn't afford to make the medication change until January. Holidays were actually good.
5. Thought after the year started, things would start getting better. I pulled the bad habits in from last semester to this semester. Missing days of internship, not going to class when I probably could have made it.
6. Walk on to the campus and have such a miserable and nasty attitude, I can make the world around me miserable. 
7. Went on a trip to Honduras that has majorly confused my sense of self. 
8. Feeling conflicted at my current placement.
9. I feel like I might have made a mistake in pursuing Addiction counseling.

Needless to say, she told me that she would see me next week and it was important for me to remember what I have learned in the past and start getting into intervening on myself again. She gave me a diary card. I had to fill these out weekly for over 2 years. I guess I didn't really miss thinking each day about everything. But, in a weird way, I was totally happy to see one again. It reminded me of a time when I felt more confident and happy than I do now. She commented "you have a heavy sense of anger and resentment, and while there is a lot of reasons for that, there feels like something bigger is going on....". I agreed and I told her that I was having a difficult time putting my finger on it. 

On the way home, one of my favorite Tool songs came on the radio - "Schism" with my favorite verse:

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing.
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

I suspect that Tool probably wasn't thinking of a female recovery alcohol who is struggling with a sense of self-identity. I have no problem interpreting the lyrics for me, of course. I do know that the pieces of my life fit together. I have actually seen and experienced them all pulled together. I do feel like that puzzle has been falling apart over the past 9 months. I have also done the math enough to know that danger of second guessing myself. AND, I also know that everything starts to fall apart when I stop communicating. So, whether it was their intention or not, I believe this song to be a good reminder to myself. I believe very much that my Higher Power threw that song out there to raise my consciousness some.

I have Philip Seymour Hoffman on my mind still. He was sober for 22 years and just relapsed in the past year. It started with a drink in celebration and ended in his death. I am reminded of a statement I heard in one of my first AA meetings. "30 seconds, 30 days, 30 years, we are all the same distance from the ditch.....just one drink" or one use of any drug. In the remote parts of myself, there is still a wish and a desire that I could drink again. Fortunately, I am strong enough in my belief to know that will never be possible. I try to remind myself of all that I have and all that I can do with sobriety. It doesn't make sense to pine over 1 thing in the world that I can't have. 

I am interning full time this semester. I am struggling in this internship. I am having a huge crisis of confidence. I am finding all that I don't like about my selection of career right now. I talked at length about this my therapist. She was able to get me off the ceiling. Another verse from this song:

I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

So, like the last time I met with my  therapist all those months ago, I know that I have some work to do. I prayed for a long time last night that I have the strength and more so the desire to let my resentments go. This whole last week in my internship we have been talking about anger and dealing with it in an appropriate manner. Talk about one of those moments that I was talking the talk but not walking the walk. I will continue to do what I tell others to do. It's only fair. I also know it works too. I ask my clients every day to take direction and do what is asked of them. I, today, turn that same advice over to me. I will do as I am asked. I also need to quiet down my anger some. I believe that I am blocking the conversations I normally have with God. After feeling such an intensity in my trip to Honduras, I feel like that relationship has receded and I am a bit lost. I am losing my trust in my fellow man which is such a 180 degree turn from where I thought I once was. I am carrying a certain amount of hurt and skepticism that  I didn't have even 6 months ago. So much has changed in that six months, it has changed my view on things in a way that is unknown and not full in line with what I once thought. I am not sure I like it. In fact, I can say with relative certainty that I don't like it. 

When I try to educate others about why addiction is disease, I generally see this look of, "Ummmm....OK...but I don't get it." I am reading an excellent book right now that might help me to explain it better one day. In the meantime, I have been searching around the web to find out better information that is easy to understand: http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/what-is-addiction.html

One of the hardest for the "normies" as we addicts like to refer to you out there who are not addicted to anything, is why we continue to make bad decision after bad decision when clearly nothing good is coming of the situation. I guess that is the strange thing to me about addiction. I would wake up with the world's nastiest hangover in the morning. Spend the first two hours of work throwing up or feeling like I was going to throw up. Start feeling better after lunch. Then spend the afternoon thinking about the first drink when I got home. It was like I complete forgot how miserable I was in the morning. I would continually obsess until that first drink was poured when I got home. 

In the hallowed hall of AA, we talk about an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind. Not only did I have a real physical allergy to alcohol (the barley and hops made me sneeze and get all stuffy), but I believe that my body and mind react differently to alcohol than that of my non-addicted friend. I kid you not folks, the idea of sitting and having a beer for taste kills me. What? It tastes horrible. Secondly, the idea of just having one? Or not finishing an entire alcoholic beverage? What is wrong with you people?? That is a travesty and you cannot convince me otherwise. Why would you waste it like that? That is how my mind operates around alcohol. Once I have the one drink, I literally cannot stop. In one of my classes, we were shown brain scans of alcoholic and drug addicts. After one use of our drug of choice, the communications between the reward center of the brain and the frontal lobe where decisions are made starts to decrease at a significant rate. Additionally, once the brain started to get the desire the chemical, the reward system lit up like a 474 airplane cockpit and extreme happiness ensued. 

