In my years of drinking, I often turned to music to find lyrics that meant something to me. I have been obsessed with Nine Inch Nails from the time I was 15 to about 30. Around 2000, Seether was really starting to hit the airwaves and I was immediately drawn to many of their lyrics. Tonight, I saw them, for the first time, in concert at the Myth. As they played song after song that I actually knew (surprising since I barely keep up on new songs), I was just struck about having listened to all of these songs over the past 15 years and how deeply my perspective has changed on their meaning to me. 

In 2000, the song "Fine Again" was released. I was 22 years old. I had been daily drinking for about 2 years at this point. I knew there was something wrong with my drinking and it was starting to affect my mental health. My depression was getting worse. The following are the lyrics that always stuck with me:
"It seems like every day's the same
And I'm left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
And there's no color to behold
They say it's over and I'm fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I'm dying here"
Especially this last line. When I tried to stay sober, it did feeling like I was dying. It wasn't until I got to treatment I learned that my brain was telling me that I was dying. Not from the depression, not from the lack to color in my life, addiction had me actually convinced that I was dying without alcohol. It would be another 10 years after the release of his song that I would learn about this. In the meanwhile, I just knew that my drinking was out of control but I didn't know/want to do anything about it. 

In 2004, Seether released "Broken", a duet with Amy Lee. My heart was immediately attracted to the pain this song conveyed. I was surrounded by so many positive things. I was in nursing school and had made a lot of friends. I was getting married. My friends were getting married. I was in 6 weddings that year. I had friends that I hung out with a lot. In the middle of all that happiness and joy, I felt so alone and didn't know what to say. I turned inwards as my tolerance to alcohol grew. I was finding new ways to hide what I was doing. Then I heard these lyrics:
"'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome"
I felt that if I admitted to anyone the extent of my addiction, I would lose it. I feared my family would be mad at me or disappointed in me. I didn't want to tell them because I knew the minute they knew, I was going to have to stop. I didn't want to let the cat of out the bag, so to speak. I felt broken, sick and totally alone.

In 2005, Seether released "Remedy". By 2005, life was starting to fall apart very very quickly. My new marriage was severely on the rocks. I got my first nursing job and it was a disaster. I quickly moved on to my next nursing job which was a slight improvement; however, my drinking had escalated to a point that I was making mistakes and also it was more noticeable that I was experiencing withdrawals when I stopped drinking even for a few hours. The following lyrics always stuck with me:
"Clip the wings that get you high, just leave them where they lie
And tell yourself, 'You'll be the death of me'"
This is how alcohol felt to me. I needed to get rid of it and on some level I knew that it was going to kill me if I kept going at the rate I was. Part of me was ready, part of me was not. My answer to the consistent pestering of my then husband was to move jobs about 3 more times in that year and finally move to the evening/overnight shift so we didn't see each other. I have to admit, 2005-2006 is pretty much a blurry set of memories. 

Fast forward to August 4th, 2017, I am watching Seether in concert. I heard each of these lyrics tonight and I felt this huge sense of peace. In the years leading up to my eventual recovery, I felt such pain and abandonment. I remember sitting in the 2nd bedroom on my old condo. I would have my bottle of rum on the floor. I had a full length mirror in there. I would play songs that got my emotions going, only a few of those times did I choose something to motivate me or make me happy. I searched for songs that I could connect with to express my pain. I would stare in that mirror and wondered if this was it for me. Only today do I realize that I had abandoned life back then. No one really ever abandoned me. Only today do I realize that I shortchanged myself with regards to my strength. Listening to these lyrics from my life today, I felt energized and danced the night away. These lyrics, in a way, felt like my anthem for recovery. Remedy was the last song they played tonight and how truly fitting for me. I clipped the wings that got me high and I left them where they needed to be. 

Thank you TO for the fun night out. I have been somewhat fearful of concerts because 99% of the ones I have been to in the past, I was drunk. There were no urges or desires on my end. I wanted to be fully present and absorb the atmosphere around me. Part of this recovery gig is to push myself out of my bubble and get back to life. In my previous blog, I spoke about this restlessness I am experiencing. As I move forward with new adventures, this restlessness is fading to the background. Somehow, some way I am finding what I need to refuel this soul. 

Peace out! 
J

Seriously?I haven't posted anything since March? That's not right!

I believe at times we are sent messages through the universe. The message that I have been receiving lately is "self-care". Honestly, if I hear this term one more time, I am going to puke! Ugh. Here is the problem. I need it. I have to do it. I want to do it. I can't figure out how! 

I do a lot of group therapy during an average week. I feel like one good test of knowledge is when a person can teach something. I had no idea what I was doing when I first started nursing. After a while I felt like I could master the tasks but not explain it very well. With enough experience, I was able to do a lot of training. In my groups, I talk a lot about self-care. It is probably one of the few topics in substance abuse treatment where I am totally faking it. I tell people all the time that they need to take care of themselves. In reality, I have no idea how to do it myself! The difficulty, in my humble opinion, is that it truly varies from one person to the next so there is no easy "guide" to give people or to myself for that matter. Some people like meditation....I end up focusing on the fact that I can't meditate while I meditate. Not exactly calming. Some people exercise.....man, I wish I could get on the bandwagon with this one. It helps, but I never stick to it. Some people read a book....I fall asleep within a few minutes of trying. 

I have been cautioned by my boss and my therapist both, that self-care is becoming increasingly more important for me. I am just frustrated that I can't quite figure out what I need to do. I have tried volunteering, being with friends, taking a whole day off, exercising, cleaning & organizing, petting the cats.....All of these things help a little but are not really keeping this impending sense of burnout at bay. I feel drained and almost empty in a way. There are some moments during my week that I can say "yeah, I helped someone." Most of the time, I see such pain and agony that I wonder how to fight such an uphill battle and more importantly, why. A new friend told me that it doesn't really have anything to do with this. It's something much bigger. Identity.

It was such an interesting conversation that I had today. Back when I graduated from college, my identity was about my drinking. I desperately wanted to be successful but had no idea what that looked like. I honed in on nursing when I sat and thought about what I really wanted to do. I did that and my identity was a drinker and a nurse. In comes sobriety and now I have nursing as my primary identity. I remember feeling really upset when I was graduating from outpatient treatment. Instead of "you are going to great, congratulations....", I got "you need to be careful about putting all your eggs in one basket. You are more than just thing one thing." I was probably upset because it was true. I jumped head first into working all the time. Slowly, my identity change into recovery.

