This week has been a week of occupational growth. As is with growth, sometimes it can be a bit painful. It is a good  pain, but a growing pain nonetheless. 

I haven't really done the family meeting per se, alone, although I have watched a few in my time. I remember starting my masters class about family counseling and decided approximately 8 minutes into the first class that there was NO way, NO how, NO NO NO family therapy in my future. I mean, how do people do that for a living?!? Bless them, for their work is very very difficult. 

Despite my feelings about it, I had to call a family meeting. I wonder if this family was obsessing about this meeting as much as I was. I knew I was getting into some trouble when I was starting to lose sleep over this meeting. I wanted to know,  what was bothering me so much? I went to family week up at Hazelden and learned more about the family unit and their need for recovery. I took a class in family therapy. I lectured again this past week about being "Addicted to the Addict in Your Life" - aka GET INTO YOUR OWN RECOVERY, dear family members. Maybe it is just easier to be on the outside of things instead of running it. I just felt ill-prepared and I was starting to obsess over it. 

I went to seek some counsel from a more senior counselor. I asked him if he would be willing to role play, or just let me talk through my agenda, etc. I told him where I was at, etc. etc. He was silent for a minute, then he asked "Can I be really honest with you?" In my heart of hearts, I wanted to "no, let's move on....." because I kinda knew what was coming. He tells me, "you got taken." In my industry, this concept revolves around the idea of taking on the client, all their problems and working harder than they are at this point. I kinda knew I had been taken with this situation but left our meeting not knowing where to go from here. It's a few days later and I am still feeling "taken". So, all that preaching I do to everyone out there, I am not really following myself. 

I was warned time and time again.....be careful for transference and counter-transference with clients. My fellow masters students who are reading this right now might have rolled their eyes a bit. We heard about it....A....L...O....T.

Transference was a word coined by Sigmund Freud to label the way patients "transfer" feelings from important persons in their early lives, onto the psychoanalyst or therapist. (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sacramento-street-psychiatry/201003/countertransference-overview)

Countertransference occurs when a therapist transfers emotions to a client. It is often a reaction to transference, a phenomenon in which a client redirects his or her feelings for others onto the therapist. (http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/countertransference)

As both of these article will indicate, it is generally not terribly problematic in the client:therapist relationship. It is something to just be aware of so that a situation like might mine evolve. I have a particular emotional response to this particular situation. I am not even sure delving into the why or how is really relevant.  There are just some people that are going to elicit this type of response in me. If I had to guess why it is happening here, I would have to say there is just a lot on the line and I want so badly for this person to succeed because I can clearly see the consequences if it does happen. Instead of meeting the client where they are at, I am trying to force recovery.

So, here I sit in this family meeting, telling everyone to "detach with love", "you all need your own recovery", "lots of evident codependency noted...." Yet, here I sit basically doing the same thing - worrying, taking on something outside of my control. Getting worried, looking for additional resources or alternatives. Basically sitting up too late tonight worrying about if I said the right thing. Should I reach out tomorrow and change my tone or pattern of behavior? You know what it really sounds like I need? An Ala-non meeting!!!! I am wondering if I would be willing to take my own advice here. Because this is kinda driving me nuts, yep, I think I am willing to give it a try. I have found my handy-dandy meeting locator and hoping posting here will keep me accountable. 

Blaine Alano
Meeting: 7:30 pm
Sunday
13536 Hwy 65 NE

I think it is time to go now to a meeting. Just like when I started nursing, I have this need and desire to do more than I am capable of doing. I am not going to convince my diabetic patient to quit eating ice cream if they have no desire to change, just like I am not going to get someone to quit drinking just because I want them to. This area is that infamous gray area in being a clinician. I have worked hard to form an alliance with my client and often times find it difficult to put the hammer down at the right time. I have strong and clear boundaries with some clients but not with others. The bare minimum I can offer everyone is consistency!!! It took me almost 5 years of nursing to move through the "super nurse" phenomenon. It was exhausting! In this new career, I think it is going to be even more exhausting and career breaking if I can't seem to deal with this better now. 

I will plan to hit this meeting or maybe another one sooner if I can. I look forward to "walking the walk and talking the talk". I have high expectations of feeling better after this little endeavor!

Now, to get some sleep....I am tired!!!
Julie

I'll often tell my clients that one of things I really don't want to hear from them is "I have wasted my whole life....." When I was sitting on that other side where they are right now, I remember exactly how that feels and why people say that. There is so much regret and shame of a life that seems to be wasted. We will focus in on time lost with those we love, time we "could have or should have" been doing something else and the tough one - with my clients - not being the mother to their children. 

For some reason tonight, I have been paging through the various years of my Facebook profile. I joined in 2007, which was 3 and 1/2 years before I got sober. Boy I was really trying hard to make sure the world only saw the best of my life. Not that I live out every bad moment on Facebook, but knowing my drunk self than anyone, I was really working hard to make sure that my life appeared normal and UBER happy.

