Happy Holidays

I bet if I were to look through my blog posts, most of my post holiday chatter would be about my newfound love of the holidays. It's not that I didn't like the holidays before, I was just drunk or wanting to be drunk. I really wasn't all that focused on being with family and celebrating the fact that I have it pretty darn good with my family and otherwise. With that said, let me tell you about my love of the holidays in recovery. Ready? Set. Go.

I was counseled and now counsel people about the holiday times being a ripe time for relapse. We are all busy. We can be stressed out. There certainly can be drugs and alcohol all over the place if you family uses or abuses them. If you live anywhere near me in MN, we only have about 10 minutes of sunlight a day. I can already tell that part if wearing on me. Up at 6;45am - dark. Getting off of work at 4:30 - almost dark. I believe this could really add to the stress factor of the holidays for some, I know it did for me. What plays the biggest role in the holiday relapse though, in my humble opinion, is resentments. I have listened to a few 5th steps in my day (tell another person about our fearless and moral inventory of the ways we have harmed other, our resentments, our secrets). Family ranks high in the resentment area whether it be parents who children believed failed them or siblings who were treated better or family members that were abusive, unloving or appeared to not really care.

When I was in my 20s, what I found particularly difficult was being with someone else's family (I had a long term boyfriend that turned into an engagement and then married for a short while). I don't know if I am "normal" in terms of wanting to be with my family at the holidays. I didn't like splitting that time. Part of me wonders if that has to do with all the time I spent abroad. I spent several holidays away from my family. I was eternally homesick while I was away on both adventures. Maybe there is just a part of my soul that doesn't ever want to experience that again. Also, I think it had to do with our traditions. I am flexible in a lot of ways in my life, but there are a few areas that I am pretty uncompromising. Holidays are just one of those things. I remember clearly when my sister was talking about going to her future in-laws for Thanksgiving years ago. I burst into tears. I think it was a little shocking for everyone because this is what most normal people do. 

This year, our family was together and I had a rather amazing time. I love my family dearly and they have been tremendously supportive through my ups and downs. I want to share the good things that are going on in my life and also enjoy the moments of snuggling with my nephew and playing a game with my niece. All simple things that I hope I don't ever overlook. Two weeks ago, I was having kind of a bad time. Nothing overly concerning, just a bad few days that come every so often. The week of Thanksgiving came around and I felt like I had my energy back. I worked a 13 hour day on Wednesday and I think the only reason I got through was because I was so excited for the next day. I didn't even need an alarm to get up. If you know me, that's a big deal.

I hear many heart wrenching stories in my line of work, both as a nurse and as a counselor, of how dysfunctional families can really get. It makes me feel tremendously grateful that I have this loving family that I do. Are we perfect? Nope. Would I change anything about us? Nope. I love us just the way that we are. 

My sister taught me years ago about what an awesome sister does. In particular, she wrote me very regularly while I was living in Europe. I don't know if she will ever quite know how much those letters meant. As I was struggling to get sober, she didn't necessarily understand all of this addiction stuff, but she tried. She asked me questions and did her best to understand the mistakes I had made. A few years in, she did a recovery 5K with me and threw me a birthday party for "my other birthday". I have an awesome sister and I will never forget it. 

For my readers who have met my Mom, you know how special she is. She stood up for me over the years and I still feel that "mama bear" protectiveness about her. I remember distinctly when I was 15 years old, we were driving home from my high school, getting onto I-94E from Collegeville back to St. Cloud. It was during that ride that she tried to warn me about alcohol, the family history of alcohol issues and offered a stern warning that she didn't want me going down that path. Well, like any good 15 year old, I didn't listen. Then, off I went to live in Austria for a year where alcohol could be easily accessed. Now being 40 years old and looking at teenagers of my friends and family, it must have been heartbreaking as my Mom to watch what eventually happened to me.

What I appreciate most that my Mom was able to do for my recovery was hand my recovery over to me. I think she studied furiously during the Family Week of my first residential treatment. I was really mad at the counselor of those group. "She told my Mom that we are co-dependent. How does she know? Who is she to tell us how our relationship works." On and on I went for that whole entire week. Her actions, though, contributed to my long term success. Of course I didn't like that people were suggesting that our relationship needed to change. I was getting all sorts of things that I wanted. What she did was to take care of herself. She had spent endless hours of many days worrying about what my next catastrophe was going to be. By the end of my drinking career, they were becoming more frequent and increasing in intensity. She started having an adult relationship with me. She would be there to support me and love me, but fighting this addiction was my deal. She has always offered me compassion and love throughout this process. What she has not done (and I appreciate) is to tell me what I need to do to support my recovery. I need to ask for help if I need it. She would still love me if I relapsed. She is, however, not going to tell me to get to my meetings or get a sponsor or go to therapy. Those are decisions I need to make for my own recovery. For this, I am grateful beyond words.

I love the holidays now. I am not getting drunk nor do I feel the urge to. I have no resentments against my family and therefore love to hang out when we can. I adore my friends who send me cards, send me messages and invite me to parties. I feel so very fortunate to have all of this in my life so that I have something positive to offset the fact that there is only about 8-9 hours of sunlight per day. The holidays become some of the brightness I need to conquer these winter months. 

I hope that everyone had a decent Thanksgiving holiday!

Talk with you soon!
J