Let me preface this by saying that there is nothing wrong with having my recovery be PART of my identity. That is not quite what it feels like right now. Recovery seems to be my only identity. I was pushed during my conversation today to think about my purpose and my identity. There has to be more than just one thing. What is happening now is that I feel a lack of passion about almost everything. I am not depressed per se. I am restless and discontented. I feel like there is something more to my life. I have absolutely no idea what it is. Of course, it needs to come from within me. I am really not sure how to get there. I was posed the question....."If God came down tomorrow and gave you everything that you wanted to make you happy, what would you want?" ***insert blank stare** This restlessness is just that. I don't know. I have a ton of great things - a great apartment, awesome family, a neat car, good friends. I really can't think of what else I would need. What I do know is that I have a passion stuck inside my soul and it needs to come out. Apparently, I can't let it out until I figure out what it is. I need something that feeds me. 

I love my job but at the same time, I have my regrets about going into the field of substance abuse counseling. I can say 100% that I went back to school too soon. Instead of taking that time in my early recovery to really understand myself, I shoved a new identity down my own throat, pushed ahead despite my own reservations and struggled in the process. I failed to listen to my instincts. Instead of figuring myself out, I turned to helping everyone else first. Since I did all this school, I feel like I need to do this. I am still left with this nagging feeling that there is something more to my life. Have I found my true calling, my true passion, my true purpose? The best answer I can give right now is a resounding MAYBE.

As I was reminded today, everything happens for a reason. I am on this path for a reason. It doesn't feel wrong; it also doesn't feel 100% right. When I was actively drinking, I was two people. The sober me was a person with a desire to help others, to be of service, to do something good in this world. The drunk me was a needy, out of control drama queen with nothing but my own self-serving needs at the forefront of everything I did. When these two lives were constantly in conflict with each other I was miserable. Absolutely miserable. To a certain degree (albeit WAY less now), I feel like this conflict is going on again. Almost like a dark and light me. Some days I am grateful and happy and motivated to get out of bed and tackle the day. The dark me is sitting in the corner, letting life go by wondering what to do next. Light me needs to wake up and shine again. I have grown in my cynicism in the past year. I am increasingly exhausted. I go to work, spend all that I have only to come home and do nothing because there is nothing left. How can I feed my energy? How can I bank that reserve of happiness and peace? How can I remain light when I work with a lot of darkness? What is my purpose/dream once I walk out of the door?

Self-care. Ugh. I don't know how to do it. What has become clear to me is that my career is not my self-care or my recovery. In fact, I need self-care because of my career. The challenge is being able to answer "Who am I?" when I am not sitting at my desk. I feel a little lost with that question right now. What is the thing that I can't wait to get out of work and do when I get home? Right now, it is sleep and watch Netflix. I have to believe that there is much more to life than that. Netflix and sleep can be part of the plan, but they shouldn't be the plan. 

Just so people don't worry, I really am doing very well. I am in a period of growth and I am experiencing some growing pains at the moment. I believe that there is something big waiting for me. I am feeling a really strong desire to figure out what that is and get there. The vision is out of focus right now. I am just asking the universe to help me find my glasses. 

Peace!
Julie

It has been too long since I have taken the time to post on here. There have certainly been a lot of things going on and I am usually too exhausted when I get some to post my thoughts on the day or even the week. I thought about the fact that I am not writing as much right now. I think this is part of my self-care plan. I hope to be more attentive and get back on here and write. Sometimes just writing out what I am thinking goes a long way to see things more clearly. So, my issue of the past few months.....

Back in September of last year, I thought about pre-qualifying for a mortgage again. I have a lot of reservations, in a way, about doing this because my last experience in homeownership last time was less than stellar. The market tanked, I ended up foreclosing because my property lost 79% of the value in 6 years. The real estate lawyer I worked with on the foreclosure told me at our first meeting: "Had this been me, I would have been out years ago...." Foreclosure was a hard option. I have always paid my bills. I had always maintained my financial commits. It felt like a huge failure at the time. But the reality of the situation was something that didn't make sense anymore. I could not sell and I could not afford the variable interest rate that was about to take effect. Ultimately (this was 2010), I ended up going through 2 rounds of addiction treatment which cost me about $11,000 all together. I was able to use my housing payment to pay off  treatment. My treatment was a way better investment than that condo. It's all good. Getting over 6 and half years of sobriety for that investment. It keeps paying off every day that I stay clean.

Anyway, back to the present, I was skeptical about what I would be able to afford. Woodbury, where I live now, is unbelievably expensive to rent in. I adore my location and the apartment is not terrible. Some of my neighbors could use some work but. all in all, that is the life of high occupancy living. For what I pay in rent, surely there is a little condo/townhouse for me? I am limited on the type of financing I can get because of previous foreclosure. And the regulations are very strict and I am not even able to move money from my checking to savings right now. I got my pre-approval and started my search in February. My 60-days notice has to be put in by April 1st. I figured March would be a great time for the housing market, I could get something, close in May and have some extra time to move until I have to be out in June. Worst case scenario, I could go to a month to month lease here and continue the search. This was my wish list....here is the reality.

The interest rates started to rise which decreased the amount of money that I can spend. I was not pre-approved for at total purchase price, FHA states I can X dollars per month and I cannot exceed that. So when the interest rates go up, the amount I can finance goes down. The market is tight, very very tight. Houses are selling in less than 24 hours. I am not in a position to be able to bargain or get into a bidding war. I have just enough money to do closing costs so I could put in a strong offer. This will deplete all of my savings. Nothing that I have looked at so far is even remotely of interest. It either adds a lot onto my commute or the place has some serious issues that I couldn't afford to address in the near future. Then, I received my renewal notice for my apartment. To go month to month, it would add on $200 a month to what I already pay. I would need to tap into my savings to cover which reduces my closing costs ability or I would need to pick up more hours with my second job. I ended up working this weekend. It was so terribly that I had to call in the back up person. Money, yes? Sanity, self-care NO.

