The Rockstar Awakened

I just returned from a pretty fantastic trip to Cuba. I got to experience a lot of new things and took some chances like doing a 1600 meter zipline when I am terrified of heights! I had some challenges on this trip which for the most part were OK. Cuba is a place where rum is cheaper than the water and my poor addict brain was wondering where all this cheap rum was back in the day. Fortunately, we had a lot of laughs and a really great time without the alcohol and often spoke of how the activities of the tour would have been so very difficult had we been hung over. My travel partners really do not drink and no one did in our group.

It was actually upon my departure from Cuba back to Miami where things really started to get a little off kilter. So, back in the day when I entered treatment the first time, I finally decided to disclose to my group something really personal about my drinking habits. Many nights when I was drinking, I would spend time thinking about what it would be like to be a Rockstar, being the center of attention and being famous. For a while before my divorce, I attended a club frequently where I had become a regular and felt a little like a rockstar. When I was getting sober, I often thought about this place even though I hadn't been in several years. I wanted that fun and excitement back. I struggled to figure out how I would ever have experiences like that again without alcohol. 

Eventually, over the years, I have come to enjoy the quiet and also the less excitement of my sober life. I felt like I had put the Rockstar away and she wasn't a problem anymore. I am too old for that lifestyle anyway. I could never rebound like I used to in my 20s. I probably wouldn't know anyone from my old life anymore anyway. It's been more than 9 years since I have been back there. Yet, after returning back into Miami, the Rockstar was alive and well. The Rockstar is really just my ego looking for something externally to make things bigger, brighter and better. 

I had a fun plane ride back from Havana to Miami and met a new friend. That external experience was feeding my ego. I hadn't realized until I was sitting in the hotel in Miami that my ego was so stimulated and this small exchange was feeding it like crazy. 

I figured once I returned to Minnesota, life would settle back down. It did. I am at home. I am hanging out with the cats. I had a few days before I had to go back to work. Sunday night, I was tossing and turning in bed. I just could not get myself out of this place. My mind was solidly on recovery, my inner Rockstar was thinking about booking a flight down to Miami wondering if I could get away with trying the nightlife with alcohol without anyone knowing. A war zone had erupted in my head and I couldn't get my ego to fade back where it had come from. Here I was honestly thinking after 6+ years of recovery of maybe giving it up because for the first time in a really long time, I was missing my old life. I was missing the lifestyle. I was missing the fun. I was missing some feeling of importance that this life had given even if it was only superficial and not helpful.

More than anything, I was angry at myself. Why is this back? What the heck? I reached out to a friend to ask some advice. He was kind enough to meet with me on Monday. I just laid it all out there -- I am mad at myself for even thinking this, I am frustrated that I am even going here, I want the ego to back off. What do I do? Where did this come from? Why was recovery so easy to give up in just one week for really no good reason other than I want to feel and be a Rockstar right now? I knew by calling this certain friend, I was going to get 100% recovery talk. I knew in my heart, I needed to hear what he was going to say and my ego was furious I decided to get a second opinion. 

First he told me I needed to decide whether I was all in or all out. I was at a crossroads and it was uncomfortable. I am missing some things in life and this trip amplified them. Then, he told me to throw the steps at this problem. This process he walked me through was quite profound. 1. I am powerless over that next drink, that's all I need to be aware of in step one. 2. Do I still believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity? 3. Will I become willing to turn this over to God as I understand him 4. Am I willing to look at what is missing and release my resentments? 5. I was really doing my 5th step with him by talking about it. 6. Was I willing to let my Higher Power guide me through this problem, these thoughts? 7. Am I will to talk to God about this and find out what else I can do? 8. Can I make an amend to myself for being human and slipping? 9. Can I be willing to make this amend? 10. Am I willing to continue to increase my connection to the steps and God to move forward with God's plan? 11. Am I willing to continue to monitor this situation and keep working to get my ego in check? 12. Is it now time to get out of my head, starve my ego of attention for a little while and help others?

I stared at him with both gratitude and anger. I was so very grateful I had called him because as we walked through the steps I was reminded of all the work and all the pain to get here today. I was willing to answer yes to about 90% of the questions up there. The part of me that was mad at him was my ego/Rockstar that knew this romanticized life I was creating in my head wasn't going to happen. He told me the best thing I did was "rat myself out" and tell someone before my ego got the better of me.

For 16 years, I was constantly searching for something outside of me to make me feel important, to make me feel happy. It wasn't until I got into recovery that I was able to see that I don't need anything externally to make me happy. I fought like hell to get myself happy from the inside. The nights at the nightclub and the nights wasted were only a temporary fix. Now, I go to sleep satisfied with who I am and wake up feeling the same. Going back means 10 minutes of happiness for every 23 hours and 50 minutes of misery. It also means constantly searching and searching for something to make me happy because I can't even stand myself when I drink, not to mention losing everything I have built in this life of recovery.

I got a text from my friend today asking me if I was "all in" today. Yes, today I am all in. I am working with God to figure out what the next steps are. I am highly aware of what I am missing right now in my life and I just haven't figured out a good plan of action. Until that plan is figured out, I cannot let my ego override recovery. Once I stepped back into my job, I realized I belong in recovery. 

Lastly, as I was talking in my group about triggers, I realized that my biggest trigger is actually excitement and fun. I had a really great time and in my mind, I want to elevate it even more, make it even better. Now this doesn't mean that I have to stop having fun, I just need to know that this is a place of vulnerability. It's been awhile since I had a crossroads as strong as this one. It ended up bringing up a lot of things that have probably been building for a while just under the radar. My poor therapist is in for it now ;) The power of recovery, the power of AA and the power of connection worked to push the ego back where it belongs. I actually followed my own advice and stopped allowing my thoughts to get the best of me. 

Happy to report this Thanksgiving that I am really damn grateful for my recovery and really grateful for everything I have experienced in recovery. I am also grateful for all the friends and family who have stood by me in this journey. Recovery is my responsibility and mine to either keep or release. When I get to these types of places, it's the family and friends who remind me of all that I have gained in this life of recovery. I need to be here now. I need to stay here. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving Day!
Julie