Puzzle Pieces

Let me start off this blog entry with one statement: I love my therapist. I hadn't seen her in a while. I popped back in this week per the request of my doctor. It had been 9 months or so since I saw her last. In giving her the fast and nasty summary since I withdrew from school in May, I realized a few things. Yeah, I kinda have a lot of stuff going on and, wowser, I am one pissed off little lady at the moment. 

Here is the brief synopsis provided to her: 
1. Withdrew from school - very mad, very angry, still holding a major resentment that I refuse to give up on.
2. 5 year relationship with my significant other terminated - had a complete lack of closure and one small form of communication since August. 
3. Dating disaster - losing my faith in humanity among other things
4. Stopping attending classes regularly, stop attending my internship regularly, started to have negative thoughts that were starting to feel oppressive. Called in, got a medication change, couldn't afford to make the medication change until January. Holidays were actually good.
5. Thought after the year started, things would start getting better. I pulled the bad habits in from last semester to this semester. Missing days of internship, not going to class when I probably could have made it.
6. Walk on to the campus and have such a miserable and nasty attitude, I can make the world around me miserable. 
7. Went on a trip to Honduras that has majorly confused my sense of self. 
8. Feeling conflicted at my current placement.
9. I feel like I might have made a mistake in pursuing Addiction counseling.

Needless to say, she told me that she would see me next week and it was important for me to remember what I have learned in the past and start getting into intervening on myself again. She gave me a diary card. I had to fill these out weekly for over 2 years. I guess I didn't really miss thinking each day about everything. But, in a weird way, I was totally happy to see one again. It reminded me of a time when I felt more confident and happy than I do now. She commented "you have a heavy sense of anger and resentment, and while there is a lot of reasons for that, there feels like something bigger is going on....". I agreed and I told her that I was having a difficult time putting my finger on it. 

On the way home, one of my favorite Tool songs came on the radio - "Schism" with my favorite verse:

There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away.
Mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing.
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.

I suspect that Tool probably wasn't thinking of a female recovery alcohol who is struggling with a sense of self-identity. I have no problem interpreting the lyrics for me, of course. I do know that the pieces of my life fit together. I have actually seen and experienced them all pulled together. I do feel like that puzzle has been falling apart over the past 9 months. I have also done the math enough to know that danger of second guessing myself. AND, I also know that everything starts to fall apart when I stop communicating. So, whether it was their intention or not, I believe this song to be a good reminder to myself. I believe very much that my Higher Power threw that song out there to raise my consciousness some.

I have Philip Seymour Hoffman on my mind still. He was sober for 22 years and just relapsed in the past year. It started with a drink in celebration and ended in his death. I am reminded of a statement I heard in one of my first AA meetings. "30 seconds, 30 days, 30 years, we are all the same distance from the ditch.....just one drink" or one use of any drug. In the remote parts of myself, there is still a wish and a desire that I could drink again. Fortunately, I am strong enough in my belief to know that will never be possible. I try to remind myself of all that I have and all that I can do with sobriety. It doesn't make sense to pine over 1 thing in the world that I can't have. 

I am interning full time this semester. I am struggling in this internship. I am having a huge crisis of confidence. I am finding all that I don't like about my selection of career right now. I talked at length about this my therapist. She was able to get me off the ceiling. Another verse from this song:

I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication

So, like the last time I met with my  therapist all those months ago, I know that I have some work to do. I prayed for a long time last night that I have the strength and more so the desire to let my resentments go. This whole last week in my internship we have been talking about anger and dealing with it in an appropriate manner. Talk about one of those moments that I was talking the talk but not walking the walk. I will continue to do what I tell others to do. It's only fair. I also know it works too. I ask my clients every day to take direction and do what is asked of them. I, today, turn that same advice over to me. I will do as I am asked. I also need to quiet down my anger some. I believe that I am blocking the conversations I normally have with God. After feeling such an intensity in my trip to Honduras, I feel like that relationship has receded and I am a bit lost. I am losing my trust in my fellow man which is such a 180 degree turn from where I thought I once was. I am carrying a certain amount of hurt and skepticism that  I didn't have even 6 months ago. So much has changed in that six months, it has changed my view on things in a way that is unknown and not full in line with what I once thought. I am not sure I like it. In fact, I can say with relative certainty that I don't like it. 

So, I will keep y

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