These scans made perfect sense to me. I would make such horrible decisions when I was drinking. I would try to plan things out ahead so that when I started drinking I would put myself in a need to make a bad decision. Sometimes I would convince myself that I was going to drink that night. I would have maybe enough from the previous night in the house. I would change my mind and "just have the rest of that". Well, once I started, I needed more and more until I would get in the car and go to the liquor store on Lake & Chicago and try not to look at the cops in the eye because I had already been drinking. The same thing would happen if I started drinking and I ran out of cigarettes. I never thought I would start drinking and driving. I ended up doing that because I make horrible decisions under the influence. I am sure there are people shaking their heads saying "shame on you for putting others in harm's way..." I couldn't agree more. The next day and even today, I wake up thinking "How could I do that? I know better. Nothing is worth endangering the life of another person?" That is why most addicts start scratching their heads wondering how they got to the point they are. How can one liquid or powder bring me so low? When the mind is obsessed with the drug, the mind is also crafty enough to think of every justification in the book to keep the focus on getting more of the drug. The mind literally believes it is dying when the process of withdrawals starts. The dopamine levels in the brain drop so quickly and significantly, the brain is pretty sure its dying and so did I. I would shake, tremble and sweat. My stomach was in knots all the time. My head pounded and I saw sunspots most of the day. You know what the one thing that made me feel instantly better? A drink....the cycle continues.

Then enters the erratic behavior. My mind was racing with guilt and shame that I did whatever I did the night before. The chemicals in my brain were so out of whack that I could be laughing one minute and crying the next.  I would get into trouble because I still had some liquid courage in me from the night before and start mouthing off where I didn't need to. I started to cut corners at work because I was physically too tired to do everything to the best of my ability. There were a few days towards the end when I showed up for work when I wasn't supposed to be there. That was embarrassing. I was so anxious all the time and in my own world obsessing about the next drink. I was depressed. Nothing made me happy. I would be calling people all night, every night and ticking off the neighbors in my condo complex for taking out on the porch at 3am. 

So, what needs to be done in order to get into recovery. Well, that is an easy answer, just change everything. Change the way I think. Change the way I approach life. Change my schedule. Change my friends. Change my habits. Just change everything. Simple, right? I remember giving one of my patients in the nursing home some education about diabetes management. He had been recently diagnosed and wanted to understand what was going on. We talked about how the pancreas wasn't working as well anymore and his body was not able to produce enough insulin. His blood sugars would then be elevated and he had some complications from that. We talked about diet and getting some exercise. We talked about letting nursing staff know right away if he had any problems with his feet. He thanked me for all the information. About 10 minutes later, I saw him eating sugar cookies and ice cream. I went over and asked him how he thought these treats might affect his diabetes. His response "well, you are going to give me some of that insulin stuff later, right?" Same idea, change the lifestyle and the way things are perceived. It's not easy, especially when it comes to drugs and alcohol (and also ice cream for me...I love ice cream).

Look back today, I can say that I changed just about everything in my life. One of my biggest priorities was to change my living environment. I still live alone with two cats, but I could not stay in that condo. From the day I walked in to the day I stopped drinking, I had done all my drinking there. I drank nearly everyday in that place for 5 years. I went through my divorce in that place. I struggled financially in that place. I felt stress all the time, drinking or not. I needed to change my living environment ASAP in order to secure some sanity. On my way out the door for the last time, I dropped to my knees in the living room and asked God to rid this place of my demons. Please make it a happy home for someone else. I sure couldn't do it. A change in environment when a long way for me. 

The next priority was for me to get my mental health back in line. Common issues with chemical dependency and mental health are  follows:
1. Was there mental health issues prior to the starting of chemical use? To what degree? 
2. Are the mental health concerns presenting after cessation of use because of the chemical use or is there organic mental illness present?
3. Has there been permanent brain altercations because of use? If yes, medication management can prove to be difficult.
4. The brain takes approximately 1 year to 18 months to re-calibrate after the substance is no longer active in the system. What can be done in the meanwhile to manage major depressive symptoms and anxiety while the brain works to heal itself?
It was pretty easy for me - I had mental health issues for a long time. I think I suffered from anxiety from a younger age. I felt a lot of panic all the time in grade school. I know that in middle school and high school I was probably suffering from depression. The rest is history since I started my substance use in early high school. Anything that was already going on just got exacerbated when I used. Then, when I started to use on a very regular basis, it was the only thing I was using to control my symptoms. 