There was definitely a change in tone when I was starting to get sober. I came out on that treatment high and had all sorts of inspirational things to say. Then, as time went by this whole "I have wasted my life" thing was starting to sink in. I wanted to share something that I had wrote in late 2010 - I was coming up on 6 months of sobriety. I had posted this in the personal notes for the world to see. My heart was hurting and this is why:

And I reflect....while packing up the memories
December 15, 2010 at 9:52pm
I guess there isn't much you can do about the past except to reflect on the lessons learned and how I will do things differently in the future. My heart is somewhat heavy this week. During the snow storm, I took the opportunity to go through my filing and get rid of papers I no longer needed. While gathering the boxes together, I came across a "keepsake" box I guess I had put together several years ago after my wedding. While the memories of that day were fond, it brought up some heartache about the eventual demise of that marriage.

What I finally came to realize as I discarded pictures, cleared out frames and packaged up several items to go to Goodwill, is that I don't think I am mourning the loss of my marriage so much as the dream I had built around it. A dream of my own family, security, the social comfort of being "married", etc. It's the death of the dream that is pulling at my heart right now. I wonder if I will ever have that life again. Did I screw up things so badly that I cannot tread near those dreams because of the current pain I feel? Deep questions, few answers.

I think these feeling are especially strong during the Holiday season. I do feel inadequate around my family. Everyone is married with children of their own. To me, it seems that everyone else is living the dream I so desperately wanted.  And still do want. I feel like I am a loser for not being able to "pull" it together and make it work. I feel unlovable at times.

As I reflect on my feelings and emotions, I search for what is needed here: Perspective. If God chose this route for me, maybe there is a bigger and greater good which has yet to be revealed to me that will satisify the cravings of my lost dream. I am sitting here trying to challenge my own perceptions of this situation. Am I unlovable? No. Am I loser for not being married? No. Is it OK to feel this way? Yes, but.....

The pain has to be felt and dealt with. I need to find a way to mourn my dream. Maybe some radical acceptance is in order here. I can change the future, which I am doing everyday. I cannot go back and change what has happened. In the grander scheme of things, all of the events of the past 10 years has led me to this point. A change to live and dream. Maybe a new dream is in order. Maybe what I think I want so badly is something that other people want for me. In an effort to people please, I am seeking this dream so others will be happy for me. Maybe that is not what I need or really even desire.

I think all mixed in here is a lot of shame and guilt. Two very furious feelings which can so easily drive behavior and choice. Again, these feelings need to be felt but not at the sake of my own sanity. I am thinking right at this moment, that my self-talk is about the only thing that is really going to help here. Propping myself up, acknowledge these feelings and talk myself into releasing it. In releasing the feelings, I am not forgetting what I learned or what I need to change. I am simply giving myself the opportunity to engage the world and try again.

Wish me luck as I venture to do this in the next several weeks.

Happy Holidays all!

Julie 
======================================================================================================
In this entry, I was processing these feelings of massive regret, wondering if there was something bigger and better out there for me. My heart jumped a little while I was reading this tonight and I found myself wanting to say to Julie 2010 - oh yeah, there was something huge for you, just wait until a few years. When I wrote this, I just wanted to be married and "like everyone else". I was still in a bit of the self-pity mode about being an alcoholic. "OH whoa is me, why me?" Additionally, I had felt lost and uncertain about what this life of sobriety was really going to look like and feel like, for that matter. In December 2010, it felt pretty crappy if you want to know the truth. I felt lonely, unsuccessful, angry, wallowing in self-pity. I refused to believe the promises of the 12 steps. I was still harboring some anger toward God and I was still mad as hell about being on that monitoring program. So much insecurity, so much misdirected anger and just a good ole ton of fear.

A few weeks ago, I covered for a group for another counselor. Since I didn't know these guys, I had them go around and introduce themselves, tell me what brought them here and on a scale of 1-10, what was their motivation for recovery today. Well, if you guys remember, I started with the men's residential program.....doing this type of introduction with 15 men took about 29 minutes. "Yep, name is Bob, my wife put me through an intervention and I am about an 8 today." Bless these women....I got from age 4 until the present, a monologue of perceived reasoning for walking through the doors, and not only a number, a short dissertation about that number. 

When the intro finally came back to me, my usual role is to talk about some consistencies I see in their stories. The one absolute, overriding similarity was overt shame over a wasted life. Even the 16 year old clients were talking about a life wasted. I don't like hearing that because I stand here, today, proof that all that hell and anguish was worth something. However, when I came across this old entry on Facebook, I was reminded that I not only felt that way, I used it over and over again to justify relapsing. 

