A Disease of Behaviors

When I try to educate others about why addiction is disease, I generally see this look of, "Ummmm....OK...but I don't get it." I am reading an excellent book right now that might help me to explain it better one day. In the meantime, I have been searching around the web to find out better information that is easy to understand: http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/what-is-addiction.html

One of the hardest for the "normies" as we addicts like to refer to you out there who are not addicted to anything, is why we continue to make bad decision after bad decision when clearly nothing good is coming of the situation. I guess that is the strange thing to me about addiction. I would wake up with the world's nastiest hangover in the morning. Spend the first two hours of work throwing up or feeling like I was going to throw up. Start feeling better after lunch. Then spend the afternoon thinking about the first drink when I got home. It was like I complete forgot how miserable I was in the morning. I would continually obsess until that first drink was poured when I got home. 

In the hallowed hall of AA, we talk about an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind. Not only did I have a real physical allergy to alcohol (the barley and hops made me sneeze and get all stuffy), but I believe that my body and mind react differently to alcohol than that of my non-addicted friend. I kid you not folks, the idea of sitting and having a beer for taste kills me. What? It tastes horrible. Secondly, the idea of just having one? Or not finishing an entire alcoholic beverage? What is wrong with you people?? That is a travesty and you cannot convince me otherwise. Why would you waste it like that? That is how my mind operates around alcohol. Once I have the one drink, I literally cannot stop. In one of my classes, we were shown brain scans of alcoholic and drug addicts. After one use of our drug of choice, the communications between the reward center of the brain and the frontal lobe where decisions are made starts to decrease at a significant rate. Additionally, once the brain started to get the desire the chemical, the reward system lit up like a 474 airplane cockpit and extreme happiness ensued. 

These scans made perfect sense to me. I would make such horrible decisions when I was drinking. I would try to plan things out ahead so that when I started drinking I would put myself in a need to make a bad decision. Sometimes I would convince myself that I was going to drink that night. I would have maybe enough from the previous night in the house. I would change my mind and "just have the rest of that". Well, once I started, I needed more and more until I would get in the car and go to the liquor store on Lake & Chicago and try not to look at the cops in the eye because I had already been drinking. The same thing would happen if I started drinking and I ran out of cigarettes. I never thought I would start drinking and driving. I ended up doing that because I make horrible decisions under the influence. I am sure there are people shaking their heads saying "shame on you for putting others in harm's way..." I couldn't agree more. The next day and even today, I wake up thinking "How could I do that? I know better. Nothing is worth endangering the life of another person?" That is why most addicts start scratching their heads wondering how they got to the point they are. How can one liquid or powder bring me so low? When the mind is obsessed with the drug, the mind is also crafty enough to think of every justification in the book to keep the focus on getting more of the drug. The mind literally believes it is dying when the process of withdrawals starts. The dopamine levels in the brain drop so quickly and significantly, the brain is pretty sure its dying and so did I. I would shake, tremble and sweat. My stomach was in knots all the time. My head pounded and I saw sunspots most of the day. You know what the one thing that made me feel instantly better? A drink....the cycle continues.

Then enters the erratic behavior. My mind was racing with guilt and shame that I did whatever I did the night before. The chemicals in my brain were so out of whack that I could be laughing one minute and crying the next.  I would get into trouble because I still had some liquid courage in me from the night before and start mouthing off where I didn't need to. I started to cut corners at work because I was physically too tired to do everything to the best of my ability. There were a few days towards the end when I showed up for work when I wasn't supposed to be there. That was embarrassing. I was so anxious all the time and in my own world obsessing about the next drink. I was depressed. Nothing made me happy. I would be calling people all night, every night and ticking off the neighbors in my condo complex for taking out on the porch at 3am. 