When I stopped, I still suffered with major depression-like symptoms. Seriously, folks, after 1 year, life took an amazing turn for the better. Before that year, it was feeling like I felt that was an excuse to relapse. "Well, if I am going to feel this crappy,I should just drink.....I still have all the same problems, but now I don't have alcohol. What the hell do I do now???" There was a lot of medication intervention, a lot of therapy and skill training classes along with treatment that got me to where I am today. I am fortunate in that I have a lot more resources that most folks. I had full insurance. I had a boss who really wanted me to DO ANYTHING to get better. I had full time employment. I had one of the best case scenarios. It still was hard to make it through the mental health stuff. Heck, I still struggle with mental health to this day. It is infinitely better than it ever was, don't get me wrong. I do need a little tweak now and then. 

The last thing I had to change was what I did in my spare time. Boredom is a huge trigger for relapse. I would be sitting and watching TV. I would drift off and get bored or be uninterested. My brain says...."you know what would make this 100x more fun? RUM!" I had to find things to do to keep my mind off of all the madness in my mind. Meeting were a good place to go. I always like going to meetings. When I walk into that room, no matter who is there, young, old, white, black, native, long hair, short hair, everyone in that room knows one of my greatest life's struggle. I don't ever have to say anything other than "Hi, my name is Julie and I am an alcoholic". After that, I am immediately bonded with everyone in that room. We share our strength and hope with each other and if it is a good meeting, we can have a good laugh about how insane we were at one point in our lives. On February 12, 2010, I walked from detox to the treatment center. The floor leader came up to me and took me into my first group. The three people next to me all introduce themselves as alcoholics....I bawled like a baby. I felt like I belonged somewhere. These people knew how my heart felt and they didn't even have to ask. They just know. Nothing in the world tops the fellowship in recovery - nothing.

Anyway, I am hoping this provides some insight to beginning in recovery. It is really hard for people to understand the behavior of an addict. In reality, the addict is confused too. That was one of my favorite parts of treatment, finding out that this craziness is part of the deal. I wasn't a horrible, dastardly human being, I was a sick human being that needed to get better. And I had to change everything to do it.

Julie  

The news is certainly flying around the internet about the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman. In what I could find about in his biographical information, Mr. Hoffman had a lifelong battle with drugs. He was most recently in rehab in 2006 and in one interview it sounded like he understood his situation as life and death. Thus, staying sober.


Often times, this is what we hear both from our celebrity friends as well as the members of AA, NA and those in recovery. In my own personal experience, I begged and pleaded to get into treatment. Three days into detox, I wished I had never done it even though I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I did want to get well, but addiction was clouding my judgement. I did believe that I was invincible to some degree. That first round in detox, my liver function tests were relatively normal considering the amount of alcohol I was putting away on a daily basis. I was scared I was doing something bad to my health, but I couldn't see it, so my addict brain convinced me that it wasn't a matter of life and death anymore. The only death I was feeling was the agony of not using for a week. 


Mr. Hoffman died from an apparent overdose of heroin. He was apparently shooting the drug IV and overdosed in the bathroom of his apartment. He died alone in there, doing the only thing his brain felt the need to do. I suspect it was not an intentional overdose. He probably had himself convinced that he would not perish this way. Of course, I don't know any of this for sure. It is just a guess given my own addict mind and now working with so many others who struggle with this disease.


When Whitney Houston died from her drug overdose, I had read a fascinating article on LinkedIn about "Who failed Whitney?" At one point, everybody's hat was in the ring for the blame including Whitney herself. Whitney knew that she was chemically dependent and probably received her fair share of education about the possibility of death if she continued to use - thus, it was her fault. She relapsed as many addicts tend to do and there were people around her who knew it and never got her back to treatment. She wasn't in her right mind- it was their fault for enabling her behavior. Lastly, her treatment team - whatever they worked through in treatment was not enough. She did not have the appropriate tools to stave off a relapse. The treatment center was deficient in their treatment of her addiction. Sadly, I can see valid points in just about everybody's argument. In fact, I see most of these scenarios everyday.


When I look at my own course of addiction, I feel like anything that would happen to me, both good and bad are because of me. When I walked out of the rehab center after my 28 days of treatment, I did not say a word to anyone that I had absolutely no intention of staying sober. I don't think I was quite telling myself that so boldly but everything about my behavior indicated just that. I never went to a meeting. I never told anyone how I was feeling. I attended 2 aftercare groups and then stopped. I had been recommended to participate in the nursing monitoring program but never enrolled because I knew I would be held accountable and I didn't want that. Did the treatment center fail me? I don't think so. They are not there to babysit me and tell me to not drink every time I am on my way to the liquor store. They provided me education and aftercare plans based on what I told them. See, therein lies the difficulty - I had the treatment center convinced that I would be totally fine going home, mainly because I knew I lived alone there and I would have the option to whatever I pleased if I could just get back there. I had them convinced that going to aftercare once a week was going to be plenty because I was SOOOO motivated to be sober. Had I been willing to do whatever it took to be sober, I would have been honest and I would have followed the recommendations of the people who are trained to treat this disease. But I wasn't ready, I just thought I was.