I am still trying to figure out a better way to convey the message of the Unwasted Life in a way that is tangible to my clients. I don't do my testimony at work because, well, it's work. I am not their recovery buddy, I am their counselor. So, I don't usually tell them that this addiction can be a catalyst to a whole new world of opportunities. There is this balance in recovery about the past, present and future. One of my male clients came flying into group one day and told me "I heard the best thing, 'if you are anxious, you are living in the past, if you are worried, you are living in the future and all you are doing is pissing on the present.'" I have a feeling the original quote was a little different as this is an AA ideal. If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, you are not able to be in the present, or in the case of this quote, I guess you are peeing on it. Noted and actually quite correct. 

As addicts, we should never forget the past. The past can function as a reminder of who we don't want to be. I believe it is important to remember some of the pain for the sheer reminder that only I can bring myself back to that place by picking up the bottle again. What I cannot do, it focus on the divorced, the lost time with my nephew, other people's time that I wasted. I need to do some 8&9th step work there (Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them. Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, unless do so would injure them or others )  By making the amends, I have asked for forgiveness for the wrongs that I have done and am making a commitment to that person to work my program of recovery and lead a good life moving forward. It's like we need to draw that line in the sand and say "what happened, happened....no going back....no changing it.....time to accept the past for what it is and the lessons learned....move on, move forward." There is also a need, at this point, to forgive ourselves for the past as well. Again, this is not forgetting it, it is learning from it and building a life on the complete other spectrum.

I received one of the most stunning compliments of my life. I lectured a few times to the residential folks at my job. I got done presenting about communications skills and developing boundaries. I usually have a few people that will hang around and chat with me about something in particular they want to know how to approach or handle. In the line of people was one of the staff members. I had noticed that she was coming to monitor the ladies while I am presenting. It's hard to crowd control and talk at the same time. I was pretty sure she was going to tell me that there wasn't enough staff to continue to have a person in with me. That was actually fine because I take a very hard line with people when I present. If you don't want to be here, fine, then sit in the corner and be quiet so those who want to be here can listen. After following through and asking 3 people to leave, they know I am serious and fall immediately into line. So I was prepared to say, that's fine, I won't need a staff with me anymore.

http://www.esquire.com/blogs/food-for-men/things-not-to-say-to-a-sober-person?src=soc_fcbks

On June 22, 2009, I was laid off from a nursing job. I had left the long-term care position I had previously because I had started dating my supervisor. (Yes, Yes, bad idea....but I pursued other employment to avoid being fired for fraternizing).  I knew things with this job weren't going well. I had been hired on in anticipation of a contract with a company. Well, 6 months into this position, the contract never happened and I knew I was on borrowed time. 

Even the nursing arena had been hit hard in 2008-2009. I must have applied for 20 to 25 jobs in the first two weeks I was laid off. I had limited savings and got a severance package that kept me going for about a month. I had a job for a week in July 2009. It was so horrible that for the first time in my life, I just walked out. When I met with the director on the way out door, she wasn't surprised. She knew this place was dysfunctional. During that week, however, I got notification that I had been selected for an interview in the transplant center (which I had applied for on 06/22/2008...just hearing back in July with an interview scheduled in August). While it was almost 2 months after that email, I got the job and I was so excited by the whole thing. 

It was in the fall of 2009 that I was beginning to spiral into the final stages of addiction. I was still drinking almost every day. I couldn't wait until the day time orientation was completed so I could get back to nights. The schedule allowed me to work 7 days on, 7 days off. Overnights, 12 hours, etc. etc. When I started initially, I was able to not drink in between my 12 hour shifts for a few months. My addiction, however, had progressed to a point where it was no longer physically possible for me NOT to drink almost daily. I started drinking in between shifts in December of 2009. I would go into work hung over but I didn't work with anyone at that point so it didn't really matter. With this schedule, 1 day per rotation, I worked from home for 24 hours. In January 2010, I could no longer make it through that 24 hours without drinking. I knew in my deepest conscious that I needed to do something. I was just so scared. I would start drinking at the end of that 24 hour shift as soon as I could. It was getting bad.

In January 2010, I was drinking over a liter of rum a day. I was unable to eat. I would shake like a tree if I couldn't get something to drink within 4-5 hours of waking up. I showed up one night at work on a day I wasn't supposed to be there. I worked Thursday through Thursday and ended up showing up on a  Wednesday because I couldn't figure out exactly what day it was when I woke up. I was literally confused and decided to go into work. After being there for 2 hours, I had to page my supervisor and tell him that I wasn't supposed to be working that day. He knew I sounded off but didn't think much of it. Things happen, you know.

On February 8th, 2010, I was admitted to detox for the first time. I finally reached out for help and my Mom stepped in to get me where I needed to be which was the ER. I was admitted with a blood alcohol level of 0.27. I had not had a drink for approximately 4 hours when I took this. The doctor told me with the amount I was drinking, I likely peaked out at 0.38-0.40. I was still coherent, chatting away, feeling pretty good actually. I didn't know that I was going to be admitted. I was admitted a few days before I was due back for my work. I needed to call my boss and tell her that I was in detox and I really wanted to go to treatment when I was done. I knew if I went back home, I would be right back at it.

