Sober Birthday #4

I have been patiently awaiting for the end of the week this week. In a funny way, I get a lot more excited about this "birthday" than my physical birthday. In general, I just love birthdays. It's a special day, just for that person. It was a day that brought a new life into the world. I have made a very distinct effort to always celebrate my birthday. Now, it appears that I get to celebrate more than just once a year! Not too shabby.

I have been talking with my clients a great deal lately about the positive nature of being an addict or alcoholic. I wrote a blog entry not that long ago in which I was perplexed by this whole idea of the "grateful alcoholic". It seems, however, in the past few months or so, I have really come to embrace this idea. I believe, truly and deeply, that I am a better person for having this problem. I proved to myself that I can overcome difficult situations in life. I am the closest I have ever been to being my true and authentic self. I find myself starting out sentences with "I get" to do things...not "I have" to do things. My perspective on life has truly been shaped and developed for the better in the past 4 years.

The reality, too, is that recovery is hard. This year has been full of some new and additional challenges I haven't faced full on in recovery just yet. My issues with depression have been much more pronounced in the past 12 months. In May of 2013, I had attempted to make a medication change because of cost and it appears to have had long-standing ramifications. The medications have simply not worked the same since then. I have struggled with an undertone of unresolved anger toward a few different people and places. I have achieved great things yet have been unable to feel the sense of accomplishment I had hoped for in the beginning with school, with work, and to a certain degree - life. In addition to my medication change, I ended a 5 year relationship. I still carry some of the "what ifs" around and some lingering doubts as to whether I made the right decision. My work life has been very difficult since I left my full time night job. I find myself pining for the past when it comes to this arena. I find myself thinking that I never should have left even though, in reality, I would have had to change positions anyway. I have been left with a little of the "restless and discontent" feelings that AA warns us about. I interned at three different places in the past year, at each facility wondering if I had just made one of the bigger mistakes in my life. While I still believe I have something big in this field, I grossly underestimated the difficulties I would have right now. All of these things have been testing my sobriety and I will be quite honest, the bottle was getting more and more tempting for a few months. I went from "if I drink I can't work for 2 years in this field - stay away".....to....."If I drink, then I won't have to work in the field for 2 years. I can go back to nursing...." Wow, peeps.....alcoholics call this "stinkin' thinkin'". P-U.

All my sober birthdays have been meaningful to me. #1 - OMG, that was just a miracle. #2 - I decided to up and change my life to serve others suffering from addiction - how exciting! #3 I was feeling pretty good about having achieved what I did. Now, #4 - still definitely all of the above. And, while I have struggled this year, I have still made it. Perfectly? No. Did I make some bad decisions and mistakes? Yep. Am I still sober? Y-U-P. And in the end, that is all that matters. I could have easily made very different and very dramatic choices. I choose to stay the course. I chose to stay THIS course - 12 steps, honesty, integrity, faith, surrender. Had I attempted to yank back all the control and say "I know how I am going to fix this bad mood", I would be in the ditch in no time. Out of job, out of the field for 2 years, back to searching for a job and not finding what I was looking for. 

Growth is painful and hard. I think that is what this year has been. I can't say that all of the unhappiness and anger are because my medications don't work well enough. Medications only really do so much and the rest, then, comes back to me. I have allowed myself to stay in places of self-pity and resentment. I forget how comfortable that place can be sometime. Heck, I spend 15 years in self pity and while it didn't make me happy, it didn't make me feel uncomfortable. In the past few months, it has been become clearer to me about what I need to do going forward. At sober birthday #4, I am finally starting to look at my patterns of thinking and behavior. I am starting to hold myself better accountable. I am reaching out and doing more of what I need to do in order to get back to where I was a few years ago. While I didn't intent to shove myself into such challenges, I need to get to a place of acceptance that it might have been a little too early for me to go down this path (into this career field). Because I have arrived early, I need to be more diligent of what this career field may offer to me as far as personal and professional challenges. No sense in complaining that I started this too soon, I am here now, so what I am going to do about it?

Last week, I struggled with all three of my jobs. I thought I was going to like the new job that I started. There were a couple of odd things that were said and done in my first few days. I tried all week to "give it another shot" and return this week, but I could not. So, only 2 weeks in, I have left this new position and am feeling good with the decision I made to move on. While I struggled there, my current part time position offered me an increase in hours with the hope that I would be able to teach more. I love the teaching part. So that just took care of itself. Then, the nursing job I had planned to leave threw out one last offer to see if they could get me to stay. It worked, I am now working from home - I have my one project and my sanity. As I challenged myself to "back off" and give over my struggles to God....God answered in a big way as He usually does for me. If I get out of my own way, things generally turn out much better.....let me tell you!!!!!!!!!!! Between the two jobs, I am at 38 hours a week - working 3.5 days at the treatment center and 1 day from home. Because the treatment center is so very intense for me right now, I am trying to keep my hours around 30 so that I can gain my confidence and manage my stress effectively. My work from home job is "work as much as you want" which will be between 6-12 hours per week. 

I have made a challenge to myself for the month of August to push out positivity to the world and to start to change my patterns of thinking. I have been doing a lot of imagery and relaxation techniques which have appeared to be quite helpful. I have been praying and asking God to guide me with my career. I thought it was kind of neat that I was imagining myself doing speeches about addiction and traveling around doing education and then I get the notification that I have been accepted to a TEDx Event in Ohio in November. I took a chance and submitted my idea and in the end, the chance paid off and my visions/dreams are coming to fruition. It's kind of crazy actually! So, I am continuing to put out my positive vibes about work (that changed in the past 8 days...so that kinda worked too.....). I am putting out positive vibes about finding a happy relationship. I went out on a few dates with a very nice man who was also in recovery. We had found, however, that recovery (while a big deal) was the only thing that we had in common. He texted me yesterday and cancelled/let me know he was no longer interested. I felt exactly the same way and the universe didn't make it call it off! So weird and neat. Whatever needs to be will be and there is no point in pushing my own agenda. 

So, I am thinking that Sober Birthday #4 for is going to be a "Back to the  Basics" + "Reboot" for me. I started teaching a series of DBT skills to the treatment center I work at. I was thusly reminded that I wasn't using these skills like I used to. So I am back using those skills, sending out positive vibes to the universe around me and slowly finding my way.

I want to make a special shout-out to my Mom who is always my biggest fan and recovery supporter :) Also, a shout out to all my readers, friends and family who have continued to support me on this journey. When you send me your words of encouragement, I feel so honored and humbled. For those of you who have reached out to tell me about your struggles with addiction, I am so extremely humble that you have extended me your trust. I pray for all of you everyday and remain thankful for all that I have in my life. As I sign off, I am thinking that life is taking a turn here at #4, in a really positive direction.

Much love and peace to you all!
Julie

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