What am I to make of all of this? Depends on what I want to hear and see I guess. I started thinking last week that maybe this is my Higher Power saying "not right now." Part of me really wants to move forward and buy something. Another part of me says, you can afford the rent at a renewal for year and you will be stressing out  BIG TIME on a month-to-month. Also, the places I can afford right now are a long ways from work. Work is also an unknown at this point (although better today than last week). If Medicaid gets hit, we will take a hit at work and there is just no way of knowing what that can possibly look like. I don't think anything would happen, but very few things in life are a guarantee. If I purchased and then had to change jobs for one reason or another, I would be a stress case. I can work with my apartment manager easier than I could work with my mortgage company. If worst came to worse, it's a hell of a lot easier to break a lease than to negotiate with a mortgage company. 

I was waffling back and forth again on Friday, thinking, maybe if I did do a month to month for now, I would find something. I can work more hours at my nursing job. I earn a decent amount and I could probably commit to doing at least 1 weekend per month? Yeah, then this weekend happened. I have never had such an awful weekend on call. I could not believe what was happening. I reached out for help to the administrator on-call. She told me to PLEASE consider calling in the back up. I had not slept in over 30 hours. She was telling me that I was speaking unclearly even though I felt like I was articulating OK. I couldn't explain anything well to patients. It was not good. I called in the back-up and slept for 14 hours straight. OK, that was the clearest message, God, that you have ever sent me. If I need to depend on doing this to be able to make ends meet? Is it worth it? Does buying a house RIGHT NOW seem like the biggest priority? Is your sanity and health worth it? Thanks, God, I got this message. It's not worth it. 

While I am disappointed, I am feeling like a year from now will be a very different story. I will work to save more money so that I don't have to deplete my entire reserve and can offer more. In 8 months, I can change my financing options which will put me in a stronger position to bargain. Maybe the interest rates will stabilize in a year and not so many people will be buying in a panic because the interest rates are going up. 

I think there is a lot of value in having these moments. I believe the universe will align things when things are ready to be aligned. I have a habit of forcing things to happen when they are not meant to happen. I wasn't listening or seeing anything other than what I wanted to see. I have very strong skills to convince myself of all sorts of things if I really want it to happen. That fueled my alcoholism for 10+ years. Doing things on my time, doing every thing on my terms. Well, the famous question we ask in treatment..."How is that working out for you?" Let's see, foreclosure, divorce, addiction, misery, hospitalizations, loss of friends, stress on my family....shall I go on?

One of the things that this recovery journey has taught me in the recent year, I would say, is either you are all in, or you are all out. There is no halfway. I can't pick and choose the situations where I want my Higher Power's help. I either need it every day and in every situation or I try it all again on my own. I did that for a long time and I was so unbelievably unhappy, sad and lonely. When I trust a power greater than myself to lead the way, I am sober, happy, healthy and strong. Dealing with a little disappointment right now is nothing. I was starting to push my own desires on this situation and God came right back and smacked me in the face. I believe that is why this terrible weekend happened. It was for my own good and the message was clear. No, you are not going to push yourself to the brink. Here's what it will look like. Is that fun? Are you happy? Is this healthy?

As I am writing this all out, it reminds me of the night I started my recovery. I had been drinking all night. I was quite intoxicated as always, swearing at God for this life of mine. For a period of 5 minutes, I suddenly felt completely sober and for the first time in years, I decided that I needed help. I picked up the phone and called my mom and said, "I need help. I need treatment." After I hung up, I felt drunk again. I didn't even try to hide what was going on even though my mom was coming down to get me. I was spent. I had enough. I remember her walking in my place with bottles all over the place and the house was destroyed. "So, this is what has been going on...." It was not a judgemental statement at all, it was "finally I know the truth." What I had feared all those years with telling my family what was going on was simply not true. I was relieved too when the truth was out. I wasn't holding this terrible secret anymore. I was ashamed. My mom wasn't going to let me go there. It was always - let's get you help. And that's what she has always done for me. I know now I can be honest and open with my family because they care and they want to know when things aren't well. They want to help not be in the dark.

The other valuable lesson here for me is to listen. God does me a favor every once and while by really smacking me over the head. God knows me well enough to send me a sledgehammer when I need it. Sometimes, I do stop listening. I start to interpret things or manipulate things the way I want them to be instead of the reality of the situation. I am fortunate enough to have a lot of strong recovery people in my life. When I am starting to go down this road, I am often pulled back to the correct path through the wise advice of others who have been on this journey before me. 

My next entry, hopefully very soon, will be talking about more lessons learned about recovery and working in the field of substance abuse. I have had some clear messages there too. One being "You belong here....". 

Lots of love peeps!
​Julie

Well, here it is....the big day. I am turning 40 years old today. Like I mentioned in my last entry, I am not feeling overly emotional about this birthday. When I started talking about my birthday this month, lots of people asked me how I was feeling about turning 40. Was I upset? Was I going to have a hard time with it? Was I sad? Am I where I thought I would be?

When I get thinking about these questions, I think - no, I am not upset about it. No, I don't think I am really having a hard time about with it. Certainly not sad about it. Am I where I thought I would be? Yes and No. The main goal I wanted to complete before I turned 40 was to get my masters degree. Check. That's done. When I set that goal, interestingly enough, I was in my early 30s, drinking like a fish. So, had you told me that at age 40 I would be a Substance Abuse Counselor and have a masters degree in addictions counseling.....I would have laughed in your face. Or maybe not. Maybe I would have felt a little more hopeful than I did at that time. 

The question I get most frequently about turning 40 is "what about kids?" At times, I get irritated with this question because I get the sense that some are insinuating that since I don't have kids that I somehow failed. Or that without children, my life could never ever be complete. Did I want kids? Yup, sure did. Five of them in fact back in the day. When I got married, he did not want kids. Never. Ever. End of discussion. I went into that marriage with the assumption that I would never have kids. The few times I brought it up, I was told that I would be a horrible mother. Although that sounds harsh, he lived with my daily drinking and all that came with it. He was right, I would have been a horrible mother at that time. 

As my life moved on from the divorce, I thought that there might be hope and time for a family. The next long-term relationship I had was for 5 years. He had 2 children from his previous marriage and I never met them. I did not want to meet them unless we were 100% serious and looking at marriage ourselves. I did not want to be in and out of children's lives. Not to mention, I knew myself well enough that I would stay in a relationship that I was unhappy with because it would hard to say goodbye to the children. Well, at the few points in our relationship that we became more serious, it just never moved forward. We could never get our priorities to align. 2 years into our relationship is when I got sober. He never really understood my drinking and really didn't understand how hard recovery was. I dove into the recovery community and once my life became more solid in recovery, I started looking at school. I felt like I kept going and growing and moving forward while he was stuck and complaining about everything. 