I called my boss from a secluded corner in the dining area with my hand cupped over the receiver as if that was going to make a difference in the conversation I was about to have. My boss picked up the phone and it a quiet voice - "Hi Cathy, this is Julie, your night LPN. Ummm....well, I am in the hospital...." I heard a motherly gasp in her voice and she asked what happened and am I OK. I started to tear up and said "Cathy, I have a drinking problem and I need to go to treatment." She immediately responded "Julie, you do what you need to do, I will take everything on our side. We will put you on leave, I won't tell anyone what's going on. You go and take care of yourself." Now, by this point, I was just bawling, feeling like this whole situation just got real. "Honey, you call me if you can and  tell me how you are doing. If you don't want to, don't worry about it, call me when you are ready to come back.  We love you, OK?"

Little did I know that my boss had a lot of experience with addiction and she turned out to me one of my biggest cheerleaders out there. She respected my privacy. After returning to work after being out for 6 weeks, not one person in that office knew what had happened. As far as they knew, I was on a medical leave, I would be coming back and that's it. Even through my relapses, she was extremely supportive of me. When I was placed in the HPSP program, she took her job as my clinical supervisor very seriously. She was diligent about reporting what she saw. She made accommodations to my schedule so that I could attend DBT for a year and go to intensive outpatient treatment for 12 weeks. I think she might have taken my sobriety more seriously than I did at this point.

I have felt tremendously loyal to my LPN position within transplant. Because my boss was so flexible about my needs and prioritized my health and safety over many things, I always wanted to be the strong and reliable employee. I wanted to show her that I could do it. I wanted her to be proud of me. As I let my guard down with others about my addiction, I found that I had some wonderful  co-workers who supported me in anyway that they could. During on of my relapses, I paged my favorite doctor that I worked with.....ummm....not the brightest idea, but it happened. When I called her to tell her what was going on and that I had relapsed, she told me "Julie, after this, we are never going to talk about this again. There is no need to apologize. I was honored that you thought I could help you....." 

Over the past few years, we have had a lot of changes.  My boss was no longer my boss and I had 2 or 3 new ones until recently. The position I created and stayed in for 3 years was terminated which was actually the right thing to do. I really loved that position though. It was at this time in late 2012, I saw the writing on the wall and had left the full time position to pursue school. Again, my new supervisor was able to figure out a way to keep me on as a casual employee. Then, when I had a semester of chaos, I was able to return to work full time for the summer. Time and time again, there has been a lot of accommodations that were made for me, and for that I have felt a tremendous amount of debt and gratitude.

Since finishing school, I have continued to limp on in this position. I have become increasingly unhappy and itching to move on in my new career. Despite the fact that I mostly get love from my co-workers, there are some that remain difficult at best. I don't work for any particular group. I am often detached because I work scarce hours. I was hoping to be in a position to develop another position; however, looking at where I am right now, I think I would benefit from some more experience than I currently have in order to do what I proposed. Additionally, I have worked as an LPN for the past 5 years and it would take a lot of effort to develop the credibility within my own peers. I don't really have the desire or energy to fight for my credentials. 

Yesterday, I submitted my notice to the transplant center. My last day will be 08/01/2014. I will be terminating my employment one month shy of 5 years. This job has been the longest stretch of continuous employment I have had in my life. I often time leave jobs after 6-12 months. Mainly, my job-hopping had to do with my drinking. If I thought people were getting too close, I would just leave. The jobs were plentiful and I had the luxury of being about to do wander around at my will. Not only, then, am I leaving this organization, I am also transitioning out of nursing which is exactly the reason that I went back to school in the first place. I plan to keep my license active and may continue to work as a private duty nurse for  "fun" money. My wish is that my LPN career ends with transplant. I told people at the beginning of my employment "It doesn't get any cooler than transplant and this will be my last job as an LPN". I had that instinct many years ago, and still feel that way today. While I am sad about leaving, I believe that I am ending my career and my time at the transplant center on a complete high. I accomplished many things - I got sober, I got my mental health stabilized, I learned more than I could ever have imagined, I have met some of the coolest people I know and I was able to finally stick to a job - and do it well.

So, in August, I will end my time in transplant. When I hit the "SEND" button on the email to my boss, I do have to admit that I had a huge sense of relief. I have sort of felt like the house guest that had overstayed my welcome. I know that what I do for them now is appreciated and helpful; however, it does not do the same thing for me like my other job. My dedication to them was slowly fading and I was struggling to keep my commitment to them. I will never ever forget my time there and I still believe in my heart of hearts that it was because of this job and my then-supervisor, I got sober. I finally found a job that I wanted to get better for (among other things of course). I believe God had a hand in all of this. Had it not been for the flexibility that had been granted to me, I would not have been able to invest the time into getting sober that I needed. I would have been back to job hopping and continuing to spiral down until something majorly catastrophic happened (i.e. a patient being harmed from my negligence, etc.). 

