In 2 weeks, I should be closing on my new place. This process is quite possibly one of the more stressful activities I have partaken in since getting sober. The last time I purchased a place, I was drunk nearly every single day and had abdicated all financial responsibility to my ex-husband. The process was pretty smooth sailing for me back then! Barely aware of what was happening. Look at 2 places, sign a bunch of paperwork and just like magic - a homeowner. Well, kids, it's not 2004 anymore and the financial people actually expect me to be a reasonable financial position this time around. 

To be really honest, I am surprised I am back purchasing. The end of the story above was quite horrible - foreclosure, lost property values, etc. etc. Renting has been nice in terms of when things blow up, a hoard of people show up and it's fixed. Both places I have lived since moving out of my condo in South Minneapolis have been nice and generally affordable until last year. The rental prices are going up at insane rates! I am now at a point where owning just makes way more sense. Despite my experience from the last time around, I was pretty excited about doing some house hunting. The only thing that matters is what I think about it and what I am willing to compromise on, etc. I am driving this boat. My money. My purchase. Me. Me. Me (My addictive side doesn't ever go away completely.)

Little did I know when I started moving towards pre-qualifying in 2017, the market is ridiculous. Super ridiculous. Pretty much most properties in my range would come on the market and either be sold in less than 12 hours or have multiple offers within 24 hours. Most of the time, I wouldn't even get a chance to look before they were off the market. In mid-March, I came across a condo in Maplewood and really enjoyed the possibilities there. I got all pumped up and excited when my offer was accepted. I brought my whole family over to take a look and everyone was super impressed with the place. When my family and I were leaving on this day, my realtor handed me the comps in the area to look at in my spare time. On those listings, not one had "pets accepted". When we got the association documents, it was confirmed, pets were not accepted. 

People may think that I am a crazy cat lady. I am not bothered by this at all. These 10 year old babies have been with me all their whole lives other when they were fostered for 8 weeks after birth. They have seen me through rehab a few times, multiple jobs and shift changes, a master's degree, a divorce, 3 moves and countless other life events. They are my family and I will not move without them. I rescinded my offer and was truly heartbroken by the experience. I was a little surprised at how quickly the bottom fell out from underneath me when this happened. I was super depressed (like sleep every minute when not at work) and feeling the stress of having to make some larger decisions about my lease, etc without knowing what was going to happen next. Should I give up and wait until next year? Should I go month to month? Can I afford to that? Should I look for a new apartment elsewhere? I knew what I could not control and what I needed to let go. I just found it really hard to let go of the 1st place and was not happy about not knowing what to do about my lease. 

In the next few weeks, I put in about 4 more offers. I was totally detached from the situation. I kinda had the "whatever" feeling about it. It wasn't that I didn't like these places, I saw great potential in each of them. I was still licking my wounds from the last place and didn't want to get overly invested in the next place. During these few weeks, I got the information about my rent for the next year and month-to-month pricing. Sticker shock is about the only way I could look at these numbers. I figured I could stay in this place for 3 months past the expiration of my lease. It was going to be a tight few months, but I could do it. 

Financial stress is one of those things that just drives me bonkers. I came across an old journal I had from when I was married. Ekkk....I was kind of pissy and angry! I can tell that I was mostly intoxicated when I wrote it. Thank God, I did put that stuff online. It wasn't pretty. Anyway, half of the entries were breakdowns of my itemized expenses and my income. How much overtime would I need to work to get out of this marriage? What could I afford, what needed to go? Finally 10 years after that life shift, I am finally at a point were finances are not my top worry in life. When I work extra hours these days, it's for "fun" money so to speak. I don't have to depend on that income to live. With the rent going up like it was for the past 3 years though, I was heading back to making rent being the top concern. AGAIN. I don't want to have to work 3 jobs. I work my new other jobs by choice, not out of need.

​So, with offer after offer being rejected (12 total), finances climbing the list of things to worry about, work increasing in intensity, I have decided in retrospect, I didn't like March 2018 very much. The anxiousness and restlessness was so much more intense than I had experienced in quite some time. I wasn't managing my stress very well. I wanted to just move ahead and get things done. "Geez, just take this offer because I don't want to look anymore." That's not a great way to buy a house and fortunately, I have a great realtor that wasn't going to let me get away with that. Ultimately (like everyone told me), I got the place I wanted. I had been eyeing this complex since 2017 when I first started looking. It's affordable, in a really nice place, small association that clears the snow in the winter and maintains to the grounds year round. I am 2 blocks from multiple nature trails. I am the exact same distance commuting wise. I am still a few minutes from the city. And, bonus, my mortgage payment will be 50% less than what I paying in rent right now. Not to mention, this will be the first time since 1999 that I will have an in-unit washer/dryer and a garage that is connected to the house. It's little things like this that make me smile. 

My loan is out of underwriting. Inspections and appraisals are all done. I have a closing date and time. Yet, I don't feel super excited about it. It's strange because I love the place, I have a friend with serious decorating skills on standby after I close, my finances are going to be fabulous again, I won't have to change anything about my normal routine (moving only 5 miles away  from my current location) and I get my very own place to do whatever I want to it. Why am I near emotionless about it? Part of me, I think, will just not be happy until everything is signed and I know it is mine for sure. I hope anyway. Maybe I will feel more excited when I take my family there to visit and take someone on a tour. I have only been in the place once. It was still occupied so I haven't bothered the current homeowner since the offer was accepted. There is plenty of time to get measurements, etc. I am excited to show people the place online, but lose that enthusiasm the minute they walk away. 

My poor therapist got an ear full last week. He is a kind man and is often intrigued since I tend to bring my problems and some ideas for solutions to most appointments. Makes his job pretty easy overall :) I see him once a month to keep myself grounded. I didn't have any solutions for my problems in April. Problems: I bought house, I am not excited. I feel blah. Not depressed per se, just ugh. I am tired. I am not excited about anything. What's my problem? Well, for one, I am going through a lot of changes many of which are awesome, but stressful. My job is changing. It's excited but intimidating. My job feels like it has become more difficult in the past 6 months. Not sure if that is true or if I am getting burned out. Moving is super un-fun. I have a lot of stuff to get rid of. I think I will actually feel better after that. I can't really "move" (no pun intended) on anything until the house stuff is done. I am just sort of sitting in this holding pattern for the next 2 weeks and have been so for the past 2 months. 

My therapist did ask me a question that got me thinking this week. "I hate this question too, but what do you see yourself doing in 5 years?" I am not sure what question is worse - what do you do for self-care or this one! He was pushing me to reconnect with my dreams/motivation. I have written about this before - 2012 is the year that I look back at when I was the happiest since being sober. I have had a lot of other happiness since then - a TEDx talk, a great job, a trip to Cuba, a cruise, many awesome times with my family. The ups and downs since 2012 have been fairly dramatic. Job changes, ending of a long-term relationship, going back to school, loss of health insurance (2013), limited income, stress from both jobs (transplant and counseling). The "ups" so to speak since 2012, have been awesome. Many laughs, memories and great times. The "downs" though, have been pretty significant ones. I don't remember having so many downs in 2012 which is why it may stand tall in my memories. Relatively new in recovery coupled with some major idealism that I was going to change the world somehow tends to retain a happy place in my memory. Now, some days I struggle to get out of bed because the purpose of today is no different from yesterday. My light is fading as I engage the reality of my career choice. In 2012, I had all of these hopes, dreams, ideas and motivation. As my life has become consumed with working the front lines of this battle against addiction, I am fatigued. I am tired. I feel ugh. The reality has set in.

So, the question becomes, how to do I get my passion back? What needs to change? How do I am balance my love of life and the darkness of fighting addiction? I am an Aquarius - I take that very seriously too. We are idealist. We live in this idealistic space with unending hope and vision to change the world. (Famous Aquarians - Abraham Lincoln, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah, Wolfgang Mozart, Galileo Galilei, Charles Darwin, Thomas Edison) Unless I am connected with some dream, some "what's next", I tend to fade. I become easily overwhelmed with the heaviness of today. I need to reconnect with my "what's next". It's been there for a while, but I have been pushing it aside. One thing that I hope this house purchase will do is free up some funds to start really indulging in some writing and publishing seminars. The universe could not be sending me any more clearer messages that what I am getting right now. "GO DO IT ALREADY....." :)

I will post some pictures once I get my place for sure!!