When I went back to using after about 60 days, some of my friends and family knew about it. They were certainly not enabling the use and recommended that I get back doing whatever it was that I needed to do. Beyond that, the responsibility of sobriety is mine. I say regularly to clients, "I can't want your sober life for you." If you don't want to be sober, then you won't be sober. In the AA world, we ask each other, are you willing to go to any length to stay sober? It took me about 6 months after the first treatment, several relapses and a threat of losing one of the most important things to me to be willing to go to any length to stay sober. I used to complain that my monitoring program took away the choice to drink. No, I still had a choice, I could still drink if I wanted to, I was just going to have to play a game of russian roulette to see if I got caught. If I did, I would have to decide that the benefits of drinking outweighed the severity of the consequences if I got caught. 


Back to Mr. Hoffman....it is so sad to see talent like this die from a heroin overdose. From what I hear from people, heroin is back on a resurgence because of the opioid epidemic. Opiates are basically synthetic heroin. The pills on the street are expensive and heroin is not. People end up changing over to heroin in order to sustain the high AND be able to get higher for a much cheaper price. In Minneapolis, I have seen reports that the heroin here is stronger and more potent than anywhere else in the country. People are getting addicted faster and they are dying at a more rapid pace because of it. One former drug dealer told me that when the suburb kids come into downtown to score for the weekend, he will offer one "free" bump on the house in order for 1 more kid to get addicted. He told me the extra bump paid off almost all of the time. Someone who was not even going to buy any, tries and becomes instantaneously addicted. Just more business for him. I don't know if the story is the same in New York, but when people are buying stuff off of the streets, there is truly a threat that the drug could be laced with something, additives are used, etc. Every time there is a risk that this is going to be bad dope, no matter how much you trust your dealer. Or, tonight might be the night, in a stupor, you decide that you need one more bump before going to bed. Without even realizing how high you already are, you inject more, alone and there is no one there to save you. 


What breaks my heart the most about overdose deaths is thinking about how lonely this person must have felt. Sitting alone, in a room, doing the rituals around the use. There is only one focus, one end product, one thing to do to. The action is done, a moment of euphoria and then life turns back to the chase to get the next high. Most addicts will tell you that they are frustrated and annoyed with this lifestyle but don't have the ability to change the pattern of behavior, not to mention access to help is completely limited. If you are out chasing the high, there is not way you are shelling out money for health insurance (which probably won't pay anyway). Most ERs are too over crowded these days and people don't get admitted for help. They will get some drugs to sooth the side effects and get discharged with the recommendations to get help somewhere else. Most of the time, addicts at the final stage of addiction literally have nothing left. No home, no job, no family, no friends. The drug is truly the only friend and probably the worse enemy. My final days of leading up to my last detox, I prayed to God every night to die because that kind of loneliness was just too much to bear. Alcohol no longer was working to fill the emptiness and hopelessness that I felt. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. I know that pain and even though the last time I felt it was 4 years ago, I remember very vividly how that felt. I wonder if this is how Mr. Hoffman was feeling in the past few days. 


So, who fails the addict? Who needs to take responsibility for relapse? Who has to bare the brunt of blame for someone dying with 3 young children and a boat load of unused talent? Maybe it is just a little bit of everybody. It's too hard to say. Too many unknown details quite frankly. Heck, the news wasn't even reporting a cause of death until the friend that found him started talking. Immediately, however, when I saw his picture and his age, I knew it was drugs. He looked so aged in his photos. He has the look of a well-fed heroin addict. His eyes look tired. It is sad that we lose so many people this way. I wish I had the answer. 50% of the people who leave treatment have success staying sober. It take an average of 5 treatments for people to stay sober. That's a lot of people who risk life and death everyday from relapse. 


Here is the lesson - get help. Don't die this way. You don't have to.....


Julie

One of the things I found interesting about my trip to Honduras was feeling light I had spotlight shining down on me. While I would like to attribute that to my raging beauty, it had much more to do with obviously being American and dealing with the assumptions that come along with that. I have a whole new appreciation for being a minority and feeling like somewhat of an outcast. Not to mention a reminder (as I had been through this once before), how hard it is to function in a place when I don't know the language. I forgot about how frustrating that is and how my pride tends to ache when I have to ask someone else for assistance. Not to mention my pride twitches in having to say "I don't know" or "no comprende" as the case may be. 

Last semester I started getting in the bad habit of skipping class again. If I didn't want to go, it wasn't really hard to talk myself out of going. January has been such a crazy month with getting prepared for my trip to Honduras, another new semester starting, with a full time internship and a bunch of other activities. While the trip to Honduras was not a slow-paced adventure, I believe it sparked something in me again. 

I was so fortunate that I didn't have much for traveller's issues while I was in Honduras. I guess my system just felt the need to wait until I got home to officially meltdown. Yikes, a very upset tummy amongst other things. I realize that not all my readers are nurses so I will spare you the gory details. I ended up missing classes on Monday. One, I felt like it was too cold to be travelling for class (-16). Second, I couldn't be without the bathroom for more than 8-10 minutes at a time. I truly missed classes for being ill. That's kind of a first for me in a long time. Usually the issue has been a lack of interest in going to feeling too tired to make the drive. 