I am a firm believer that "I am where I am because I need to be here right now." Now, I have a full time offer being worked up as we speak as an addictions counselor with my other job. I threw out some applications for on call LADCs or on call LPNs. I got 3 call backs already for interviews. Should I need that second job for a few months, I know that I can get something lined up. I threw this whole situation over to God (doin' some 3rd step work here....) and I just know, not just feel, but know that God will take care of me.

Take care all and have a wonderful rest of the week!
Julie

I have really started getting into the job at my treatment center. I am in charge of the community outpatient program and float around in the residential setting helping where I can. I accepted an "on-call/casual" position with them. I wasn't sure that I was going to like it. Much to my pleasure, I love it. Really, really love it. I am lecturing, sharing my knowledge, teaching, learning, etc. etc. At the end of May, I was trying to figure out what I should do. Should I pursue a full time position with them? What about my nursing job and the "maybe" offer of something in the future?

I am working in a community outpatient program these days. I have changed from working with men to women. In both cases, I had my own assumptions about both populations assuming that men would be harder to work with than women. I also assumed that I would be able to identify with the problems of women easier than those of men. Well, as always, one should never assume anything. 

When I worked with the guys, we talked a lot about integrity and "doing the next right thing". I held my group to a high standard. If you didn't want to be there, say it and then be quiet for those who do want to be here. If you want to be here, you are going to have to get honest and stand face to face with the issues that brought you to treatment. I expected and demanded of my group to be the example for the other men on the floor. I challenged them to do "the next right thing" for your recovery. If there is a fight, walk away. If you are insulted by another person, turn the other cheek and don't engage. If there is distress, reach out a hand of support. I was lucky, in a lot of way, I had men who tried and were willing to do just this on a daily basis. They were often excited to tell me how they did the next right thing and it was a life changer. I simply reminded them, I am not going to change your life, you are. 

When I changed my focus to women, I realized I couldn't challenge them to the "next right thing" in terms of integrity like the men. Mainly, because my women were always doing the next right thing.....for someone else. There is so much external focus on pleasing the outside world that my challenge would translate into additional burdens on an already spent soul. So, when one of my client's mentioned, "I just want to do the next right thing" I asked her what that meant to her. She replied it had to do with doing the next thing that would take her further down her road of recovery and re-establish her relationship with God. In essence, the next right thing for her was to take care of HERSELF and not the rest of the world around her. When we throw these words around in group, I try to keep that perspective in my mind - take care of self, not others. I have mothers, young mothers, abused women, women with little or no self-esteem. Then, I have the strong, street tough women who are literally afraid of NOTHING, because they have been to hell and seen the worse of the worse. There is no sense in working from an angle of "dying from overdose" or fear mongering as it were. In their minds, they have looked death in the face and it looks more appealing some days than continuing with this life. They are fighters and survivors. They have always been doing "the next right thing" to stay alive and intact. 

I went to church today and the sermon really touched on this concept of going into hell and helping. When I made my trip to Honduras, getting on the ground and touching the people was what I had been searching for as far as helping my fellow brothers and sisters. It made me realize all the hurt, pain, hunger, abuse, homelessness and sadness that are happening in my own backyard. I think of the beggars on the corners at almost every intersection I drive through on my way to and from work. I think of the homeless man sleeping in the park across the street from the treatment center. I see the men and women being pushed out of the underpasses of bridges by my freeway entrance. These are my people. These are the people I want to help. I want o help them break the cycle of addiction, incarceration, abuse, homelessness and violence. There is a local church that has people going out on cold nights and getting the homeless into their shelters for the night. There is a church by the treatment center that feeds the homeless every night at 5pm. In order to feel like I am doing the next right thing, I feel this inner desire and passion to be on the ground, working in the trenches to lift others to their full potential. 

MAM and I went out to lunch today and during our conversation she mentioned her trip through Tennessee with a church on just about every corner. She asked "If there are this many churches, why are there still homeless people?" Oh, such a true statement. If every church were doing what St. Stephen's is doing, homelessness would be substantially reduced. Right? Why is this a problem that is turned away from? In my own personal opinion, people who are homeless are seen as less. They are "junkies", "vagabonds", "losers", "moochers". They are scary and dirty. They are dangerous and unpredictable. In fact, most of the time, they are rarely regarded as people. Very few people see the homeless for what they really are - people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol, people who are severely undertreated for mental health conditions, people who were never given the opportunity to break the cycle of poverty, people who are simply people with bigger problem than our own. 