Since that relationship has ended, I have had no significant relationships. I have attempted to date which has been so difficult. I thought at a few different points that if I was serious about having children, I would have to really get serious about getting into a relationship. I could really never pull it together to work on a relationship. I like my life. I work a lot.  I am super busy with tons of other activities. I do what I want, on my time. The older I get, the more resistant I have become to change my lifestyle. I have also had a very difficult time with finding people who are honest. What a lot of people call "social drinking" is really not. People lie on profiles and many are so freshly divorced that they have clearly not moved on. It's difficult for me to hear only about the other person's former spouse for an entire evening. That has happened on several occasions and I feel like I am there to be a therapist more than a date. 

I wrote a blog entry a while back called "The Childless Mother". I did not post a link to it like I normally do. In it, I talked a lot about how I feel like I am still a mother despite not having children. Moving my career in this direction has afforded me the opportunity to be a mother - to nurture and care for other people. In my nursing years, I worked in long-term care, specifically in hospice and in Alzheimer's care. I cared for people who were often forgotten or very ill. I used my compassion and care to make sure there was a caring hand always close. When I moved to transplant, I felt like I lost a little bit of my connection with the direct care. Although I get to do amazing and cool things, I do this all over the phone and it doesn't have the same effect for me. 

As I moved over into the counseling field, I was back to more direct care. Being offered the opportunity in the jails has been by far the best experience for me. I do feel like a mother in that place. Most of my clients are young. They have experienced trauma. They are at an interesting crossroads in their lives and I have the honor of playing a small role in looking at doing something different. Everything is very raw, unadulterated and real. It's exhausting. But, I imagine it is a similar kind of tired that parents feel after a long day with their kids knowing that everyone has made it through the day. We all worked hard to make the special people in our lives a little better. Anyone that I come in contact with in this position is special for me. Wherever they may be in their journey, I have the opportunity to learn from them and they have the opportunity to learn something from me. 

My other special job that I truly love is being an aunt. I love those two little kiddos so much. Seeing their picture every morning as I grab my lunch makes me smile. I think of the goofy things they have said over the years. I love taking them places so that we can create memories. Obviously, the State Fair being one of the bigger joys for me. I will always love those kiddos and use whatever material instincts I have with them. 

So, today I turned 40. I brought in 40 with lots of fun with friends and will continue the celebration with family this weekend. Forty doesn't feel very different to be really honest. What I can tell you though is that at 30, I never thought I would be sober. I didn't even think it was possible or that I could do it. Today, I have the following stats:

SOBER: 08/09/2010 - 8:45am
Years:6
Days:2,361
Hours:56,678
Minutes:3,400,692

Am I where I thought I would be? No, because I didn't think that I would be sober. I have never been more grateful to be totally wrong!

So, thank you for all those who stopped by via FB, Twitter, LinkedIn, email, text and calls to wish me a Happy Birthday. I feel the love!!!

​Julie

I got such a great message at 3 recent church services: "Address the Mess". We all have messes; I have yet to meet a perfect human being. Once I heard this topic for the next series at church at Christmas time, I really wanted to go. My current messes are pretty minimal compared to the messes of 6-10 years ago. 10 years ago, I think I started to really believe that I had a problem with alcohol. I was just too scared to consider what would need to change in order to get away. 

As I come up on my 40th birthday soon, I think back to my 30th birthday. I had a epic meltdown. I was so depressed with where my life was at that point. A few weeks after my 30th birthday, I asked my now ex-husband to move out and also asked for a divorce. So, at the time of my birthday, that's about where my life was at. I was drunk all the time, I hated where I was living, I was hating my marriage. My job was OK although I was not doing a really great job. I was working a ton of hours, more than I should have been. I was constantly stressed out about how I was going to afford to living on my own. Stress, stress, stress, mess, mess, mess. 

As I get to my 40th birthday, I realize one of the main things that keeps me from having a meltdown about it is my expectations. At 30, I thought I should have been looking at having children. I should have been sober and not struggling. I should have been happy. I should have, should have, should have. I had all these expectations about what I thought my life should be. I didn't want to admit that things weren't going well. Somehow my problems really meant that was I failure. Well, I am way over that now. The fact of the matter is....I am where I am. And, that's just fine. Is my life perfect? No. Do I still have messes? Sure. Are there things I still want? Sure. The difference now is that I know and understand the concept of acceptance. I can accept that life is not perfect. I accept that for everything I feel like I am missing, I have at least 10 things that are awesome in exchange. I spend more time now looking at the things in my life that are going right instead of wasting my energy on looking at things that are wrong. 

I just loved the message of this series. Taking our messes and making a message. When I first decided to go and become a drug and alcohol counselor, I felt this fire inside of me that I could take this story of mine and do something with it. That all the suffering I experienced under the grips of addiction would really serve a purpose and maybe help someone. Listening to this series over the past couple of weeks has awoken that sense in me again. I went to a local technical college this week to talk about my careers in nursing and counseling. There were two kids in the front that were laying down and nodding off. I take no offense to this, the average age in the room was 15. I started talking about the fact that I was in recovery and a little bit about my story. I encouraged them to ask questions which they did. When I was done with the presentation, I thought back to the days before I first went to detox. I was sitting alone in my bedroom, crying, wondering if death was the only way out of the hell I had been experiencing. I thought about going to the ER the next day with my Mom, blowing a 0.26 and being totally coherent with shocked medical personnel around me saying "this isn't right.". I remembered passing out in detox and waking up to find out I might have had a seizure related to detoxing from alcohol. Life was beyond a mess. I was really ashamed of my mess. I didn't want to talk about my mess.  All these years later, I am standing in front of teens (who I am terrified of by the way) and throwing out intimate details of the worse period of my life. And loving every minute of it. Messes in Messages. 

Eventually, as I started letting go of my shame and judgement, I realized that this whole addiction piece of my life was part of my greater story. The best way for me to release my shame is to talk about my story and use it for good. It took me some time to gain the confidence and be vulnerable. I had to admit to the things that were not glamorous. I had to be willing to accept responsibility for all of my actions, not just some. I had to be willing to admit in a very public way that I am not perfect. Very not perfect. As I learned to accept that maybe this life of hell had a purpose, it became less and less difficult to throw myself out there. Now, at 40, I feel like me. I am happy with me. I feel like I am the person that I was always meant to be. When I thought of what my life should have been at 30, I never would have imagine that this is where my life would be at 40. My messes got me here today. It wasn't an easy journey for all those years, but I can sit comfortably at 40 feeling about my journey and my place right now. 

