Purpose

My oh my, it's been over 3 months since I posted something. That is not right!! I need to get back on here and get some of these thoughts out of my head! I have had a couple of inspiring months and have written nothing about it. My oh my.

Since my last post, I did celebrate my 7 years of recovery. I haven't had the chance to get my medallion yet. My mom has been the giver of my medallion for the past few years and our busy social schedules haven't lined up to get this done. I will patiently wait for that day, whenever it comes. I think back, 10 years ago, too scared to say anything to my family because I thought they would be so disappointed in me or mad at me. Little did I know that my mom, sister and her family enjoy the opportunity to celebrate my freedom from alcohol right along side me. If my present self had a chat with my past self, I don't know that I would have believed it. To have my mom be able to hand me my medallion is beyond compare and, like I said, I will wait patiently for that day.

Over the summer, I was recruited to start teaching. One of the goals I had when I got into the field of substance abuse treatment was teaching. I have searched over the years, trying to figure out exactly how to get to that goal. Well.....I have all of the licensures and the educational requirements. I have no experience. People tell me that I am good at training and good at public speaking, but I have no formal teaching experience. Well, this opportunity came up to teach a Medical Assistant course for an associates program. Although it is not teaching about substance abuse, it is granting me the opportunity to gain some experience in the teaching world. As an adjunct professor, I get a small stipend to teach, part-time hours and the amazing opportunity to see if the teaching gig is really for me. What I have learned so far is that I can connect with students. I do have fun with the materials. Also...it has been a long time since I studied some of this information. Nursing school was 15 years ago for me! I started teaching in September after labor day and in just about 4 weeks, I will be closing out my first full semester of teaching.

September and October were long months. My full time job as a counselor was rough. I work alongside some very complex individuals. Some days I was questioning why I decided to go this route. I literally see people dying of their disease of addiction right in front of me with such profound denial about their condition that it will ultimately lead to death. I see a lot of heartache and pain. I listen as people bring up trauma from a dark past they were hoping to never awaken. I had several weeks in a row where I was wondering if being a counselor really served any purpose. I have always been told, since the first semester of graduate school, "you cannot take credit for anybody's successes because you will, then, have to take credit for the failures too." This concept was constantly running through my through September and October. I didn't feel like I was taking successes, setbacks or failure personally. I think I wondered at times if I was really strong enough to be in this role. My heart wants to take away the pain. My heart wants to offer some profound words to make it all better, make it all go away. Most of the time, my logical brain is able to walk me through these times. Sometimes my heart takes over and can make my job pretty hard some days.

Additionally, there was a lot of focus on "secondary trauma". In essence, I experience trauma in dealing with other people's trauma. Also under that microscope was caregiver burnout. I decided to go to a psychic fair. It was kinda fun. I went to a booth and have my auras read. I was given this really cool print out of my chakras and areas to focus on for healing. The woman working with me said "holy cow....you are burnt out. What do you do?" I told her and she said my results made complete sense. Between 3 jobs (teaching, nursing and counselor), much of what I do is giving of myself. I can't imagine any other way to live which is what I told her when she asked about taking care of my soul and heart. She noted that in my heart chakra, I was giving 100% of my heart. Again, she told me that my selections of professions made total sense. She also warned me, however, that the world doesn't always deserve 100% of my heart either. I talked with her for some time about how I had closed my heart off to almost all of my relationships while I was using. I told her how I felt to free to just be me, wear my heart on my sleeve, say what I think, etc. She remarked that while these are good things, my openness should be reserved for those who have earned access to my heart. Talk about a lot of food for thought. 

During this few months, I have been away at trainings and busy on the weekends. I had stopped going to church and I could feel it. I finally got back last week and even went twice! A friend of mine was so kind to visit my church and he extended the invitation to go to his which happened to be that same weekend. Both places had incredible messages. My church talked about purpose. Even if I am not perfect, even if I don't do it all right, there is still a plan out there for me. It was something I needed to hear. I was going weary, going somewhat cynical and starting to wonder if my situation as it is today is the pinnacle of my journey. Honestly, it would not be a bad place to be at; however, I am still feeling this itch. It is something that I need to do in my spare time. It is not a career change. It is not a change in employers. I just felt this sense while listening to this message that there is something I should let go of in order to open myself up to other opportunities. I just don't know what that is right now. This restlessness has been around for awhile now. I was given a strong message back in June....the only thing standing in my way is.......wait for it........me. Sigh.

The second message was about anger. Ahhh....anger, often times referred to as the secondary emotion. Anger is something that we are all familiar with and in certain situations it just feels right to be angry even though the honest emotion being experienced is something else (i.e. disappointment, shame, etc). The message about anger was in context of relationship killers. I know a lot about that! The first whole year of my sobriety I was mad. I was angry. I was annoyed and always one sentence away from losing it. I was reminded of how far my recovery has come since that first year. I was angry for nothing other than I thought the world had done me wrong and I deserved more. I was in a place of feeling constantly like a victim and wanting to fight just for the sake of fighting. Part of the message talked about "healthy" anger. There are things in the world that we should be mad about. There are things that we do get mad about because we are PASSIONATE about that topic. So, it can serve a purpose as long as we are very mindful of what type of anger we are experiencing. 

Earlier this month, I had a rather intense situation develop. In the end, everything turned out for the best. However, for 45 minutes straight, I was angry at addiction. I was angry that addiction had this person so confused and hopeless. I walked out of work that day angry. I am passionate about treating addiction and being part of the solution to win the war against it. That day, however, I really felt the fatigue of that battle. My challenge at this point is how to take care of myself so I don't burnt out. Often times when I am passionate about something, I go 3,000mph and get sick of it in a month or two. You should see how many unfinished craft projects I have around my house. Even and steady is not usually the way that I live life. Now, entering this place of recovery and growth, I need to learn how. I got a lot of years ahead of me with a lot of things that I still want to do. I want to avoid impulsive decisions in an attempt to rejuvenate some passion. All in all, I just don't know what that means.

So, I will continue on with this journey with some ideas of the next step to take to address this restlessness. Thank you all for continuing to read despite my lack of posting!!

​Julie