Many of the women and men I have worked with over the past 6 months have come from the streets. What I see from these individuals are people fighting on a daily basis for their lives. In the winter months this year, we were busting at the seams with the amount of people seeking treatment, many of them because it was a warm place to stay. That was fine with me because those individuals stayed sober at a higher rate than some of those who had a home to go to. Instead of whining about having to get up at 6:30am for breakfast, they were just happy for breakfast. The whole treatment aspect was just a bonus. We were able to establish other services that allowed them to continue to their sober journey off of the streets and get some education/job training. When they complete the year long program, they will be able to work, be sober and find a place to live. When I work with these clients, I often think of a quote from Fight Club, "It is not until we have lost everything, we are free to do anything." These clients are not bound by the opinion of others. They are not bound by the worry of losing more. Life can only move up from here if they choose to engage in recovery. They are bound by the hope of not going back to the streets. 

Since I have started working with the women, I have felt a higher level of satisfaction, career wise, than ever before. Don't ever get me wrong, transplant is pretty dang cool and I work for the center that takes the "rejected" patient from a nationally known facility because we would rather try and give them a chance at life than fully reject their only options for a life. So, in a way, I am glad to be working for that center. However, even at the best of nights, I still felt a lack of something. I believe I had anticipated as a nurse that I would be on the front line in helping other people. I believe I do that, but not to the degree that fulfills a higher calling. I said in a blog entry long ago, I really feel like there is something big for me in the field of addictions. It is starting now with this current job. When I stand on the stage, in front of the classroom or in the middle of my group, I feel like we are working together for the common goal of sobriety and reducing the stigma of addiction. My actions in those places are me. I stand before and with families and addicts and model the behavior of recovery. I have a relationship with my Higher Power as I understand Him. I am not afraid to talk about, nor do I really care what you think of it. I stand with my head high and say "Hi, my name is Julie and I am an alcoholic". 

The 12th step reads: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. So in my immediate world, doing the next right thing is this step. In the past 2-3 months, I have had what I would call a spiritual awakening. Something awoke in my spirit recently that tells me I have the ability and strength to carry my message of hope to others suffering from addiction. God gave me this gift of public speaking and this ability to write. I often wanted to be a writer or a speaker and thought "what would I write about?" Well, my biggest secret, my biggest failure (so I thought), my strongest anchor in not moving forward - addiction. Now my addiction is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I was able to strip myself of the shame. I was able to reach out on a whole new level to people. I have been able to be an ear to the readers of this blog. Many people over the past 2 years have reached out to me personally to talk about how addiction is currently affecting them or someone in their lives. I first set out to write a blog about getting sober. Well, ladies and gents, it has turned into my very own website and possibly the makings of something bigger than I could have imagined. 

The message from church today was to start small. When you see a need, meet that need if you are able. I have done that here and there over the years through my nursing and some volunteer activities. That is where is started for me and now that I have stumbled onto something where I can touch 10-80 lives a day? It's the best.

Peace Out
J

I was cleaning out my bag 'o everything the other day. If my house looked like my bag, I might qualify as a hoarder. I shoved everything in there with the idea that I will get back to them such as "Fill out our survey and tell us how we did!" or a mail-in-rebate. Good grief, I don't know why I kid myself that I have time or stamps.

What I do shove in my purse that I eventually get back to are things that strike my interest to write about. I pulled out the bulletin from a church service with all my notes scribbled all over. There were some many items in this little 15-20 minute sermon that really caught my attention. So, I guess this would be part 2. My previous blog entry was Wisdom versus Consequence. Today - Discipline versus Regret.

Discipline and Regret have addiction recovery written all over it. In the previous blog entry, I spoke about internalizing the wisdom of the people who came before us in recovery. Well, what the people in recovery are going to tell you is that they go to meetings, they work the steps, they have a sponsor, they sponsor other people and created and sustained to recovery-oriented relationships. Those who return to AA or treatment after a relapse will often times tell you that they stopped doing what they were recommended to do to sustain recovery. Now, this does not necessarily mean that everyone has to go the route of AA. In the absence of AA, as a clinician I am going to tell you about the same in that you need to build structure in your life, seek mental health services, get new friends, ditch the old one, find recovery-based activities and continue in treatment. If you are interested in AA, I am going to tell you, go to meetings, find new friends, build structure, etc. etc. You get the point. 

Whatever the post-treatment or early recovery scene looks like for a person, it requires a certain sense of discipline. On the whole, addicts don't like this. Discipline means that we do something every day whether we want to or not in an effort to keep stability. Hmmmm.....let's think about this one for a moment. Me, as the addict, what do I think of discipline? I think it is hard and boring. There is no excitement to "high" to have here. Structure sucks, mostly. I get bored. Yeah, I don't think I am alone in some of the feeling here. My guess is, addict or not, you may identify with some of these feelings. Addicts by nature are quite impulsive, may display thrill seeking behaviors and surely enjoy instant gratification. When I sit down with someone in early recovery and talk about this need for structure and discipline in order to maintain recovery, they look at me like I am speaking Sanskrit. "What is this foreign concept you are talking about? I have to motivate myself?" Bare in mind, we have been under the influence of drugs creating our motivation to keep us moving on. We don't have that anymore, now it is up to us.

