Anger As A Drug

This week has been a test of patience quite honestly. The week started off good with a day off on Monday in which I was able to accomplish a lot of little things except getting oil changed. I just couldn't do the whole snow thing at 7:00am rush hour drive. That reminds me, I need to get that rescheduled. 

My internship was going relatively well this last week. I find it interesting now that I have been there a litte more consistently, I have noticed a reoccuring theme in our discussions regardless of the topic at hand - ANGER. The first couple of times I would talk about how anger seems to me the only emotion available immediately after the detoxification period. Addicts haven't felt anything for several months, years or decades. In fact, most of the time, addicts don't even know how to define their feelings. So it comes out as "I am mad/angry". I felt that way for about 6 months. Angry, about everything. 

We weren't really getting anywhere so I did a mini-presentation about "Anger as a Drug". It perplexed the group in the beginning..."I don't need this, I don't do this....". The presentation was mirrored after my own experiences with anger post-divorce, post-alcohol consumption, post-detox, etc. There were a few things that I liked about anger. It made me feel righteous on some level, especially when people would tell me that I was justified in my anger. There was also something kind of powerful about anger as well. Instead of feeling nervous, etc, I felt angry, full of adrenaline and....well...powerful. I felt as though I could say or do anything,

In the terms of anger as a drug, I described a slow build up of unexpressed emotions. There is a sense of irritability and annoyance with everything, not just the situation a person might be angry about. At some point, something needs to give and the anger comes out as lashing out or sabatoshing a relationship or fights with someone else. In the situation, for a minute, it feels good. The anger is getting released. There is a sense of control over something. Ahhhh......Then, just like having picked up a drink, there are more consequences and more issues to deal with now than before. As the situation defuses, now there is a sense of remorse and annoyance with self. Then, the cycle begins again, I hate what I did, I suck and now I am getting mad again....only a matter of time before the cycle repeats itself. Apparently this was a good description because it launched into an hour long discussion about using anger as a substitute for addiction. 

So, yesterday, I was angry. I have a situation with school that is leaving me short credits for a mental health licensure I really wanted. The school has been changing the program a lot and since I started there have been many changes which left me short of credits. Sadly, my school was aware of the situation last fall and failed to alert me to the situation.  I cannot take the credits I need this semester. This situation has woken up all the old grudges I have been carrying. I have been talking to my therapist about this anger. She reminded me once that my favorite DBT skill in the beginning 2010 was "Radical Acceptance". In essence, coming to a point of acceptance with a situation. Acceptance does not mean I like it or care for it. I just need to accept this situation and start the process of moving forward. In my past experiences, this skill was tremendous helpful in getting me to "move on" from a lot of things a few years ago. I used to hate when people would tell me that I needed to move on....I wanted to know "How do you do that??" Well, radical acceptance was the finally the answer I had been looking for.

Fast forward to 2014. Radical acceptance is like the first, second and third steps of the AA 12-steps. I have to do this more than once and usually on a daily basis. I wake up everyday and remind myself that I am powerless over alcohol and before I stopped drinking, my life had become unmanageable. I have to stay in the mindset of believing that my Higher Power will restore me to sanity and lastly I need to turn my will and life over to the care of my Higher Power. Apparently, except when it comes to this situation. This most recent issues drudged up a whole slew of feelings that I have not accepted yet. I have merely let them simmer under words of "whatever will be will be." Now, all those old feelings from last summer coupled with a new reason to be angry have set me in a spiral of bad thinking. (***Please note: I am not talking of relapse here. I am committed to my sobriety....). The hard part about the first 3 steps and radical acceptance, it needs to be done over and over. It's just not a one-time deal. That frustrates me, of course, I just want to have to do the acceptance-thing once and be done with it. Sadly, I can go from a place of acceptance to a place of unacceptance and allow the anger back into my life. 

That famous saying: "Resentment - I take the poison and wait for the other person to die". That is exactly what I am doing right now. I refuse to move past this anger. I feel justified. I feel righteous. I feel right. On some level, I feel like I lose that intensity if I just accept it. I feel like I am backing down from the "man" so to speak if I move on. On another level, I will have this school's name forever attached to me. It was something that I was supposed to be proud of. People will always ask about my education, especially in this field, etc. I just don't feel proud about this experience. I feel angry. I feel justified and righteous. I just do not want to give it way, not right now. In the stage of change, I know that I need to change but I remain in this pre-contemplative standpoint. I know there is a problem. I know what I need to do to fix it or at least attempt to fix it...and quite frankly...not even remotely interested. Nope. No thank you. I would rather sit in my little corner and wait a little longer to see if the other person suffers. Meanwhile, I sit in the corner and suffer under the weight of my own thoughts. 

I have a lot of work to do in my own world about the anger. The danger in this situation is if the anger comes out sideways. The changes are I will lash out at the wrong time or the wrong place. I am trying to be acutely aware of my actions in this arena. I am not done with school and I am already in the process of pursuing other alternatives in order to complete what I want to get done. I am just stuck in the anger phase right now. 

Tonight I pray as I have for the past few nights for God to take away my anger or at least come to a place where I can give it away instead of holding on to it. 

Peace, Julie

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