Who Me?

The message from the universe has been pretty clear to me for the past about 5 months. I received this message more than once. It is a message that most of my readers are probably familiar with too. "You are the only thing standing in your way." I will usually follow up with that message and ask, "Well, how do I get out of my own way?" The answer there has not been entirely clear. I honestly know that a lot of what stands in the way of one of my goals is fear and insecurity. Much of the time, I have a great deal of confidence in what I know and how I say it. There are other moments that I fear rejection. My poor therapist gets the majority of the conversation.....

Ever since I was little, I never liked to be corrected. I would be super happy to soak up anything positive, but the minute I would be offered constructive criticism, I would be angry on the outside and devastated on the inside. I would perseverate on the negatives and come up with a 100 different reason why that person was wrong and why I was right. I knew when I was first getting sober that this was an area of my life that I would have to work on. Well, 7 years later, it's still an issue.

Part of me thinks that because I hold myself to high standards and I did my best, then there is no room for improvement. When I ask for feedback, I don't really want it. If you have some positive to say, I am all over it. If the sentence starts out with....."maybe you should consider...." Good grief. I fall apart. I think over the past 7 years, I haven't really figured out how to deal with this. I just became better about having a poker face when people are talking to me. 

Now, I am not arrogant enough to think that I know everything and I do everything in the best way possible. I am very well aware of that fact. So, I don't always understand why taking feedback is such a hard deal for me. When I first got out of nursing school, feedback about my technique was a little easier to take. I was new and most of the technical skills were hard. When I first started in substance abuse counseling, I had to remind myself that I have a lot to learn, no two days are going to be the same and what we did 2 years ago might not be best today. The field is changing quickly. I have to be confident in the understanding that I will never know everything and it's better to just go with the flow.

In some ways, when I am getting feedback, I feel like I am being judged. Not only judged, judged harshly (incompetent, stupid, weird, etc.) Suddenly, I have this strong desire for someone to say something nice to me or I have a desire to defend myself beyond reasonable place. I presented something in a meeting recently, expecting a certain reaction and when I got the opposite, I went into defense mode. Then, of course, I took it home with me with me thinking about the number of ways I was right. Ugh. This is so frustrating. I try to do a little self-talk and get myself off of the ceiling. I am usually pretty good at and eventually get over it. When I am coming from a defensive place, it usually doesn't end well for me. I can have a mouth on me or I can run a good passive aggressive game as well.

I know that this fear of judgement, this place of defensiveness and this inability to take even constructive criticism is what is standing in the way of my next step. OK. I will say it. I want to write a book. In fact, I have started three. I think about it all the time when I am driving back and forth to work. I remind myself how much I like to write this blog and why writing a book would be the next logical step. I look for writing classes online that are at times I could participate. I found a writing club. I get a daily email with inspirations to keep writing. Then I start reading about actually publishing. Boom. I freeze up and all three books, essays, whatever are sitting on my desktop because the idea of submitting my writing and having it rejected is something I greatly fear. Writing is something that I feel really passionate about and, for the most part, I think I am pretty good at it. I have a lot to say. One of the big ways I reconciled with God about this whole experience of addiction was that my story, my experience was going to mean something. I was not going to experience that level of desolation in my life and not have a reason for it. So my reason (aka purpose) was to talk about it. Blog about it. And maybe now, write a book about the topic.

One of the emails that I got from this writing service talked about dealing with rejection and the importance of having a solid copy editor. That stopped me right in my tracks. It brought me back to getting my english papers back in high school with comments like "unclear sentence", "using passive voice construct - avoid", "??". The question marks were particularly hard for me. What do you mean you don't understand me? Even as I write this, my mind is already going to the defensive. I have a vivid memory of my 10th grade english class. I had hoped that I would be "discovered" as this amazing writer. Well, that didn't happen. I took some college course in the area but when they wanted me to read a book, I was kind busy getting drunk.

When I started this blog in 2011, I was in a place where I felt alive again. I was learning basic living skills that others probably figured out in their early 20s at age 34. I was amazed at how all these little skills worked. I was amazed that I could cope without alcohol. I also wanted people to know what I had experienced. Over the years. people have written to me, emailed me, called me, etc. because my journey is their journey and it's super nice to know you are not alone. Those are some of my most humbling moments that my words can reach someone and maybe all of that pain and anguish I experienced for all those years serves a purpose. I wanted to share what it was like to be on the brink of death and come back to life.

I know my words have meaning. I know my experience has meaning too. I know once I start to write what is in my heart, a book will be completed in a relatively short period of time. The problem is, the words on those pages are my heart. The fear of my words being rejected is paralyzingly fearful to me. Through this process of soul searching for the past year, I have come to realize my issue is this fear of rejection and also my lack of ability to see feedback for what it is - an offer to make something good even stronger. When it comes to this, though, my defense button gets it and I go from 0 ("sure!") to 100 ("f--- off") in about 11 seconds. 

I am writing this blog entry for a couple of reasons. 1. I haven't written in a long time. 2. My thinking becomes more aligned and focus when I write it out. 3. I am hoping by facing these feelings and fears head on, I am sending a message back to the universe...."I am working on it. I am figuring it out. Watch for me."

Peace,
Julie