Time and time again (and believe me, I did this too), the advice/wisdom of those who came before us falls upon deaf ears. I always felt I would have a will and a way; I just needed to get some time away from liquor and I would never use again. Let's see, that lasted all of 60 days. Now we move on to regret. The very first time I was in detox, the drug and alcohol counselor doing my assessment educated me about the HPSP nursing monitoring program. While the enrollment was voluntary, she highly recommended I get signed up. I shook my head calming, looked at the information and said "Hell no. 3 years of tracking? That means I can't drink again. Nope, not gonna do it." So I put the brochure in the back of the folder. My counselor came up to me and started talking about how HPSP works and that she could be my point of contact, blah blah blah. I didn't have the heart to tell her that there was NO WAY I was doing this program. Then, she went on vacation and I never looked back. 

Upon discharge, I was asked to consider sober living. Nope, not gonna do that, I have my kittens. Well, how about aftercare one day a week. Yep, I can do that. Can you stop working nights? Nope, love it too much. Could you get a roommate? Nope. Don't want one. Well, please attend some meetings, will ya? Yeah fine. I attended a total of 5 meetings in the first 60 days out of treatment. I dropped out of aftercare after 2 meetings. I had a sponsor but never bothered to call her. No step work, just grinning and bearing this life of "sobriety."

When people ask me what the hardest thing in early recovery is - I will easily answer that staying motivated to do what I need to do in order to be sober. This is a highly disciplined list of things to do - meetings, working the steps, making amends, acknowledging weaknesses, therapy, groups, aftercare, outpatient treatment. When I spent that summer relapsing, I wanted my family to be proud of me being sober, but that seemed about it for motivation. I knew the cat was out of the bag as far as my drinking was concerned. There was no more hiding out and drinking. I couldn't seem to muster the internal desire to stay sober. I think I was worried about failing. I remember wishing the whole time I was in detox that I had never said anything about needing help. In a way, I still felt like that for the spring and summer of 2010 while relapsing. I wanted to stay sober but I certainly didn't want to have to work for it - geez!

So, I spent the whole summer in a period of regret. I regretting drinking again. I regretted my behavior. I regretted having invested so much into my treatment, only to be back out drinking in a couple of months. I had no hope that I would ever be able to stay sober unless something externally motivated me to do something. I used to get so anxious when I went in for my physical that when they took my annual blood samples for labs that I was going to have liver problems. Each time I didn't, that seemed to be a license to continue on. I must have a liver of steel or something. I kinda had it in the back of my head that if my health took a turn, then I would be willing to stop. That would provide me with the much needed motivation to quit drinking. 

God really has my number. Every night that I was drunk, I would beg through prayer to help and make it stop. By morning, it was "God just get me through the day...". I was always asking and crying and begging; never bothering much to listen. Well, God said "if you can't listen, I will just shout in your face". The psychiatrist that was overseeing my detox #4 admission flat out told me, "If you don't sign up for HPSP right now, I am reporting you to the board of nursing. There are two ways out that door. Your choice." Thanks, God....because I picked up the phone and it saved my life. I had external motivation to the extreme. Now I was all willing to do whatever it took to save my nursing license. I even went beyond and signed up for a 15 month DBT course with weekly counseling for 3 years. Talk about some serious discipline. Well, guess what - I have very little regret during those 3 years. I got sober. I have a sponsor. I have lots of sober friends. I sponsor people. I got my master's and am now working in the field (and I love it). Discipline = putting in small pieces of effort daily to stay the course of sobriety. No discipline = relapse = regret AND major consequences. I finally had my time to listen and internalize the message of those who came before me so I could not have consequences that I would seriously regret down the road.

I was so terrified of leaving the HPSP program. Would I still remain disciplined after the external motivation was gone? In a way, I knew I could easily slide back. One of my motivations to go into this particular field was to have a level of accountability. If I relapse, I cannot practice as a counselor for 2 years. 2 years!!!! I can go back to nursing and while I like that, I wanted to move on from there. 2 years people! Being sober for as long as I have been to date, I know that I could not lie if I relapsed. The guilt would eat me whole. Whatever would be left of me after that would be eaten up with regret. I actually really fear for myself should I ever relapse. I think it would be epicly bad in all sorts of way. Apparently, that is enough for me to stay on the current course. Not to mention, I would be disappointing so many people around me. Now, I know that I would have tons of support in an event like that, but I would feel so ashamed of choosing liquor over all that I have today. 

I think I am actually going to put together a lecture for my clients on these subjects. How do we build up this discipline? How do we motivate ourselves? If I treated my sobriety like I treat my diets for weight loss, I would be hosed. Most of my clients kinda treat their sobriety like that and they are off the wagon before they know it. In the field, we warn people against the "treatment high". Statements like "I am so ready to go home and try all my new skills!" scares us to no end. People who have a healthy fear of going home are often the ones that stay motivated for longer periods of time. That does not mean one needs to live in fear of their drug for the rest of their lives. If someone has a beer around me, I don't fall into the fetal position and beg for my Mom. However, it is MORE than healthy to stay away from it, knowing oneself well enough to say "I can't be around it." 