Peace,
Julie​

It's been a long time since I posted. For that I sincerely apologize! I started a blog entry about a month about the process of house hunting. That is a whole separate discussion from my post tonight. I have some serious thoughts about that process! If you are searching for a house, let me know and I will say a prayer for you. It's a tough market out there!

Tonight I went to church which is still one of my favorite places to do a little "me" time. When I am there, I am mindful and challenged. I call my church a "God loves everyone" church. They bring up topics that everyone associated with faith has thought about but may have felt like a bad person for thinking about it. Tonight we talked about religion and how religion can really negate the purpose of faith. Again, this could be a whole blog entry in and of itself. I had often wondered how my desire to be a good human and the fact that I screw that up on a near daily basis can fit into the perfection that religion often promotes. I got some answers tonight. 

After grabbing some post-church dinner with my faithful friends/church goers, I was heading home. I had thought about stopping at Home Depot to look at flooring and painting. I stopped at my bank first to cash a check I have been holding onto for several weeks. After I pulled out of the drive thru at the ATM, I looked up and saw Big Lots. I decided I wanted to go there to look at furniture and some decor item. (I did purchase a place, by the way.) I wandered through all the aisles as I normally do when I don't have much else on my agenda. Fabulous deals are available at Big Lots.

As I was going through my final aisles deciding if I really needed to buy to laundry baskets (the answer was no), I heard a woman having a rather passionate conversation with a friend. She had somehow put the conversation on speaker and couldn't turn it off. I heard things like "he needs to go to treatment", "I can't handle this anymore", etc. For a second, I thought, no one wants to talk about this in public, I will let her be. I turned the corner and I caught her eye. She scurried away and I decided to follow her. She was going to call her friend back to get off of speakerphone. She hung up the phone and starting pacing in the laundry soap aisle.

I pushed my cart along side of her said, "I know this isn't any of my business. I just wanted to you know that you are doing the right thing." Her eyes welled up with tears. "What do you mean," she asked. "I'm sorry for being nosy, it's just that I am a substance abuse counselor and a person in recovery. You are doing the right thing." Her friend called her back and she asked me to wait a minute. She told her friend that she would call her back in a minute and proceeded to ask me a lot of questions about what she should do. As we talked, she told me twice that she believes in God and that God put me there just for her. "You came here for a reason, so did I. We needed to meet." My eyes began to well up with tears to know the power of reaching out to someone who is hurting and even though I can't do anything for her except offer my support and a hug, we will be forever in each other memories for having a "chance encounter" when it was so meaningful and needed for both of us.

To this day, I still struggle with the ultimate purpose of this journey of recovery. Don't get me wrong, I have done a lot in this journey and I have followed several paths with it. I work in the field now. I write about addiction and recovery. I have spoken at several events in the past five years. Right now I don't feel like I have fulfilled my purpose yet. Tonight felt more like my purpose than working in the field. Now that I have written that statement, I am not sure what to think. I have thought a lot about my work in the field of addiction treatment and my own personal recovery. Did I make the wrong decision? Am I disappointed? Am I happy? Is this the calling? I really can't say a definitive "yes" or "no" to any of those questions. 

This week at work was a tough one. I am slowly reducing my caseload as I transition to a new position. Pretty much all of folks left had a really bad week. Relapses, jail, MIA, Children Protection involvement, warrants, probation violations etc. etc. After my last appointment on Friday, I sat next to one of my coworkers and said, "Wow. That was a tough week. I am starting to wonder....." At that moment, another substance abuse counselor wandered over. "I was just telling her how crappy this week was for most of my clients. I am starting to wonder about my efficacy." This counselor has been in the field for a long time and chuckled. "As if it's your fault." I really needed to hear that. While I know it's not my fault or my doing, it's hard not to question myself. Was there something else I should have seen or done?

When I was sitting on the cruise back in January, I started reading a book I got for Christmas about writing a book. One of the exercises was to write out my concepts and ideas on notecards. Chances are that I would have several ideas of which only a few really belong in the book I am desiring to write. Oh yes, that was very correct. I have enough ideas and concepts for about three books. I settled for the topic I would like to address first. As I have been working on this book, I have essentially gotten myself into a corner. I have a lot of things to say without any conclusion - a "call to action" sort of thing. It's like asking someone, would you recommend your car and proceeding to tell them the good, bad and random things about it and saying, "probably not but not a 'no', sure but maybe not." 

Honestly, this is part of my addictive personality that is both good and bad. I can play both sides of the fence so very well. Early in my recovery, I discovered this about myself. I was challenged by a counselor to have an opinion. She asked me a straight question. I started in with the "well, it depends...." and then started asking her questions to get her opinion. She knew what I was doing and led me in one direction. So my conclusion was her "opinion" as I understood it during our conversation. She proceeded to tell me that she actually felt opposite of that and I immediately changed my answer in an effort to have her "like me", "agree with me", "not to offend" kind of thing. She could see that I was squirming all over the place when I realized that I had agreed with her because of her and not because I carried any distinct opinion about the situation. 

This personality trait can come in really handy at times. As a general way of living though? It kinda sucks. I was given an assignment about values and what was important to me. I wasn't allowed to ask anyone about any of it and I had to present it in group. When my group members had different opinions or different goals than myself, I had felt somehow that I had failed. She watched me do the same thing in the group setting to get the opinions and slowly shift my own. "Not so fast," she would say, "what happened to _________? Why is that no longer important? Because Mary doesn't have that on her list?" She was forcing me to get off of the fence and take a stance on something. "If that's important to you, Julie, it's important. To you. And you are the only one that has to know and believe it is important." In essence, what is important to me is important. Period. End of discussion. My value system is not up for debate. I don't have to rigid and I don't have to be flexible. It's a "both, and" kind of thing when I love my world of black and white.

The first step of recovery is admitting that there is a problem. So, there it is - my "problem" so to speak. I am on the fence about my journey. I feel validation and fulfillment with what I am doing. AND I am also feeling like what I am doing right at this moment is not "it". My black and white world is starting to gray. There are many areas in my life I have moved into the gray. Recovery is still very black and white. Either I am all in or all out. However, that "all in" is about my decision to not use drugs and alcohol today. My life is different. My life in recovery is different. My life requires a level of flexibility that I am currently feeling challenged by. Basically, I want answers. What is this purpose?

My chance encounter was very helpful for me tonight. Something about this encounter has triggered ideas and thoughts. It help me put words to this restlessness that has been going on for a couple of years now. It's one thing to be restless, it's another thing to know what it's about and where to go. I know it has something to do with purpose. I know that I am feeling burned out. I know that I need spring ASAP. I know I need to finish this book. In order to complete any of this, I need to come to a conclusion. I need to get off of this fence of indecision and fear. I have long been told by various entities in my life that I am the one holding myself back. There is nothing I can't accomplish. However, nothing gets accomplish if I don't start, don't try or don't decide. Lots to think about tonight. 

Peace,
JT

And here we have it ladies and gentleman....another year older. Last year was a big birthday - the big ole 4-0. I had much more grace and strength coming into 40 than I did at 30. Maybe it's because I don't have a ton of time to worry about a number anymore. Maybe it's because doing life on life's terms is better than expecting/demanding everything I want. Maybe it's because being sober and being me is the best thing that ever happened to me.  I was pretty miserable at 30. Life was falling apart. At 41, life is stable.

My mom was kind enough to buy me a book that I requested for Christmas called "Writing the Damn Book". Oh, did my niece have fun reading that outloud to everyone after I opened it. I started and nearly finished this book on my vacation. It inspired me to buy a journal on the boat to start taking some notes. The author is kind of my spirit animal I think. She swears throughout the book and puts things down in a very simple manner. Some of the needed tasks of writing a book, I learned, are not super sexy, glamorous or even fun. But like some things in our lives, these tasks are necessary. The author really understood me. SO many ideas -- it's probably enough for 3 books. 

