Healthy Skeptism?

One of the things I found interesting about my trip to Honduras was feeling light I had spotlight shining down on me. While I would like to attribute that to my raging beauty, it had much more to do with obviously being American and dealing with the assumptions that come along with that. I have a whole new appreciation for being a minority and feeling like somewhat of an outcast. Not to mention a reminder (as I had been through this once before), how hard it is to function in a place when I don't know the language. I forgot about how frustrating that is and how my pride tends to ache when I have to ask someone else for assistance. Not to mention my pride twitches in having to say "I don't know" or "no comprende" as the case may be. 

During our orientation sessions, we were instructed that all donations for this project were to go through the non-profit associated with the church we were working with. In the past, there had been situations of people getting taken advantage of my folk by having multiple people support them without all parties being aware. Also funds were not well accounted for and it was important to the legitimacy of the organization to change the structure of money flow. I certainly support this idea especially meeting the people who are on the ground 24 hours a day in the village. They know where the money needs to  go. Anyway, I have a few family members who have spent some time going down to this area. I think they had been taken advantage of since their hearts are so tremendously huge and all they wanted to do was help and they knew so little could go so far. My Mom made a comment prior to my departure "You need to be careful too...you are like that...." 

Reflecting a little further back. the previously significant relationship I was in, I feel like my kindness and desire to help others was really taken advantage of. Sometimes I would not hear from him for long periods of time, only to get a frantic phone call looking for information about something or to get a ride. For a while, it was resume stuff. I take responsibility for the fact that I also never established boundaries when I started feeling like this. I also take responsibility for never addressing it until I was too angry to even think about salvaging the relationship. I felt like I was being treated like a "buddy" and roommate a lot of the time and I just couldn't bring myself to say anything. I felt more and more like the only time he really did call me is when he wanted something. I had asked him at one point if he could ask me how my day was first before he started with this list of requests. He did, but I always questioned the sincerity of it. Most of the time, I do think he cared.

Then came the dating massacre. The first two individuals I had dated with some promise both had side relationships going on. I opted to confront that early on, and now looking back, I wonder why I didn't walk out of the room. With bachelor #1, I asked if I had grabbed his attention enough to take down his dating profile, to which his response was "I am always looking". After that interaction, he cancelled our next date and ceased to have contact with me for over a week. We just stopped talking. This only thing I am disappointed with at this point is that I lost a friend. He was the one who turned it into more, only to take advantage of me falling for him. I stuck around after that comment thinking I needed to do more, then, to grab his attention. Booooo....no I don't. I am glad it didn't work out. But again, I am sad about losing a friend over a 3 week relationship. When we met up for coffee for the last time as "friends", I was talking about how my 5 year relationship just ended, etc. etc. I felt like he positioned himself as a fun little rebound. I don't know if that was his intentions but it sure felt like it. We were never able to have a conversation about what happened. At this point, I don't know that it would make me feel any better to know. I just de-friended him from Facebook. I have only de-friended about 5 people since 2007. He was lucky #5.

Then comes bachelor #2. He was much more covert about his dating operation. I found it interesting that everything was full speed ahead and then 2 days later I was asked to leave prior to the completion of our plans. Since he was a big drinker, I just couldn't get over that. Come to find out now, he was dating someone else that he was more interested in and used the drinking because he knew it would push me away. He took advantage of my weakness in order to get me out. For God sakes, are we not adults here? Just tell me you found someone else. 

Anyway, since these two experiences I have been thinking and trying to play things a little closer to the vest. As I mentioned recently, I am not longer divulging my recovery status at work. (I don't think it is hard to tell, though, I speak a lot of AA speak, etc. But I will neither confirm or deny my recovery status.) Since I have started running groups, I found myself already being taken advantage of. I am "just the intern". I am new. I am wet behind the ears. I got steamrolled and felt my pride take a hit when I had to ask another counselor to intervene. Things start over on Monday which will be good. I hope the message was received. Anyway, it just reminded me of all the situations in the past 6 months where I feel like I am being taken advantage of.

Now this last example is my experience only. I know there will be some people who went on my trip who did not have the same experience as me. I certainly respect that and I will do my best to present both sides of the story. When we arrived at our hotel, the hosts let us know that they had friends who sold touristy type items at a lower price than what we would get in town. I was really excited about that opportunity because I felt like I would have time to look instead of going into a store and needing to leave when everyone else was done. I picked up some items and they were not marked. When I went to check out, it cost me all of the money that I had exchanged which was $60 - for a T-shirt, a little wooden care, a doll, a magnet and a small purse. I gave them all my money and then walked away thinking I had either been ripped off at the airport, or just ripped off here. When I went back to get the prices, etc on everything, I told them it was too expensive and had no money for the rest of the trip. I wanted to get my money back. I was immediately given the choice to take a discount. At that point, I was so livid, I took my money back. I felt like I was being taken advantage of. Maybe not, but all I can say is I got more items from a local store for $27 less. Whether or not that was their intention, I felt like they were taking advantage of the fact that I was not familiar with the money and could get away with charging me $11 dollars for a small wooden car. This experience put me on edge for the remainder of the trip. I admit, I did let it effect me.

I failed to engage with a lot of the local people after this interaction. I take situations like that very personally and now I have a distrust of everyone until someone proves to me otherwise. I was constantly prepared to be approached for money which happened only twice at the village. About 1,000 times at the airport, but that was  a different situation. I failed to engage with peers there because I felt nervous. I knew that I stuck out because of just being American. I just felt like there were always ulterior motives behind the simplest of relationships. I wish I could have gotten past that a little more while I was there. I think there would have been a greater experience for me to connect with others. Instead, I stayed at a distance. I felt safer at a distance. I also didn't have to make myself vulnerable emotionally or spiritually with other around me. I don't have to worry about someone taking advantage of me if they don't even know me. But, let me tell you, that can be a lonely way to live too. 

I have had many people over the years tell me that I stand at a distance. Now that I have returned from this trip, I am trying to review what has happened in the past year or so and figure out if I am purposefully staying at a safe distance because skepticism can be healthy or am I holding resentments that need to be dealt with so that I can take more chance to connect with those around me. In the past 2-3 weeks, I just find myself questioning others a lot. In my line of business (nursing and interning as a drug and alcohol counselor) I have to push for the truth sometimes and also accept the fact that my patients outright lie to me on a regular basis. Have you ever lied to your health care provider? Admit it, you have. I do all the time! How much do you exercise? Oh....3-5 times a week (if you count standing for 15 minutes to make my meal and  eating it....) I don't take offense to that. I believe that to be somewhat expected of patients - no one want to admit they don't follow recommendations. When I am in a situation of meeting new people or being in an environment where I need to depend on other people to navigate the terrain for me, I feel threatened and I feel like my emotional side is too soft that just about anyone could get me to give out something with just a few examples of all that I have and all that they don't. So, as a reaction, I throw up a wall to keep everyone at a distance. I am sitting on the fence right now about whether or not this is the correct way for me to approach life at this point. I feel like I really missed out on an important part of the experience. I was just unable to connect with my peers in the church down there. I watched others fully immerse themselves in developing relationships with others. 

So, anyway, still working through the processing of this trip. I don't mean to sound like such a bummer about this experience. This is just an example of how a resentment can stand in the way of a lot. 

Peace out,

J

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