End of An Era

On June 22, 2009, I was laid off from a nursing job. I had left the long-term care position I had previously because I had started dating my supervisor. (Yes, Yes, bad idea....but I pursued other employment to avoid being fired for fraternizing).  I knew things with this job weren't going well. I had been hired on in anticipation of a contract with a company. Well, 6 months into this position, the contract never happened and I knew I was on borrowed time. 

Even the nursing arena had been hit hard in 2008-2009. I must have applied for 20 to 25 jobs in the first two weeks I was laid off. I had limited savings and got a severance package that kept me going for about a month. I had a job for a week in July 2009. It was so horrible that for the first time in my life, I just walked out. When I met with the director on the way out door, she wasn't surprised. She knew this place was dysfunctional. During that week, however, I got notification that I had been selected for an interview in the transplant center (which I had applied for on 06/22/2008...just hearing back in July with an interview scheduled in August). While it was almost 2 months after that email, I got the job and I was so excited by the whole thing. 

It was in the fall of 2009 that I was beginning to spiral into the final stages of addiction. I was still drinking almost every day. I couldn't wait until the day time orientation was completed so I could get back to nights. The schedule allowed me to work 7 days on, 7 days off. Overnights, 12 hours, etc. etc. When I started initially, I was able to not drink in between my 12 hour shifts for a few months. My addiction, however, had progressed to a point where it was no longer physically possible for me NOT to drink almost daily. I started drinking in between shifts in December of 2009. I would go into work hung over but I didn't work with anyone at that point so it didn't really matter. With this schedule, 1 day per rotation, I worked from home for 24 hours. In January 2010, I could no longer make it through that 24 hours without drinking. I knew in my deepest conscious that I needed to do something. I was just so scared. I would start drinking at the end of that 24 hour shift as soon as I could. It was getting bad.

In January 2010, I was drinking over a liter of rum a day. I was unable to eat. I would shake like a tree if I couldn't get something to drink within 4-5 hours of waking up. I showed up one night at work on a day I wasn't supposed to be there. I worked Thursday through Thursday and ended up showing up on a  Wednesday because I couldn't figure out exactly what day it was when I woke up. I was literally confused and decided to go into work. After being there for 2 hours, I had to page my supervisor and tell him that I wasn't supposed to be working that day. He knew I sounded off but didn't think much of it. Things happen, you know.

On February 8th, 2010, I was admitted to detox for the first time. I finally reached out for help and my Mom stepped in to get me where I needed to be which was the ER. I was admitted with a blood alcohol level of 0.27. I had not had a drink for approximately 4 hours when I took this. The doctor told me with the amount I was drinking, I likely peaked out at 0.38-0.40. I was still coherent, chatting away, feeling pretty good actually. I didn't know that I was going to be admitted. I was admitted a few days before I was due back for my work. I needed to call my boss and tell her that I was in detox and I really wanted to go to treatment when I was done. I knew if I went back home, I would be right back at it.

I called my boss from a secluded corner in the dining area with my hand cupped over the receiver as if that was going to make a difference in the conversation I was about to have. My boss picked up the phone and it a quiet voice - "Hi Cathy, this is Julie, your night LPN. Ummm....well, I am in the hospital...." I heard a motherly gasp in her voice and she asked what happened and am I OK. I started to tear up and said "Cathy, I have a drinking problem and I need to go to treatment." She immediately responded "Julie, you do what you need to do, I will take everything on our side. We will put you on leave, I won't tell anyone what's going on. You go and take care of yourself." Now, by this point, I was just bawling, feeling like this whole situation just got real. "Honey, you call me if you can and  tell me how you are doing. If you don't want to, don't worry about it, call me when you are ready to come back.  We love you, OK?"

Little did I know that my boss had a lot of experience with addiction and she turned out to me one of my biggest cheerleaders out there. She respected my privacy. After returning to work after being out for 6 weeks, not one person in that office knew what had happened. As far as they knew, I was on a medical leave, I would be coming back and that's it. Even through my relapses, she was extremely supportive of me. When I was placed in the HPSP program, she took her job as my clinical supervisor very seriously. She was diligent about reporting what she saw. She made accommodations to my schedule so that I could attend DBT for a year and go to intensive outpatient treatment for 12 weeks. I think she might have taken my sobriety more seriously than I did at this point.