So, what needs to be done in order to get into recovery. Well, that is an easy answer, just change everything. Change the way I think. Change the way I approach life. Change my schedule. Change my friends. Change my habits. Just change everything. Simple, right? I remember giving one of my patients in the nursing home some education about diabetes management. He had been recently diagnosed and wanted to understand what was going on. We talked about how the pancreas wasn't working as well anymore and his body was not able to produce enough insulin. His blood sugars would then be elevated and he had some complications from that. We talked about diet and getting some exercise. We talked about letting nursing staff know right away if he had any problems with his feet. He thanked me for all the information. About 10 minutes later, I saw him eating sugar cookies and ice cream. I went over and asked him how he thought these treats might affect his diabetes. His response "well, you are going to give me some of that insulin stuff later, right?" Same idea, change the lifestyle and the way things are perceived. It's not easy, especially when it comes to drugs and alcohol (and also ice cream for me...I love ice cream).

Look back today, I can say that I changed just about everything in my life. One of my biggest priorities was to change my living environment. I still live alone with two cats, but I could not stay in that condo. From the day I walked in to the day I stopped drinking, I had done all my drinking there. I drank nearly everyday in that place for 5 years. I went through my divorce in that place. I struggled financially in that place. I felt stress all the time, drinking or not. I needed to change my living environment ASAP in order to secure some sanity. On my way out the door for the last time, I dropped to my knees in the living room and asked God to rid this place of my demons. Please make it a happy home for someone else. I sure couldn't do it. A change in environment when a long way for me. 

The next priority was for me to get my mental health back in line. Common issues with chemical dependency and mental health are  follows:
1. Was there mental health issues prior to the starting of chemical use? To what degree? 
2. Are the mental health concerns presenting after cessation of use because of the chemical use or is there organic mental illness present?
3. Has there been permanent brain altercations because of use? If yes, medication management can prove to be difficult.
4. The brain takes approximately 1 year to 18 months to re-calibrate after the substance is no longer active in the system. What can be done in the meanwhile to manage major depressive symptoms and anxiety while the brain works to heal itself?
It was pretty easy for me - I had mental health issues for a long time. I think I suffered from anxiety from a younger age. I felt a lot of panic all the time in grade school. I know that in middle school and high school I was probably suffering from depression. The rest is history since I started my substance use in early high school. Anything that was already going on just got exacerbated when I used. Then, when I started to use on a very regular basis, it was the only thing I was using to control my symptoms. 

When I stopped, I still suffered with major depression-like symptoms. Seriously, folks, after 1 year, life took an amazing turn for the better. Before that year, it was feeling like I felt that was an excuse to relapse. "Well, if I am going to feel this crappy,I should just drink.....I still have all the same problems, but now I don't have alcohol. What the hell do I do now???" There was a lot of medication intervention, a lot of therapy and skill training classes along with treatment that got me to where I am today. I am fortunate in that I have a lot more resources that most folks. I had full insurance. I had a boss who really wanted me to DO ANYTHING to get better. I had full time employment. I had one of the best case scenarios. It still was hard to make it through the mental health stuff. Heck, I still struggle with mental health to this day. It is infinitely better than it ever was, don't get me wrong. I do need a little tweak now and then. 

The last thing I had to change was what I did in my spare time. Boredom is a huge trigger for relapse. I would be sitting and watching TV. I would drift off and get bored or be uninterested. My brain says...."you know what would make this 100x more fun? RUM!" I had to find things to do to keep my mind off of all the madness in my mind. Meeting were a good place to go. I always like going to meetings. When I walk into that room, no matter who is there, young, old, white, black, native, long hair, short hair, everyone in that room knows one of my greatest life's struggle. I don't ever have to say anything other than "Hi, my name is Julie and I am an alcoholic". After that, I am immediately bonded with everyone in that room. We share our strength and hope with each other and if it is a good meeting, we can have a good laugh about how insane we were at one point in our lives. On February 12, 2010, I walked from detox to the treatment center. The floor leader came up to me and took me into my first group. The three people next to me all introduce themselves as alcoholics....I bawled like a baby. I felt like I belonged somewhere. These people knew how my heart felt and they didn't even have to ask. They just know. Nothing in the world tops the fellowship in recovery - nothing.

Anyway, I am hoping this provides some insight to beginning in recovery. It is really hard for people to understand the behavior of an addict. In reality, the addict is confused too. That was one of my favorite parts of treatment, finding out that this craziness is part of the deal. I wasn't a horrible, dastardly human being, I was a sick human being that needed to get better. And I had to change everything to do it.

Julie  

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