I think as I move forward, I will continue to push myself to the next level. I am applying to be a board member for the local chapter of the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention (AFPS). I have no idea if I will get it; however, I would rather reach out right now and not get than wonder in the future if I should have tried. I am looking forward to seeing where my messes bring me next. I have a good feeling about it.....

​Julie

I think Facebook's video put it nicely this year -- another trip around the sun. Geez, 2016 flew by so quickly. As I opened up my blog to write my final entry of the year, I am almost hard pressed to remember everything that happened. It feels like a big blur!

I realized on the way home today that I did achieve one of my more major goals for the year. When I got my review last year, my supervisor's boss had made a comment that he was excited for me to get some more confidence and see what I was really capable of. Of all the nice things in that review, that really stuck with me the most. He really encouraged me to get rid of my fears and go. I started speaking up more and seeking more feedback. I took some risks. I found new things that worked, new things that didn't. On my last work day this year, I made probably 20 phone calls, triaged 3 calls and met with 6 clients, 2 of which were new. It was just another day and a rather good one on at that. I feel like I have a style/approach. I feel more confident in having the hard conversations and saying what needs to be said in a manner that keeps us moving forward. Compared to how I was feeling leading up to my review last year, I am pretty darn excited.

This year was also another reinforcement that recovery is an ongoing journey. Also, that recovery is a connection between the head and heart. My head knows all sorts of things. My heart, like most people's, can wonder and get lost in the weeds. There are a lot of things I "know" about recovery. There are a lot of things I do in recovery. There are also a few things that I know but I don't always do. My ongoing area of attention these days is to separate my work from my personal recovery. I know I need to do that. However, when work is going well, I feel like my recovery is being fed and all is well. On the flip side, when work is getting tough, suddenly my recovery starts getting tough too. These two should be independent of each other. I KNOW that!!! AHAHAAAHAHA!

I got a decent reality check late this year about letting myself wander too far from my personal recovery. I have some goals for 2017 that will be focused on getting me back connected with my personal recovery. I resigned from both of my volunteer activities this year that I had been doing for 5+years. I am seeking something new, something that connects me to my recovery. I applied for a board position at a local non-profit. No idea if I will get it, but I thought it was worth a shot. I am also going to seek out a new home group in my area. Lastly, I need to get a new sponsor. I loved my old sponsor. She was a nurse and she carried me through my monitoring program. She worked a good program. We met a few times after I completed. I invited her to my annual medallion ceremonies and I never heard back. We lost touch. I just never got a new one. So, this one will be a priority.

At the beginning of this past year, another area of my life that got completely off balance was my weight. Food has really become my subsitute over the years. Again, I "know" that using something else instead of alcohol is a dangerous place to be. I attempted to participate in a weight loss challenge and did horrible. I went to my annual physical and got weighed. I broke down and cried about where I was at. In July, I started at a weight loss clinic. Nothing trendy, nothing fancy -- education about food, education about exercise, education about stress management and some accountability. I am down 28 pounds so far. I am thrilled with the progress. I am finding foods I like that I can fit into a better lifestyle. I am working to get more exercise in. I am doing it the right way this time. No fad diets. No rapid weight loss. I am eating all real foods.

In the later part of this year, I also realized that I have been negelcting my personal life. I am a pretty busy person but if you look at my calendar, work has a lot of that time. I have the control over the hours of my second job. I pick up more hours that I should for a couple of reasons. One, I like the money. Two, I like to help out. Three, I am bad at saying no. Four, it's really fun to do transplant every so often. I am actually taking call for New Year's this year. I have to be careful though. I get really worn out, very quickly. It's high pressure, high intensity and a lot of hours in a short period of time. It feeds the rockstar a little I wrote about in my previous blog. The goal this year will be to find something that feeds the rockstar that is a little different than working for 48 hours straight. I am not sure what that is going to look like yet, but I will keep you posted.

So, this year has been an explosion of growth both professionally and personally. All in all, it's been a decent year with a few bumps here and there. I am going into 2017 with some tougher goals. I know the rewards will be excellent. In 2014 and 2015, I worked on my spirituality and the payoffs were so much more than I ever could have imagined. I am intrigued by the rewards of a balanced life.  Also, the time has come to get back connected with my recovery community again. I have been disconnected and I can feel it. 

I want to thank everyone who has stopped by to read this blog in 2016!! I wish everyone all the very best in 2017!!

​J

I just returned from a pretty fantastic trip to Cuba. I got to experience a lot of new things and took some chances like doing a 1600 meter zipline when I am terrified of heights! I had some challenges on this trip which for the most part were OK. Cuba is a place where rum is cheaper than the water and my poor addict brain was wondering where all this cheap rum was back in the day. Fortunately, we had a lot of laughs and a really great time without the alcohol and often spoke of how the activities of the tour would have been so very difficult had we been hung over. My travel partners really do not drink and no one did in our group.

It was actually upon my departure from Cuba back to Miami where things really started to get a little off kilter. So, back in the day when I entered treatment the first time, I finally decided to disclose to my group something really personal about my drinking habits. Many nights when I was drinking, I would spend time thinking about what it would be like to be a Rockstar, being the center of attention and being famous. For a while before my divorce, I attended a club frequently where I had become a regular and felt a little like a rockstar. When I was getting sober, I often thought about this place even though I hadn't been in several years. I wanted that fun and excitement back. I struggled to figure out how I would ever have experiences like that again without alcohol. 

Eventually, over the years, I have come to enjoy the quiet and also the less excitement of my sober life. I felt like I had put the Rockstar away and she wasn't a problem anymore. I am too old for that lifestyle anyway. I could never rebound like I used to in my 20s. I probably wouldn't know anyone from my old life anymore anyway. It's been more than 9 years since I have been back there. Yet, after returning back into Miami, the Rockstar was alive and well. The Rockstar is really just my ego looking for something externally to make things bigger, brighter and better. 

I had a fun plane ride back from Havana to Miami and met a new friend. That external experience was feeding my ego. I hadn't realized until I was sitting in the hotel in Miami that my ego was so stimulated and this small exchange was feeding it like crazy. 