Tuesday was my first day back at my internship. I certainly received a warm return which was nice. I had only been there for a few days before I was gone for my trip. There were lots of new faces which I think I am happy for since I am working on whether to self-disclose my recovery status or not. I have a fresh group to start with and at this point, I am not going to say much about it. I think I am going to try to play the other side of not disclosing to see how that feels. Last semester, I was very open about my recovery status and it felt pretty natural with the group members to do as much. I have a different set of clients now with different needs, so it is a work in progress.

For the past few days, it has not been a chore to get out of bed. Thank God! I think being on a  pretty regimented schedule in Honduras help me to get things back in line. My sleep patterns get to be so crazy sometimes. I will take a nap during the day and then I will be up half the night. Then I don't want to get up in the morning because I finally fell back asleep just a few hours before. That was the rut I had gotten myself into last semester and it was starting to go that way again until this trip. Besides getting my sleep regulated, I think being around people was very beneficial to me. I am around people quite a bit, but the context with these people and what we were doing together was so incredibly different than any other group travel I have experienced. I was truly blessed with so many good travel companions and an excellent roommate. Something about that just gave me a breath of new life this week. 

When I got down to Honduras, I was paying particular attention to my reaction to the situation of poverty around there. The city that we were staying in was quite nice, but obviously dangerous since our hotel has iron rod fencing on every window and an armed guard at the gate. This was a pretty standard affair down there. When we got to the village where the church was located, that is when the poverty and living conditions were more apparent. The first thing I noticed where all the dogs roaming the streets. They were malnourished, skinny and sickly. Not to make light of it, but it was like living in the ASPCA/Sarah McGaughlin commercials.  That suffering was nearly unbearable to me. I know that I was not the only one that felt that way in the group. I have to admit I really struggled with that. Then, when we started going around and talking with the town people about the Healthfair that same day, the living situations became more apparent. There is very limited clean water available to the people. There are several generations living together in a 2 or 3 room home. There was a serious lack of access to medical care and supplies. There was a man that we met whose blood pressure was sky high and he knew it. He was prescribed medication. Because there is so much corruption in the flow of medications there, he was unable to afford to get the medication. $4 a month is a lot when monthly income is $30. I watched him walk out of the center and knew that it was only a matter of time before he will die of a stroke. My wish for him is that the stroke takes him and he doesn't have to linger in a debilitated state for years and years. It's hard to watch another human, a fellow man, walk away and have an idea of his fate. it reminded me of a telephone call I made to a liver transplant inquiry a few months ago, "I am sorry, we are not going to be able to help your husband. Protocol dictates that he must have at least 6 months of sobriety before he is eligible to be CONSIDERED to be on the list." When I hung up with her, I knew, based on the medical records in my hand, that patient was only going to be alive for 2-3 more days. He was terminal and I delivered the final stamp of rejection for other options except death. 

These situations, ladies and gentleman, are some of the powerless moments in my life. I yearn and desire to do something about this situation. I want to smuggle blood pressure pills into Honduras, I want to protest the rules and regulation of transplant, I want to feed the animals. Yet, I cannot. No matter how much I want to help, I cannot. When I see my fellow alcoholic relapse and is working his or her way towards death, I can only say what I have to say. I cannot make someone get better. I cannot force a government to act for the people. I cannot lock a person in the basement and keep them sober. So, why did I not fall apart the way I had expected to? I mean, I was really expecting a serious mental breakdown at one point. I had spent the previous few months asking about this and what I should do WHEN it happened, not if. I contemplated if we were too busy to have the time to process that emotion. So I gave it a day or two to sink in after I got home. Nope, still no breakdown. Certainly, I feel sad and bad about these situations. However, I did what I could to help and the rest just has to be turned over to my Higher Power. "I turn my will and life over to God as I understood Him" This certainly means these situations as well. Instead of internalizing what I could not do about these situations, it has morphed itself into a revitalization in me of what I can so. I feel recommitted to drug and alcohol counseling. I was losing some of passion for the area, wondering if I was making myself a one dimensional human being who can only talk about recovery and nothing else. I talked about because of a passion and deep in my heart, I believe God has something really big for me in this field. I don't know what that is, but I just want to be able to sit patiently and wait for the call without freaking out every day.  I am not the most patient human being and being a former addict, one of our more fine personality traits is instant gratification. I think this has been part of my restlessness in the past 3 or so months. I want school to be done. I want the next big adventure to start.....I want I want I want....."I turn my will and life over to God....". Needs to be done.