She talked about people who blog. When I started this blog, I remember feeling so free that I was finally able to tell a little bit of my story. I wanted other people to know that addiction is miserable and you can get help. I did have a lot of anger for that first year of sobriety not to mention shame which could have made an interesting blog but would not have done much in terms of promoting a life of recovery. It was year 2 of recovery that stands tall in my memory, more so than the first year. I finally came to this place of acceptance with about 30 different things that were bothering me. I was becoming free of my resentments. I was ready to take on the whole world. I started blogging at that point to offer a place to read about the craziness of addiction and the life of recovery. 

Year 2 had this huge momentum of growth. There is a Foo Fighters song called "Times Like These" and one of the lyric lines simply states: "It's times like these we learn to live again." I used to listen to that song obsessively when I got divorced. I really hadn't figure much out about how to live at that point. I still had another 3 years of hardcore drinking after that happened. After getting into recovery, I enjoyed this song even more because I really was learning to live again. I was excited about it. I was happy about it. I wanted to try to articulate to the world out there was it's like to be free from the chains of addiction. 

I turned 41 last Thursday (01/25). Normally I do not work on my birthday and haven't for the past 15 years. Well, since I had just spent a week on a boat and have no PTO, it was a little hard to justify taking a day off just because it's my birthday. It happened on a day that I counsel people at the local jail.  It's a wonder I never landed in jail with all of my shenanigans during my active addiction phase. There were some cathartic moments to be had as our group talked about aging, sobriety and the meaning of this life. They often ask me questions about recovery and if it's worth it. Why did I decide to change? How do I handle certain situations? Without asking directly, several of their questions really become: "Who am I without my drugs?"

It was hard at 30 to answer any questions about who I was anymore. I was so lost and so sick. I swam through dark waters trying to find any light. I knew there were things wrong about my life. I was just at loss on what to do about it. I really thought my divorce was going to change everything. Actually, my life got quite a bit worse after that. I thought that if I got a new car that would help. Not really, although it was nice to drive something so shiny and new. I thought that if I changed jobs, I would be happier. For about 10 minutes. One of my favorite sayings, "Everywhere you go, there you are!" Going from one facility to the next in nursing doesn't really change all that much. I thought a new relationship would solve all my problems. Nope. Just shy of my 34th birthday, I finally got it through my thick skull (it is medically verified that I have a very thick dura which covers the brain)......I had to get rid of addiction and alcohol for anything to get better.

Over the past couple of years, I have felt like I have lost my way a little bit. Recovery is still #1 priority; without recovery, I really can't do anything. In year 2, I heard my calling and jumped into action. Year 7....I hear the calling kind of. I am getting a lot of messages from up above that the future is sitting right in front of me. The only reason I am not there is because of me. I am being fearful instead of fearless. I am procrastinating instead of moving. I am distracting myself instead of focusing. Starting to read this book made that message very clear. Year 2 in recovery - I was fearless, energized and focused. That is what I am missing right now. There is no one to blame for that except for me.

Something happened during the years of 2013-2014. My energy faded. My confidence floundered. During 2013, I had attempted a medication change for my depression that was a total and complete disaster. There is probably a blog entry in the archives in May 2013 about it if you want the gory details of my mind without medications. I was doing really well up until that happened. The change was requested by me because I was paying over $300 a month for my medications straight out of pocket. There was a less expensive alternative and it didn't work at all. I feel like, in a way, I never really bounced back fully after that. My motivation and drive never really came back to the point of 2012. My monitoring program was over, my medication change was a disaster, I broke up with a long-term boyfriend after 5 years and I hated school. I was resentful, angry, undermedicated and most of all, wondering if I had made a huge mistake by going back to school to counsel other people. 

What I am hoping for, in terms of the year 2018, the 41st year of my life, is to find that motivation and drive again. A few things that I really need to focus on are my general health and diet. I also just need to start writing. I have something valuable to say. I want to revive my curiosity about the world and about personal growth. In the younger years of sobriety, I was so focused on getting my hands of every single last piece of information about anything. It was almost like being a child again. I am going to just go and do, and see what happens. In these later years, I have become a little more introverted in some ways and lost my drive and ambition. I am not finding that inner child-like curiosity and energy.

I am hoping that 41 is going to be the year I get my groove back. I need to tap into that creative energy and just go for it. I heard my message clear - get out of your own way. I think I am ready to do just that.

Love to all!
J

I was able to get something crossed off of my bucket list which was going on a cruise. I have been curious to go on one but have been reluctant to consider this type of trip based on the endless stories I hear of people getting wasted or referring to their trip as a "booze cruise". Even after 7+ years of recovery, I become tentative about putting myself in situations where drinking it the main theme. I lucked out tremendously when a friend who is also sober offered me the opportunity to go cruising with her. 

I struggle, still, with being around alcohol. I really wish I didn't. I really wish that I didn't still have a desire to drink. After getting home from a wonderful experience, I had one of the most vivid using dreams that I have ever had. The last using dream I had which incited the same level of panic was in my first year of recovery. During that time, I was under the supervision of my monitoring program. I had a dream that I was living in an old apartment of mine in St. Paul. I invited some friends from grade school over who did not know that I was in recovery. There was a party that ensued and I drank. I woke up with the taste of rum in my mouth and my forehead drenched in sweat. It was so real to me that I almost called my case worker to tell her that I relapsed back to alcohol. I can still recall almost every detail of that dream 6 years later which is pretty amazing since most days I can't find the keys to my car. 

When I talk to people about recovery and relapse, one tidbit of information that I focus upon: when a relapse happens, I will not go back to the beginning again. It's not a restart button. My physical tolerance to alcohol might go down a little but the behavior, agony and despair will pick up right where I left off, no matter how many years I have been abstinent. Likewise, the progression is faster. When I left off, I was suicidal, tormented, desperate and had only a semblance of a soul left. It would be hard to imagine how much worse it could get. However, there was further down to go: legal problems, jail losing my housing, losing my family, death etc. I didn't hit any of these "milestones" so to speak. There is further down to go which is one of my main motivators to keep me from going back.

In this most recent dream, I relapsed. Not only on alcohol  but in this dream I used cocaine. Even in my dream I told myself, "wow, this just got worse." I was crying and angry in my dream - not so much because I relapsed; more so because I wasn't happy. I decided in this dream to give it one more try. Let me be "part of the party" again. Let me have some fun. It's a pity party gone too far. Fortunately, this dream surfaced after I got home. It was pretty disturbing and I was feeling fortunate to be in my surroundings where I am happiest in my sobriety.

I wondered after the day got started after that dream if I was feeling this way throughout the trip. I wondered why such an intense using dream would come out right now. One of the biggest problems with my relationship with alcohol is that I don't hate it. I love it. I love it way too much. It's an abusive, horrible, annoying, awful relationship that I should have nothing to do with. Ever. Alas, there are times when a look back on that relationship and remember the good times. I remember the parties and the craziness. These thoughts are my first and major warning signals that I am dancing right towards a full blown relapse. So, I do what I need to do to take care of that. Much of that this weekend was looking at the amazing time I had while cruising as a sober person. I didn't need liquor to laugh or to have a good time. Even after all of these years, I have to still remind my brain that there is another way to do life. 

I did find myself getting annoyed with all the alcohol on board the ship. Apparently there are other cruise lines that have AA on board. I definitely would have gone. When I went out to California for a conference 2 years ago, there were AA meetings offered in the evening after all the presentations were done. I went 2 nights while I was there so that I could keep my feet to the fire about my sobriety. When I am around people drinking all of the time, I find myself getting edgy and annoyed. Part of me still has a pretty decent intolerance to people who can drink normally. I wrote an entire blog entry about this exact topic in my second year of recovery. If I remember correctly, it had to do with being jealous. It still does make me jealous. It's like sitting across from someone who is enjoying a relationship with my ex and having a great time. I remember my great times too and I want them back. In reality though, do I want them back? 


​
Step 1 - We admit that we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable
Once I start, I will not stop. I know that I have another drunk in me, just waiting for the right moment. Do I have another recovery in me? I am not sure. And, if I am not sure, it would be an awful test to try. When I am pining after alcohol, I have to remember the unmanageability of my own life. Remember almost losing your job? Remember that those times when you landed in detox? Remember all that money gone? Remember the path of devastation you left behind? 