I figured once I returned to Minnesota, life would settle back down. It did. I am at home. I am hanging out with the cats. I had a few days before I had to go back to work. Sunday night, I was tossing and turning in bed. I just could not get myself out of this place. My mind was solidly on recovery, my inner Rockstar was thinking about booking a flight down to Miami wondering if I could get away with trying the nightlife with alcohol without anyone knowing. A war zone had erupted in my head and I couldn't get my ego to fade back where it had come from. Here I was honestly thinking after 6+ years of recovery of maybe giving it up because for the first time in a really long time, I was missing my old life. I was missing the lifestyle. I was missing the fun. I was missing some feeling of importance that this life had given even if it was only superficial and not helpful.

More than anything, I was angry at myself. Why is this back? What the heck? I reached out to a friend to ask some advice. He was kind enough to meet with me on Monday. I just laid it all out there -- I am mad at myself for even thinking this, I am frustrated that I am even going here, I want the ego to back off. What do I do? Where did this come from? Why was recovery so easy to give up in just one week for really no good reason other than I want to feel and be a Rockstar right now? I knew by calling this certain friend, I was going to get 100% recovery talk. I knew in my heart, I needed to hear what he was going to say and my ego was furious I decided to get a second opinion. 

First he told me I needed to decide whether I was all in or all out. I was at a crossroads and it was uncomfortable. I am missing some things in life and this trip amplified them. Then, he told me to throw the steps at this problem. This process he walked me through was quite profound. 1. I am powerless over that next drink, that's all I need to be aware of in step one. 2. Do I still believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity? 3. Will I become willing to turn this over to God as I understand him 4. Am I willing to look at what is missing and release my resentments? 5. I was really doing my 5th step with him by talking about it. 6. Was I willing to let my Higher Power guide me through this problem, these thoughts? 7. Am I will to talk to God about this and find out what else I can do? 8. Can I make an amend to myself for being human and slipping? 9. Can I be willing to make this amend? 10. Am I willing to continue to increase my connection to the steps and God to move forward with God's plan? 11. Am I willing to continue to monitor this situation and keep working to get my ego in check? 12. Is it now time to get out of my head, starve my ego of attention for a little while and help others?

I stared at him with both gratitude and anger. I was so very grateful I had called him because as we walked through the steps I was reminded of all the work and all the pain to get here today. I was willing to answer yes to about 90% of the questions up there. The part of me that was mad at him was my ego/Rockstar that knew this romanticized life I was creating in my head wasn't going to happen. He told me the best thing I did was "rat myself out" and tell someone before my ego got the better of me.

For 16 years, I was constantly searching for something outside of me to make me feel important, to make me feel happy. It wasn't until I got into recovery that I was able to see that I don't need anything externally to make me happy. I fought like hell to get myself happy from the inside. The nights at the nightclub and the nights wasted were only a temporary fix. Now, I go to sleep satisfied with who I am and wake up feeling the same. Going back means 10 minutes of happiness for every 23 hours and 50 minutes of misery. It also means constantly searching and searching for something to make me happy because I can't even stand myself when I drink, not to mention losing everything I have built in this life of recovery.

I got a text from my friend today asking me if I was "all in" today. Yes, today I am all in. I am working with God to figure out what the next steps are. I am highly aware of what I am missing right now in my life and I just haven't figured out a good plan of action. Until that plan is figured out, I cannot let my ego override recovery. Once I stepped back into my job, I realized I belong in recovery. 

Lastly, as I was talking in my group about triggers, I realized that my biggest trigger is actually excitement and fun. I had a really great time and in my mind, I want to elevate it even more, make it even better. Now this doesn't mean that I have to stop having fun, I just need to know that this is a place of vulnerability. It's been awhile since I had a crossroads as strong as this one. It ended up bringing up a lot of things that have probably been building for a while just under the radar. My poor therapist is in for it now ;) The power of recovery, the power of AA and the power of connection worked to push the ego back where it belongs. I actually followed my own advice and stopped allowing my thoughts to get the best of me. 

Happy to report this Thanksgiving that I am really damn grateful for my recovery and really grateful for everything I have experienced in recovery. I am also grateful for all the friends and family who have stood by me in this journey. Recovery is my responsibility and mine to either keep or release. When I get to these types of places, it's the family and friends who remind me of all that I have gained in this life of recovery. I need to be here now. I need to stay here. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving Day!
Julie

Most AA meetings that I attend start out the meeting with reading the from Chapter 5 of the AA book which is titled "How It Works". We read throughout about 2 pages of the chapter and we stop at the line which states "God could and would if He were sought". As I was driving home this afternoon, this saying popped into my head. Last week, I was having a major "ah-ha!" connection moment with my spirituality. I re-focused on that connection this week, and Boom, the universe/God/Higher Power stepped in and made an awesome week for me. 

I had a pretty frank conversation with God last week after church. That piece about inadequacy really got to me, it really hit a nerve. I asked God to remind me, again, why it is I chose this route. My mind was stuck in a place for a little while now about the reasons I didn't want to do this. Back when I was in residential treatment the first time, one of my group mates was so thrilled with treatment she declared that she was going to become a counselor. I remember thinking "Oh hell no, who would want to listen to us all day long?" I actually fought this route for several years. I really didn't think I wanted to become a counselor. Ever. Over the past month or so, I was sort of feeling this way again. Maybe I had gotten in over my head. Maybe I am just not ready to handle the level of emotion this position requires. Yep, I was pretty stuck.

As I was getting ready for work on Monday night, I already knew that this week was going to be a bit of a tough one. I had some odd 16 appointments scheduled in the 20 hours that I was in the building, the state certifiers were in the building for the program and I was behind on my paperwork. I sent a quick reminder to God that I kinda needed some support this week. And....I got it. My schedule got shifted around and I survived the million meetings. A few clients needed to reschedule which now allowed for my appointments to be spread out over the next couple of weeks. I was able to get caught up on all the paperwork. We survived the certifiers. On Thursday, I presented the jail which was the last work related thing I had to do this week. I had Friday off. I was thinking I should have just canceled group and took more time. Well, I was here, let's go in and see what happens.