I had a most marvelous weekend with an old college friend. He has been in my life since 1996 and I am always grateful for NH. .His visit reminded me so poignantly how some true relationship in life will never fade, regardless of distance or time. He also reminds me that friendship is the key to success and happiness in life. Thank you NH for the special visit - I owe you one, now, out to NY :)

XOXOX
Julie

Since my last blog entry, quite a few things have changed around here, which at this point, feel like really good changes. For one, I started my first job as a CD Counselor with a small outpatient group of women. This has been going very well. I am still working for the same facility that I interned at this fall. I know that I struggled while I was there this semester. However, I interviewed with a different group and felt like I would be a great fit with the management and with the program. The way I have been greeted and welcomed into this program has been absolutely amazing. It is such a positive atmosphere.

This was the first 2 weeks of working two part time jobs that make full time hours. This first week was really rough. I did exactly what I thought I was going to do. I got up on Monday at 8:00 and then stayed up too late in the night because I didn't need to go to work until 2:00pm. I had a moment of genius last Friday. I have been really spoiled with not having to work 5 days a week for a long time. So, I thought....if that is what I want, I can make that happen. So, I will have 3 long days of 12 hours and then one 8 hour day. That gives me 37 hours between both jobs and 3 day weekends. Once I get moving,  I am totally OK with the longer day. When I spend too much time sleeping or changing my sleeping schedule, I get messed up really quickly and it makes  it  hard to get up when I need to get up. So this week was the new schedule and I had an attitude change of 150% for the better. I feel better, taking my medications regularly and at the same time along with having a nice schedule that gives me the down time that I need. 

So, this morning, I went down to my car to get my pop. I had a smile on as I hopped down the stairs. I kinda wondered what this was all about. Last week, I was thinking that I wasn't going to stay with my nursing job. Maybe it was time to move on now and one of my co-workers I don't see very often was reinforcing this message to me. I was thinking that maybe I had made a mistake taking the counseling job. I had been looking for an assessment position or intake coordinator position before I took this one. Now I had taken a direct counseling position that I wasn't sure I even want to do. I started worrying if I was making enough money and blah blah blah.

Now this week, it's a totally different story. Suddenly the money isn't that big of a deal because I am still earning about the same amount of money as I was before and I have a schedule that wouldn't be possible at a lot of other places. So, part of the reason things are better is because of the schedule change. The other part of this deal is that I have responsibilities at both places. When I work only here or there, I don't feel like I really "own" anything. Now, I fully realize that almost everyone in either place is replaceable including me, but when I don't own anything, I don't feel needed or effective the way I want to be in my work environment. I am motivated by feeling like I am needed. I know my internship needed me but I also knew that there were so many other people available to do the few little assignments that I had. I managed to consistently show up at work because I knew the work that I did on that one day needed to get done and I felt like I couldn't miss. I am not sure why this is such a powerful motivator. 

I had expressed concern to my therapist last month that since I was 16, I hardly ever called in sick. What happened to me? Part of it is that I don't have to hear anyone's disapproval since I can text and email that I am not coming in. Not good for me...I realized recently, I realized some of the major motivators to show up for work when I was drinking was not have people mad at me. I know when someone calls in sick, it sucks for the shift and we all start complaining about that person. I was motivated by people not doing that to me. I didn't want anyone to be mad at me for any reason. So I showed up because of other people's opinion of me. As I got sober, I still held on that "everyone needs to like me" thing so I think that continued to motivate me. Then, when I changed to a job in which I worked a week on, week off....yeah, I hardly worked so I wasn't burnt out. 

I changed to part time and school. Normally I love school. I think there were a couple of things that played into my difficulties. One, I was disappointed by my school experience so the motivation to drive 60 minutes 1 way several times a week when I am not happy with that. As far as internship time, I was insecure and intimidated by the whole process. The people who supervised me didn't really enforce my fear that they might be upset with me. Additionally, I don't care as much now about what people think about me. However, I am still concerned about being appropriate in a work environment. I think there were some other underlying issues that I have been working through, setting me up for a better success now going forward. The biggest blessing this year has been my health insurance. Having mental and chemical health issues, insurance companies wouldn't touch me with 100 foot pole. But now, I was able to get back into see my therapist and doctors to get my health and mental health issues address. I think I might be just getting some positive kickback from  being able to see my providers and not have the stress of not having enough cash to pay for a $300 visit. 

If you ever had the opportunity to see a documentary about the life of Albert Einstein, I highly recommend it. The guy was amazingly weird. It's no wonder that AA adopted such a pertinent quote for someone that wasn't quite right like the rest of us addicts!