Step 2 - Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Remember that insanity piece? The trips to the psych ward? I had so much insane thinking and in this recovery I found a higher power to help pull me out of that hole I dug. I admitted I had a problem, in return I was given hope. If I go back, I will loss hope which really means another recovery will be very difficult to find.

Step 3 - Made a decision to our will and our lives over the God (as I understand) 
I spent the last 2 years focusing on my spiritual growth and my conscious contact with God as I understand Him. It becomes easier and easier to pass along my self-doubts, my self pity and any other sorts of static in my life over to God. Prior to getting into recovery, I was mad at God. Furious. If there was a God, why would He make a person suffer like this? Despite my love of alcohol, I need to always be in a place of acceptance that this relationship simply cannot continue. If this relationship continues, I lose it all. I have a choice - have alcohol and have nothing else OR no alcohol, I get life. Seems like it would a pretty easy choice, right? Annoyingly, addiction just doesn't work that way all the time. What is important to know, however, is that each day, I give this relationship over to God. If God wants me to drink, He will open the path to do so. If He doesn't want to me to drink, I will have enough strength, energy, belief and hope to make the best decisions I can to keep my life on track. Every day I wake up, this is what I need to do.

This cruise was both eye opening and super fun. To see different people, places and things in total clarity and focus is what I desired so badly when I was drunk. When I talk to clients about using dreams, I will say my opinion......when I am doing everything right for my recovery that day, addiction's last stand is in my dreams. This is not a clinical thing - just what I think. I had all of these positive experiences and didn't drink once. Addiction was mad. I was around all sorts of alcohol with opportunities to use. I was likely triggered and used my recovery knowledge to do what I needed to be sober for each day of the cruise. Addiction was waiting, doing push-up, ready to pounce on any vulnerability. I didn't get addiction a good shot at relapse during that trip or since my return. 

I am excited to have had this experience. I learn something new every day about myself and this thing called recovery. Some days are easier than others. Today I was back teaching and had this wonderful class of engaged and eager students. I was teaching them to read blood pressure and how to find pulses. This opportunity along with all sorts of other is why I need to be sober. I don't get these thing when I am drunk. I made my decision today to be sober. I will look forward to tomorrow and do my very best to make the right decision again.

Julie
 

This is a picture of the real me. Sober. Doing something that I love (I was baking cookies with my niece and nephew). That smile is a real smile. 

I picked up my 7 year medallion (sober date: 08/09/2010). I waited a few months to get my medallion as my mom and I have a little tradition around this. It was difficult to find a time when we both weren't busy. Fortunately, it came together at the last minute and that day was today! I return to the meeting every year for my medallion I started attending over 8 years ago. I went meetings after my first round in treatment and this one was always my favorite. I didn't stay sober right out of the gates, but I still went trying to find recovery because these people were so happy. Even though I attend different meetings now, I like to return to this one because I feel like that is where my recovery truly started. I went to a first step meeting (a meeting for the beginner in AA) every time I went for over a year. I heard some of the wisest things there: 

• "30 seconds, 30 days, 30 years - we are all the same distance from the ditch."
• "You can't tell me there is any good reason to drink anymore..." (This woman shared heartbreak after heartbreak in her story and remained sober all the way through.)
• "The first step is only one you have to do right every day." (Admit that we are powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.) 
• "The first three steps are about admitting what we are doing doesn't work and be willing to seek another way. Steps 4-9 are action steps - shed your past, be who God meant you to be. The last three steps are maintenance steps to keep you healthy everyday."

As I was getting my coffee at the meeting, out of the blue I was asked to talk about my 5th Step experience. I generally like to prepare for these things a few days in advance; however, I reminded myself that whatever I say was meant to be said. So, I grabbed an AA book and turned to the 5th step information to see if I could find any quick inspiration. I skimmed through it and saw the word "fear". That was all I needed. I knew what I was going to say. I enjoyed the opportunity to talk about my experience.

One thing I touched on which is also something I talk a lot with my clients about is: the addicted me vs the sober me. About half way through my first time in DBT, there was an exercise that we did about defining values. As they were explaining the homework, I couldn't wait to start. I had been sober for maybe about 6 months when this came around the first time (the modules of DBT are repeated 2x before you are completed). It was at that time I realized I knew virtually nothing about myself. I knew some things were important to me, but was that really it for me? It took some deep thinking and soul searching to really articulate what was important to me in terms of morals, values and self. What I came to realize during that exercise is that I was turning into a totally different person than I had been for the previous 18 years of my life. Everything that I wrote down, give or take a few things, I completely steamrolled over during my years of active addiction. Nothing held value for me - relationships? Nope. Finances? Nope. Work? Just barely because I did need to earn some money. It was all about alcohol. I needed it. I wanted it. I would certainly sacrifice my values to do what I needed to get done in order to keep my addiction alive. 

It was right around the time I was completing this values assignment for DBT for the second time (at about 15 months of sobriety) that my sponsor was starting to bug me about a 4th and 5th step. The fourth step is a fearless searching moral inventory of ourselves. Google 4th step worksheets and you can see what this step is all about. It's deep. It's personal. It's the time to lay it all out there - my resentments, who I hurt, my role, my fears, my assumptions and most importantly, my role in all of this. The 4th step is often referred to as the "relapse" step. All this junk comes up from the past. The steps are designed to make us work through that stuff. It is in this step that I was humbled in a sincere and deep way for the first time in my life. There was no situation in my life that was 100% somebody else's fault. There were two people (or more) people in these relationships and I played a major part too. It's hard to relive those things. The cruel things I did to others to make myself feel better. The way I could lie and manipulate most every situation to meet my own needs. Anger and resentments are strong forces. I had a lot of them. It took me a little over 4 months to do this step. Some days I was really ready to dig in. Some days I just knew I didn't have the strength. 

After completing my 4th step, I dodged my sponsor for about a month. I didn't want to do the 5th Step. (Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.) What was she going to think of me? Am I the most terrible person in the whole world? I already hate myself going through this assignment, why is it necessary to share all those resentments, secrets and fears with someone else? Isn't God enough? Or me?  I had a good sponsor that finally cornered me and maybe me do it. She state stone faced as I told her secrets that I carried, resentments I was holding and how angry/furious at God I was about being an alcoholic. When I was done, she said "Good. Now it's time to move forward." 

It dawned on me after that experience, I had developed a sense of self. Some of those things didn't really bother me when I was drinking but these things were gnawing at me in sobriety. I was more in touch with my values and morals. I realized during that 4th and 5th step work how far I was from the authentic me. The using me had virtually silenced the sober me. Because I had lived so hard against everything that was important to me, it was hard to take responsibility or even admit I played a part. Just because addiction is a disease doesn't mean I don't take responsibilities for my actions. The following steps after these two are about taking that responsibility one step further and making amends to those we had harm in our addiction. 

When I talk to my clients about living two different lives, I usually see a light bulb go off in their minds. One reason it is hard to get sober is to face the shitshow I caused in my addiction. Addiction made me prideful and now it was time to get back to earth where I belong. One important thing to remember is: every single person is worthy of forgiveness. Just because I did something in the throes of addiction does not mean that I am the world's worst person. I made horrible decisions. I hurt people. I hurt myself. I caused my family stress and heartache. True. AND now I have the opportunity to be honest about it. Then, I have the opportunity to reconcile with God and then others around me. Being fearless while doing the inventory is to be honest. To be honest, I have to humble myself and be prepared to deal with the wreckage I caused. By taking accountability and mending what I can, I, then, finally, have the opportunity to let go and move forward. 

Because the addicted me had all the experiences that she did, the sober me is much more aware of how life needs to be moving forward. Each day I have choices to make. When I am doing something that makes me feel uncomfortable, I know that I am straying from what is important to me. I have enough clarity in my life now to be fully aware of what I value and why. I often tell people that by BS threshold is very low. It really is. I conjured up so much BS in my own life during my active using years that I just don't have the time and energy anymore for it. I am who I am and that is all that I have to offer. If you don't like it, that is OK with me. I refuse to play that game of changing myself to what I think people want of me. I played both sides for so long that I lost touch with which side I was really on to begin with. That is no way to live. If I don't agree with you, that doesn't me I don't like you. I am just not going to change my opinion to up my chances of being accepted by you. If I can accept others for having different viewpoints, I expect the same in return. Those who are in my life now are those people. The relationships with those individuals are so much more satisfying and happy. I can be myself and still be accepted. 

