An Occupational Calling

I received one of the most stunning compliments of my life. I lectured a few times to the residential folks at my job. I got done presenting about communications skills and developing boundaries. I usually have a few people that will hang around and chat with me about something in particular they want to know how to approach or handle. In the line of people was one of the staff members. I had noticed that she was coming to monitor the ladies while I am presenting. It's hard to crowd control and talk at the same time. I was pretty sure she was going to tell me that there wasn't enough staff to continue to have a person in with me. That was actually fine because I take a very hard line with people when I present. If you don't want to be here, fine, then sit in the corner and be quiet so those who want to be here can listen. After following through and asking 3 people to leave, they know I am serious and fall immediately into line. So I was prepared to say, that's fine, I won't need a staff with me anymore.

"Julie, I just love when you present. I saw you a few Saturdays ago and just had to come back when you were here today. I am in school for my masters in psychology and if I can present half as well as you, I would be satisfied. The women just love you because you don't come off as condescending or superior. You have a lot of credibility." I was absolutely taken aback in the best way possible. I love being up there. I love sharing the knowledge. I am happy to see that they are engaged. I actually started to tear up a little. I just say "Oh wow, ummm...thank you. I think that is one of the nicest things I have heard in a long time." I felt this little shiver go down my spine and wondered if God was just giving me a little boost to let me know my decision to leave my job was a good one. 

I started thinking on my drive home. Why do we as recovering addicts feel so compelled to join this field. Let me tell you, it is not for the money!!! When I got into treatment the first time, there was a woman in my group that was so ready to get out there and conquer the world. She was going to go back to school, get her counseling degree, be an addictions counselor, etc. etc. My first thought? "You are nuts." Who the hell would want to work with a bunch of addicts? Our group had lots of drama. At that point, I hated conflict and confrontation so much that I would almost hit the point of a panic attack if I saw it starting. My heart would be racing 120+ bpm, I would start sweating and my thoughts would be all over the board. Well, if I felt that way in a group, how would I ever be a counselor. I mean, isn't that what they do all day long is confront people?

It was shortly after I hit 18 months of sobriety that I got the bug about addiction's counseling. I was researching grad schools. I am kind of in this weird middle world as far as my education and experience. My bachelors was in German. I went back for my diploma for practical nursing. I couldn't really do much in the masters field of nursing because I would really need my RN in the meanwhile to do something with that. Being an LPN restricts what I am able to do independently. So there is no point pursing some of the masters degrees because I couldn't really use my nursing. It's hard to explain but just know that I would have needed to do my RN in order for a lot of the Master level nursing programs to function. Then came the idea that I should get my MBA. I could certainly focus on healthcare management. Again, I just could not visualize where I fit in all of that. I am a low ranking nurse and would likely not be terribly respected with an MBA. I looked around at jobs and the like. I was going to write my essays and give them to my sister to proofread. I showed her the one question about what I was looking to do with this degree. I told her I was having a hard time and she said "well, the reason you go back for an MBA is money." Without knowing it, she was actually commenting on the exact reason I was even looking at the degree. If I was going to invest $80,000, I better be earning some serious bank to pay that off. I never did answer that question because I did have an answer. "Dear University - I want to do this program because I really want a masters and you guys don't make people take the GREs and I kinda am not sure about my job and MBAs earn more money than I do. The End. Please accept me."

It was in February 2012 that I was still try looking at school. I just wasn't really connecting with particular program. Then I thought, what the heck, does anyone do a masters program in addiction studies. If you google it right now, Hazelden Graduate School of Addictions Studies is likely to be the top advertised link. I live 50 miles from Hazelden and had no clue they had a graduate school. I drive the 50 miles to the open house in Feb. They presented the program, the staff, had a few students around. There were 80 other people at the information session. I guess it was there that I really got the bug. As I was writing my essays, etc., I was laughing to myself. I was reminded of my own thought that I wasn't sure if I really wanted to do this. Didn't I say I was never going to do this? Well, answering the three admissions essays took me all of 20 minutes. I knew the answers to these questions. Why did I want to do this? Because sobriety is the best thing I have experienced in my life. I thought I was hopeless when I went in....I want to help people get sober.

The first day of orientation was kind of exciting. That cohort group was fairly large. I started out as a part-time student. I was happy to be back in a learning environment. The first 4 classes I took, I was very engaged in all of the information. I really had felt like this was the right thing to do. It felt like a really good choice. You know that saying "80% of people go into psychology to figure out what is wrong with themselves?"; yeah well, that was how my second semester in graduate school felt like. The studies in that semester started to grate on me because it was calling out all of my past behavior and staring addiction right in the face. It was pretty intense.