What I took away from this trip, very deeply in my heart, was a desire to help closer to home. I can't say that I haven't seen some of these same conditions in the US. I see people everyday who can't afford medications or get access to medical care. I have made visits to shut ins in America. I have seen mother struggle to feed and clothe their children. I have seen children drop out of school to support their families. All of this is well and alive (unfortunately) in America as well. I feel empowered to make changes close to home. I have been looking at some different resources in the metro area that are doing outreach and focusing on helping the mentally ill or homeless. I feel like I can be of service. Mind you, I probably won't start volunteering just yet, but I have a stronger vision of what I want to see happen in the community around me. 

Hugs,
J

Be prepared folks, there is going to be a lot of talk in the upcoming blog entries about my experiences on my Mission trip to Honduras....

In late 2011, my aunt and uncle approached me to help them with a small website for a local non-profit their dear friends were setting up to help a mission church in Honduras. I would do anything for this aunt and uncle as they have shown time and time again that they will always be there for me, so in December I started working on their website. 

This past summer, after volunteering for a couple of years, they asked me if there was anything they could so to pay me since I had taken no money for the website. If there is anything from DBT I learned, it never hurts to ask - the worst answer is only a "no". So, I asked if I could get a discount on one of their upcoming mission trips since the cost was quite a bit for me. They upped it to one better and gave me a full scholarship to join them on this trip. 

Prior to this trip, I would have never imagined myself going to a third world country. My concern before  leaving was seeing such devastating poverty and not being able to do anything about it. I was worried about seeing the suffering and not being able to deal with it. I voiced these concerns during our orientation and was told just to process it as it came. Did that and I have to admit, the people there made me appreciate the human race. I saw little children caring for their younger siblings. They would come to the activity tables and always let the little ones go first. Or they would make something for the little ones and give it to them without the expectation of getting to have on of their own. They truly made the very best of a rather tragic situation. I was happy to be able to participate in the ways that I could. I know that their suffering is now going to end because of our trip. I do know, however, that the church in the neighboring city is intervening all the time. That makes my heart ache a little less.

This trip was an 11th step trip for me: "Sought through prayer and mediation to improve our conscious contact with God (as we understood Him) , praying only for the knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out." I prayed more that week and did more Bible study than I have done since leaving High school. We prayed several times a day, before each meal, had daily devotions in the morning. While I attempt to do this at home with my 24 hour a day book and praying each night as I go to bed, there is something about praying in the midst of fellowship. I full heartedly believe that I saw God intervening several times a day in many different ways. There was a point in my recovery in which I felt the presence of my God in my life. It calmed and soothed me. I was going to be able to stay sober. That feeling was back throughout this trip as I watched others experience this feeling as prayers and concerns were turned over to a higher power. I had hoped that I would improve my conscious contact with God. I have to admit that it didn't feel as powerful as I thought it was going to be, but maybe it doesn't need to be. I like Big and Bold....my God seems to err on the side of subtle. 

Throughout our orientation process for this trip, we were advised that we, as a group, needed to maintain a level of flexibility. No matter how much we plan for anything, it all might change at the drop of a hat. I had hoped to be able to reach out to the community about addiction and maybe provide some education or even an AA meeting if that were possible (highly unlikely, but it never hurts to hope...). At the last minute the nurses who were going to do the blood pressures at the Heath Fair did not show and I was moved over to that station to help. After seeing the situation down there, I realized my time was much better spent doing that than trying to drum up some interest in AA or addiction education. So, I listened to God and he put me where he sees fit. It made me realize that maybe down the line, I would love to go on a medical mission trip and be able to reach out to communities in that fashion. Addiction is just a hard topic to talk about and there is such shame and hopelessness about it. If I were to consider something like this again, I would really have to think about how to reach out to my fellow addicts to get them to talk about the solutions available to them. 

Anyway, I will be posting much more over the next several weeks. I did not take any technology with me (I will be blogging about that for sure). I spend most of the time writing my thoughts by hand. I am looking forward to transferring this data over to my blog. Stay tuned....

J

Last week when I was at my internship, I got into a conversation with a few folks about my class in graduate school. No surprise to me, about 80% of my classmates are in recovery. Usually folks don't flock to addiction counseling unless they have had some pretty personal experiences with it, whether that be oneself or a close family member or friend. Way back when I went to an information session about the program, the Dean of the School made a couple of comments about how they were hoping to increase the number of students who were not in recovery. His basic message was those in recovery are too fragile and risk relapsing in such a high intensity career. I never cared much for this particular individual but I certainly was going to argue with that logic. In my own recovery, it was not advised for me to return to nursing for the exact same reason. 

***This blog is about my beliefs and spirituality and does engage in conversation about religion. Not everyone will agree with what I have to say.***

In a few days, I will be taking off to Honduras for a mission trip. I have been helping a non-profit with their website for the past few years. Since I have never been paid for helping, they offered me a scholarship to go on one of the mission trips they offer through their non-profit. I was ecstatic at the opportunity and have been preparing for this trip since September. This trip is sponsored through a local church and the work we will be doing will be done through a local Honduras sister church. 

I have been meeting with the travel group since October in order to bond with the group and also prepare for the trip ahead. We are a large group - 25 people total. I wouldn't want to be the leader of this group, only because it is going to be hard to watch over 25 people in a remote village in Honduras! 