It was a good day today. 

Julie

I have no idea what happened to the past year. As I age, I find that time is moving faster and faster. I think about all those times in my teenage years I wanted time to speed up. I wanted to be 21. I wanted to be 25. NOW! Since my mid-30s, I have been thinking about how much I want time to slow down. In just a few short weeks, 2018 will be here. I am still having a hard time wrapping my brain around being out of college for nearly 20 years and high school for nearly 25. How in the world does this happen?

This year in recovery has been pretty interesting. In August of this year, I entered my 7th year of recovery. The past 2 years have been the hardest for me in a very different way than my first 2 years. My first year in recovery was rough. Well, let's be more accurate: My first year of recovery sucked. I was so angry, bitter, mad, terrified, embarrassed, ashamed and most of all - annoyed that I was not drinking anymore. I knew that something needed to change and on some levels I was ready to change. Even with some desire to change, it doesn't mean that change comes easily. Addiction is such an interesting beast in this first year of recovery. I had such crazy thoughts and justifications for needing/wanting to go back. "How can I not drinking over.....(*insert lame excuse here*)...?" I had some really strong women in recovery around me who were trying to show me the way. I would stare at them and tell myself they were part of a cult. Angry. I was very angry.

Year 2 is when things really started to take a turn in the right direction. I felt "normal" (whatever that is) for the first time in my life. I felt like I had my motivation back. I physically felt good. I emotionally was feeling pretty strong. I had completed DBT which was really a lifesaver when it came to that unrelenting angry and self-pity. I was going to change the world! I started blogging, I was attending AA weekly, meeting with my sponsor, going place and telling my story. I told most everyone I met that I was in recovery. Recovery was so exciting! This is it! This is going to be life.

In some ways, I would give something (not everything) to go back to that second year of recovery. While things were not perfect, there were so many new things that I was experiencing. I had this sense of adventure and curiosity. I was ready to tackle the world. As recovery moved into years 3-7, the focus of my recovery has changed. I worry from time to time that I have another drunk in me. I  also know how hard I had to fight to get here today. I am not sure that I would have another full fledged recovery in me. I never lose focus that I could potentially drink tomorrow. As the time grows greater and greater between me and my last drink, my focus has really shifted from getting over urges and cravings to building a life in recovery that is worthwhile and fulfilling. And this is where things can get kinda tough and can be kinda fun all at the same time.

What addiction robbed of me the most was my moral compass. There were certain values and morals that I aspired to and held close to my heart. When I was actively using, I just didn't care. I didn't care about the people in my life. I didn't care about my health. I didn't care about potentially harming others. I just needed to drink. Addictive thinking can be pretty crazy. The annoying part to me is that I knew my thinking was warped! I really did know that. I used to try to tell myself that I wasn't addicted, I just didn't want to quit. When my liver was hurting from acute alcoholic hepatitis, I would just tell myself that I had the flu. When the reality of those lies was too clear to ignore, I would grab another drink and forget all about it. I would even shake my head at things I was telling other people. "What the hell is wrong with me" was a frequent question I would be mumbling to myself on a near daily basis. I never really had to actually answer that question until I got into treatment. Addiction. What was wrong with me? Nothing. Addiction was ruling my life. I had lost me.

In these later years of recovery, I feel like my focus has been on getting back in line with my values. Oddly, for the first couple of years, I didn't even know what my values really were. I had spend a majority of my life playing both sides of the fence. I had a limited sense of self coming into recovery. I was a nurse.....um...that was about it. I remember being so angry when I graduated from my last treatment. My fellow group mates told me "You gotta figure you out." So, I ended up quickly adopting recovery as my new self. 100% recovery, 100% of the time. Honestly, what I feared with this whole recovery thing was burning out on it. If you take a look at my craft projects, I have about 10 different ones going. I start something, it's all about that for a week or two and then slowly I wander away from it. Then, on to something new! I really did fear that I was going to burn myself out in the same way with this whole recovery thing. Only, instead of losing $30 to unwanted craft items, I stand to lose my life. 

As my restlessness grew in 2017, I wondered if I had come to that place of burning out in my recovery. I blog about recovery. I work 40 hours per week as a substance abuse counselor. I attend meetings. I research things about my clients when I am at home. I talk about recovery 24/7. Year 7, thus far, has really been about finding a true identity beyond recovery. This process is still very much in progress. I did learn a few things so far. There are other facets of my personality and being that I am not in touch with at the moment. I have become less mindful over the years which has probably cost me some time and growth opportunities. I still have some work to do.

As I am closing out this year, I am holding some excitement for the year ahead. I have felt stuck for the past 2 years or so. When I think back to that Year 2, I had such ambitions and expectations for what time of impact I was going to make in my recovery. I have always felt like there was something big waiting for me if I chose this direction. Finally, at the end of this year, I am feeling reconnected with that feeling. I was told that I needed to be on the lookout for opportunities and be ready to make a change. Most of the time, I don't really care for change. I want things to be predictable. Oddly, in this past year, I need change. I need some things to shift. I need something to look forward to. And while I value routine for the sake of my recovery, my routine has stagnated my growth. I have become dependent on things not changing. As I had been more and more ingrained in this routine, the more restless I have felt.

There is going to be something in 2018. I have no idea what or when. What I do know is that I need to stay mindful and aware. I need to be be flexible and open. I need to practice what I preach in terms of recovery. I also really need to figure out this whole self-care thing. I have spent some time digging into this more in the past few months. I am now aware that despite my best efforts, I tend to hold onto the pain of my clients. When people trust me enough to tell me about the demons of the past, I feel a deep sense of responsibility in those moments. I feel the pain with them at time. Other times, I am able to keep some distance. What I now know is that I am bearing too much of that burden. I haven't quite found a way that reconciles my desire to honor the trust  I have given and not to assume the pain associated with their experiences. I become so hyperfocused on their pain that I forget to work on my own and find ways to release it. This is high priority #1 for 2018.

I am establishing some goals for 2018. As I am writing this blog, I keep having this thought about "something might have to give." I met with a woman a little while back. She was encouraging me to be aware of some dawning opportunities in my life. She was also very clear that I do too many things. I am teaching part-time, I work full time, I also have another job as a nurse causally. I think I know what has to give and I am not super excited about it. I am going to have to keep giving this some more thought and see what 2018 thinks of my decisions. :) 

Peace!
​Julie

I bet if I were to look through my blog posts, most of my post holiday chatter would be about my newfound love of the holidays. It's not that I didn't like the holidays before, I was just drunk or wanting to be drunk. I really wasn't all that focused on being with family and celebrating the fact that I have it pretty darn good with my family and otherwise. With that said, let me tell you about my love of the holidays in recovery. Ready? Set. Go.

I was counseled and now counsel people about the holiday times being a ripe time for relapse. We are all busy. We can be stressed out. There certainly can be drugs and alcohol all over the place if you family uses or abuses them. If you live anywhere near me in MN, we only have about 10 minutes of sunlight a day. I can already tell that part if wearing on me. Up at 6;45am - dark. Getting off of work at 4:30 - almost dark. I believe this could really add to the stress factor of the holidays for some, I know it did for me. What plays the biggest role in the holiday relapse though, in my humble opinion, is resentments. I have listened to a few 5th steps in my day (tell another person about our fearless and moral inventory of the ways we have harmed other, our resentments, our secrets). Family ranks high in the resentment area whether it be parents who children believed failed them or siblings who were treated better or family members that were abusive, unloving or appeared to not really care.

When I was in my 20s, what I found particularly difficult was being with someone else's family (I had a long term boyfriend that turned into an engagement and then married for a short while). I don't know if I am "normal" in terms of wanting to be with my family at the holidays. I didn't like splitting that time. Part of me wonders if that has to do with all the time I spent abroad. I spent several holidays away from my family. I was eternally homesick while I was away on both adventures. Maybe there is just a part of my soul that doesn't ever want to experience that again. Also, I think it had to do with our traditions. I am flexible in a lot of ways in my life, but there are a few areas that I am pretty uncompromising. Holidays are just one of those things. I remember clearly when my sister was talking about going to her future in-laws for Thanksgiving years ago. I burst into tears. I think it was a little shocking for everyone because this is what most normal people do. 