I have felt tremendously loyal to my LPN position within transplant. Because my boss was so flexible about my needs and prioritized my health and safety over many things, I always wanted to be the strong and reliable employee. I wanted to show her that I could do it. I wanted her to be proud of me. As I let my guard down with others about my addiction, I found that I had some wonderful  co-workers who supported me in anyway that they could. During on of my relapses, I paged my favorite doctor that I worked with.....ummm....not the brightest idea, but it happened. When I called her to tell her what was going on and that I had relapsed, she told me "Julie, after this, we are never going to talk about this again. There is no need to apologize. I was honored that you thought I could help you....." 

Over the past few years, we have had a lot of changes.  My boss was no longer my boss and I had 2 or 3 new ones until recently. The position I created and stayed in for 3 years was terminated which was actually the right thing to do. I really loved that position though. It was at this time in late 2012, I saw the writing on the wall and had left the full time position to pursue school. Again, my new supervisor was able to figure out a way to keep me on as a casual employee. Then, when I had a semester of chaos, I was able to return to work full time for the summer. Time and time again, there has been a lot of accommodations that were made for me, and for that I have felt a tremendous amount of debt and gratitude.

Since finishing school, I have continued to limp on in this position. I have become increasingly unhappy and itching to move on in my new career. Despite the fact that I mostly get love from my co-workers, there are some that remain difficult at best. I don't work for any particular group. I am often detached because I work scarce hours. I was hoping to be in a position to develop another position; however, looking at where I am right now, I think I would benefit from some more experience than I currently have in order to do what I proposed. Additionally, I have worked as an LPN for the past 5 years and it would take a lot of effort to develop the credibility within my own peers. I don't really have the desire or energy to fight for my credentials. 

Yesterday, I submitted my notice to the transplant center. My last day will be 08/01/2014. I will be terminating my employment one month shy of 5 years. This job has been the longest stretch of continuous employment I have had in my life. I often time leave jobs after 6-12 months. Mainly, my job-hopping had to do with my drinking. If I thought people were getting too close, I would just leave. The jobs were plentiful and I had the luxury of being about to do wander around at my will. Not only, then, am I leaving this organization, I am also transitioning out of nursing which is exactly the reason that I went back to school in the first place. I plan to keep my license active and may continue to work as a private duty nurse for  "fun" money. My wish is that my LPN career ends with transplant. I told people at the beginning of my employment "It doesn't get any cooler than transplant and this will be my last job as an LPN". I had that instinct many years ago, and still feel that way today. While I am sad about leaving, I believe that I am ending my career and my time at the transplant center on a complete high. I accomplished many things - I got sober, I got my mental health stabilized, I learned more than I could ever have imagined, I have met some of the coolest people I know and I was able to finally stick to a job - and do it well.

So, in August, I will end my time in transplant. When I hit the "SEND" button on the email to my boss, I do have to admit that I had a huge sense of relief. I have sort of felt like the house guest that had overstayed my welcome. I know that what I do for them now is appreciated and helpful; however, it does not do the same thing for me like my other job. My dedication to them was slowly fading and I was struggling to keep my commitment to them. I will never ever forget my time there and I still believe in my heart of hearts that it was because of this job and my then-supervisor, I got sober. I finally found a job that I wanted to get better for (among other things of course). I believe God had a hand in all of this. Had it not been for the flexibility that had been granted to me, I would not have been able to invest the time into getting sober that I needed. I would have been back to job hopping and continuing to spiral down until something majorly catastrophic happened (i.e. a patient being harmed from my negligence, etc.). 

I am a firm believer that "I am where I am because I need to be here right now." Now, I have a full time offer being worked up as we speak as an addictions counselor with my other job. I threw out some applications for on call LADCs or on call LPNs. I got 3 call backs already for interviews. Should I need that second job for a few months, I know that I can get something lined up. I threw this whole situation over to God (doin' some 3rd step work here....) and I just know, not just feel, but know that God will take care of me.

Take care all and have a wonderful rest of the week!
Julie

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