I know that this experience will be a once in a lifetime opportunity. I have never been to a third world country before and I must admit that I am quite nervous about my reaction to being in such an impoverished area. I am an extremely sensitive person when it comes to certain things. The commercials with abused animals makes me not only tear up, they also give me nightmares about all the other bad things people could do to animals. I think of how the animals live in terror, etc. My heart is already racing when I am typing this description. Not to say that animals are less, but what happens when I see the horrible conditions people are living in and powerless to do anything about it. I have brought up several times in our orientation about my concerns of being able to deal with these feelings. Fortunately, it sounds like there is a lot of support around this and there are daily debriefing sessions in which to process these types of concerns.

Throughout these orientation sessions, it is very easy for me to see that ideologically I am not on the same page with the church about religious and political views. I tend to be on a much more liberal side of things. I have not said anything to this effect and I try to be very respectful since the church and I are clearly on the same page when it comes to helping others in need. Between this and my internship placement which is in a faith-based facility, I am really in a position of looking at my faith, religion and spirituality. When people ask me what religion I am, I usually state that " I grew up Catholic. I consider myself more spiritual than religious." As I am working in my internship and going through the orientation with this church, however, I am finding that many of my values and beliefs are still heavily based in the Catholic traditions. I believe in God, in mainly the traditional sense of most western religions. I speak with my God and ask for guidance for myself and grace for those in need. I do not believe that my God is vengeful or angry. I view my God as a leader and healer. I believe my God wants me to be humble and giving. My God wants me to help the poor and needy and be eternally grateful for the blessings in my life.  I do not celebrate in a standard church setting but I pray most days. I read the Bible and believe it to provide guidance and suggestions for healthy and happy living. I do not take each word of the Bible literally. I will not use passages from the Bible to discount or discredit anyone else or their religious beliefs.  I believe that penance is needed for absolution of sins. My 4th and 5th steps of recovery were just about as close as I have come to a confessional since the 6th
grade. But I believe the process to be the same. I sit before another person and God and talk about what has happened in my life - both good and bad. I continue to evaluate my life and undo the wrong where I can.  

Since this is a mission trip, I will be adhering to the religious beliefs of the church that is sponsoring the trip. At times I feel like I am lying since I do not believe in everything that is being said around me. I know there are some fundamental issues (more politically based than anything) that I do not agree with them on. I just hope when if those issues arise during this trip, I can keep my mouth shut and remember that others are allow to have their opinion no matter how much I disagree with them about it. I hope, in turn, they can respect the fact that I do not pray in the same manner. I celebrate my faith in a different way. I do not interpret the Bible in the same fashion but I seek the wisdom from the words with equal fervor. I don't know, for some reason, I feel some grumbling in my stomach about this. Maybe because it reminds me of when I was younger. My best friend growing up was part of the Baptist church. I used to go with her to all the kids activities and to the summer camps. I would hear them putting down other religions and in particular my Catholic upbringing. When I told others that I was Catholic, they would immediately try to "save me". I "needed to accept Jesus into my heart or I wouldn't be saved." I, personally, don't believe this to be true. I didn't then and I don't now. To me, it lacks humility to get in my face and tell me "to accept Jesus". If accepting Jesus helps a person on their spiritual journey, that is wonderful. I encourage that. I have found my faith and spirituality through other venues and I get a little testy when I am told I will be going to hell if I do not accept Jesus. My relationship with God is my personal relationship with God. I would ask to be respected for it. Whew, I can feel all these old childhood defensive feelings coming back. My Dad always told me "you are NOT to be converted. Period." I swear I still hear his voice after all these years still saying the same thing. Basically- be confident in your faith. I guess I am confident enough to want to defend myself against those telling me my path is wrong. 

Anyway. I think this year is going to be a deep spiritual journey for me as well. I know that I will be coming back from this trip with a whole new perspective on life and faith. I feel a deep need to help my fellow brothers and sister who are suffering. In the past few semesters, I have been meeting people who have literally lost everything, including a place to live. I have watched faith pull them back and the spirituality of the 12 steps keep them sober. I have felt God work in my own life. The farther I walked away from God, the more miserable my life became. I came back to God and every day from that day on has been better. I think this trip is going to be a time in which my beliefs will become easier to define. I will have a better sense of what my faith and religion mean to me. 

I know that religion and faith are hot-button topics. My intent is never to offend anyone. I do realize the power and passion faith can bring out of folks. I ask for your forgiveness if I have offended you. I also ask that you please respect my beliefs and faith as well.

Julie

A fellow sobriety blogger I read frequently wrote a bit about New Year's resolutions. "Resolution is just a word, it's about taking action." She is not a big fan of the word or the idea of it, really. Why on God's green earth would we want to set ourselves up for failure each and every year? If you must, pick a goal, a goal you are really ready to work on, and GO. 