This year, our family was together and I had a rather amazing time. I love my family dearly and they have been tremendously supportive through my ups and downs. I want to share the good things that are going on in my life and also enjoy the moments of snuggling with my nephew and playing a game with my niece. All simple things that I hope I don't ever overlook. Two weeks ago, I was having kind of a bad time. Nothing overly concerning, just a bad few days that come every so often. The week of Thanksgiving came around and I felt like I had my energy back. I worked a 13 hour day on Wednesday and I think the only reason I got through was because I was so excited for the next day. I didn't even need an alarm to get up. If you know me, that's a big deal.

I hear many heart wrenching stories in my line of work, both as a nurse and as a counselor, of how dysfunctional families can really get. It makes me feel tremendously grateful that I have this loving family that I do. Are we perfect? Nope. Would I change anything about us? Nope. I love us just the way that we are. 

My sister taught me years ago about what an awesome sister does. In particular, she wrote me very regularly while I was living in Europe. I don't know if she will ever quite know how much those letters meant. As I was struggling to get sober, she didn't necessarily understand all of this addiction stuff, but she tried. She asked me questions and did her best to understand the mistakes I had made. A few years in, she did a recovery 5K with me and threw me a birthday party for "my other birthday". I have an awesome sister and I will never forget it. 

For my readers who have met my Mom, you know how special she is. She stood up for me over the years and I still feel that "mama bear" protectiveness about her. I remember distinctly when I was 15 years old, we were driving home from my high school, getting onto I-94E from Collegeville back to St. Cloud. It was during that ride that she tried to warn me about alcohol, the family history of alcohol issues and offered a stern warning that she didn't want me going down that path. Well, like any good 15 year old, I didn't listen. Then, off I went to live in Austria for a year where alcohol could be easily accessed. Now being 40 years old and looking at teenagers of my friends and family, it must have been heartbreaking as my Mom to watch what eventually happened to me.

What I appreciate most that my Mom was able to do for my recovery was hand my recovery over to me. I think she studied furiously during the Family Week of my first residential treatment. I was really mad at the counselor of those group. "She told my Mom that we are co-dependent. How does she know? Who is she to tell us how our relationship works." On and on I went for that whole entire week. Her actions, though, contributed to my long term success. Of course I didn't like that people were suggesting that our relationship needed to change. I was getting all sorts of things that I wanted. What she did was to take care of herself. She had spent endless hours of many days worrying about what my next catastrophe was going to be. By the end of my drinking career, they were becoming more frequent and increasing in intensity. She started having an adult relationship with me. She would be there to support me and love me, but fighting this addiction was my deal. She has always offered me compassion and love throughout this process. What she has not done (and I appreciate) is to tell me what I need to do to support my recovery. I need to ask for help if I need it. She would still love me if I relapsed. She is, however, not going to tell me to get to my meetings or get a sponsor or go to therapy. Those are decisions I need to make for my own recovery. For this, I am grateful beyond words.

I love the holidays now. I am not getting drunk nor do I feel the urge to. I have no resentments against my family and therefore love to hang out when we can. I adore my friends who send me cards, send me messages and invite me to parties. I feel so very fortunate to have all of this in my life so that I have something positive to offset the fact that there is only about 8-9 hours of sunlight per day. The holidays become some of the brightness I need to conquer these winter months. 

I hope that everyone had a decent Thanksgiving holiday!

Talk with you soon!
J

 

The message from the universe has been pretty clear to me for the past about 5 months. I received this message more than once. It is a message that most of my readers are probably familiar with too. "You are the only thing standing in your way." I will usually follow up with that message and ask, "Well, how do I get out of my own way?" The answer there has not been entirely clear. I honestly know that a lot of what stands in the way of one of my goals is fear and insecurity. Much of the time, I have a great deal of confidence in what I know and how I say it. There are other moments that I fear rejection. My poor therapist gets the majority of the conversation.....

Ever since I was little, I never liked to be corrected. I would be super happy to soak up anything positive, but the minute I would be offered constructive criticism, I would be angry on the outside and devastated on the inside. I would perseverate on the negatives and come up with a 100 different reason why that person was wrong and why I was right. I knew when I was first getting sober that this was an area of my life that I would have to work on. Well, 7 years later, it's still an issue.

Part of me thinks that because I hold myself to high standards and I did my best, then there is no room for improvement. When I ask for feedback, I don't really want it. If you have some positive to say, I am all over it. If the sentence starts out with....."maybe you should consider...." Good grief. I fall apart. I think over the past 7 years, I haven't really figured out how to deal with this. I just became better about having a poker face when people are talking to me. 

Now, I am not arrogant enough to think that I know everything and I do everything in the best way possible. I am very well aware of that fact. So, I don't always understand why taking feedback is such a hard deal for me. When I first got out of nursing school, feedback about my technique was a little easier to take. I was new and most of the technical skills were hard. When I first started in substance abuse counseling, I had to remind myself that I have a lot to learn, no two days are going to be the same and what we did 2 years ago might not be best today. The field is changing quickly. I have to be confident in the understanding that I will never know everything and it's better to just go with the flow.

In some ways, when I am getting feedback, I feel like I am being judged. Not only judged, judged harshly (incompetent, stupid, weird, etc.) Suddenly, I have this strong desire for someone to say something nice to me or I have a desire to defend myself beyond reasonable place. I presented something in a meeting recently, expecting a certain reaction and when I got the opposite, I went into defense mode. Then, of course, I took it home with me with me thinking about the number of ways I was right. Ugh. This is so frustrating. I try to do a little self-talk and get myself off of the ceiling. I am usually pretty good at and eventually get over it. When I am coming from a defensive place, it usually doesn't end well for me. I can have a mouth on me or I can run a good passive aggressive game as well.

I know that this fear of judgement, this place of defensiveness and this inability to take even constructive criticism is what is standing in the way of my next step. OK. I will say it. I want to write a book. In fact, I have started three. I think about it all the time when I am driving back and forth to work. I remind myself how much I like to write this blog and why writing a book would be the next logical step. I look for writing classes online that are at times I could participate. I found a writing club. I get a daily email with inspirations to keep writing. Then I start reading about actually publishing. Boom. I freeze up and all three books, essays, whatever are sitting on my desktop because the idea of submitting my writing and having it rejected is something I greatly fear. Writing is something that I feel really passionate about and, for the most part, I think I am pretty good at it. I have a lot to say. One of the big ways I reconciled with God about this whole experience of addiction was that my story, my experience was going to mean something. I was not going to experience that level of desolation in my life and not have a reason for it. So my reason (aka purpose) was to talk about it. Blog about it. And maybe now, write a book about the topic.

One of the emails that I got from this writing service talked about dealing with rejection and the importance of having a solid copy editor. That stopped me right in my tracks. It brought me back to getting my english papers back in high school with comments like "unclear sentence", "using passive voice construct - avoid", "??". The question marks were particularly hard for me. What do you mean you don't understand me? Even as I write this, my mind is already going to the defensive. I have a vivid memory of my 10th grade english class. I had hoped that I would be "discovered" as this amazing writer. Well, that didn't happen. I took some college course in the area but when they wanted me to read a book, I was kind busy getting drunk.

When I started this blog in 2011, I was in a place where I felt alive again. I was learning basic living skills that others probably figured out in their early 20s at age 34. I was amazed at how all these little skills worked. I was amazed that I could cope without alcohol. I also wanted people to know what I had experienced. Over the years. people have written to me, emailed me, called me, etc. because my journey is their journey and it's super nice to know you are not alone. Those are some of my most humbling moments that my words can reach someone and maybe all of that pain and anguish I experienced for all those years serves a purpose. I wanted to share what it was like to be on the brink of death and come back to life.

I know my words have meaning. I know my experience has meaning too. I know once I start to write what is in my heart, a book will be completed in a relatively short period of time. The problem is, the words on those pages are my heart. The fear of my words being rejected is paralyzingly fearful to me. Through this process of soul searching for the past year, I have come to realize my issue is this fear of rejection and also my lack of ability to see feedback for what it is - an offer to make something good even stronger. When it comes to this, though, my defense button gets it and I go from 0 ("sure!") to 100 ("f--- off") in about 11 seconds. 