Back to the question - why are we, as addicts, compelled to go into this field? I liked sponsoring people. I thought I would be a good listener/counselor. I thought I would have a chance to help people that need people to understand them. I often felt misunderstood (and still do at times) in the medical field. In my years in transplant I would hear the judgmental statements that nurses and doctors said about addicts. The minute there was any type of mental health or chemical health diagnosis, there would be an immediate change in attitude. I went home crying one day while I was orienting in transplant during the day shift. A nurse took a referral off of the fax and the person had been sober from meth for 2 years. "OH for God's sake, another junkie? Why do they even bother to refer them. Those people never pull it together enough to get a transplant." Well, the woman sitting next to the fax (aka ME) was an alcoholic, active and feeling like she could never pull it together. My primary care physician told me that I should stop drinking when I told her how much I was drinking. I thought if I said something, someone would help. She sent me home with "Just stop drinking then....." 

Between hearing all the negativity towards people with addiction, feeling the pressure of being addict around those attitudes and having the pleasure of experiencing sobriety on myself, I wanted to help other people. I liked sponsoring people. I have a good understanding of the 12 steps. All in all, once I fully embraced the idea of going through with this, I just felt like there was a lot that I could do. Then in the 3rd month of my first semester, this quote was given to me:

"We in recovery have been part of the problem. We have both accepted and perpetuated the stigma that kept us from getting help and that has killed millions of addiction disease victims.

"By hiding our recovery, we have sustained the most harmful myth about addiction disease; that it is hopeless. And without the examples of recovering people, it's easy for the public to continue thinking that victims of addiction disease are moral degenerates - that those who recover are the morally enlightened exception.

"We are the lucky ones - the ones who got well. And it is our responsibility to change the terms of the debate, for the sake of those who still suffer." ...Senator Harold Hughes

I feel like it is my responsibility to do something. I got lucky in this disease. No legal issues, a soft bottom, access to services. I didn't have to lose everything before getting sober. The passion in my heart tells me that I have moral obligation to use my own experiences to smash the stigma of addiction. In my own experience, I know that darkness, that sadness, the hopelessness and the feeling of being morally judged as a lesser human being because I am "just a drunk".  Since the time I had read this quote, I have stopped being scared of talking about my issues with alcohol. I get these weird responses sometimes from people. The look on their face usually is "Are you sure that you want to admit to being an addict?" There is this true surprise that someone would talk openly about it. Addicts are those scary, homeless, resource sucking amoebas of society. You sure don't look like that. See? That is why I said something because there is this preconceived notion that all addicts are this or that. Addicts come in all shapes and sizes for sure. 

Also, I was just starting to do some 12 step work around the time I decided to go to Hazelden. In my heart, I thought what better way to give back to the still suffering alcoholic. (STEP 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs). No better way to just jump in on the frontline right? I think some addicts are compelled to take it this far because of where our addictions took us. Even for those who aren't in recovery in my grad school, generally speaking their lives have been touched by addiction somehow. They may be compelled to try to prevent addiction from destroying another family or preventing a death from overdose. We are all there with the idea of helping individuals who are addicted to drugs or alcohol. I think it is a calling to go into this field. 

I had so many moments of insecurity throughout the course of this program. I thought I had made a mistake. I thought I was just kidding myself. But then I have had all of these amazing things happen since I started:

• If I hadn't taken the semester off, I wouldn't have done my internship at the time I did. Had I done this a semester earlier, the company I now work for was not hiring. 
  
• If I had done things in a different order, I would not have maybe met the people I now know who helped carry me through this experience. 
  
• If I hadn't gone full time at the beginning of 2013, my night job would have been turned into a day position in the middle of the semester which would have not allowed me to continue with school after the drop period. I would have paid for the semester that I couldn't complete.
• If I hadn't moved forward, I would probably still me looking for something to do with myself.

There are so many things that have happened in the past 2 months that just tell me that this was right. The calling I felt was correct. Even though I am a new counselor, I am armed with a certain passion and motivation. I think that is what is coming across to the people who I now teach and lecture to. I care about them. With regards to confrontation? Oh I have no problem with that. Why not? Because I have been on that other side of the table. I know how that addicted mind is working and thinking. I know what is coming out of their mouths half of the time is just noise. It has nothing to do with me. So, in this position, I am a cute little duck....everything just rolls off my back.  Having gone through this program, I am even more vocal than I used to be about anything relating to addiction. I think Senator Harold Hughes would be proud. 

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