I look at the calendar today - how can it be 01/11/2014 already? My last entry was on Christmas....but that was just a week or two ago, right? New Years slipped in and chaos ensued, now it is just 6 days before I am leaving for a mission trip to Honduras. I have known about this trip for 6 months now and it seemed so far away, until today....wow. Time is moving so quickly.

I started my final internship placement for my master's degree. I interviewed for this placement this summer. At the time, I was looking for a placement for the fall. I had set up a series of interviews. I loved the first place I interviewed at and took it the offer to intern on the spot. The second interview was the place I am currently at. I felt I should go to the interview and, again, an opportunity to intern was granted to me on the spot. So, here it is, already. Time is moving so quickly.

2014 is going to be an interesting year, I can tell. My classes will be done in April, January is going to slip by and February is short month. Welcome March, then April. Boom. Done. Then the unknown with the job and where I will be. My lease to my apartment will be up. While I would like to stay here, if I end up getting a job on the other side of town, I am moving. I just can't take a long commute. I have been terribly spoiled in the past 7-8 years. If I end up somewhere close, I will just hang here. This year was ushered in with a great deal of change and I don't think that is going to stop any time soon. I had an entry in my old blog called "I hate change". I proceeded to give the top ten reasons why I hate change and I don't want to go through it. I am happy to report that my feelings have changed at least a little in this arena. I don't care for change, don't get me wrong, I am just choosing to be a little less stubborn about it. I want to be more accepting of the change and not fight it so much. I am hopeful that change will not derail me as much this time around as it has in the past. 

On January 2nd, I felt the need to make some resolutions for myself. I didn't pick easy ones, I can tell you that. I want to lose some weight. I don't want to do any particular program or anything this time around. I have to make some life changes. I know that. Secondly, I want to finally quit smoking. I got to day 30 this summer and just started back up. I have significantly cut back to 2 cigarettes a day. It's time to move forward and just bury the hatchet with this one. I cannot smoke on the trip to Honduras so I hope to just not start back up when I come back. That will be the goal. I am re-enrolling in Quit Plan. As far as the weight loss, I haven't fully worked on this yet. However, I do have health insurance and I want to start exploring my options to get help. If Weight Watchers is the way to go, cool, if meeting with a nutritionist is the best way, super duper, if getting off my ass to work out is the answer....well...ummmm.....yeah, okay, let's work on it then. Like I said, not easy ones, but necessary ones. 

Outside of these, I have committed to something else very important. I need to slow down. I ended last semester with 3 As and 1 B, pretty lucky considering I didn't bother studying for one final and only put a marginal effort into the other one. I decided to do some praying and meditation about what was going on. About 98% of was because of me. Why would I try to start dating at that particular juncture? Full time grad student, working part time, trying to have a social life, etc. etc. I know I was feeling some loneliness. I also started freaking out that finding someone is never going to happen for me or it will happen too late to start a family. Alcoholics tend to be pretty impulsive people and this whole dating thing is a great example of my impulsive-type nature coming out. "I want it, and I WANT IT NOW..." Even when I was doing it, I knew it was a bad idea. I just wanted something and was starting to get jealous of everyone around me who has it. I learned some things, I really did, so it wasn't all for not. The timing could not have been worse, though. I used the dating to not deal with the fact that I was feeling depressed again. I just chalked those feelings up to wanting someone in my life. I also used it as a way to take of the focus from school. Last semester was tough. I had a hard time with 2 of my 4 classes. I was not thrilled with the content and one instructor frustrated me to no end. So, I wore myself out during the week trying to meet someone, only to not have enough energy to go to class. So, I didn't. By the end of the semester, there was no more dating, no boyfriend, a weak A going into a final, an attitude of "I don't care..." and work drama. 

I find it so hard to believe that I used to not like the holiday season. Again, this year, I had a lovely time with my family. Our traditions held strong, my mom and I spent the better part of 4 hours putting together two toys. Then we woke up with the kids and got to experience all the wonder and excitement of the gifts Santa left (although, my sister told me that my nephew is starting to question Santa mainly because all that he does defies science - smart kid...he took the gifts nonetheless and stopped questioning when he saw the half eaten cookie by  his toys.)

I went to a weekend retreat last February about recovery. The speaker was a little out there for me but there was one message that I really took to heart after the retreat was over. He had us do an exercise in which we described how we felt when we were younger. Open, carefree, curious were some of the words that came up. He encouraged us to remember to approach life this way. I can get so bogged down in the events surrounding me that I truly forget the magic of pushing all of that aside for a while and viewing life with a big open heart.

As I watched my favorite little people open their gifts today, I tried to tap into their wonder and curiosity about the world. I don't think it ever hurts to try to look at the world through the eyes of a happy child. I noticed with my niece and nephew that they were imaging all the fun things possible once they got this toy out of the box. They were filled with such excitement and, of course, that makes everything worthwhile. It is, afterall, about the giving. This year felt more about giving than ever. I had such a blast getting my gifts together.