I am really glad I didn't. If I needed something to rejuvenate my interest and love in this work, I got it that night. I watched some people work through some really hard things and get to where they needed to be with it. I watched the light bulb come on. Recovery was starting right in that moment. Here is one of the interesting things I have learned about being in this field. I cannot take credit for people's successes. Why? Because then I need to take credit for when things don't go well. When it all boils down, the clients are the ones making a decision about whether or not to change. I am there to be a guide of sorts; provide the information that they might be willing to work with to meet their goals. I push at times, I challenge at times, I provide encouragement. Sometimes, I watch things connect and it's super amazing. Other times, I know I did what I could I planted a seed. Even if people don't stay sober, they remember things I had to say. I remember the first counselor I ever met. I hated everything he said. Interesting, I remember......

So, the reason I had Friday off was to go and talk about my two careers with a bunch of teenagers. Seriously, I have presented in front of 600 people, I did a TEDx talk, I have presented in front of people who think addiction is the biggest load of crap out there and treatment sucks. I have never really been nervous. I am super excited to get up there and tell them what I know and where we are going. Teenagers? Umm...well.....eeek! I was really nervous!! I wasn't sure how I was going to be received. I figured I would wear something that showed the tattoos, wear my biker boots and bring candy. Apparently this was a good combo. 

I spoke about my time with transplant nursing. They had a lot of questions. I moved into substance abuse and I lost most of them at that point. That didn't really surprise me. However, I talked about my story. I talked about being addicted and what that did to me, my family and my life. I talked about what recovery gave to me and why I do what I do. I talked about what it is like to have to a monitoring program. A few of them asked me tough questions like did I take care of patients while I was intoxicated. Yup. How did I get over that? Talked about a process of self-forgiveness and a steadfast commitment to be a safe provider of services for the rest of my life. If I relapse ever, I am out of the field. Both of them. Immediately. That is my consequence to going back. 

There was a teen that came up to me and shared a bit of her story with me. We chatted for a few minutes and she went on her way. One of the instructors made a beeline for me after she saw me talking to her. She told me that this particular student sleeps through almost everything, rarely pays attention and has a lot of problems. She noticed that the minute I started talking about my story, she was 150% focused and she asked me probably 3 or 4 questions about various things. From the few minutes I talked with her, she has complex life at 15. I gave the instructors some ideas about ways to approach her that hopefully won't send her running for the hills. 

I asked at the beginning of the week for God to remind me why I do this. I am almost bursting tonight with energy to get out and do more. I think I touched a couple of lives today. I think I watched some recovery happen on Thursday. I got caught up and feel like I am above water again. God would and could if he were sought.

Peace all,
​Julie

A women spoke about her story tonight of feeling really inadequate. She had asked God for the opportunity to a mother and when she got there, she experienced all sorts of issues. A past that resurfaced to haunt her present, depression that gripped her being, the loss of friends who could not understand her anymore and an inability to connect with her child because of all these issues. Her words were very powerful and there were parts of her story I could so very related to. 

After my divorce, my drinking escalated to new and bewildering heights. At least when my husband was living with me, I had to make some reasonable effort not to drink every moment when I wasn't working. I would have to wait a few hours until he went to bed or whatever. Well, after getting him all moved out and being on my own, I finally felt free to do whatever I wanted. This is when I started "I can stop drinking anytime I want, I just don't want to" train of thinking. The reality at that point was that I couldn't stop drinking, I just didn't want to actually have to admit that. 

For about 3 years, I would drink into oblivion just about every night. I would turn from a happy-go-lucky buzzed individual to a massively depressed, suicidal epic mess within about an hour. I was hurting so badly. As much as I told everyone how happy I was to be divorced, I was devastated. I had failed at marriage, I had failed to stop drinking when I promised him I would, I failed at life as far as I was concerned. There is so much more acceptance to being married than there is being divorced. I was also mourning a dream. I had thought I could change and that he could change. Neither of us changed and we resented each other like hell for it. I didn't necessarily want him back, I wanted to acceptance and security marriage brought to me. I wanted to know that there was someone that loved me because I didn't feel very lovable anymore.

I cried most every night for 3 years before I went to bed. The world was spinning and I knew how badly I was going to feel in the morning. I debated most nights if I should throw up before I feel asleep because I probably wouldn't be so hungover in the morning. I hate throwing up though, so I wouldn't and still be relatively intoxicated the next morning. I would cry at night and ask God why he was still keeping me alive. I didn't like this life anymore. Why wouldn't He help me? Couldn't He see my pain? I cried and cried and decided that God was no longer listening. I knew of AA and I would never go because of that whole "God thing". God had abandoned me. 

Or at least this is what I thought. I had a moment of clarity to make a call to my mom and ask for help. That was a God moment. I had been building up the courage for a few weeks to do something. I had tried the route of taking my own life. God wasn't having any of that. On the morning of February 8th, 2010, I called for the first time and told my mom I needed treatment. Even though I had been drinking for about 12 hours and had consumed over a liter of hard alcohol, I was totally clear for 2 minutes to make that call. For 2 minutes I had some courage and resolve that something was going to change. 

I tried to resist the spirituality of recovery. I really wanted to do things on my own. Interestly though, I did keep praying even though I would swear up and down that I wasn't going to have God as a part of this recovery deal. I had a lot of external motivators to keep me sober until I got this whole thing figured out. Tonight in the sermon, our pastor was taking about Moses hurling excuse after excuse to God about why he shouldn't be the one to go on a journey to save the chosen people. It just reminded me of hurling all sorts of stuff at God about why won't You make this all go away. The message I took away is what I finally came to believe about my recovery. If we are willing to listen and answer the call, God will stick by us to get us on the right path. For all those years I cried and asked God why He didn't care about me and why I couldn't be sober, He heard. I just was unwilling to take 2 minutes to listen to the answer. He stuck certain people in my life and certain situations at opportune times. I didn't listen. I didn't want to change. I wanted an easier way out. 

Well, finally, I got that moment and it started my road to recovery. I stumbled a lot after 02/08/2010. Each time I fell, I am became a little more willing to change something. The very last time I landed in detox, I had the biggest war going on inside my head. I wanted to be sober but I was already planning to drink. I was borderline psychotic when I was admitted. I was hearing voices and I was really sick from all the alcohol consumption. Dr. Amer was my doctor the first time I was in detox and he saved me a bed in treatment when the place was full. When I returned, I sat beside my bed in a chair. He grabbed my hand and told me first that I was going to be ok. He wanted to know what was going on. I believe my response to him was "I screwed up." He told me it wasn't that, he knew I could get better. After I had cleared the alcohol and returned to a normal state, he talked to me about the monitoring program for nurses. He had spent enough time with me in detox to know that nursing was everything to me. Nursing was me. I had very little else. 

