Was That A Sign?

I have really started getting into the job at my treatment center. I am in charge of the community outpatient program and float around in the residential setting helping where I can. I accepted an "on-call/casual" position with them. I wasn't sure that I was going to like it. Much to my pleasure, I love it. Really, really love it. I am lecturing, sharing my knowledge, teaching, learning, etc. etc. At the end of May, I was trying to figure out what I should do. Should I pursue a full time position with them? What about my nursing job and the "maybe" offer of something in the future?

I scaled back my hours with my nursing position at the beginning of June. I picked up too many hours, so I decreased my hours with the nursing position and slightly increased my hours at the treatment center. My outpatient group just grew from 6 to 12 on Thursday so I am grateful that I cut back my nursing hours to have more availability for the treatment center. So, I took a shot in the dark and emailed my treatment supervisor who basically freaked....."I will talk to the director right away!". As it stands today, "the offer is coming soon...". I adore this supervisor and I am happy as a clam working with the women. This is good. This is really good.

I went to my nursing job today. I was feeling pretty unmotivated to be there. Unhappy with my work assignment. Trying to work on something that I really don't want to learn but have to in order to be able to do that part of the job. Last night, I realized that I had been telling my clients all week - in order for prayer to be more successful, take some quiet time to listen for the answer. If you are too busy talking all the time, you don't get the opportunity to listen. I decided to heed my own advice. So I asked God, what should I do? Try full time with treatment and part time with nursing? Hang on and see if the nursing job pans out into the counselor position I wanted? Leave the nursing behind (and the money) and go with my passion and interest? I left it just at that. I didn't try to work it out. I like to do the pros and cons list. I know if I write it out what the answer is for the most part. It comes down to finances (counseling doesn't pay as well as nursing); however, it's not like I would be living in abject poverty if I let the nursing go. 

Toward the end of the day today, I was covering work for another nurse and called a patient. I needed the patient to call back to get some information. I left the requesting coordinator's information to call back since I am only there 1 day a week and I was planning on going home soon. Apparently, the patient called back to the coordinator about 2 minutes later. I pretty much got chewed up and spit out by the coordinator. She called me three times to tell how bad I handled that call and do I know what I am doing. If that wasn't bad enough, I have been there for 5 years now and she didn't know how to pronounce my last name. "Julie Theeesin right the LPN...." My last name is pronounced like Tyson Chicken and everyone in that office has managed to learn that over the past 5 years. 

I have to admit that I was totally deflated. In my nursing job, I am on the lowest rung of licensed personnel, technically unable to make any decisions or actually assess a situation. By law, I am a task nurse. In the real world, I have done and can do so much more. But in that moment, I could not have felt any lower, like if she were thinking of passing something along and she knew I was doing it, I would get a patronizing litany of statement reminding me how to my job "appropriately." Meanwhile, at this other job at the treatment center, I am a masters level educated independent practitioner who can assess, recommend treatment and diagnosis addiction. In a few short month, I will be able to also diagnose mental health disorders. While this was rolling around in my head after this conversation, another coordinator came over and asked about my MA credentials. I repeated almost verbatim what I just wrote here. The response from her? "But you can't prescribe meds, right?" No. "Well that's too bad....."I almost appreciated her telling me that my advanced studies were worthless (***please re-read with infinite sarcasm***)

As I walked out the building this afternoon, I chuckled for a second. I glanced up at the sky and asked God, "was that your answer? Your sign?" I haven't been greatly respected since my return to nursing this spring after I completed school. I got a computer shoved into a tiny corner next to the printer and copier in a very busy office. Nobody cares whether or not I am on the phone, they just chit-chat away. The same coordinator that made the meds comment above told me "well, it's not my fault you are sitting here" when I asked if she and another woman could go back to her cube and talk about the weekend since I was trying to work. The cube space that I could have used was given to a person that spends 8 hours a week in our office. When I came back I was there for 25 hours a week. I was notified recently that this was probably a permanent placement for me. It took me over 3 weeks to get a functioning computer that wouldn't freeze or randomly shut down when more than 2 programs were open. Since I am next to the printer, people feel free to throw stuff all over my space, take my pens and other office supplies. I had a dollar in a drawer - that is gone. I am pretty sure God is aware that I don't appreciate being disrespected like this and I was well on my way to making this decision anyway.....God is also pretty aware that I need a large bop on the head too to get motivated. So, here in sobriety, I am having my next "moment of clarity" as it were. 

I anticipate in the next 4-5 weeks, the full time, benefit eligible position with the treatment center will be offered to me. I will answer, "OMG ,OF COURSE!!!!" when that offer comes in. I have applied for a few causal LADC positions along with some private duty nursing positions with the anticipation of having a 4 day work with with the treatment center and the need to work maybe 4-5 days a month with nursing which results out to every other weekend. Those hours might not actually be necessary either. I will just have to see how it plays out.

About 3 months ago, I had sent an email to a co worker I used to work closely with when I was full time. I had emailed her and told her about the LADC position that my nursing job was going to create for me. I told her that I was pretty excited about, etc. etc. We chatted back and forth for a few emails. I told her "well if worse comes to worse, I can always leave...." (if they failed to generate the position.) She replied "that might not be the worse thing for you, Julie." I respect this woman's opinion a lot and I cannot shake this comment out of my head every time something like this has happened at my nursing position. In the context of our conversation, she was encouraging me to seek out people, places and things that will be a touch more respectful to the level of talent I can bring to an organization. She has always felt like I had been grossly undervalued in this role. When I told her I was going for my masters, she was SOOOO excited for me and hoped that this might be my ticket out of nursing/this job. 

So, like I told my clients - sometimes you have to put in yourself in a position to listen. The answers become much clearer when you have the open heart and ears to hear the answer you are seeking. I quieted down for the first time in 8 weeks and the answer is pretty clear to me now. I have to make an adjustment to my priorities. The focus will now be on the treatment center with nursing being a distant second. While the pay is not as good, having the extra money doing things this way doesn't make me happy anyway. I can live a little leaner and have a greater sense of purpose and happiness. 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!!

J

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