I am writing this blog entry for a couple of reasons. 1. I haven't written in a long time. 2. My thinking becomes more aligned and focus when I write it out. 3. I am hoping by facing these feelings and fears head on, I am sending a message back to the universe...."I am working on it. I am figuring it out. Watch for me."

Peace,
Julie

My oh my, it's been over 3 months since I posted something. That is not right!! I need to get back on here and get some of these thoughts out of my head! I have had a couple of inspiring months and have written nothing about it. My oh my.

Since my last post, I did celebrate my 7 years of recovery. I haven't had the chance to get my medallion yet. My mom has been the giver of my medallion for the past few years and our busy social schedules haven't lined up to get this done. I will patiently wait for that day, whenever it comes. I think back, 10 years ago, too scared to say anything to my family because I thought they would be so disappointed in me or mad at me. Little did I know that my mom, sister and her family enjoy the opportunity to celebrate my freedom from alcohol right along side me. If my present self had a chat with my past self, I don't know that I would have believed it. To have my mom be able to hand me my medallion is beyond compare and, like I said, I will wait patiently for that day.

Over the summer, I was recruited to start teaching. One of the goals I had when I got into the field of substance abuse treatment was teaching. I have searched over the years, trying to figure out exactly how to get to that goal. Well.....I have all of the licensures and the educational requirements. I have no experience. People tell me that I am good at training and good at public speaking, but I have no formal teaching experience. Well, this opportunity came up to teach a Medical Assistant course for an associates program. Although it is not teaching about substance abuse, it is granting me the opportunity to gain some experience in the teaching world. As an adjunct professor, I get a small stipend to teach, part-time hours and the amazing opportunity to see if the teaching gig is really for me. What I have learned so far is that I can connect with students. I do have fun with the materials. Also...it has been a long time since I studied some of this information. Nursing school was 15 years ago for me! I started teaching in September after labor day and in just about 4 weeks, I will be closing out my first full semester of teaching.

September and October were long months. My full time job as a counselor was rough. I work alongside some very complex individuals. Some days I was questioning why I decided to go this route. I literally see people dying of their disease of addiction right in front of me with such profound denial about their condition that it will ultimately lead to death. I see a lot of heartache and pain. I listen as people bring up trauma from a dark past they were hoping to never awaken. I had several weeks in a row where I was wondering if being a counselor really served any purpose. I have always been told, since the first semester of graduate school, "you cannot take credit for anybody's successes because you will, then, have to take credit for the failures too." This concept was constantly running through my through September and October. I didn't feel like I was taking successes, setbacks or failure personally. I think I wondered at times if I was really strong enough to be in this role. My heart wants to take away the pain. My heart wants to offer some profound words to make it all better, make it all go away. Most of the time, my logical brain is able to walk me through these times. Sometimes my heart takes over and can make my job pretty hard some days.

Additionally, there was a lot of focus on "secondary trauma". In essence, I experience trauma in dealing with other people's trauma. Also under that microscope was caregiver burnout. I decided to go to a psychic fair. It was kinda fun. I went to a booth and have my auras read. I was given this really cool print out of my chakras and areas to focus on for healing. The woman working with me said "holy cow....you are burnt out. What do you do?" I told her and she said my results made complete sense. Between 3 jobs (teaching, nursing and counselor), much of what I do is giving of myself. I can't imagine any other way to live which is what I told her when she asked about taking care of my soul and heart. She noted that in my heart chakra, I was giving 100% of my heart. Again, she told me that my selections of professions made total sense. She also warned me, however, that the world doesn't always deserve 100% of my heart either. I talked with her for some time about how I had closed my heart off to almost all of my relationships while I was using. I told her how I felt to free to just be me, wear my heart on my sleeve, say what I think, etc. She remarked that while these are good things, my openness should be reserved for those who have earned access to my heart. Talk about a lot of food for thought. 

During this few months, I have been away at trainings and busy on the weekends. I had stopped going to church and I could feel it. I finally got back last week and even went twice! A friend of mine was so kind to visit my church and he extended the invitation to go to his which happened to be that same weekend. Both places had incredible messages. My church talked about purpose. Even if I am not perfect, even if I don't do it all right, there is still a plan out there for me. It was something I needed to hear. I was going weary, going somewhat cynical and starting to wonder if my situation as it is today is the pinnacle of my journey. Honestly, it would not be a bad place to be at; however, I am still feeling this itch. It is something that I need to do in my spare time. It is not a career change. It is not a change in employers. I just felt this sense while listening to this message that there is something I should let go of in order to open myself up to other opportunities. I just don't know what that is right now. This restlessness has been around for awhile now. I was given a strong message back in June....the only thing standing in my way is.......wait for it........me. Sigh.

The second message was about anger. Ahhh....anger, often times referred to as the secondary emotion. Anger is something that we are all familiar with and in certain situations it just feels right to be angry even though the honest emotion being experienced is something else (i.e. disappointment, shame, etc). The message about anger was in context of relationship killers. I know a lot about that! The first whole year of my sobriety I was mad. I was angry. I was annoyed and always one sentence away from losing it. I was reminded of how far my recovery has come since that first year. I was angry for nothing other than I thought the world had done me wrong and I deserved more. I was in a place of feeling constantly like a victim and wanting to fight just for the sake of fighting. Part of the message talked about "healthy" anger. There are things in the world that we should be mad about. There are things that we do get mad about because we are PASSIONATE about that topic. So, it can serve a purpose as long as we are very mindful of what type of anger we are experiencing. 

Earlier this month, I had a rather intense situation develop. In the end, everything turned out for the best. However, for 45 minutes straight, I was angry at addiction. I was angry that addiction had this person so confused and hopeless. I walked out of work that day angry. I am passionate about treating addiction and being part of the solution to win the war against it. That day, however, I really felt the fatigue of that battle. My challenge at this point is how to take care of myself so I don't burnt out. Often times when I am passionate about something, I go 3,000mph and get sick of it in a month or two. You should see how many unfinished craft projects I have around my house. Even and steady is not usually the way that I live life. Now, entering this place of recovery and growth, I need to learn how. I got a lot of years ahead of me with a lot of things that I still want to do. I want to avoid impulsive decisions in an attempt to rejuvenate some passion. All in all, I just don't know what that means.

So, I will continue on with this journey with some ideas of the next step to take to address this restlessness. Thank you all for continuing to read despite my lack of posting!!

​Julie

In the past weeks, I have been talking a lot with my clients about the "Stage of Relapse". Basically, it's all about watching for the warning signs and knowing what we need to do when these things pop up in our lives. I have been through the stages of relapse pretty much every year of my recovery. The three stages are: Emotional Relapse, Mental Relapse and Physical Relapse. The only stage of relapse I haven't hit was the physical. The emotional relapse is the hardest to identify. Things are off, behaviors are subtly changing and recovery becomes less and less of a priority. The mental relapse is a little more obvious if you know what you are watching for. For me, I find myself justifying and glorifying old use. In the AA world, we call it "stinkin' thinkin'". It's true. That is exactly what it is. Fortunately, as I have moved through the last several years of recovery, these thoughts are brief and it takes all of 60 seconds for me to move forward. As a person walks through these phases of relapse, if we don't do something to stop it, we are at high risk for using again. 

Based on my experience last night at the Seether concert, i have been thinking today about the Phases of Recovery. Is there still a "phase" at year 7? As I reflect about this time 7 years ago, I was not totally ready for recovery, but I knew something had to change. In a way, I would say that my recovery began in the fall of 2009. Phase 1: Still using, still wanting something to change. I had just started at the U of Minnesota in the Transplant Center. It was the total dream job. During my first week of orientation, I followed a liver transplant patient through his evaluation. I introduced myself to him and asked if I could have his permission to follow him through his evaluation. He told me to have a seat and "let's do this." He told me about his story. He had been an alcoholic for over 20 years. His liver was now trashed and the only way to save his life was to get a transplant. I watched his conversations with the nurses and the doctors. I was totally convinced for the first couple of months there that I was dying from liver failure. 