While he was telling me about this program, I was trying to figure out how to wiggle my way out of it like I did the first time when I was in treatment. He asked me what I wanted to do. "Give me the phone before I change my mind." I enrolled even though 85% of me was not on board with this plan. God was louder than my addiction in that moment. God put Dr. Amer there because he was so kind and loving to us addicts in our worse times. On the way out the door, he shouted. "What's the plan Julie?" "Stop drinking, Dr. Amer." "Yep, hope to not see you again!" I haven't seen him since August of 2010. 

​ It was about a year into my recovery where I started letting some of my resentments as God go. I had a few from many years ago. When my dad was really sick and dying from cancer in our home, I really believed that if I prayed hard enough, everything would be okay. Well, he died, that wasn't ok with me. I struggled through depression and anxiety for a long time and I didn't get why when I prayed it didn't go away. I spend the larger part of 10 years yelling at Him about my drinking. What I finally learned about working with God is that I had to start listening. Sometimes the answer to my prayers is "no" and there are reasons for that. Sometimes the answer is "yes" but the path isn't 100% clear. The path is my journey to experience. Sometimes, the answer has been in front of me the whole time, I just got too busy to see it for what it really was. God had been talking to me through all those years. I didn't really care for the answers or I wasn't ready to do the work required of me. 

I am so grateful for the church I have been attending for the past couple of years now. It is a fantastic reminder of how important spirituality to my recovery. I need to refocus sometimes and get connected. The more I turn inward, the less I am willing to listen. I get so focused on me that I exclude any notion that maybe what I am feeling or experience isn't really about me or my perception of what is happening is not really true. Well, I got reconnected big time tonight and all these memories that flooded back during the sermon gave me some major strength tonight. It reminds me that recovery is way more than just not drinking. It is engaging and valuing the experiences -- good or bad -- as a roadmap for the future. Even in my hardest times sober, it is nothing like the depths of despair I experienced while drinking. 

Wishing everyone peace tonight!
​J

 Every time I go to church these days, I am inspired to get back to this blog and write. The church I attend doesn't necessary speak directly about recovery; however, every time I go, I feel more centered on my recovery and renewed to keep the days moving forward. I had several weekends booked and haven't been able to get to church for one reason or another. I can tell that I need this as much as I need my AA meetings. Church is something that feeds my soul, raises my consciousness and motivates me to continue on this journey.

The last couple of months at work have been tough. My client load snuck up on me. I was so focused on getting people in, I just forgot to stop when I should have. I will always say "yes" to an appointment even if it means I scheduled no break for lunch. I can say that I at least stopped taking on projects! That's a step in the right direction. In addition to a higher caseload, the situations of folks seem to be more complex. I feel this great sense of powerlessness to help. I want to help in the worst way. The reality is, I can't. I don't like that part of my job. For the past few months, I started to wonder if I am really equipped to handle this career. I felt the steam coming out of my ears and feeling some burnout coming on. After tonight's sermon, though, I am thinking what I was/am struggling with is a sense of inadequacy. 

I am a sensitive person. I am not sure that I always show this part of me. I want to be the fun, outgoing, "everything is awesome" or "complain with humorous sarcasm" person. In reality, there are times when I come home from work and sit in the dark looking over the day wondering if there is hope. I have loads of hope for myself, so no worries there. Being in recovery and then working in the field can be really difficult because I know where these guys are, what they are feeling and the confusing nature of how they got to where they are. I see shame, I see guilt, I see hopelessness, I see anger, I see resentments. On a few days, I see hope, I see great strides, I see things click for people. Those are amazing days. Other days I feel myself taking on the pain and anguish of all the other stuff because I am not sure what else I can possibly do. 

All of this came to a head earlier this month. I was sitting in a staffing, not able to concentrate. I was really in left field. Two coworkers expressed concern that I didn't look good. I had a fight break out in a group earlier in the week which required the jail staff to intervene. It shook me more than I was willing to admit. The day moved along with some of the toughest individual sessions of my career. I didn't know what to do or to say in these sessions. I didn't know if I made things worse by not being able to respond the way I thought I should have. This carried over into the next day. Finally day 3, I broke after a particularly heart-aching situation came into my office. I ended up tearing up with this person because, again, I didn't know what else to do. I left work early and called my mom. 

I took a nap on that day. I was up late that night because of this nap. I started searching online for other jobs. I didn't think I belonged in this position even though it has been a dream position for me. I had lost my confidence which has always been a little shaky in this field anyway. I was thinking that at least with nursing, I can put a ace bandage on, I can give some medication, I can call a doctor, I can do something. When I used to work in hospice, I had a great passion of letting my patients die with dignity and comfort. As a counselor, I am sometimes watching a person commit a slow suicide and try as I may, I cannot say the magic words to stop it from happening. That can lead a person to feel pretty inadequate.

I am so glad that I went to church tonight. During the past 2 months, I have been disconnecting from God. For whatever reason, when things get tough, I stop praying. That's when I need to pray the most, gosh darnit! I start to turn inwards and pick myself apart. When I turn inwards, everything starts to become about me. In reality, it isn't about me. I am trying to control things that I can't control. I am assume a great burden than I need to do. It's okay to feel and it's okay to be concerned. I just cannot take on all the struggles and worry of the problems around me and think I can handle it. In reality, I am more of a guide for people in this field. As I am acutely aware, my recovery is up to me. I seek out guidance and assistance when I am stuck or need a push. As a counselor, I am not the person who can solve all the problems. Each person who sits in front of me has a path they are look to go down. Even if I don't think it's the right path, I am there to support their journey and at least see the various options/paths available. Whatever they choose to do, is what they choose to do. It's not about me. Nor is it a reflection of my abilities or knowledge.

This begs the question for me, do I need to feel inadequate? I am pretty confident in my knowledge and understanding of addiction. I have a clear understanding of my treatment philosophy. I know exactly how I want to approach my clients. So, to answer this question. No is the easy answer. Where I will need some more help and awareness is to keep the boundaries of my worry and concern. 

I am working on all of this and learning the distinct value of self-care. I can't just say I am taking care of myself, I really have to take care of myself. 

Peace! J