I was then due for my annual physical. I always freaked out at this appointment. I was pretty sure this was the year that I was going to find out that my liver was toast. Not once in 15 years did I ever had elevated liver enzymes until I was admitted to detox in February 2010. Anyway, I went to this appointment in the fall of 2009. I worked up the courage to tell my doctor at the time that I was drinking 1/2-1 liter of hard liquor a day. Her response to me "Ok. I will add alcohol abuse to your chart. Do you need anything else?" Well, she wasn't concerned, so my little addict brain said...."WHOO HOO! Let's keep this going!" And....that's what I did. 

In January 2010, my schedule required that I take a call for a period of 24 hours on Sundays. I worked a 12 hour overnight on Saturday and worked through the following Monday at 7am. I worked one week on and one week off - 12 hour shifts. In the beginning I could get through without a drink in between shifts and get through those 24 hours. Those days were terribly miserable, but I could do it. In that month, it was the first time that I couldn't do it anymore. I started drinking in between shifts and I started drinking during that 24 hours of on call. I knew this was going down quickly. February 8th, 2010, I entered detox. I begged for treatment. I got what I wanted. 

I absorbed everything that I could from treatment. I got a temporary sponsor, I was attending all meetings available in treatment and I attended every single group. I was the star of treatment. I did work, I saw mental health. I did everything they told me to do. I read the Big Book. In my mind, I was thinking that maybe I could or maybe I couldn't. In 60 days, I was back at it. I still consider myself in the same period of recovery. 

​I don't really think I moved from abstinent into recovery until 2011. The first year of recovery was pretty rough. I struggled to figure out who I was. I was angry - all the time. I was attending meetings, sometimes taking a few words of wisdom with me. Some days I felt like I was different. Some days I realized that I am no different than any other person who has addiction. After year 1, I think I finally started to get it. I was feeling motivated to do something. I was thinking clearly again. I wasn't thinking about drinking every day. I had other focuses in life. Phase 2: Maintenance. Keep doing what I am doing and my destiny in recovery will be clear.

Phase 3: Seeking Purpose. I spent so many years doing absolutely nothing. I did graduate from college. I graduated from nursing school. I was employed continuously. I had a home and paid my bills. Yet, I had no sense of self. The persona that I had developed over the years was centered around my drinking and my ability to do so. I was the party person. It was all so empty. Now, I had been sobered for 2 years, I needed something moving forward. I was generally OK with my job. I also knew that I had hit the top of my career as an LPN unless I went back to school to get my RN. I told myself long before I started in recovery that I wanted to get my masters degree before the age of 40. Well? Now I am sober, why the heck not? Let's apply. I had also decided when I was first in treatment, I was never, ever, ever going to be an addiction counselor. As my DBT therapist used to tell me, "never, always" are pretty strong words. Be careful or you will have to eat them. Well, those words taste like chicken. After searching and applying for MBA programs, MS in Health Care Administration and other random programs, I realized that when it came to the essays asking "Why do you want to do this?", I couldn't come up with anything more than "because I want a masters degree." I was pursuing purpose but didn't know how to define it.

So one day, I decided I should be a counselor. Maybe in all of suffering of addiction and this bastion of hope I now had in recovery could be passed along to others. I did a search. I pulled up the application. "In 2-3 pages, tell us why you would like to pursue this education." 6 pages later, I decided that I really needed to do this. I was 18 months sober when I applied. In MN, you have to be able to report 2 consecutive years of sobriety before entering the field. 2 weeks after my 2nd year anniversary, I signed the form indicating that I was there and I started school one week after that. 

Phase 4: Finding Identity: I got out of school and I was not in a good place. I had some difficulties in school. In hindsight, my little addict personality was alive and well. In retrospect now, if I could do it again, I would wait until I had more years of sobriety under my belt. Having lived in the depths of addiction for 15+ years, 2 years into recovery was too soon. I was just doing baby steps at that point and devoting myself to this career was a bit more than I had bargained for in terms of my own personal recovery. Being a counselor means putting my personal recovery aside and being a clinician. My recovery is not their recovery. 

What a realized in this phase of recovery was that I lend so much weight to my career as a way to identify myself. As my recovery as gone on, I have made my identity "recovery" if you will. I found in this phase in recovery though is that I am much than just one thing. Yes, I am a nurse. Yes I am in recovery. Yes, I am a counselor. 2 of these things I do for a living; one of these things became the only thing I related to in my personal life. It's a priority and it's important, don't get me wrong. It is also important to know that there are more than just 3 things about me. I was entering year 5 of recovery and felt very lost again about me. Something was missing. I had this one thing and I was yearning for something more. 

Phase 5: Spirituality: Spirituality is not religion. The "God" of AA is not the God of Christianity. It can be if that is the most meaningful understanding to you. I often hear people say HP (Higher Power) and, over the years, I have heard people identify the power greater than themselves to be a ton of things (i.e. nature, the universe, a home group of AA, AA itself, etc). I thought I knew what I believed in when it came to my definition of "God". I believe very much in a power greater than myself and I choose to call Him "God". I believe there is a connection between me and something that is not tangible. As I recognized the goodness in my life, goodness tends to come back to me tenfold. There have been just too many things that happened right at the time they should have for me not to believe in something. 

I had this desire to expand my spiritual understanding. I started digging deep into my values and core beliefs. What makes me happy? What makes me sad? How can I strengthen this connection to continue to fuel the journey. As recently as a few blog entries ago, I have been searching for these answers. I started a journal recently with a very guided set of questions to start digging deeper. If I can figure out what keeps me going and getting out of bed in the morning, I know my struggles with identity will diminish. 

I am now connected with a church that I just adore. The messages every time I go there rejuvenate me. This place speaks to my values and beliefs. Recently, I have been able to connect the power of music to me. I have become more aware of how to feed my spirit. This phase might be a pretty long one for me. I don't know that there is ever really an end to be had here. I am changing all the time. Each new experience in life teaching me something about myself and about the world around me. My tolerance changes for certain things. As an example, about 2 years into my recovery, I wrote a blog about being annoyed with "normies" (also known as the 90% of people who don't have problems with alcohol). Today, entering year 8, I just don't have the energy to let that bother me anymore. I can either take the time of focus on the 1 things I can't have or I can focus on all that is now available to me because I got sober. The choice is mine and it's pretty clear.

Phase 6: Acceptance x infinity: A couple of things about acceptance. One - it is HUGE in recovery, every day. Two - This journey is never over unless I choose it be. I need to be willing and able to accept that each day brings new challenges and new rewards. I am either open to them or not. I can either accept life on life's terms or suffer the consequences. I used to ask my DBT therapist "Can't you just accept something once and be done already?" She often commented back then on my impatience. The first skill I was ever taught in treatment was "Radical Acceptance". Acceptance doesn't mean I like it. Acceptance doesn't mean I approve of it. Acceptance (especially the radical kind) is acknowledging that reality is reality. When I think about where I was at when I was introduced to this skills, I was in treatment for the third time, under the constant monitoring of the State and still processing anger from my divorce that had happened over 3 years prior to that. I wanted my ex to be miserable. I didn't think his life should have moved on so quickly. I didn't think that I should have to pay for the mortgage. I didn't think that it was fair that I was an alcoholic. I sat there for over 3 years. Guess what? While he is out doing what he is doing, I am stuck in 2007. I spent all this time worrying and holding anger about someone that wasn't even in my life anymore. I couldn't experience any happiness because I was spending all of my time trying to think of ways that he might be miserable now. "I take the poison and wait for the other person to die." Here is the hard and fast truth: I was divorced. Life is not always fair. If I want to be happy I have to worry about what I need to do to get there. I made decisions. I made choices. The past can never be changed. My options become pretty clear at this point: Stay here or move on. If I am married to the anger (so to speak), then I stay put. If I want to move on, I need/have to accept that what happened, happened. If I don't like the outcome, I better change what I am doing. 

I realize this entry has become quite lengthy so I am going to stop here. What I can tell you is that recovery or not, we move through different phases in our lives. Our priorities change, our focuses change and the world changes around us. This journey, so far, through the phases I identified here have been some of the rewarding and challenging experience in my life. I've screwed up at times but I don't feel so terrible about it. I right my wrongs when I can and make an effort to do something different moving forward.

08/09/2010 is 7 years of recovery for me. In 2010, I never thought this would be possible.

​Julie